Why does this move me?

Why am I looking at this castle?
Why does it move me?
Take a look here
Or just Google "Neuschwanstein Castle" 
and find a whole bunch more photos

Gorgeous
Majestic
Grand
or something else...
Somehow it stirs...
Something beyond words
a yearning 
I can't explain
a desire
for something I could never attain
but somehow feel 
I was meant for
A kind of 
Glory


What Happened Lord?

How did this happen Lord
So quickly

I started the day praying and listening
and asking and committing
that I would have patience, 
and that the meeting and planning would go well

And it did, for the most part
And then there was this moment
I remember so clearly
Thinking... "made the goal today"


Is that when it went wrong
Dropped my guard and
Poof...
Gone


What followed was the frustrating part
And crazy miscommunication and loggerheading





Just One (Talking to Trees 1)

I noticed you today
Don't know why I didn't before
You are a palm tree

Palm trees are nothing unusual
Plentiful in some places
But here, on this mountain
There is just one
 

Only you

You are an oddity here
Among all the other greenery
You stand alone and forlorn

Alone, Yet you've grown strong and tall
 

Do you mind being so odd?
Do you mind that you have to hold the fort alone?
There in that spot

I will never know

There might be others like you
The only one of their kind in these surroundings

But they don't stand out like you do
It seems the other varieties
Have the joy of like-natured companionship

But you are definitely unique

Even in placement and space
There is a gap between you and them

All others stand apart from you

Is it because you're unique, they ran away?
Did they not want to be near you?
Or did you not want to be near them?
Or were you the only one that could handle that place?

Do you feel alone?
You are far from the others on the surface
Yet you share the same soil
Perhaps you reach out and touch
Somewhere down deep where you go for nourishment

You are watered by the same rain
You were planted by the same Creator

Who are you to complain?
Who are you to resent?
Or to boast?
Each would be equally in vain

Live the you you were meant to be
Grow and flourish where you were planted
For your singularity
You will be noticed, despised, and perhaps admired too
I hope you can live beyond all these

Keep reaching up
Looking up 

Be your palm tree self
Live free


(Wrote most of this Oct. 4, 2010, not sure why I didn't finish...Was learning from the trees that day. Perhaps I'll complete the other post too...)

He delivered

Been wanting to talk to him for a while.
Held off because
Well, he doesn't know much of the situation
He's quite distant from it
Being half a world away and all
And not knowing some of the pieces
And ... aren't you supposed to talk directly 
   to the person/people involved first?
But I've tried sometimes
And didn't know what to do next
Finally decided 
   there was a part I could and should ask him about

I guess I needed someone truly safe
Someone who really loves me to the end
And someone with whom I can really share my heart
I also wanted to talk to him
   because I knew he would bring wisdom
   because I knew he would tell it to me straight
He would question heart motives
He wouldn't let me smooth over anything
No way to bluff, hide...
If I had wanted to

And, well, you delivered Dad
Good, hard.
Words of truth delivered so straight
And so gently
Yet, not stopped by my tears (good!)

He said,
"Maybe the one thing you don't want to do, is what you need to do."
"Do you love...?  ...the second commandment is an outflow of the first"
"We're challenged to be thankful in all things...we're challenged to do things we cannot do on our own."

"You need to keep focused on [your purpose]."
And then there were the comments like, "Yes, you could be hurt again,." "This will refine you," and, "Keep taking it to God."

What more does a person need when facing tough challenges?
...when it's hard to figure out what to do,
...and easy to put off going forward because it is so darn hard! 
Thank you Daddy! 
   

Forty-one-year-old daughters, still need dads that will listen, be safe and close (the tears flowed way more than I expected, way more than usual when I talk with others), and yet speak strong and hard words--"Do what is right. Do what you need to do. Keep taking it to the LORD." 

And now...for my part...

Moving on...





















The time is now
To make a plan

And move to action

Enough of this moping
There is way too much to do
Too much good to pursue
Too many people to bless
So many opportunities not yet seen
And so many things I am thankful are over

I will learn grace
I will learn the power of the cross
I will continue to choose to forgive
and re-frame all memories
in the shape of hope



Don't want to play ...

There are so many different games
I don't want to play anymore...

Pretending we are comrades
Pretending we are friends
Walking this life together
But the sharing only goes one way

Evaluating the roles of others
Looking so good and so busy
The knowledgeable one
The wise one
but hiding so many insecurities

Manipulations
Compliments that leave one with nothing to say
What was that about?
How does one respond?

Falsity...
Looks so true in one situation
But comes up empty in another

How can I
Refuse to play these games
Yet still keep a soft heart
And learn to live in love

How Do I Do This?

Really not sure how it's going to go
Or how to approach
All quite overwhelming
And I'm doing the best I can see to do
But it's never enough
Lots of failure
I'm exhausted


Lord, awaken me in the morning with the news of Your unfailing love

May this day be used well

May any distractions I follow
     ...still serve to advance what is good.
But may I also discern, 

      and reject useless distractions.
There is 

     work to do, 
     a heart to cultivate, 
     ears to clean out, 
     direction and hope to receive.
May this day be used well!

Did You Like it Lord?


Did You like it Lord?
Were You pleased?
Honoured?
I hope so

Did truth shine through?
Did it draw them to You?
Could they see their need
and Your provision?

Was it strong enough?
Or just a lame tag-on?
Oh, no, not the latter, please!

They seemed to feel it
Then seemed to connect
They recognized, affirmed
They have the same problem I have
After all the things we can do and want to do
To be better people
In the end
I must admit--my heart can be just rotten
And sometimes I just don't want to do or be good

Did they see it clearly enough?
Was it powerful enough to remember?
Oh, but I didn't really tell them how to go forward
Not even to say, "talk to me later"
I did say ... 'only You' as solution

This, too, I trust into Your hands
I've been praying, asking, seeking
Earlier, then lots this past week or more
I trust that You gave wisdom
And Words

Lord, take the seeds now
Plant them deep
May they come to life
In fertile hearts

Hope is Rising--4

He's back to 4 today. Good! I'm so glad. And he's saying "thank you" more often now too. Good signs!

Is he pulling through? Coming out of danger? After what happened this week, is there a real and permanent change that has happened and will make all the difference?


Ever since that week he was really low, two nights and the next morning where I wondered if he was already gone, we've had this system.  It seems to be the easiest thing, and he can answer even if he doesn't want to answer anything else....a text message, a number between 1 and 10--the "hope" level for the day.

The highest ever has been a 6--just one day, and there were some 5's, there there were lots of 4's, but this past week or more it's been 3.  And actually...I don't remember if he's said 2... Thursday when I asked about 1, he didn't want to talk about it. Two is needing to drop out of school, at least for a time. One is thinking of suicide. Yes, scary that about suicide the answer was, "Can I not say?"

That day and the next were still 3. But today, after a good time of playing basketball, back to 4.

What pain. What loss. I have no idea how I would cope if it were me. 
What will this look like years from now? I have no idea. I do hope it's glorious! I hope his life is full of Hope and Joy and Love. I hope he has a wonderful family and is a great husband and dad. I hope he never leaves them to work far away. I hope the One who loves him most really has become his Father, and that the pain of losing his earthly dad becomes healing.  I hope he finds healing for all the scars--the pain and the guilt.

I hope he has an incredible story that he loves to tell. I hope he tells it with grace and dignity. And I hope many gain the same through his life, his story, his healing...pointing to another.


I hope for what I do not see, but is completely possible, maybe actually on the way.

I Pause to Weep...

I pause to weep for her
for her pain

What would it be like? I can't imagine
To have your mom come to town
Lay on your bed, tell you how
A week ago she almost took her life

Well, not sure if she really wanted to take her life
They had been fighting, 
and this story has happened before
Mom and Dad fighting
(Usually he's mad because she keeps needing to take medicine
And it costs money)
He was drunk
And mad
so he said he was going to kill himself
grabbed the bottle of pesticide
She told the kids to stop him
He couldn't open the bottle
The kids couldn't stop him, turn to her
She wrestled it from him
And smashed it on the ground

Then, to shock him
took a rope and started to hang herself 
(story a little fuzzy at this point)
but she fell
and the rope was tight
and she couldn't get free
fainted
a neighbour saw
called others
and rescued

but this wasn't the first time
and, other than feeling bad for the kids
she wonders why not

I began pausing to weep for the daughter
but now ... also the father
and mother
and children
father...feels he doesn't get a return on his labour
mother...doesn't know if life is worth it, regrets marrying this man
children...one, when in grade 3, tried to hang herself one day when she was mad
 

I'm sure they feel much more than all this...
This is the part I heard
I pause to weep...

His dad left today

His dad left today, left to go work somewhere else in this big country. He didn't want him to leave, wanted him to stay around for the rest of this year at least, but he left. He left, not taking a phone. Not planning to have a phone. When will they next be in touch? When will he next hear from him?

Two years go this time, he was in grade 12, and his dad was working far away, when the rumours started. Rumours, and some evidence he saw himself--mom seemed to be involved with someone else. He pleaded with is dad, take mom to where you are. He fought for the family, and they are still together. It was in one of those conversations his dad told him, "When we got married I found out she was pregnant with you." He is another man's son. Whose...I wonder how much he wonders. Later his dad came back and said something like, "but you have always been my son". A son of love, if not of blood.

He is going to do better than his dad. He is learning to look in the face of the pain. He feels it, he admits it. Oh, he's not too good at admitting it yet, but he's learning. And he's learning to admit his struggle, his weakness. He'll learn to be able to work things through with others.

His dad...I'm sure he's done the best he can. In so many ways I respect him. But...he carries his own wounds. He is still physically affected by beatings received as a child. And having your own father shoot and kill your brother. Yes, his dad has his own wounds. 

Lord, bring Your healing to this family. When and how will this young man ever feel safe enough to be completely and totally vulnerable? To admit his deep need. To find hope and healing in You.

He's trying to learn. He's working to grow. But sometimes the pain is deep and he feels so small.

Tears are falling today, falling for this young man, and for the gap and for the pain.
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