oh to learn to live life slow
not rushed
not bursting with ideas
and rushing to catch up
but
thoughtfully
relaxed
wisely
listening
a kind and gentle presence with others
a calm and settled essence within
broken
That staff
It's broken now
And so am I
Any worship
Any service
Is broken
incomplete
imperfect
Much not known
Much not 'together'
But You are the Healer
Redeemer
The one who takes what's shattered
And redeems
renews
And I will worship
This life was meant to give glory to You
To worship You
I have found no other
Worthy of my adoration
Worthy of following for a lifetime
I have found no other
Healer
Redeemer
Broken, fallen
I keep crawling to You
Because I know You receive
You restore
You renew
and You will never stop loving
even the broken
even me
This place, this time...
I asked for remote
Got it!
It's pouring rain outside
beautiful!
Been staying, these two weeks, on land and in the area devastated by the great tsunami of 2004
sobering!
Death and birth, tears and laughter, pain and healing, terrible sleep but very alert
a week of extremes
So much to do, plan, nail down in this next week before heading back
starting to settle down...
God of me, Jesus, Immanuel--Healer, Teacher, Father, Friend, Wise Counsellor, Judge to whom I give account, Saviour, Redeemer, Rock of Refuge, Hiding Place, Shepherd, Risen One, Lion, Lamb of God--oh please lead me these days, may I rest, and work, and ponder. May I "do" and "be" in good proportion. Lead me in the way I should go.
Got it!
It's pouring rain outside
beautiful!
Been staying, these two weeks, on land and in the area devastated by the great tsunami of 2004
sobering!
Death and birth, tears and laughter, pain and healing, terrible sleep but very alert
a week of extremes
So much to do, plan, nail down in this next week before heading back
starting to settle down...
God of me, Jesus, Immanuel--Healer, Teacher, Father, Friend, Wise Counsellor, Judge to whom I give account, Saviour, Redeemer, Rock of Refuge, Hiding Place, Shepherd, Risen One, Lion, Lamb of God--oh please lead me these days, may I rest, and work, and ponder. May I "do" and "be" in good proportion. Lead me in the way I should go.
You, My Hope
With all that is in me
All the passion left in this soul of mine
I cling to You
God, You are my hope
My refuge
You are the one
Who will make a way through this
You are the one
Who will take me safely to the end
Me,
Passionate one
Who sometimes wonders if the passion is dying
Who sometimes wonders if there is any hope left
My hope in people
Is greatly diminished
My hope in You
Is still there
With all the passion that is in me
I hope in You
You, Great God
You, Lover of Me
I hope in You
All the passion left in this soul of mine
I cling to You
God, You are my hope
My refuge
You are the one
Who will make a way through this
You are the one
Who will take me safely to the end
Me,
Passionate one
Who sometimes wonders if the passion is dying
Who sometimes wonders if there is any hope left
My hope in people
Is greatly diminished
My hope in You
Is still there
With all the passion that is in me
I hope in You
You, Great God
You, Lover of Me
I hope in You
Is it okay...?
Is it okay to just be distant?
Is it okay to not care?
To choose to not care?
yes, what I mean is
deliberately
numb self
walk away
because caring
hurts
breeds disappointment
Sometimes, it seems, a heart really needs to just learn
some lessons regarding relationships with some people
Choosing "numb"
Seems to be taking it too far
But "distancing" may be good
God of me
Jesus!
Show me how to see from YOUR perspective
Okay, yes, show me where I'm wrong in this too
And, for where they are wrong
May I see from Your perspective
Probable NOT
not caring
numb
but with compassion
but possibly still distance
Not letting self get so entangled
Letting others take responsibility for their choices
If I need to be connected
Clear boundaries
Make sure agreements are all clear
Is it okay to not care?
To choose to not care?
yes, what I mean is
deliberately
numb self
walk away
because caring
hurts
breeds disappointment
Sometimes, it seems, a heart really needs to just learn
some lessons regarding relationships with some people
Choosing "numb"
Seems to be taking it too far
But "distancing" may be good
God of me
Jesus!
Show me how to see from YOUR perspective
Okay, yes, show me where I'm wrong in this too
And, for where they are wrong
May I see from Your perspective
Probable NOT
not caring
numb
but with compassion
but possibly still distance
Not letting self get so entangled
Letting others take responsibility for their choices
If I need to be connected
Clear boundaries
Make sure agreements are all clear
Can't dying just be easy?
It seems the next steps for me will involve an awfull lot of dying.
And dying is painful.
Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.
But dying is hard.
Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...
I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.
Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me... May I live in Your love as I die.
Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.
As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.
Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.
And dying is painful.
Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.
But dying is hard.
Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...
I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.
Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me... May I live in Your love as I die.
Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.
As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.
Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.
So many disappointments...
I thought the wound was needing forgiveness for healing to take place. True, I've been in the process of figuring out my anger, and choosing to forgive. Forgiveness has been and is part of the process. Am I done? Is everything forgiven? I'm not totally sure, but, as I've spent some concentrated time thinking and praying around the issues and relationships that feel painful these days, I've come to the conclusion, forgiveness is not the issue, disappointment is.
Related, and driving the point home even further, I just went skimming through my email 'drafts' folder--oh, so many emails never sent. And some of the "top on my radar" disappointments show up in there too.
God, what do I do with these? Why do they hurt so bad? How do I learn to better cope with the disappointments of life? And, that some have piled up over the years--is that a sign of unforgiveness, or that I just need to set clear boundaries, at least in my mind, around (or between) myself and certain individuals?
My response, at this point, is to shut down, to not care, to not engage. It's too big. It's too risky. It's too painful. Oh, I'm not shutting down and "not engaging" with everyone, but definitely with these ones, and all that concerns them. My guard is up and high, and I want to keep it up. Beware, I tell myself, don't trust them again, don't trust the friendly conversation, you can be friendly, but don't share your heart. Oh yeah, and isn't that the way to live!
This is where I am today. These are the questions, this is the awareness of my heart pain. This is the me I bring to the Healer. Teach me your ways, O God. God I want to see.
Being shaped...
Go ahead
Follow through
Make the choice to
forgive, and put this behind you
Trust me to shape you
into something beautiful
Whatever it is
You are made for My glory
You are meant to praise Me
Praise Me
Worship Me
It may seem useless now
But I will put the staff in Your hand again
With it I lead you by still waters
You will lead others to peace in Me
Out of Clay...
Out of clay
He shapes
He forms
Sometimes He needs to first patiently remove
Hard, brittle and useless pieces,
firmly embedded
He removes
And then He reshapes
What is He making?
What is in His heart?
Will I be okay with it?
Will I like it?
This removing
is painful
The future
so unknown
But does He not have the right
to do as He pleases?
It is His making
His craftmanship
And it is for His Glory
For His worship
He shapes
He forms
Sometimes He needs to first patiently remove
Hard, brittle and useless pieces,
firmly embedded
He removes
And then He reshapes
What is He making?
What is in His heart?
Will I be okay with it?
Will I like it?
This removing
is painful
The future
so unknown
But does He not have the right
to do as He pleases?
It is His making
His craftmanship
And it is for His Glory
For His worship
Come to me...
I don't think it's the first time He said it, but He said it again today. I think it's supposed to be the theme of this next season.
Come to me
Come to me
Don't come to fix things
Don't worry about figuring everything out
Come to me, it will be okay
Come to me
I will teach you
I will lead you
Come to me
You don't need to be afraid
I will take care of you
Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
Come to me
Come to me
Don't come to fix things
Don't worry about figuring everything out
Come to me, it will be okay
Come to me
I will teach you
I will lead you
Come to me
You don't need to be afraid
I will take care of you
Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
He Laughs a lot
Someone outside keeps laughing.
He's in conversation with someone else, and ... he just seems to laugh quite often.
Not a bad thing, to have it be said or known about you...He laughs a lot. She's happy. He lightens up the atmosphere. Love her easy-going and friendly manner.
Laughter...good for the soul
Good for everyone around you.
Laugh.
Enjoy life.
Enjoy people.
Enjoy God.
I want to laugh more.
He's in conversation with someone else, and ... he just seems to laugh quite often.
Not a bad thing, to have it be said or known about you...He laughs a lot. She's happy. He lightens up the atmosphere. Love her easy-going and friendly manner.
Laughter...good for the soul
Good for everyone around you.
Laugh.
Enjoy life.
Enjoy people.
Enjoy God.
I want to laugh more.
I didn't yet say...
I didn't yet note, did I?
That 2012 MUST NOT continue like its first day!
Oh the first day was good in some ways
Great and meaningful messages shared with students
Wrapping up with the final sessions for both the guys' and the girls' courses
We didn't intend for it to be so crazy
A 12+ hour work day, with sessions over-lapping
(It was Sunday, a rest day, and Sabbath for many in this world)
Crazy scheduling and changes at the school these students attend
...requires a lot of flexibility
Not much we could do
But the day was long
And I have lived and worked too many long days
In my life
and in 2011
In 2012
Things must be different
Next week, we meet and finish planning
And the plans we make
Will much determine the length of the days
In the first half of 2012
Lord...lead us...Give your wisdom, lend Your fear
That 2012 MUST NOT continue like its first day!
Oh the first day was good in some ways
Great and meaningful messages shared with students
Wrapping up with the final sessions for both the guys' and the girls' courses
We didn't intend for it to be so crazy
A 12+ hour work day, with sessions over-lapping
(It was Sunday, a rest day, and Sabbath for many in this world)
Crazy scheduling and changes at the school these students attend
...requires a lot of flexibility
Not much we could do
But the day was long
And I have lived and worked too many long days
In my life
and in 2011
In 2012
Things must be different
Next week, we meet and finish planning
And the plans we make
Will much determine the length of the days
In the first half of 2012
Lord...lead us...Give your wisdom, lend Your fear
Do You Want to be Healed?
Earlier I said I 'thought' my one word for 2012 would be Healing, but I wasn't sure. My hesitancy mostly related to how it seemed too passive a word, and that is not the kind of healing I'm talking about or feeling the need to pursue in 2012. I'm talking about something more like intense, active physiotherapy, than sleep. And in that vein...I'm going with it.
Where this journey will take me...I don't know yet.
What is needed...I'm not totally sure.
I will come here to post what I'm learning along the journey.
Today was my 'silent' day. Most Monday's are off, and I disengage from people locally. I pulled out my iPod this evening, and listened to Menlo Park Presbyterian Church's New Year service. The message centres around John 5 and Jesus asking the man by the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be healed?"
So I ask myself... Do I really want the healing I say I want? I see the need for some changes, I see some brokenness. In some areas I can answer with a very honest "yes!"--these are the root areas, in me, the areas in which I see the way to healing as being spending time in God's presence, learning to know Him more, having Him reveal, touch and heal those places.
But then there are other places. I've noticed some patterns lately, especially when it comes to difficult things to work out with other people. When it's awkward, and I see no way forward, and I am busy...I just put it off. And the problem stays, and it happens again and again. Do I want healing in this? Do I want to learn and start practising new ways of coping with difficult relationships? Yes...but... how, where do I start? I'm going to need some insight, and I'll need to start small, maybe with some other people. For these big ones, that have happened over and over...I don't know if I even want to bother.
Lord, this is me here before You...please lead...
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