Old Lady Dreams

I'm starting to get over the shock of being 38. (Actually, I think what it really is about is how close that number is to 40.) It surprised me the way I was thinking about it actually, especially when in this country you answer with your 'next' age long before your actual birthday. I've been saying, "I'm 38 this year," for months!

Anyway, I have now decided to turn my brain in another direction. I'm now thinking about what kind of old lady I want to be, should I have the opportunity to become one.

Earlier in the year I said, "I want to be a spunky old lady!" I still say that.

At someone's blog (I forget whose) I read about him attending a funeral of an elderly man who had been a mentor and inspiration to him many years earlier, but they had lived in different places in recent years. Someone else, though, who had kept up with the older man, commented that he had never stopped learning and growing, and his relationship with the Father was always fresh, right up to the end. I want to be like that. If I make it to the 80's or even 90's, I want to be always learning--from books, from other people of all ages, from God.

And, I want to be an old lady that blesses and encourages, not hurts and tears down, with her words.

That's enough for now. I've got years of work and 'being changed' to do to work on that last one alone.

Will let you know if I have any more old lady dreams. Maybe pursuit of the my old lady dream will stop me from being so shocked at the numbers as they go by, and not so tempted to get to "39 and holding."

Hmmm...I think I'm also going to have to come up with some "Coffin Dreams."

I Wanted To Visit

I wanted to visit you Jesus, really, I did. You said I should, and it's the one thing I've not done in that list. But when the opportunity came, I didn't. And yet I think it was right. You are in prison, and I didn't visit you. I could have tried, but it seemed best not to. See... if I visit you now, then later I might not be able to comfort your kids, and you gave them to me first. I'm not sure the kids understand. I hope they do. I think you do.

Why so Snarly?

I wish I was different, better. I wish what was in me, and comes out more easily under stress and when tired, looked better when it reveals itself. Different people, different surroundings, a different schedule and different pressures...have revealed the same old ME. Impatience (a little stretching and testing shouldn't be a problem). Irritability and pride (so what if they doubt me at every turn, does it really matter?)

I noticed some others this week too. Two couples--one--the words, the attitudes, not really what I imagine a lifetime of following should look like. Oh they were basically nice and kind, but there were those strained times...the kind I know about. Are those areas given over to Him? Can He grow them?

The other couple--I was inspired! In so many little ways, I could see the real LIFE in them and through them. The way they talked with each other, the grace and joy and laughter for easy conversation with those they knew and strangers they were meeting. Although at least in their 7th decade, they were so relevant. Yes, this is, I think, what it means to have a life transformed by Jesus. This is the life I want for myself.

This couple gives me hope.
This couple shows the way.
Yet they also show the cost.
Am I willing, to change my life and schedule, to such a degree that He has full access to me, so that the refining can really happen in earnest?

Born with the "Why?"

Why is it
     that I was born with the “why?”
And I really was
     ask my mom

It’s in me, central to my life
     Yet it irritates, frustrates
     even angers
     others
Don't they ask
     why?
Why not?

The answer is so important
     And must be evaluated,
     Is it worth the action that follows?

But first comes the why
What is it, the reason behind
     the action?
     the feeling?
     the knot in the stomach?
     the outburst of anger?
     the job move?
     the educational pursuits?
     the time spent doing ____?
     the kiss?
     the hug?
     the fist?
     the hit?
     the escape?
     the embrace?
     the joy?
     the pain?
     the courage?
     the endurance?
     the persistence?
Why?

And why change?
     Why grow?
     Why love?
     Why give?
     Why serve?
     Why risk?
     Why live?

King Jesus
     all my why's
     somehow lead back to you
     are related to you
     You gave me this life -- Why?

In Memorandum

You Would be Two

I don't know why I thought of you today
You would be two now

plus a couple of months
And your sister
older by at least nine

You would be laughing, dancing, running

Eyes full of light and life
talking, singing
Had you been allowed to live

Why did the thought of you, of both of you

come pouring at me today
Of how you left...
one, to who knows where
you locked in a room
your mother not allowed to feed you
till the cries grew weaker
and stopped
and you were taken and buried, only your father knows where
("father" NOT a title he is worthy of)

Your blood cries out

Probably your mom cries too
Why she went back to him
What's happening now
Is there another child
also in danger?
God save this one
If it's a boy, the father will let him live
Let him live, but please, save him from the father and his father

Leadership is...

We were coming back from a countryside school where there was a new principal. Just a couple of days earlier, at another school, my colleague found that their principal was new too. The second one confirmed that this was the same for a lot of schools in the county. Sitting beside me on the bus was someone who works in one of the townships, and has been moved around to different ones and in different leadership positions. Questioning him about that, he replied, "There are some things that are just hard to do, so you need to change often." For his positions two years is about how long he is one place. I still thought it strange. Wouldn't you be able to lead better once you were there longer and understood the local situation better? He finally spelled it out real clearly: "When you're in a place and people know your weaknesses, then they don't listen to you." Ah...so that's it.

I've been doing a lot of reading in Colossians lately--"the kingdom of the Son He loves" jumped out at me. I've been pondering this King, and what His leadership in His kingdom looks like--primarily from how those 3 years with His followers looked. He did not 'lord it over' others. He was completely authentic. He was so patient with His slow to learn followers. He won them over by who He was.

Today we had a meeting in our office. One hour of the time was devoted to each one (three of us) bringing up ideas from "Transform Your Workplace," that we could see could be applied or done better in our work situation. Ouch, some of it was hard, as some of MY 'weaknesses' came to light. I still don't know what to do in response to some. Gee, life would sure be easier if those I lead didn't know me so well. Maybe it's time for a switch of positions. Nah. I must choose another way, a way that requires more of me. How I need King Jesus to teach me humility. I need to listen for the truth in what was said, and change and grow where needed. Are there things that the other doesn't quite understand of the other side of the picture? Maybe, but I need to be careful not to 'spin' in my favour.