How Long Will I be Here?

Someone I know and respect lost his brother this week. He posted this music video. Ever since I watched it the words and melody have been running through my head.

The man who died--sounds like he was an amazing person, and a blessing to many.

He was 54 when he died.

I am 46.

Many have not made it to the age I am now.

A cousin was only 19 when he succumbed to cancer.

An uncle was only 42 when he left this world.

Some of my great aunts have lived long lives.

They would joke around--"One of our sisters died when she was young, she was 59." (Or was it 69?) Yes, they mostly lived well into their 90's, one (at least) past 100.

And so I ponder again this question: How long will I be here?

Not sure how much time I should spend pondering it.

At this point I don't know the answer, and don't really need to know.

And yet to stop and feel it, the poignancy and mystery of the brevity of life, and the reality that it is beyond our control--not a bad thing.

Somehow, it seems, it is important to learn to hold this reality, to live humbly before it.

And somehow it's important to then, not fritter away our days, make sure they are invested for what matters, lived well--stewarding well the "talents" entrusted to us.

Captured again

It amazes me, You know

How You do it

How You capture and inspire my heart

Again and again

Just when I wonder

If I'm too tired

If I'll ever know again

   the "me" that I'm meant to be

   the "me" that is alive to You

When I think I can't hear anymore

When I wonder if I'm dying

Or if I've permanently lost something

You capture my heart again

Last week it was through the book Chasing Fireflies. Oh my, what an amazing story! I cried several times (and laughed too). And through it, and by the end, and the author's personal reflection--You, pulling me, wrecking me actually, igniting again, or deepening, that passion for...to encourage and help young guys, to see them find healing and encouragement, to be amazing and good men--husbands, fathers--in the future!

I'm sure the messages I heard by N.T. Wright yesterday were also a part of renewing and refreshing, refocusing my eyes, my heart, reminding me of Your beauty, the privilege of having Your Word, of knowing Jesus.

Today, it is a song (or maybe more than one song...discovering a group I hadn't heard of--a few great songs!)--Wild Heart, by Urban Rescue. Yes, it brought tears...but maybe because I was needing to cry...to really connect again, or...first to acknowledge, that it's big, that it sometimes feels hard, very hard, and to bring it to You. But in this song, something touched me, something resonated...something in the song resonated with something already true and real and deep, down solid in me...

And in the tears

I know again

That I am alive

Ah...I know

I shouldn't doubt

You are the God who renews and refreshes

You promise to do these things

You, God of the resurrected Jesus

Of course You can resurrect

    and renew

    and revive

    even me.

Thank you.

Urban Rescue

Ooh, hadn't heard of this group before, but...I like this song:

And this one is good too--His Name

Tears will pave the way

I often feel like

When I'm crying, or

When the tears come

Then I am really living

I don't know why

I know a lot gets stuck inside

And it it somehow "hits" me

I feel it

I feel it all*

And it's all jumbled

   immense

   overwhelming

   confusing

Life...

My brain seems to spend a lot of time

Trying to figure it all out

Make sense of it all

But I can't

And I probably won't

Maybe when I cry is when I see reality

It IS big

And I can't figure it out

So just feel it

Acknowledge 

   the pain

   the challenges

   the impossibilities

Let it out in the tears

And then

Pick up and go on

The tears are when I've named it, owned it

And only when I own it

Can I live it

Yep, tears are really living

Tears will pave the way forward

*Maybe this is part of being in the "gut" (8, 9, 1) group on the Enneagram?

(May 30, 2018--discovered in 'drafts.' Not sure why I didn't post earlier)

Courageously Wait

Wait patiently for the LORD.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

Ps, 27:24, NLT

Yes, it does require courage...

Disconnected

Disconnected

That's the other word that describes how I have felt lately

Even longer than three weeks

Off and on

Disconnected from myself

Disconnected from emotions at times

Not really sure of what is what

Of who I am

Or how to properly judge

(or if I am)

How I am doing

From God's perspective

From a bigger perspective

And sometimes I've wondered 

If I was able to feel properly

Perhaps I'd be more excited

On meeting that person

Or in that discussion

If it was another time

Another place

A more integrated me

I'm moving into the rest that is needed

I'm hoping and believing it will help

To get to the place

Once again

Of knowing who I am

And where I am

In You

Unsettled

Unsettled

That has been the reoccurring feeling

Lessening now

But frequent upon landing

On this side of the world

The side that I'm supposed to call "home"

(There really is no "home" now,

that I know, or feel,

only one I hope for,

but that is another topic.)

I don't like the feeling

But it is good to recognize it

And maybe it is good that it exists

And comes to the forefront, 

Due to this shifting between locations.

I stop, often, and ponder the 'why' of the feeling

Where it comes from

Why it is there

And what might bring "settling"

The "why"
Actually probably "why's"
As there are probably several
Part of it is just a natural thing I think
Of not being used to this environment
These social settings
Not knowing how to behave
Or what are the correct or expected behaviours
And there is, behind that then,
The wanting to fit in, to "get it right"
Sometimes it has been a concern about how others see me,
Whether I am properly fitting in with their expectations
There may be other reasons and aspects

And there has been an awareness
That what will bring settling
Is knowing I am okay
Knowing Your love
Knowing You hold all things
I've thought of many words of Dallas Willard
About being free from all these worries
Being at peace--a pervasive sense of well-being
Knowing all is okay
Not needing to push for something with other people
Not wanting or needing them to see me in any particular way

So I'm thankful for the feelings
And the awareness that has been there
All along
And the moments of pause
To look to You
To ask for help
To grow
To learn
To change

I am held by You
I am loved by You
And the more I know it
The more I am settled

All the dreams that haven't happened

I don't know why it's there...

Suddenly, open, in Word...

A document from ... before...

Back when we were planning

When there was excitement

About doing things together...

But that is over now...

That one...with them...

And it hurts

And I think of others

How many times that has happened

What do I DO with all of this

What am I supposed to do?

How do I find hope again?

Why should I try?

Or think that if I do try again, with others,

That somehow it might actually go forward?

These are memories...that haunt
That hurt
Lord, what do I do with these--
Memories of hopes...raised, then dashed
And the dreams and visions 
That invite (or is it taunt?) me now?

(mostly written Dec. 23, 2015)

He prowls this way?

It's incredible, and eerie
The similarities between today
And Feb. 5, 2015
And the only reason I notice
Is it connects to the same one person
(that I rarely connect with)
And today I've reviewed what I wrote then.

Yes, both times around a person, the same person
    someone--these are the only two times of contact in this year
Then it seemed You brought him to mind
As I was in a time of praying and seeking
And You wanted me to ask him
To invite him to come work with us
For the guys
And I did
Well, I tried to
But I did my part
I sent a message
Tried to connect on the phone
He didn't want to talk it seemed
Brushed it of
Sent a text message saying someone else would explain

But today we talked
Yesterday he had sent a text message saying he wanted to
And I've heard about Your leading
And that he will come
And this is a great encouragement
This is a time of great joy
Or...it should be

But at the same time
Today
I've come to the end of myself
Almost despairing
Around other things
And the inability to move forward
And pain
And frustration
And I stumbled on
Something else I wrote
Then
Yes, almost despairing
Not knowing how to go forward
Feeling utterly alone

Is this...just simply part of the battle?
Is this what battle looks like?
On one hand, the fight, the push
For this person, to grow, move forward
And step into blessing others
And the fight within me

Is it that the enemy comes to discourage at this time?
Why? Just to make it harder?
Does he think I'm going to quit? Or give up?
I'm not. That's not going to work
Or maybe His effectiveness is in throwing up a smoke screen
Or sand in the eyes
Distracting the focus
Decreasing effectiveness
Time wasted for lack of seeing what is happening
And energetically responding

(written Jan. 11, 2016)

Questions

What would you do if you could do anything?

Yeah, so, if there were no limits, no constraints, how would I spend my life? What would I choose?

Heard this question on a Michael Hyatt podcast with Greg McKeown (author of Essentialism) today. It was a question that changed the direction of his life. I guess this one is meant to open up our thinking, to get past areas where we might have been living assuming we were locked in, thinking we had no choice. 

So, what would I do. He (Greg) made a list. Maybe I should do some brainstorming, and see where it takes me.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

I heard this one in a video by Sheryl Sandberg. She says it is a question Mark Zuckerberg asks them at Facebook--and it's posted on the walls there. I guess it's meant to encourage us to NOT let fear be the determining factor in our lives, to figure out where fear is hindering or holding us back. Yes, it IS pretty sad if choices get made, or things don't get done, only because of fear.

How many times does God say, "Do not fear," "Do not be afraid," "Be strong and courageous"? To the things He is leading in, for the things he wants us to do, and to do through us, fear cannot be the reason we don't do it, don't go forward. I guess this question then helps to clarify, and point out the areas where fear is a problem. I've done it before, identified my fears, brought them to God, heard His answers and known Him to reduce my fears or, find courage to do it anyway.

So, what would I do if I was not afraid? Figure out a way to do those things.

What would you attempt if you knew that you could not fail?

This one kind of bugs me, but it's related, so I'm posting it. It's on a sticky note on my wall. I just noticed it again recently. It's dated 2007.05.11--yep, that old--from something I saw at Sparkpeople.com. Why does it bug me? Because we CAN fail. Maybe what I attempt will fail. What is more important to learn, I think, is to not be afraid of failure--something that sank in for me a little more through several message heard in the World Leaders Webcast one year, but especially from Craig Groeschel's message on Pushing Through the Fear of Failure.

So, I almost wonder if this question should be rephrased to something like: What is a goal so worth pursuing, that even if you failed, and failed many times along the way, it would still be worth doing, worth risking?or Isn't what you're pursuing worth risking it, even if you fail? Because...you might succeed... or What is a goal so worth pursuing, that you should do it, even if the chance of success is only 5%? You should still do it, and even if you fail, maybe others will come along and do better, and even their success will be worth it.

Oh, I don't know, and I haven't thought enough about the answers to these questions, at least not in any precise and concise way recently, but they do seem to be questions worth pondering, and questions that might give clarity for what needs to be resolved in order to go forward.

to "get" Christmas

So, why did You do it? 

Why did You come?

I'm not getting it this year.

Nothing is sinking in.

Is this it?

There You were

Looking down at us

Wanting more for us

So You decided

To come

To show us

Your heart

Your love

To show us what God is like

To rescue us

To save us

Wanting to change the way You related with us

To come close

To expand Your reach

More effectively

Beyond just one people group

So that we would forever know

And get it

I'm starting to 'get it'

And yet I don't

I've been thinking (again) recently...

The older I get

The less I have answers that would seem 

   to make sense 

   to anyone else

But the older I get

The more deeply I am also convinced 

Of... 

   my need for You

   and the 'proof' within

The goodness You are, that draws me

And this, in itself

Must prove I have been somewhat changed

To recognize You for who You are

I choose faith again

(And I guess I'm on a bit of a Chris Tomlin roll today)

A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  

Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes I forget and I live as though You are not here, as if You had not spoken, as if what I do each day doesn't really matter. I'm sorry Lord, well...sorry a little, but not quite enough yet. I'm not sure it's really sunk in yet. But...thank You for this gentle reminder, this drawing, this invitation...

I took you from the ends of the earth,

    from its farthest corners I called you.

I said, "You are my servant;"

    I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;

    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isa. 41:9-10

It was for Israel, but maybe it is for me too.

You have called me. You have chosen me. There are things You want me to do, for which You will strengthen me. But I forgot, I think. Or I forget in the midst of day to day living, and I end up living as if what I do doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

"Dismayed." Yeah, I guess that's how it is, that's how I live about some of this stuff.

So...what if I readjusted? What if I really look at this as Your promise to me? What if I look into Your eyes, and listen, as You speak this over me?

(pause...breath...read it again...and maybe again...)

As I do that...something shifts.

Thank You for this reminder.

Thank You for this invitation.

Thank You for Your promises...and Your presence.

Yearning...

Yearning today, these days
for something
I don't know what
something that is You
something that satisfies
something I've had and known in the past
   sometimes
something that is still in the future
   not yet revealed
   not yet given

Funny
I'm yearning for it
and yet the yearning
is in itself
somewhat satisfying
as though
   it's right
   it should be
   it's a good place to be

Encouragement from Jeremy Camp

Same Power--Jeremy Camp

He Knows--Jeremy Camp

Even me

I dare to believe

You look on

Notice

And consider

Even me

Yeah, I know

My perspective is probably off

I'm not seeing correctly

I'm frustrated and overwhelmed

By problems

Many of which

Are my own making

And yet I dare to believe

I can come to You

Talk to You about it

You won't just brush me off

You won't nod and pretend You're listening

Meanwhile doing an internal eye roll

Whatever needs to be said

Whatever I need to hear

You'll look on me with 

   love

   grace

   dignity

And

   instruct

   lead

   guide

I dare to believe I can still come

Whatever it is

Whatever the reason

Oh I know

Arrogant or haughty is not the way

That might receive a different welcome

But 

   messed up

   confused

   overwhelmed

   disappointed in self

   the contrite and broken

These can come

And You receive

Even me

Press on!

I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.

My initial thoughts:

I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this. 

THEN I thought...

Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?  

Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.

"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)." 

Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt​ for helping me process this!

Press on, toward the vision

that is beyond your current resources.

I am not alone

I am NOT

     forgotten by You

nor thrown away

     by You

And...

     I am NOT alone

I Am Not Alone

Kari Jobe

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

And I will not fear

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my defender

You're my refuge in the storm

Through these trials

You've always been faithful

You bring healing to my soul

Not Forgotten

I am

not forgotten

Thank You Lord

for the reminder

Just as through me

You reached out to a sister

on the other side of the world

You, through another sister

again, on the other side of the world

reached out to me

simply reminding me

I am not forgotten

It must have been You

that reminded her of me

in this oh-so-difficult time

We haven't connected in ages

she would have no way to know

except for You

putting me

on her mind

"You've been on my mind so much lately"

(and a little 'praying' emoticon)

Thank You

I am

not forgotten

We are

not forgotten

none of us

ever

This is the truth

This is what You promise

I will never leave you nor forsake you

With you always, to the end of the world

but we sometimes forget

or don't feel remembered

Yet You reach out to remind

Thank You

Thank you M.E. for listening to Him, hearing about me, for praying and for letting me know. No, I'm not on the verge of despair or anything that bad, but it has been a tough journey lately. Thank you for reminding me of His care, for letting Him use you to remind me. You blessed me today (well, actually, starting last night) sister!

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing

that we can be

wounded

and yet walking

wounded

and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones

falling ones

stumbling ones

crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling

you can reach back

and give a hand to someone

stumbled in their crawl right beside you

or pause, to stop together and encourage

to keep crawling

I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.