He prowls this way?

It's incredible, and eerie
The similarities between today
And Feb. 5, 2015
And the only reason I notice
Is it connects to the same one person
(that I rarely connect with)
And today I've reviewed what I wrote then.

Yes, both times around a person, the same person
    someone--these are the only two times of contact in this year
Then it seemed You brought him to mind
As I was in a time of praying and seeking
And You wanted me to ask him
To invite him to come work with us
For the guys
And I did
Well, I tried to
But I did my part
I sent a message
Tried to connect on the phone
He didn't want to talk it seemed
Brushed it of
Sent a text message saying someone else would explain

But today we talked
Yesterday he had sent a text message saying he wanted to
And I've heard about Your leading
And that he will come
And this is a great encouragement
This is a time of great joy
Or...it should be

But at the same time
Today
I've come to the end of myself
Almost despairing
Around other things
And the inability to move forward
And pain
And frustration
And I stumbled on
Something else I wrote
Then
Yes, almost despairing
Not knowing how to go forward
Feeling utterly alone

Is this...just simply part of the battle?
Is this what battle looks like?
On one hand, the fight, the push
For this person, to grow, move forward
And step into blessing others
And the fight within me

Is it that the enemy comes to discourage at this time?
Why? Just to make it harder?
Does he think I'm going to quit? Or give up?
I'm not. That's not going to work
Or maybe His effectiveness is in throwing up a smoke screen
Or sand in the eyes
Distracting the focus
Decreasing effectiveness
Time wasted for lack of seeing what is happening
And energetically responding

(written Jan. 11, 2016)

Questions

What would you do if you could do anything?

Yeah, so, if there were no limits, no constraints, how would I spend my life? What would I choose?

Heard this question on a Michael Hyatt podcast with Greg McKeown (author of Essentialism) today. It was a question that changed the direction of his life. I guess this one is meant to open up our thinking, to get past areas where we might have been living assuming we were locked in, thinking we had no choice. 

So, what would I do. He (Greg) made a list. Maybe I should do some brainstorming, and see where it takes me.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I heard this one in a video by Sheryl Sandberg. She says it is a question Mark Zuckerberg asks them at Facebook--and it's posted on the walls there. I guess it's meant to encourage us to NOT let fear be the determining factor in our lives, to figure out where fear is hindering or holding us back. Yes, it IS pretty sad if choices get made, or things don't get done, only because of fear.

How many times does God say, "Do not fear," "Do not be afraid," "Be strong and courageous"? To the things He is leading in, for the things he wants us to do, and to do through us, fear cannot be the reason we don't do it, don't go forward. I guess this question then helps to clarify, and point out the areas where fear is a problem. I've done it before, identified my fears, brought them to God, heard His answers and known Him to reduce my fears or, find courage to do it anyway.

So, what would I do if I was not afraid? Figure out a way to do those things.

What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail?

This one kind of bugs me, but it's related, so I'm posting it. It's on a sticky note on my wall. I just noticed it again recently. It's dated 2007.05.11--yep, that old--from something I saw at Sparkpeople.com. Why does it bug me? Because we CAN fail. Maybe what I attempt will fail. What is more important to learn, I think, is to not be afraid of failure--something that sank in for me a little more through several message heard in the World Leaders Webcast one year, but especially from Craig Groeschel's message on Pushing Through the Fear of Failure.

So, I almost wonder if this question should be rephrased to something like: What is a goal so worth pursuing, that even if you failed, and failed many times along the way, it would still be worth doing, worth risking?or Isn't what you're pursuing worth risking it, even if you fail? Because...you might succeed... or What is a goal so worth pursuing, that you should do it, even if the chance of success is only 5%? You should still do it, and even if you fail, maybe others will come along and do better, and even their success will be worth it.

Oh, I don't know, and I haven't thought enough about the answers to these questions, at least not in any precise and concise way recently, but they do seem to be questions worth pondering, and questions that might give clarity for what needs to be resolved in order to go forward.

to "get" Christmas

So, why did You do it? 

Why did You come?

I'm not getting it this year.

Nothing is sinking in.

Is this it?

There You were

Looking down at us

Wanting more for us

So You decided

To come

To show us

Your heart

Your love

To show us what God is like

To rescue us

To save us

Wanting to change the way You related with us

To come close

To expand Your reach

More effectively

Beyond just one people group

So that we would forever know

And get it

I'm starting to 'get it'

And yet I don't

I've been thinking (again) recently...

The older I get

The less I have answers that would seem 

   to make sense 

   to anyone else

But the older I get

The more deeply I am also convinced 

Of... 

   my need for You

   and the 'proof' within

The goodness You are, that draws me

And this, in itself

Must prove I have been somewhat changed

To recognize You for who You are

I choose faith again

(And I guess I'm on a bit of a Chris Tomlin roll today)

A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  

Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,

    from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, "You are my servant;"

    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.

You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.

Thank You for this reminder.

Thank You for this invitation.

Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Yearning...

Yearning today, these days
for something
I don't know what
something that is You
something that satisfies
something I've had and known in the past
   sometimes
something that is still in the future
   not yet revealed
   not yet given

Funny
I'm yearning for it
and yet the yearning
is in itself
somewhat satisfying
as though
   it's right
   it should be
   it's a good place to be

Encouragement from Jeremy Camp

Same Power--Jeremy Camp

He Knows--Jeremy Camp

Even me

I dare to believe

You look on

Notice

And consider

Even me

Yeah, I know

My perspective is probably off

I'm not seeing correctly

I'm frustrated and overwhelmed

By problems

Many of which

Are my own making

And yet I dare to believe

I can come to You

Talk to You about it

You won't just brush me off

You won't nod and pretend You're listening

Meanwhile doing an internal eye roll

Whatever needs to be said

Whatever I need to hear

You'll look on me with 

   love

   grace

   dignity

And

   instruct

   lead

   guide

I dare to believe I can still come

Whatever it is

Whatever the reason

Oh I know

Arrogant or haughty is not the way

That might receive a different welcome

But 

   messed up

   confused

   overwhelmed

   disappointed in self

   the contrite and broken

These can come

And You receive

Even me

Press on!

I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.

My initial thoughts:

I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this. 

THEN I thought...

Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?  

Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.

"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)." 

Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt​ for helping me process this!

Press on, toward the vision

that is beyond your current resources.

I am not alone

I am NOT

     forgotten by You

nor thrown away

     by You

And...

     I am NOT alone

I Am Not Alone

Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

Not Forgotten

I am

not forgotten

Thank You Lord

for the reminder

Just as through me

You reached out to a sister

on the other side of the world

You, through another sister

again, on the other side of the world

reached out to me

simply reminding me

I am not forgotten

It must have been You

that reminded her of me

in this oh-so-difficult time

We haven't connected in ages

she would have no way to know

except for You

putting me

on her mind

"You've been on my mind so much lately"

(and a little 'praying' emoticon)

Thank You

I am

not forgotten

We are

not forgotten

none of us

ever

This is the truth

This is what You promise

I will never leave you nor forsake you

With you always, to the end of the world

but we sometimes forget

or don't feel remembered

Yet You reach out to remind

Thank You

Thank you M.E. for listening to Him, hearing about me, for praying and for letting me know. No, I'm not on the verge of despair or anything that bad, but it has been a tough journey lately. Thank you for reminding me of His care, for letting Him use you to remind me. You blessed me today (well, actually, starting last night) sister!

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing

that we can be

wounded

and yet walking

wounded

and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones

falling ones

stumbling ones

crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling

you can reach back

and give a hand to someone

stumbled in their crawl right beside you

or pause, to stop together and encourage

to keep crawling

I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.

All are justified freely

"and all are justified freely by his grace 

through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

--Rom. 3:24

Why is THIS verse not more commonly known and memorized?
Why is THIS verse not often repeated as a stand-alone statement?

Instead we, or at least I, for years and years have known that Rom 3:23 says,

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," 

All have sinned

All fall short

All, and that means you and me, have sinned.

It's part of "The Roman's Road," a simple, easy to memorize, and formulaic way of presenting the Gospel...through just a few verses in Romans.

So we know Romans 3:23, but we don't know it with 3:24 right after it.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 

and all are justified freely by his grace 

through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

--Rom. 3:23, 24

But it's even better when you start a little earlier, reading from v. 21...and this might not work now already, because I've drilled in a reminder of verse 23, but try, just try for a minute, to read it fresh, and note what is emphasized as the main thing, and what is more background, in this passage.

But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. --Rom 3:21-26 (NIV)

Whoa! Sure, Rom 3:23 is true, but if you read it in the context, the main point of the passage is righteousness--there is a righteousness that comes from God that is available to all. That all have sinned is the back story, the obvious reason why we need it, but our sin, or that all have sinned, is not the focus, not the main point at all! It reads as almost a side comment.

The main point, what jumps out to me today, is that there is a righteousness from God that has come, that is available. Hallelujah! Amen! Praise God.

I am justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Thank You, Lord!

Wrestling it through...

When You speak

When You break through

What do You want us to do with that?

Do You want us to just 

   listen

   receive

   and do it?

Perhaps, sometimes.

Perhaps, often even.

But is that always what you want us to do.

Jacob wrestled a blessing from You

You told Moses to leave You alone (Ex. 32:10)

So that Your anger could burn and destroy the people

But he didn't leave You alone

He argued that one with You

And You relented

It's almost as if You wanted Him to stay and argue

Was it a test?

Just a bit later (33:1-3) You told him

You wouldn't go with him, with them

You'd send an angel

But You wouldn't go

And again he argues with You

And...You let him

And seem to like it

I've always thought I could engage with You

I've always thought You could take my questions

But this, now, is the context of when You speak to me

When You speak to Your people

It makes sense that we should engage

And like the examples above, even

   question

   disagree

Your final answer

Might be a little different than the original

And now I'm thinking a step further

Of the times I thought You have spoken

And I did agree, I did like it

But then I just sat on it

And sometimes

They didn't happen

Could it be that my lack of wrestling it through

   praying that it would really happen

   became a hindrance?

Could it be

That when You speak

No matter what

You really want us

You really want me

   to engage

Hearing You speak

Hearing what You say

   is not quite enough

There are implications

There are always implications

And I need to learn to stay

   and work those out

To keep listening

   and wrestling

It is a whole life

Continually lived in Your presence

Always engaged

Grace pours down...

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, 

Lord who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness, 

so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

(Ps. 130:4-5)

Thank You Lord, for forgiveness, for grace.

Thank You for being "the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3)

Sin is real

Shame is real and can be so crippling

But You

Offer forgiveness

You

Don't want to

Are not willing to

See us forever bowed down

And the body

The Christian community

Should be a place that lives this out

Where we can come broken, contrite

And find acceptance, warmth, forgiveness

And strength to go on

Thank You for forgiveness and grace
Thank You for a body that lives this out
Thank You for family, that is real with each other

Semi-related thoughts that have come on this: 

I was tempted, yesterday, to not go to the Bible study. "What's the point?" I hadn't prepared (done my homework, hadn't even read the chapter, only listened to it once or twice. Certainly hadn't prayerfully considered the questions or written anything down). Didn't even have my notebook to write down the thoughts of others. And...I was late...but, I somehow still thought it was good to go.

Then, I had a memory, from 20+ years ago--sitting in church in a weeknight Bible study. The rows of chairs were facing forward. My dad was leading or teaching, sitting in one of the front rows, but not facing the people straight on. He was angled back toward them so they could hear him, but he was looking at the floor the whole time. It bugged me that he didn't look at everyone. I kept wanting to get his attention, thought of writing a note and handing it to him, "Look up, look at the people."

I don't know when we talked about it...maybe that night in the car going home. 

What he said, "You know [my name]..." and then what came was just how low he was feeling right then--how broken down, struggling, hurting. I didn't know the details, still don't, but I've later heard more of the stories and struggle from those years...

And I thought (and I STILL think), "What a shame!" The church should be the place where we can come and share our struggle, our brokenness. This is where we can come to learn to live out the reality of this Book we read, these truths we hold to. If we can't come and wrestle it out here, with these people, pray tell, where and when DO we learn to live out these truths? 

How sad, then, that my dad couldn't be real about the struggle. How sad, then, that there were very few being real about faith intersecting with life, and the learning to live it as a Christ-follower. Ah--when it would get talked about--when things got to an extreme--a "fall," a need for church discipline...  

I hope we are doing better now. I think we are.

It makes me wonder--how did I become one who would be vulnerable and real about it all? When and how did I realize--that if this faith is real, if this God is real, then He must also be real in the reality of life...no need to hide it, or cover it...

Jesus Come

what do I do with this dull heart and head?

I so long for You to come close

to be able to hear You

see You

sense You

I want

I would like

for my life to be wrapped up in Yours

to somehow know, again

that You are leading, guiding, speaking

to know Your presence

and have that be

enough

But...

I don't know
Your presence now

I can't 

feel You

sense You

hear You

I wish I could hear You speak

I wish You would reach through

I'm still hoping You will

reach through the fog

into this space

somehow

give perspective

until You do

I will wait

I will hope

I will believe

beyond what I can see

more...

I must cultivate more
this desire

the desire to draw close to You

to be wrapped up in You

You holding me

wrapped around me

written Aug. 13, 2015, feeling it again today

Sharing the journey

Glad to be there today

for her

glad to be me for her

glad to have had my journey

and freedom found

for it is the freedom she needs

I wish there had been someone like me

for me (is that weird to say?)

when I was her age

someone to tell me

they understood

it was normal, in some sense

how to find a way through

that all could be talked about

what part to be concerned about

what part

might actually not be much of  a problem

for me the freedom and insight came

fifteen years later

(and I'm thankful for the people I had then)

I'm glad for her

and proud of her courage

I see a beautiful heart

a heart You have made new

deeper in her

than the sin and the struggle

is the desire to live clean and free

that is You drawing

You leading

Your life

   that is stronger

   than any evil or darkness

at work and alive in her

Thank You for the journey

for mine

for hers

for this chance to journey together

what a privilege to be

a safe place

the first one

with whom she has shared

and I'm thankful for those

who were safe for me

being formed

What is this that comes

It could only be You

A knowing the need for compassion

An asking for love for

Even the ones who have wronged

Oh, I'm still far from how You lived it Jesus

Not sure the asking for forgiveness for them

Would come quite that quick

While they were doing the hurting

But I see something of You

Growing in me

Grow more in me

The ability to love, to truly love

Even those who cause pain

All I know is weak

maybe I was supposed to lead

maybe I was supposed to show them

how to be strong

but all I know is weak

weak

broken

floundering

crying out for help

running to my only Refuge

falling on Him

knowing Him strong

knowing Him faithful

through the years

and many tears

the dark

the clouds

the wandering

flat on my face

crawling

holding on

just barely

or not even holding on

but knowing Him 

holding on to me

this is all I know to do

this is all I know to show you how to do

to be weak

be weak

and name it

own it

say it

with tears streaming down your face

sadness in your eyes

apologizing for the more that you can't give

make the changes needed

ask for the help needed

receive the strength that comes

from Him

directly

or through others

no, I am not strong

I can only show you how to be weak

but the weak

somehow

in the weirdest twist of all

becomes strength that rises

a deep, firm core

a deep stabilizing

so weak

but unable to be

thoroughly defeated

a weak that becomes strong

and frees others

to be weak

and eventually

grow strong