Known

"I Shall Know Him"

I enjoyed the song today

Showed up on my FB feed

"...by the prints of the nails in His hand"

I get it...it's a song of thankfulness

For what You've done Jesus

And I thank You

But I don't think I'll need to search

To look at Your hands

To check

To make sure it's You

I suspect

I'll know You

Just by looking in Your eyes

Knowing that You know me

You, the only One who has known me completely

Loved me completely

I shall know You, 

And be eternally thankful

For how You have known me

And walked with me

Ever-loving

Ever-guiding

And all You've done for me

I shall know You

And I shall love You

Wrecked

Wrecked
Again

By a vision that wasn't mine

It was theirs

They were supposed to do it
But now it falls to me
To carry
Until the time is right
Until the Lord parts the sea
Opens a way

Wrecked
Not just by that vision, their vision
But also by...the original one
How it pulls at my heart
How it embodies so many stories
So many hopes and dreams

And wrecked
By how "impossible" it all is

I submit myself, again Lord
To You
And an impossible dream
An impossible vision
That can never happen
Unless You enable
Unless You empower
Unless You provide the resources

And it will never produce fruit
Fruit that will last
Unless You breathe into it
Unless You give it life
Unless You are the one that directs
Unless Your wisdom leads all decisions

Lead Lord
And continue to "wreck" me in the process

This post started and felt Aug. 25...written Sept. 1

How long do I have?

How long do I have

How long will I live

People die all the time

Some young

Some old

Thinking I have a 'vision' that will take another 15 years

Is no guarantee

When I go

What will I leave

What will remain

What will keep living

Long after I have breathed my last

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground

   and dies...

May there be something

    much even

That lives on, and on, and on

Forever

Never dying

(rambling thoughts after seeing a news piece...someone dies at 49...just 4 years older than I...)

23?

Twenty-three

Is that how many You want us to take in?

Who are they?

Please bring them

We've already met most of them

Help us discern

And if we haven't met them yet

Bring them to us

Who are they?

Lord, let them be the ones

Who need healing

Who want to be free

Who are willing to receive

Who will grown

   learn

   become strong

And then be the ones

Who will be strong to help others

Who will be truly transformed

Only twenty-three?

Choose them well

For the future

Ones who will invest their talents

And reap great reward

Who will return the "much" that you require of them

Because You will give them much

Discipline... I need...

I read this, a week or two ago...it is convicting. It tells the truth of my life, and something that is lacking.

When we begin to ask what the conditions of inner renewal are, we receive essentially the same answers from nearly all of those whom we have most reason to respect. One major answer is the emphasis upon discipline. In the conduct of one's own life it is soon obvious, as many have learned the hard way, that empty freedom is a snare and delusion. In following what comes naturally or easily, life simply ends in confusion, and in consequent disaster. Without the discipline of time, we spoil the next day the night before, and without the discipline of prayer, we are likely to end by having practically no experience of the divine-human encounter. However compassionate we may be with others, we dare not be soft or indulgent with ourselves. Excellence comes at a price, and one of the major prices is that of inner control.

We have not advanced very far in our spiritual lives if we have not encountered the basic paradox of freedom, to the effect that we are most free when we are bound. But not just any way of being bound will suffice; what matters is the character of our binding. The one who would like to be an athlete, but who is unwilling to discipline his body by regular exercise and by abstinence, is not free to excel on the fields or the track. His failure to train rigorously and to live abstemiously denies him the freedom to go over the bar at the desired height, or to run with the desired speed and endurance. With one concerted voice the giants of the devotional life apply the same principle to the whole of life with the dictum: Discipline is the price of freedom.

--from The New Man for Our Time by Elton Trueblood, quoted in A Guide to Prayer..., pp. 226-227.

A great way to "lose yourself"

Lose yourself in the joy of living God's love

--Jarrod McKenna

So much good could be said about this video. I first learned of it through this shorter clip--containing a powerful metaphor and illustration

But really, the FULL video--just over 34 minutes long, is really worth the watch.

Amazed, Thankful

What are you doing, God

Is this You speaking, somehow

into my life at this point

fanning into flame

this renewed hope

   renewed faith

   renewed trust

Is this You affirming

somehow reaching down to reassure

"yes, you do hear from Me.

yes, I am using you."

so that I will have courage

and faith

to go forward

in all those areas where I don't see a thing

but have only vague impressions

vague hopes

This is what I sense

and so I say, "Thank You"

Thank You for the reassurance

Thank You for the affirmation

Thank You for blowing me away once again

Thank You 

for moving my heart for the kids

for showing the place of connection

for giving words, to me

that connected with what You are doing, in them

leaving us all clear, that this is it

this is the crucial point, 

for their going forward

for their growth

BTW, 

You're blowing me away again, You know 

that You would use me 

in their lives

it's like Naaman's servant girl

or Balam's donkey

but I'll take it

deep down

it's what I want most of all

my life used by You

participating in Your great purposes

may I be yielded

and hearing

more and more

do it, Lord

Your good thing

far beyond anything

I could ask or imagine

Tears...

Tears come
My heart is hit
My heart breaks
For the kids I know
But barely know
And are leaving soon

My heart is overwhelmed at the mystery
The sense of being used in their lives

My heart breaks
Tears flow
And I'm thankful
Because these tears tell me
That I am alive
Even though exhausted
And could feel 'dead'
They assure me

My heart is still alive
  it can be touched
    it can be moved
      it cares
About things that are important

A time for tears

Lots of tears...

Tears at the wonder

   of what you might be doing

Tears at the immensity of the task

   and asking you for help

      please send help

      who will you send?

Tears for the pain

   here

   and all over the world

When I come

When I stop
When I come
When I finally pull away
From all that distracts

And
    finally
        get quiet

Then I weep

Is that why I don't come?
Is that why I stay distracted?
Is there something
    deep down
        not resolved
            that keeps me running?

What is it Lord?
Here I am
I'm trying to come today
    and stay
        not run

I wonder what you might say
I wonder if there will be more
    than tears

I wonder if you might reveal
and give strength

How I need you to change my heart
    make it new
Make it one that leans into  you
That wants to do
    all that is good

For now
Please help me to come
    each day
Keep coming
    keep shutting down the distractions
That I might hear you
    and gain perspective
And know again
    what is real
    what is not

Daily Dying...

Jesus, you ask me to die to self
To die daily
And I don't want to
So I don't

Actually, I forgot that you asked
I heard it, and did it...before
But...got out of the habit
And find
I don't want to...anymore

Actually
(another 'actually')
You didn't "ask"
You required
It's not optional

    for God bought you with a high price. 
    So you must honor God with your body (I Cor. 6:20)

Forgive me Lord
Help me to turn
To live new
Create in me a new heart
One the values what You do
That lives for the eternal
That willing lays itself down

What will I lose...

What will I lose
if I go through this day
(and maybe the next one too)
without stopping
coming
sitting at Your feet
pausing to look
listen
share

Do I really believe
that what You are doing in this world
and in me
is more important than anything else

If it is
then the risk I take
in not coming
is of living
   wasted
   and frustrated
fighting against the wind
engaged in battles that will win nothing I want

I could miss
what You want to say to me today
You, who know all that will happen,
perhaps You have something to say
that I need to know
before I get into it
perhaps You have guidance
to help me navigate better
perhaps You just want to help me be rooted in You
so that no matter what happens
I'm not shaken

How many times do I live 
   agitated
   frustrated
   confused
because I am lacking the perspective and insight and fortitude
You had been all ready to give me

And I will be lost
drifting without an anchor
scattered
fractured
stressing and agitated in every direction
unless I come
and drink 
and learn
from You
that which will calm me
center me

What will I lose
what do I lose
time and again

When will I learn
and choose 
to turn
to come
to sit
still
and listen

By what I gain
I will start to know
the measure I would have lost
had I not come
and gain 
much I do not want to lose

Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Sad... and okay

A sadness envelops
At the close of this day
A sadness that is yearning
And processing
And grieving

I've been crying today for the guys
And thankful to have facilitated (Your guiding I think)
A safe place to share
And cry
All of them said
They had never shared like that before
"Didn't know where to find someone to tell," said one

Tears...
Such a valuable part of my journey
And they've been told
Sharing, and tears
Make you weak
How are they so quick to believe us?
Or, maybe they're just okay recognizing they ARE weak
We all are

And I'm crying for other things
So many other things...
It's just how it feels today
And that's okay

I cry before You
And You are here
And if I stop
If I stay
I might actually even feel You here

.....

Related...an excellent article read this week: Quit Burying Your Emptiness in Noise and Activity

From the article:
The silence we need is more than an absence of sound; it’s a break from constant stimulus and activity. It’s about allowing the tangled cords in our spirit and mind to unravel and be stilled. It’s about stopping the constant need to control our surroundings with our actions and words in a never-ending quest to drown out the unrest in our hearts. It’s about facing the dragon of emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger, hurt, and need head on . . . and doing the soul-wrenching work of letting
Jesus deal with it.

Thirsty--Psalm 84

So...
Those who long
Those who are "thirsty"

Want to just hang out with You
Sit in Your "house,"  never leaving?
I could handle that

But then it also means something else
The thirst seems to be more about journeying
Forever wanting to journey to where You are
And on this journey
This thirst, this hope
Gives them strength

And thirst
Somehow becomes trust
And Your favour comes to these ones...

Does this song...that I came to love at Christmas time...fit here?
Maybe just the two lines
   for all who wait
   for all who hunger...

Thirsty

What does it mean to be "thirsty for God" (the theme for this week's prayer times) ?
I have thought many things

Am I thirsty?
Sometimes it seems I am
But there are days I can spend so little time in conversation with God
And so much time in conversation with others--non-essential conversation

How can I become more thirsty?
Is there a way to cultivate thirst?
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
"Yes, but you can salt his oats."

What would make me more thirsty for you?
Then I think of how friendships work
The more I spend time with someone, the more I want to spend time with them.
How do I just get spending time?

In some ways I am
And I keep coming back
Please keep drawing me back

Remembering who You are helps make me thirsty
I spent hours on a bus one day
I asked You to help make it a day becoming more thirsty for You
For You to bring me back

And as I turned toward You
(and got some good rest before that too!)
You opened my eyes
You helped me to see
Many thoughts came and went
Living in Your presence
An enjoyable day

I listened to many songs that day
It was my "faithful" playlist
And as I was reminded about who You are
Who I know You are
I sensed my heart-thirst growing

Yep, maybe this is how it's done
In simple little ways
Continuing to turn to You
Turn back to You
Spend time with You
Respond to the thoughts and ideas that come to mind
Spend time talking with you about them

Lord, please continue to cultivate this thirst in me...

How does hope come?

I don't know
I wish I did
I know that on that darkest day a week and a half ago
I cried out, "Don't let Satan win"
And I made it through

I know that I have cried out for help
As I knew I was heading back for more challenge
With no answers evident
And I've cried out again and again
As I see time for decisions looming
Tears finally breaking
The late-night tension

Sometimes I feel
A certain buoyancy has come
Is it because I'm not in it right now?
No urgent deadlines
No one to give answers to
...yet

I wish I knew how hope comes
I wish I knew how to bolster it
Higher and higher so that all is joy
And there is no fear or anxiety

Maybe hope is a little like strength
You give enough
And sometimes it doesn't feel like enough
But I make it
So it was

I wonder what a journey is
I wonder what it all looks like from Your end
Me, here...
Trying to figure out how to live

On one hand I sense an invitation to more boldly live
The me that I am
    Make the decisions
    Point out the problems
    Call the situation
    Suggest a path
Because You've asked me to do this
And maybe there's a reason
You asked me and not somebody else

And yet this me
    Stumbles
    Hurts others
    Finds my best intentions misunderstood
I'm at a loss in how to live
I want to
    Run
    Back away
    Withdraw
    Hide
My engaging as me
Only brings pain
 
With all these problems
Comes another invitation
To humble myself
Learn
Grow

I don't know how to live
Hope comes and goes
I pray that there will
always
    be
       enough

For now, it seems to be growing
For that, I am thankful

I trust there will be enough
And maybe that is the key
My hope is in You
Not in a feeling of hope

Alone

Alone

You are here
You are always here
But I walk alone

And I feel the alone
Deeper than I feel the with You

Drawn

What is this You have done to me?
Done in me?
Tied me in
Roped
Drawn
While I wonder how I can go on
While I feel the pain of the journey
The aloneness
The struggle of not knowing
The pain
And yet
When you ask again,
"Whom shall I send?"
"Who will go for us?"
I find myself weeping again.
And willingly saying,
"Here am I. Send me"
And there is no resisting these ropes
The "chains" are not what holds me

Jan. 26, 2015

Cross or easy yoke? (part 1)

Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?

(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)