A grief coming on
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to
My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all
It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in
I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.
God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading
Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us
And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness
The song that makes me weep...
What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I
first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each
of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there
was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard
singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb
or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what
they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
Here I am, Lord,
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
The pull, the choice...
Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Strength Comes
Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Keep reaching up (Talking to Trees)
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up
If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward
We need to talk... I need to hear
We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening
But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
newer way
or deeper level
of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change
Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
and hope
for this next season
for today
We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
seek his presence continually!
I. Chr. 16:11, ESV
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my
trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Ps. 143:8, NIV
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
