Just.. follow me

(Remembering the journey)

In the pain, confusion and utter aloneness
of this day
I remember a scene from the journey

You and me
coming up to a hill
me the little girl, holding Your hand
You invite me to keep going forward
with You
following You
I cannot consider letting go of Your hand
to go somewhere else
but...
I cannot see what is ahead
so I cling to Your leg

You...
gently reach down
pick me up
carry me
I'm clinging tightly to Your neck

Now
I'm terrified
and exhausted
spent
Lord...
Are you carrying me?

A song comes to mind...

At the end of myself
I'm empty and dry
I have nothing to give
But surrender inside

...

At the end of yourself, just follow Me
When you lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me

If at the end of yourself, just follow Me
You may lose everything, just follow Me
I will give you new life, just follow Me
Follow Me

 
I'm at the end of myself
I don't think I did things my own way
... just follow Me
Follow Me

I'll follow
But...
I think You'll need to carry me

Enough

I started listening to John's writing
As I walked the track this morning
And I wondered about you
I've wondered before but today I wondered again

Weird...
As soon as I heard the words
That you had come from God
As witness
An incredible longing welled up inside me
A longing to be close to God
To hear His voice
As though you must have known that
With this calling of yours
To know you were chosen,
Had a purpose, and a task

But then I wondered, if you really felt that close
And remembered...later
The doubt and despair you must have felt
As you languished in prison
For you sent your disciples asking
Revealing your doubts

But you had seen amazing things
Much earler, you had heard from God
How to recognize Him
And then it happened
You saw the Spirit land on Him like a dove
And a voice...
On that day, you knew
You really knew
Bet you were so sure of who He was
And why He had come
And how your whole life
Fit in the plan
I wonder if you thought
You would never doubt again

But you did
You doubted
Life became very dark
What were you thinking and feeling
In those very last moments
When they came for you
When you realized you were living your last minutes, seconds
Did a peace, a strength, fill you
Did He come close to comfort
That you would know His presence
I hope so
I wish it were so
I do not doubt God's presence was there
Watching, hurting perhaps
Giving you strength enough
I just don't know if you actually felt it as enough

But it was enough
To endure
Faithful to the end

I guess that's how it goes, doesn't it
This faith journey
Yours and mine
There are times of knowing, being so sure
But even after those times
Doubt
Darkness
Struggle
Crying out to make sense of it all
And no miraculous release

Did the answers satisfy
Was it enough
You asked
He answered
Reminding you of the prophecies
I'd like to think they did
Beautiful, isn't it
He didn't mind your questions
Didn't tell you off for doubting
But answered
I'd like to think the answer received then
Was enough
To strengthen those days
And make it to the end

Yes, that is how it goes
The visions
The hearing
The amazing proofs
Followed by darkness
Doubting
Questions
Wondering
Little bits of strengthening come
Various ways
Different times
Strength enough to get through that day
And then the next
Barely getting through it seems
But
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it to the end

For me there will be
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it
 

Why so gracious

Sometimes I wish You were not so gracious
Of course, that's when I'm pointing the finger at someone else
"How could You let him/her get away with that?"
"Shouldn't you call her/him on that one?"
It's when I wish they would feel bad about what they have done

But You
seem to generously overlook
and put up with so much
in Your children

We are so flawed
so much "not yet right"
and yet You seem to focus on the good
work to bring out the best
let some things slide
glory in the beauty
in spite of the mess

How do You see Your child
when she has walked away
disillusioned
by all the wrong she has seen
and experienced
in Your family

How do You see the one
lost in blame of others
blind to the part they played
to trigger it all

How does Your heart keep
yearning
reaching
hoping
towards those who
walk away
ignore
refuse to look to You

How do you stay
gracious
forgiving
accepting
always willing to welcome a repentant heart

How is it that no one is ever beyond Your
compassion
willingness to forgive
compassionate eyes

You
amaze me
time and again

Thank You
for changing me
to be more and more like You

How am I held...

 I took you from the ends of the earth, 

from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, 'you are my servant';

I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

He holds us. He is holding me. Discussing this with a friend, praying together, we talked about "being held" by God, and I realized she was talking about a specific way of being held, and I asked, "Held, how?" She described. It wasn't quite what I had been picturing, but it was good too...which got me thinking... There are so many ways to be held. There are so many ways I have been held. And I started imagining, and looking for pictures. Take a look, imagine...how have you been "held" by God? Does anything particularly resonate? There are more possibilities than what I was able to find. I also thought of a song...there are a couple out there with this idea. I've included Casting Crowns' Just Be Held.

 

Held

I'm so glad You are holding me
My "standing" certainly doesn't come by my own...
Well, I'm barely standing
I'm crawling
Or sleeping
Honestly,
I don't know what I'm doing
But I am Yours
And You hold me
And You never let me go
And...You will carry me
Through to the end
I'm so glad I'm Yours
I'm so glad You are holding me

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Ps. 37:23-24, NLT

(Guess, in this, I'm considering myself "godly."  How bold is that? What is "godly"? My heart is toward God, set to follow, to learn to follow, stumbling though that process be. Yes...I count myself among those who are godly, because He is making my heart to be like His own.)

Death, part 2

Death came again
In ALL of its ugliness and horror
Leaving so much devastation
Those already hurting
Having suffered blows
Barely standing
Smacked again with this one
How will they handle it Lord
What happened
How...

What good could come out of this
What hope
How are they going to make it
I fear...some will be completely devastated
Beyond recovery

The tributes are being written
So many honouring the strength they saw
The encouragement they were given
One woman
Success and struggle
Pain and beauty
Gutsy, pushing limits, adventuresome
Hurting, hiding

... ... ...
 
NO
Not hiding
There was hurt
But she named it
Faced it

It's becoming more and more clear
The goodness left behind
There is a common theme
Her smile
Offered free
Strength of words and encouragement
Blessing many
The young, the weak, the broken, the rebels
Love for all
Love that didn't have to be earned
She saw the treasure in each one
Made each feel they were special, valued

Yes, there will be many tears
And much ache
For years to come
For the loss of one
Who meant so much
To so many
Who brightened the world
For so many

May we learn, and grow, and treasure
All that was good

And, oh, Lord, please wrap Your arms
Especially around her children

Death, part 1

Death comes, and catches us all by surprise
In an instant
Gone
(Well, this time, they had a few hours' notice)

It doesn't make sense
It doesn't fit
So much not yet right
So not the right time

When IS the right time for death?

the God who gives hope

Four out of five days comforting crying girls
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You

And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.

References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13

Someone Stronger

We all need someone stronger, don't we?
Someone to go to, when it is just too much
We want to and try to carry the burdens of others
And it is good
But eventually, we need help

She came to me today
"Can we talk?"
Later, motion, arms, hug...
It feels like too much
So much has happened
And now there is this fear
This terror
When will the next thing hit?
At Spring Festival, the accident
In June, the thing that happened to her dad
Now, grandma in hospital
Today, waking up to little brother with a high fever
All alone to take care of him and then to get to camp...

And her brother
The comment grandma made after their 4-day visit with mom
The way she snaps at him
Tells him off
Hurtful words, time and again
He's only ten
She watches him, her little brother
Starting to close in on himself
Becoming quiet, changing...

I asked, "Did you share this with your team?"
No...they...
One had shared about her dad's death
Another about her dad leaving
Another was terrified to face the day's challenge
The two guys...they tried to help but
Who was there to comfort the girls
She didn't want to add to the pain
So she kept her struggles in
Helped them
And today, has become exhausted by it all

She comes to me
And I know this is bigger than her shoulders can handle

She is a star
At the school
Among peers
An amazing girl
Kind, smart, caring, giving
Yet so much pain and pressure from all sides
I can comfort, listen, ask questions, cry with her
But it's not enough
Lord, she needs You
Open her eyes to see how she needs You
To see You
To know You are real and true
Be her refuge and strength through this life
Become the Rock she needs
Her source of strength

And as I pray that she will come to You
I come to You
I, too, need
Someone stronger

This week's JOY

The last two posts were sad and painful...yes, one day, and especially for a few hours, this past week was quite hard.

But sad, has not been the overall theme. No, there has been much JOY this week!

The above picture was my "happy sighting" two days ago, on the walk on my way to work. The day before I had seen this woman washing the legs of these stools while a friend seemed to be pouring out her heart. I wondered why the friend didn't help. Looks like she's got help now.

Last Saturday at the centre was just hilarious! I was working with Hope, reviewing the specific content of the camp happening next week. Others were doing other things. At some point we noticed the fan, the one broken at the "neck," and there were comments about how it always hangs its head, "low self-worth," "Oh good thing it's here with us because this is an environment where it can receive comfort and learn to hold its head up again"...except "we treat it badly, keep putting in in the storage room." Yeah, sure, goofy "you had to be there" to find it funny stuff, but it was funny. At one point folks in the other room were laughing and I "yelled" at them, "Don't you know we're supposed to be serious here!" Later, when a burst of laughter came from our room, we were told to keep it down. We promptly went to the other room, apologizing profusely with heads bowed and bows. All this goofing off and interruptions when we were SO BEHIND in our planning, but it all flowed and was great fun. Now, pondering that day I realize--I am a different person. That sort of not prepared, and so many interruptions, in the past...I would have been so stressed, and stressing others out too!

And today--how great to walk into the centre for summer camp counsellor training and have folks that have come especially to help out. Someone came from another province.  Even more exciting was seeing past sponsored students--our grads, former counselors some--back to learn and give and grow. And they remember stuff learned when they were students in the program. And former counsellors remember stuff taught before.Ah, some have far to go and much to learn, but they are willing.

Funniest thing--I was to demonstrate "good active listening." Hope chose the question she was going to talk about: "If I could be anyone else in the world instead of myself I would be..." and she said that was me. It was funny and strange, and I had a super hard time knowing what to think or ask or how to be a "good listener" in front of a bunch of other people. But some stuff she said blesses my heart and makes me wonder... Oh...is she seeing Him? Being drawn?

Yes, there has been joy, much joy! Thank you Lord!

Why it hurts...

Why does it hurt so bad?
I think I finally figured it out
Thank You!
It's because
I'm not one to give up
I don't
I don't give up hope
But in this case I have to
And it goes against everything in me
I've been so trained in
Still believing
Still hoping
"Maybe things will change"
And anything but
Is agony

(weird...that hoping is sometimes agony too!)

But...
I've walked away before
I've laid things down before
It was hard then too
Was there anything I learned then
And now
That will help?

This helps already
Realizing why it hurts
Hope, I guess,
Was never meant to die
It is the nature of hope
To keep hoping
And even when I think I don't have hope anymore
I'm still
(believe it or not)
Hoping

Lord, please, help this one to die, to rest.
It needs to
I need to go on
Thank You 
You know
You understand
You...are holding me now.

Weeping

For a pain I can't name
I don't understand
Well
I do
It's an ending
A finality
And it hurts

I've been here before
And I've seen the pain end
I think
I have hope
That it will pass soon

But for now
It has hit
With a surprising...
what...
intensity?
depth?
no...it's just a foggy sort of pain
undefined
non-articulated
it just sends tears

Learning to Believe God is Good

It's so hard to figure out why I don't believe it
And in a sense, it's not even true, that I don't believe
Because I do believe He is good
I've believed it for years
I've based my life on it
Many life choices...
If He's not good, and faithful to provide,
Then I'd never have done what I did,
Gone where I've gone, starting things I've started
And I certainly wouldn't have stayed around
To see His provision make it possible

And yet I don't believe
Sorry, I'm ashamed to say it
And it's no reflection on Him
And I don't know why

I...live with this tension
This fear
This holding back
Sometimes, I see things that need to go ahead
And all that is before me
And in my heart
I have the brakes on
I'm trying to slow it down
Keep it under control
Make it go slow enough that I can keep up
Understand

I need to learn to trust You
To trust that You're good
I've learned much
There is much less anxiety

And yet I want to trust You more

I want to wake up in the morning
Excited about the day
I want a belief and knowledge
That You are at work in and around it all
To pervade everything
I want to greet the surprises with anticipation
Not fear
Knowing
It must be good
It will be interesting
It will work out
There will be joy
And strength enough
And provision for everything
In fact
It's all going to be more amazing
Than I could ever hope or imagine!

Sinking into You

Lord,
Can I somehow
Sink into You, today?
Find myself lost in You
That kind of "lost"
Is so NOT lost
But covered, held
Found

Lord, You know
I'm tired
Weary
I know some of the things that have tired me
But perhaps not all
I may have ideas about what will bring refreshment
But I don't know fully

Lord, I come to You
Hold me
Fill me
Refresh me

Help me to rest
Help me to see
Whatever is needed
(And You are the One who really knows)
Please,
Do that in me today
As I sink into You
Am covered by You
Buried in You
Buried
Then raised to life
For this life
And this race
That you want me to run
This week