So it's about "service", this week in The Journey.
I was eager to serve, I love to serve, I can easily serve too much and for wrong motives. I work in a serving profession. I generally joyfully serve. So what's there to learn, right?
No, I didn't go into it that glibly, or that naively this week. I knew there would be lots to learn...there always is...
Some of the tasks of this week are service that I gladly take on.
In fact, I can't think of any task that I don't want to take on.
But what I'm finding is a complete and utter inability to serve well.
It's not I don't like the task, I do.
It's not that I don't think the other needs serving, they do.
It's not that I don't want to, I do.
I just keep stumbling at it.
I guess I stumble over myself.
My selfishness and impatience gets in the way.
I start out wanting to serve and bless,
And end up irritated and frustrated.
It's not about the task.
It seems, there is something wrong with my heart
At a very core level
That I cannot seem to reach
I'd do better washing feet
(well, at least for a day or two...)
(*The painting--hangs on my living room wall--a gift from a dear friend, an original...and a great reminder. No faces in the picture. So...just who is washing feet? It is not limited.)
So many people, so many places, often very difficult, but much to learn. I look up, listen, ask for wisdom, strength, courage, and love for today's trek.
Two Boys
Two boys
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Same grade
Same grief group
Both lost dad to suicide
Both saw dad's body not too long after the fact
One found the body hanging
One saw him shortly after the stabbing, blood everywhere
...details that were never shared in the grief group
Two guys
I
Watched them suffer
Watched them lost
Watched them hurt
Watched them and yearned...
Now...both...adopted into new family
A new Dad
Reaching out
Healing
Oh...Thank You Father
For reaching out to them
God...there is still a third boy
From that grade
From that grief group
When I think back to that group
The thing I remember most is the one time
The third boy
His small voice
Confessing loss and hurt
Will he come too
Will he know You
Will he join the family
Your great big family
Of hope and healing
And boys... coming home
(Wow...just heard about one of these guys today...weeping as I write this... the things that grab a heart! The tears shed before, the prayers prayed, now...seeing them answered, step by step. Maybe 4 years from now I'll hear news about people I hurt and wept and prayed for last year...)
Non-Christians better than Christians
This is a sad one, but I do agree, and I'm seeing it now.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Someone else said this. I was recommending one of our former students to his program in his city. He trains university students to do youth programs, and then then run them in the junior and senior high schools--communication, anger management, etc. And I said, "He's not a Christian," thinking maybe that he may only take on believers. "That's okay he said, some non-Christians are better than Christians."
Yeah, I know.
We're teaching a program this term--my colleague is not a believer, but wow, she is a neat person. And ever since she started working here she has been willing to grow and learn. She is so engaged, it has been such a pleasure planning and teaching the program with her. She engages, and facilitates--adds her thoughts even if it is someone else teaching and it might get changed a bit later.
We last taught it two and a half years ago. At the time my partner in the project was a "Christian", but how many times did he seem to be engaged, only to drop the ball, not follow through. Finally he totally backed out of helping with the preparation.
What about me?
Yeah, what about me.
In some things I do pretty well, my colleagues would point out areas in which I've grown. But I sure have been showing up late to a lot of meetings lately. I know there is at least one person that notices, and it bothers him.
What about me...
To be faithful...
To grow, and change.
It's important.
Can You meet him?
Please meet him Lord
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
I don't even know if he's Yours
Maybe
But he feels distant
Distant
But maybe in a place to learn and grow again
He called tonight
Wanted to know what I thought he should do
He's lacking courage, he says
Afraid of everything
I thinking he's lacking reason, motivation
Reason and hope big enough to make it worth it
Although far from you
He still has his Bible
Still takes it on his travels I guess
Right there by his bed
I told him to read Joshua 1
How you told Joshua he should be courageous
And WHY he could
Lord, help him to see it
Help him to dare to reach out to You again
And believe
And, as he reads
Can You do something special?
Can You meet him there?
Can You do that thing You are really good at...
where it just comes alive
And the truth in the Book resonates
As truth inside a heart
Help him get it Lord
Thank You for bringing him to this place
More willing to be weak, to admit his weakness
Lead him to healing Lord
Fill up the emptiness
This is Your will
Do it for him please..
In Jesus' name
This is my prayer
(This guy...another one, whose dad died when he was young. Now his mom is gone somewhere else, remarried, and he is lost.)
Bring me back
Please bring me back LORD
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
Help me return
To rhythm
Rhythm and connection
A rhythm of getting up for time with You
Seeking you first before anything else
Seeking
And really connecting
Not allowing myself this frantic running around
And busyness
The busyness may come
And interfere for a time
But it has been long enough now
And now it is time
To get back
LORD, show me again, still
How to stop
Where to spend my time this week
And may I reserve much time to
Speak with You
Ask YOUR advice on so many things
And listen
Really listen
Long and deep
Bring me back Lord
To rhythm and connection
A rhythm that keeps me connected to YOU
Nothing else really matters
Anything else is useless
There will be no fruit from anything else
No lasting fruit
May I remember
And believe
And DO
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