You are
Slowly
Binding my heart
to You
It's what I want
I'm tired
of the wandering
of this bent to wander
You are
Revealing
the ways
the reasons
I leave
I bend away
and the foolishness
of it all
"Binding"
And yet it is free
I am free
free to choose
You are
changing the bent
of my choosing
the lean
is more toward You
Thank You
I'm no longer running
Thomas
It's amazing what hits
Each time it's different
So unexpected
I wanted to see something new
Something fresh
I wanted to be amazed at You
once again
Jesus
I have been amazed
Every day
Every morning
(well almost)
You have been speaking
And close
In the most amazing ways
But I wanted to be hit again
By Easter
The passion
The resurrection
Good Friday
I was watching The Gospel of John
With a friend
More concerned about helping her understand
Than able to hear for me
But it was good
I've sensed her yearning
And wanted to spend such time with her
For a long time
Today, Easter Sunday
With the young ones
Each shared
Both the blessing
And the struggle
In the journey
Of knowing You
It's the struggle part for which I yearn
Those who don't know if they believe or not
Can't feel You near
Wonder why You would abandon
I so long for them to seek further
In the doubt
Bring the questions boldly
Like Thomas
"Unless...
I will not believe"
I love that You came to him
I love how You came to him
I'd never seen this movie portrayal before
And I wept
Thank You Jesus
How You come to us
In our doubt
In our confusion
In the midst of all our struggles
Hardly daring to trust
You're not offended or put off
Or above stooping down
To our doubt and ignorance
And reveal
Once again
You know
You care
You love
Each time it's different
So unexpected
I wanted to see something new
Something fresh
I wanted to be amazed at You
once again
Jesus
I have been amazed
Every day
Every morning
(well almost)
You have been speaking
And close
In the most amazing ways
But I wanted to be hit again
By Easter
The passion
The resurrection
Good Friday
I was watching The Gospel of John
With a friend
More concerned about helping her understand
Than able to hear for me
But it was good
I've sensed her yearning
And wanted to spend such time with her
For a long time
Today, Easter Sunday
With the young ones
Each shared
Both the blessing
And the struggle
In the journey
Of knowing You
It's the struggle part for which I yearn
Those who don't know if they believe or not
Can't feel You near
Wonder why You would abandon
I so long for them to seek further
In the doubt
Bring the questions boldly
Like Thomas
"Unless...
I will not believe"
I love that You came to him
I love how You came to him
I'd never seen this movie portrayal before
And I wept
Thank You Jesus
How You come to us
In our doubt
In our confusion
In the midst of all our struggles
Hardly daring to trust
You're not offended or put off
Or above stooping down
To our doubt and ignorance
And reveal
Once again
You know
You care
You love
The next phase of the Journey
I have just finished Ingatius's "Week 1" in The Journey with Jesus. The five weeks there have been good, deepening. Now I head into "Week 2" and 15 weeks entering the life of Jesus up to the cross, coming closer, understanding more, hearing once again, and more deeply and fully, His invitation to follow.
In this transition, suddenly comes an awe, a holy fear. It started yesterday, with Preston's blog post (Thank you, Preston!); it was this line that did it: "but King Jesus has a sword coming out of his mouth". This Journey had me read that passage in Revelation back in November. I called it the "freaky Jesus"--the picture that came to mind then--not the soft gentle appealing and kind Jesus that I often think of, but this Jesus too, is true.
I've struggled with distraction. About the Sabbath, Isaiah 58:13 says to honour it, "by not going your own way and not doing as you please..." Yesterday was my "Sabbath", but I did a lot of "what I please". Today, before the time of prayer, I suddenly thought: What would Jesus say to all my excuses? What would happen if He showed up before me here and now? Would the excuses fly, convince Him, impress Him? I doubt it.
Today's prep for the next section had me read Mark 1-10 in one sitting. Later I wrote:
You are completely "other"
Teaching, healing
No one could predict You
or demand You do it their way
But You are full of compassion and patience
I find myself among the disciples
Like them I am eager to follow
Like them I also get off track
Find other priorities compete, or
do not fully understand Yours
Like them, I need You to teach me
Teach me, Lord,
as I come to the next phase of the journey
And at the end
May I not be like those
Who found the cost too great
and turned away
May I be counted among those
still following
You ahead
Me behind
Amazed and maybe afraid
But following.
And then, this afternoon I discovered this song. (Thanks Wendy--for having it on your player)
I listen...and something like a holy fear descends...if I can even pretend to know what that means. (listen...lyrics below)
What do I Know of Holy
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Thank You Jesus, for calling me to this journey. I do not know where I will be or what I will be like at the end of it, but I want nothing else.
Thank you M.A., J.&A.W., for journeying together. I knew I would need others to make it, I'm so glad He called you along too. I love hearing your experiences--the same journey, but so different for each of us. Don't stop. Press on. Remember, all we need to do is present ourselves, and let Him lead and teach.
And thank you S.A.M., my new friend, sister, spiritual director--you've given a gentle and firm vision of what His "no excuses" looks like, affirmed the journey, and helped strengthen the hope that I'll make it through.
In this transition, suddenly comes an awe, a holy fear. It started yesterday, with Preston's blog post (Thank you, Preston!); it was this line that did it: "but King Jesus has a sword coming out of his mouth". This Journey had me read that passage in Revelation back in November. I called it the "freaky Jesus"--the picture that came to mind then--not the soft gentle appealing and kind Jesus that I often think of, but this Jesus too, is true.
I've struggled with distraction. About the Sabbath, Isaiah 58:13 says to honour it, "by not going your own way and not doing as you please..." Yesterday was my "Sabbath", but I did a lot of "what I please". Today, before the time of prayer, I suddenly thought: What would Jesus say to all my excuses? What would happen if He showed up before me here and now? Would the excuses fly, convince Him, impress Him? I doubt it.
Today's prep for the next section had me read Mark 1-10 in one sitting. Later I wrote:
You are completely "other"
Teaching, healing
No one could predict You
or demand You do it their way
But You are full of compassion and patience
I find myself among the disciples
Like them I am eager to follow
Like them I also get off track
Find other priorities compete, or
do not fully understand Yours
Like them, I need You to teach me
Teach me, Lord,
as I come to the next phase of the journey
And at the end
May I not be like those
Who found the cost too great
and turned away
May I be counted among those
still following
You ahead
Me behind
Amazed and maybe afraid
But following.
And then, this afternoon I discovered this song. (Thanks Wendy--for having it on your player)
I listen...and something like a holy fear descends...if I can even pretend to know what that means. (listen...lyrics below)
What do I Know of Holy
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Thank You Jesus, for calling me to this journey. I do not know where I will be or what I will be like at the end of it, but I want nothing else.
Thank you M.A., J.&A.W., for journeying together. I knew I would need others to make it, I'm so glad He called you along too. I love hearing your experiences--the same journey, but so different for each of us. Don't stop. Press on. Remember, all we need to do is present ourselves, and let Him lead and teach.
And thank you S.A.M., my new friend, sister, spiritual director--you've given a gentle and firm vision of what His "no excuses" looks like, affirmed the journey, and helped strengthen the hope that I'll make it through.
Isaiah 58
Blessed with this chapter on Feb. 13, 2013, it came to life two days later, the 15 & 16, and has hitting me ever since. I think it is my new call, new vision, and perhaps it will be the guidance for the next season...I don't know how many years.
True and False Worship
58
1 “Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you don’t even notice it!’
Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel of their sins!
2 Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
pretending they want to be near me.
3 ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
and you don’t even notice it!’
“I will tell you why!” I respond.
“It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?
“It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
you keep oppressing your workers.
4 What good is fasting
when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
will never get you anywhere with me.
5 You humble yourselves
by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
Do you really think this will please the Lord?
6 “No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
7 Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
8 “Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
9 Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
10 Feed the hungry,
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
11 The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
12 Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
and a restorer of homes.
13 “Keep the Sabbath day holy.
Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”
Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
14 Then the Lord will be your delight.
I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
I, the Lord, have spoken!”
Learning to Trust
I've followed You
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now
Exposed
here I am LORD
a little fragile
a little vulnerable
open and exposed
I've shared my life my soul
it was well-received
and gently cared for
yet now I am alone
and
yearning
a little fearful
doubting
the let down
leaves me vulnerable
a little needy
I turn to You
my only rock
my only companion
through this life
hold me LORD
I'm here
held in your loving arms
Thank you friends who share your lives with me, and let me share my life and heart with you too.
a little fragile
a little vulnerable
open and exposed
I've shared my life my soul
it was well-received
and gently cared for
yet now I am alone
and
yearning
a little fearful
doubting
the let down
leaves me vulnerable
a little needy
I turn to You
my only rock
my only companion
through this life
hold me LORD
I'm here
held in your loving arms
Thank you friends who share your lives with me, and let me share my life and heart with you too.
Surrender
Here I am LORD
Broken before You
My heart
Exposed
Committed
Surrendered
I want no other life
This heart
Exposed
Quivering
Moved and shaken
Nervously anticipating
Trying not to fear
So moved
It has to follow
And lay down all
With joy
And some dread
Of the cost
The price
Yet
Still knowing
Someday
All costs will count
As nothing
Forever Reaching
forever reaching
forever yearning
but never touching
never crossing
this impasse
this divide
this wall
forever yearning
but never touching
never crossing
this impasse
this divide
this wall
Review of "Outlive Your Life" by Max Lucado
In 
Outlive Your Live, Max Lucado challenges the reader to live to make a difference in their world. Good, challenging, except I felt like I was already coming from the other side of this. This book seems to be written to the complacent church-goer in North America, the ones that aren't involved, haven't yet been inspired to do more with their lives--more than just live for themselves. I know many who are NOT complacent, already involved in great things. And I myself was already inspired with this idea years ago--30 or more perhaps, and have sought to spend my life in ways that would "outlive my life".
Outlive Your Live, Max Lucado challenges the reader to live to make a difference in their world. Good, challenging, except I felt like I was already coming from the other side of this. This book seems to be written to the complacent church-goer in North America, the ones that aren't involved, haven't yet been inspired to do more with their lives--more than just live for themselves. I know many who are NOT complacent, already involved in great things. And I myself was already inspired with this idea years ago--30 or more perhaps, and have sought to spend my life in ways that would "outlive my life".
So, from that perspective, I personally found the book lacking, and maybe a little simplistic. Main beef here is that while Lucado gives great inspiration for living and doing more, there is not an appreciation of the complexity and difficulty of truly engaging in something that will make a long-term difference.
Did the author hold my attention? Not really. I read 2/3 of the book close to when I first received, but then put it down for a long time--maybe it is where I am, or was wanting something that he wasn't trying to give--motivation and help and ideas to KEEP outliving my life when the outliving gets hard.
Still, there were some inspiring bits. I have really enjoyed Max Lucado's writing at times, but then I get tired of the style. I thought I might like to read one of his books again, but in the end I didn't even finish this one.
I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
What if...
What if
I had not gone through
All that pain last year
What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed
If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them
If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused
Maybe I'm starting to see...
I had not gone through
All that pain last year
What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed
If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them
If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused
Maybe I'm starting to see...
Not alone
I realized today, toward the end of our Journey with Jesus discussion, that I have sense of being abandoned by God and alone in life. For some reason, every attempt to work with others here has not resulted in a long-term good scenario...I've often wondered if I'm doing something wrong. Or, is this just the way God planned it for me? If so, it would be easier to know--like the prophets were sometimes told.
But God does not usually tell me as much as I'd like to know.
As I pondered, I realized there are so many ways in which I have NOT been left alone.
Financially--I, and staff, and students and all the costs related to the project--have been cared for throughout these years.
As I think about how my views about faith have changed...I'm so glad that the year I realized I had changed and wondered what that would mean going home to my home church--and realized--they had changed too. Half a world a part, not much connected, and yet we had been on parallel journeys, and those who had bee close spiritual companions earlier, still were. For many it doesn't happen that way.
These are just a few...
But God does not usually tell me as much as I'd like to know.
As I pondered, I realized there are so many ways in which I have NOT been left alone.
Financially--I, and staff, and students and all the costs related to the project--have been cared for throughout these years.
As I think about how my views about faith have changed...I'm so glad that the year I realized I had changed and wondered what that would mean going home to my home church--and realized--they had changed too. Half a world a part, not much connected, and yet we had been on parallel journeys, and those who had bee close spiritual companions earlier, still were. For many it doesn't happen that way.
These are just a few...
God, You have been with me, in so many ways I can see,
and probably in so many ways I cannot see.
Help me to grow in this.
May the head knowledge
become deep transforming assurance and peace.
I am not alone.
I never have been.
You are here.
You are beside me.
You are with me.
Laziness
"Over-activity, over-work, and over-involvement are each a cover-up for laziness at the center"
(Sunder Krishnan quoting a book written by Eugene Peterson)
The laziness of not seeking Christ, staying to listen to Him, hearing from Him. I am too often way too lazy.
(Sunder Krishnan quoting a book written by Eugene Peterson)
The laziness of not seeking Christ, staying to listen to Him, hearing from Him. I am too often way too lazy.
Strong enough
I must be pretty strong then
Some people say I am
I don't feel very strong
Pretty weak
Pretty lost
Pretty helpless
Not strong
But You have made me
Strong enough
Resilient enough
I have survived
I'm still here
I still have hope
And dreams yet to fulfill
How does it go?
"Hard pressed...
But not crushed
Perplexed
But not in despair
Persecuted
But not abandoned
Struck down
But not destroyed"
I don't feel strong
But You have made me
Strong enough
So...
What do You want with me LORD?
What's next?
I see no path getting easier
I see no lighter load
Yet
With tears streaming down my face
I want no other road
There is something up ahead
Something that will make it worth it
You do not promise ease
Or comfort
Or even that I'll know I'm on the right path
Only that You will be with me
And make me
Strong enough
What a Wrestle...
What a wrestle it's been this week Lord
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
Thank You for more of a sense of peace...finally
What a wrestle to trust
to believe
to actually, really rely
To believe that You are watching over me
That all will be okay
To rely on Your unfailing love
And have it actually affect my emotions
And the way I work
I so crave
clarity
direction
reliable outcomes
And when they are nowhere in sight
I go CRAZY
Can I really believe that you are watching over
to rescue
to deliver
in love
Can I learn to work like you do
in faithfulness
(reflections from life, and hanging out in Psalm 33 for 2 weeks)
I want to want You
O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of furthergrace, I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, I pray You, that so I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Prayer at the end of chapter 1 of A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God, with "Thee's" and "Thou's" changed to "You" and "Your"
For You Alone Jesus
An opportunity to prove, service is for you alone.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I had spent a few hours, preparing for their session. Then the leader of the group said he wasn't coming, but the others were. That was disheartening.
Okay, oh well. Father, may it bless them, these young lives.
I, too, run...
They do it all the time
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
run from life
the hard choices
a painful past
regrets
apologizing
admitting
She
a few weeks ago
finally had the courage to admit
been sleeping with her boyfriend for a year and a half
and knows she shouldn't
and wants to stop
but doesn't want to stop
and now
is running
not showing up at things
He
in grade 10 didn't want to attend the grief group
could vaguely mention that not having a dad was hard
but couldn't really admit it
now, grade 12
he's finally stood in front of a group and admitted
it's hard
he's often lied when others ask
it's painful
and he doesn't know what to do
maybe soon he'll be ready to stop running
And I encourage them to
face it
admit it
recognize the pain
own your responsibility
make the right choices
don't run
and yet that they do
makes sense
we all do
and it especially makes sense
when you're a teenager
or you don't yet know a God
who will walk you through
be with you
as you turn and face reality
but
I, too, run...
Me
25 years their senior
knowing the You that will be with me through EVERYTHING
I run
it's pathetic
I run from the responsibilities
the never-ending unknowing
the waiting
the complexity
the intensity
the lack of intensity
the questions with no quick-coming answers
the fears
...that I'm wrong
...that I might push her away
...that I haven't done enough or prayed enough
...that You won't meet me when I come to talk about it
This life of faith is hard
and hard in ways I did not expect
I wanted hard
but I didn't think it would look like this
so I find my ways to run
instead of trust
and own
and ask
and wait for You
Let this be my stopping
my turning back
my wrestling to the ground
Teach me God
to fully embrace this life You give
every part
to own it
and know it as good
Oh little boy...
Oh little boy
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
I love to see
Every time your mommy posts
Photos
You
So full of life
and joy
your face
always so
Expectant
For you
Life is good
You know love
Every day
you soak
You bask
In the love and joy others have for you
And turn it right back
The world is here to bless you
To help you grow
To bring you joy
There is no fear of pain on your face
There is no holding back
No suspicion
No doubting of motives
No wondering if there is something else
After the fun and the joy
I love to see your face
Yet I cringe
Someday you will start to taste
Another side
You'll find
Life is not always good
Sometimes you expect the good
and get slapped across the face
Sometimes, it's hard to hope
hard to be so
Expectant
What will happen then
Will you lose your joy
Will your face fall
Will you carry a protective layer
Will your eyes harbour suspicion
If that happpens
You will have lost so much
There is a truth you know deep down now
May you know it deep down then too
You can hope
There is good
You are safe
You are loved
Now your parents show you
But soon even they won't be able to
Then may your Father know you
And may you know Him
And trust Him
And
In spite of the pain
And possible disappointments
Live
Expectant!
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