I caught myself again today. I had to tell myself to stop saying, or thinking, "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I just want it to be over and done!"
It is nothing major, for some people, just finding new rental space, negotiating and signing contracts. I just wish I never had to do this sort of thing ever in my life again. I hate it. Oh...there it is again. Stop it!
Ah...
I first read this 3 years ago. I'm still trying to digest it, and learn to live it:
"We must accept the circumstances we constantly find ourselves in as the place of God's kingdom and blessing. God has yet to bless anyone except where they actually are, and if we faithlessly discard situation after situation, moment after moment, as not being 'right,' we will simply have no place to receive his kingdom into our life. For those situations and moments are our life." (Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, pp. 348-349)
So, Lord, today I have come to you again and again, panic and all, trying to be willing to learn, trying to figure out how to see this. I'm not as angry and frustrated at You as I used to sometimes be, wondering, "Why do I have to do this?" I don't know how you saw it all in the end today, but I pray it was somehow a process of receiving Your kingdom.
The Cost of Conflict
Wow, I was energized this evening. Even though I got home late after a long day away, at 11:30 p.m. I actually had it in me to complete another goal --spend 10 minutes (and more--I finished the job) on dishes! I think it had much to do with the conversations before arriving home. There was a lot of interaction today, lots of reflection on past stuff, figuring out the process of working together, and then the last hour was just sharing about exciting things happening. Wow, how energizing...especially after last week, clearing up leftovers from the week before that. Ah...
There has been so much to work through with colleagues in recent months. I've seen so clearly the energy cost of conflict, misunderstandings due to defensiveness, etc. Resolving can take so much energy too. Oh resolving is good, and lightens the load, but it takes so much time and energy. Such a process.
Whew!!
Is this season coming to an end?
Have we learned things in the process?
Are we getting better at this, so that we won't be having so many things to clarify and rectify in the future?
We ARE learning to stay committed to the process, and to each other.
For my part, I am learning preventive measures--awareness of the potential hot spots, prayer, and offering self to God before certain situations makes a huge difference. I am also learning to lay down feeling responsible for the reactions of others.
I think I'm learning other things too.
Perhaps I'm learning to love.
There has been so much to work through with colleagues in recent months. I've seen so clearly the energy cost of conflict, misunderstandings due to defensiveness, etc. Resolving can take so much energy too. Oh resolving is good, and lightens the load, but it takes so much time and energy. Such a process.
Whew!!
Is this season coming to an end?
Have we learned things in the process?
Are we getting better at this, so that we won't be having so many things to clarify and rectify in the future?
We ARE learning to stay committed to the process, and to each other.
For my part, I am learning preventive measures--awareness of the potential hot spots, prayer, and offering self to God before certain situations makes a huge difference. I am also learning to lay down feeling responsible for the reactions of others.
I think I'm learning other things too.
Perhaps I'm learning to love.
Change
Change...how does it happen?
I do not like these thoughts, these feelings that manifest themselves in my heart. They disturb me. Why, after knowing so much grace, after knowing so much mercy, after freely receiving so much, am I so easily resentful, jealous, stingy, and angry?
God...please give me a vision of what I would be had You not rescued me. Give me a vision of where I would be had I not been taught Your ways from an early age. And give me a vision of what this is now--this stuff in my heart--what it looks like to You.
Please, change my heart, O God,
I do not like these thoughts, these feelings that manifest themselves in my heart. They disturb me. Why, after knowing so much grace, after knowing so much mercy, after freely receiving so much, am I so easily resentful, jealous, stingy, and angry?
God...please give me a vision of what I would be had You not rescued me. Give me a vision of where I would be had I not been taught Your ways from an early age. And give me a vision of what this is now--this stuff in my heart--what it looks like to You.
Please, change my heart, O God,
This is me
With students in a Grief Support Group I made a collage. I don't remember the exact theme...something about our lives I suppose--past, present, and envisioned future. I had no 'grief' theme in mine, but I created a collage along with the students. I think this was 3 or 4 years ago.
I found this last week and ... it's still me. I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking then, but I recognize and can identify the themes--things I struggle with, what I am aiming for, what I have learned, the kind of person I want to be. This is me.
God is here, Part 2
You came to me
You were there
Standing to my right, but behind me
I was facing away from You
Facing what exactly, I am not sure
But facing forward
All the things before me
and You came and stood behind me
You put Your left hand on my shoulder
Gentle
Loving
Steadying
That was all
I wanted to turn around
I wanted to be found in Your embrace
I wanted You to take me away
I wanted to go and hide and cry and be comforted by You
I wanted to hide in that place of refuge
with my back to all that is in front of me
But You stood behind me
With Your hand on my shoulder
And peace came
I sensed You telling me
It's okay
It's going to be alright
Even though, in this weariness
I doubt my decision making ability
But I have many decisions to make, and big ones
I doubt my judgement
But I still need to discern
It's okay
It's going to be alright
I did turn my head
And look in Your eyes
Such love there
You are here
With Your hand on my shoulder
You and I facing forward
Facing the same direction
You will not go ahead and make the decision for me
You have entrusted this to me
And You are here
You will strengthen
You will guide
You are here.
You were there
Standing to my right, but behind me
I was facing away from You
Facing what exactly, I am not sure
But facing forward
All the things before me
and You came and stood behind me
You put Your left hand on my shoulder
Gentle
Loving
Steadying
That was all
I wanted to turn around
I wanted to be found in Your embrace
I wanted You to take me away
I wanted to go and hide and cry and be comforted by You
I wanted to hide in that place of refuge
with my back to all that is in front of me
But You stood behind me
With Your hand on my shoulder
And peace came
I sensed You telling me
It's okay
It's going to be alright
Even though, in this weariness
I doubt my decision making ability
But I have many decisions to make, and big ones
I doubt my judgement
But I still need to discern
It's okay
It's going to be alright
I did turn my head
And look in Your eyes
Such love there
You are here
With Your hand on my shoulder
You and I facing forward
Facing the same direction
You will not go ahead and make the decision for me
You have entrusted this to me
And You are here
You will strengthen
You will guide
You are here.
I am surprised
I'm surprised at how much still has to die.
I'm not sure I know how to love.
I'm not sure I know how to forgive.
My God...change me...please.
God is here, Part 1
I'm not getting much from the Word these days, but God is here. Oh, I'm still reading, and I trust stuff is getting in, I trust I'm being nourished in some way that I may not see. And now and again thoughts jump out and grab me and leave me pondering a little--the way He usually speaks to me. There just hasn't been a sense of deep connection, being deeply guided, knowing this particular insight is the way to go for this day. It's been more like walking a foggy road. But God is here.
These days it seems He's been speaking through other things, other voices and other ways. Journalling has not been as satisfying, or as effective in connecting lately. Sometimes I don't have the words to express what I feel. I wonder if this season will be more listening and feeling. Not needing to "identify the truth" and have clarity, but to just ride and trust.
Still, God is here.
It's not just now...it often happens this way, but I sense God speaking through the various threads of input that intersect with my life. Audio sermons (listening to Andy Stanley's "Guardrails" series recently), then blogs and other postings--I'm being reminded of truths through others, and themes emerge. I'm so distracted, it's hard to sit and just read for myself...but then He guides my "clicking". Thank You, Lord.
A post at A Place For The God Hungry contained a quote from Lynn Anderson's book about praying through the Psalms. The idea comes of praying through life...and the cadence we need in our lives is:
Evil is all around us.
God is here.
Life is falling apart.
God is here.
So I went to bed last night, listening to Psalms with The Bible Experience. Wow...Psalm 77...the reader is crying, and a song comes in...I don't remember much, but I too was crying out to Him.
Today, in the various thoughts that come, in the blogs I have read, in the way my heart has been led, I sense God is here.
God is here. This thought echoes through my days.
Then, something else happened. See God is here, Part 2.
Today, in the various thoughts that come, in the blogs I have read, in the way my heart has been led, I sense God is here.
God is here. This thought echoes through my days.
Then, something else happened. See God is here, Part 2.
(Most of this was written June 7, 2010, the day after writing Just Sit.)
Forgiveness
You told me today...you wonder if I've completely forgiven you.
Thank you. I'm glad you can say it.
This I need to think about. Father, examine my heart, show me. I definitely DO NOT want to live with unforgiveness--for their sake, for my sake.
It's been a long journey. Painful. Yet so much learned about love and grace and forgiveness. I have forgiven at various points along the way. Then, eight months ago incidents that sparked angry thoughts showed me there was more to forgive. I journalled out my anger to God--the good reasons I had to be angry and not trust and... yes, all valid, but I needed to lay it down, to forgive, to choose to not think about it all. God sees it all, God sees this person, from a different perspective.
I did it. I forgave. I laid it down. Yet even in those days I realized that forgiveness was a continual choice. I have often returned to re-read that journal entry. I will continue to.
Have I forgotten this now? Once again, this time of the year brings so many reminders of what happened THEN. All the parts I've heard confessed and processed--I've seen the grief and repentence--those are easy to forgive. They are truly gone, truly forgiven.
Thank you. I'm glad you can say it.
This I need to think about. Father, examine my heart, show me. I definitely DO NOT want to live with unforgiveness--for their sake, for my sake.
It's been a long journey. Painful. Yet so much learned about love and grace and forgiveness. I have forgiven at various points along the way. Then, eight months ago incidents that sparked angry thoughts showed me there was more to forgive. I journalled out my anger to God--the good reasons I had to be angry and not trust and... yes, all valid, but I needed to lay it down, to forgive, to choose to not think about it all. God sees it all, God sees this person, from a different perspective.
I did it. I forgave. I laid it down. Yet even in those days I realized that forgiveness was a continual choice. I have often returned to re-read that journal entry. I will continue to.
Have I forgotten this now? Once again, this time of the year brings so many reminders of what happened THEN. All the parts I've heard confessed and processed--I've seen the grief and repentence--those are easy to forgive. They are truly gone, truly forgiven.
Just sit...
How do I
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
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