I was so happy to see her today. I've missed her. I was gone for two months, but now, back for more than one month, I still hadn't seen her, and was a little concerned...until today.
I was talking to the boy, trying to get a response, trying to care, and suddenly she was there. She had left her bamboo pole with boxes of chickens tied to either end and came running over to greet me. I was so glad to see her.
And she looked good--a shorter hair cut, she's coloured it too--some highlights. And clothes--dressed quite modern, and attractive. Was that her doing, or is someone taking care of her? I still need to get out to her home sometime, meet her family, find out what goes on, if anything is needed.
She made me laugh again today. Out of the blue she says funny stuff. As she was bubbling along about her plans, wanting me to come visit--either her place, or this place that is being built high up on a hill (true or not, I have no clue), she said, "Give me your phone number and I'll give you a call." I asked, "Do you have a phone?" "I'll buy one and call you," she quickly replied. Funny. I burst out laughing. (And I remember the other times she's made me laugh--eating a sausage stick, "It tastes like dog." "Do you like dog?" I ask. "I've never had dog," is her response. Go figure! Then, noticing the other ladies dressed so nice--they were dressed nice, and we weren't, because "they have boyfriends," and we didn't--I guess boyfriends buy you nice clothes.)
I'm somewhat amazed at what I feel for this woman. I think it is how You feel--Your love for this woman, Your enjoyment of her, even though she is...how can I even say? She is who she is. Yeah, sometimes she doesn't make sense. Sometimes she rants on and on. I don't know what the issues were that initiated the fights I've seen her in, or seen the results of. Perhaps it was mostly the other person's impatience when she wouldn't cooperate with their situation. And, she can be annoying, she can come and inconvenience your plans--I've had that happen too. I have no clue which parts of what she says are true, which are false--that her husband died and that her children are not with her, yes, I believe that part is true. The rest...I don't know.
But I love this woman. I consider her a friend. When I don't see her for a while, I wonder how she's doing, look for her, pray for her.
Funny how she spouts off about You sometimes too. Sometimes it is crazy stuff. Sometimes there are bits of truth. Today she said she asks You to help her plant the corn, help it grow.
And I ask You to continue to help her mind, help her stay calm, or...protect her when she isn't. When she's struggling, please provide her with people who will care and understand. And Lord, if there's anything else You want me to do, please show me.
the crash
I kind of expected this to happen ... eventually. I came back all brave, determined to trust, to learn to trust. I still am--determined to trust, to learn to trust.
But I know it will be a huge and long process.
Life was already more than I can handle--the centre--running understaffed for too long, me behind in so many things, and with this tendency to get overwhelmed... and now to take on this new and bigger dream?
I knew I would need help, a few people to "tell me what to do." Actually, the thought that keeps coming to mind is they will need to "talk me down, talk me through."
And You provided them--two for sure, maybe three or four. Problem is, they are still waiting for me to organize how we will do this.
And there are others possibly able to help:
All the different categories, each with multiple facets, roaming around in my head. I make starts at organizing, can't focus, the tension becomes too great, and I run--run to distractions that are much more interesting. When I get to work--I can have a productive hour or two, then--no brain to go forward. How much is physical, emotional, spiritual?
Two days ago, I finally crashed. I was at the end. I didn't know what to do.
Over a period of time, the various thoughts were....
God, why did you pick me for this?
Pick someone else
Send someone else
Isn't there someone that could do a better job?
Oh, I'm happy to do it, and I want to.
It's just going to take a long time, for this shaping that has to happen in me.
In order to do the work I'm going to need to do.
It's not the most efficient way, God.
And then I felt sorry for God--must be pretty desperate.
Lacking good raw materials are we? And so You picked this one?
But then I realized, and I've known all along actually
Your ways, are not mine...You don't mind doing things totally different
What your plan might be for refining me, for growing me
There might be something quite glorious that results
But, oh, it is going to take a long time.
Then...thankfulness
Thank You Lord, for Your willingness to put so much effort into me
With how much there is to do, how stumbling and fallen and falling
And yet YOU... are committed to ME
You don't throw me away, or give up in frustration
Thank You!
And then, remembering some of the things I freshly discovered last year in the journey
the "journey to the cross" section:
Oh Jesus, I am SO GLAD You are not like me!
I so glad You didn't balk and run like I do.
I'm glad You faithfully followed through.
Oh Jesus, teach me, somehow to be like You
Oh, I know You are
I know You will
That's it...the story of a crash.
I survived.
I will survive.
And learn...much.
But I know it will be a huge and long process.
Life was already more than I can handle--the centre--running understaffed for too long, me behind in so many things, and with this tendency to get overwhelmed... and now to take on this new and bigger dream?
I knew I would need help, a few people to "tell me what to do." Actually, the thought that keeps coming to mind is they will need to "talk me down, talk me through."
And You provided them--two for sure, maybe three or four. Problem is, they are still waiting for me to organize how we will do this.
And there are others possibly able to help:
- Folks to help for the summer--some folks are willing, just waiting for me to tell them the dates and times.
- And there are possible people to help with the "new" (exists only in the imagination) guys' summer camp--waiting for me to contact them--again, dates and times--but I don't know--how do I decide? Who should I talk to first? What age? When? What?
All the different categories, each with multiple facets, roaming around in my head. I make starts at organizing, can't focus, the tension becomes too great, and I run--run to distractions that are much more interesting. When I get to work--I can have a productive hour or two, then--no brain to go forward. How much is physical, emotional, spiritual?
Two days ago, I finally crashed. I was at the end. I didn't know what to do.
Over a period of time, the various thoughts were....
God, why did you pick me for this?
Pick someone else
Send someone else
Isn't there someone that could do a better job?
Oh, I'm happy to do it, and I want to.
It's just going to take a long time, for this shaping that has to happen in me.
In order to do the work I'm going to need to do.
It's not the most efficient way, God.
And then I felt sorry for God--must be pretty desperate.
Lacking good raw materials are we? And so You picked this one?
But then I realized, and I've known all along actually
Your ways, are not mine...You don't mind doing things totally different
What your plan might be for refining me, for growing me
There might be something quite glorious that results
But, oh, it is going to take a long time.
Then...thankfulness
Thank You Lord, for Your willingness to put so much effort into me
With how much there is to do, how stumbling and fallen and falling
And yet YOU... are committed to ME
You don't throw me away, or give up in frustration
Thank You!
And then, remembering some of the things I freshly discovered last year in the journey
the "journey to the cross" section:
Oh Jesus, I am SO GLAD You are not like me!
I so glad You didn't balk and run like I do.
I'm glad You faithfully followed through.
Oh Jesus, teach me, somehow to be like You
Oh, I know You are
I know You will
That's it...the story of a crash.
I survived.
I will survive.
And learn...much.
I Jumped
There's a saying I LOVE to emphasize with our girls when it comes up in a teaching in their summer program: 不知深浅，切勿下水. "If you don't know how deep it is, for sure do NOT jump into the water." It's smart. Good advice, right? It works for water, especially diving, and it works for relationships, especially of the romantic sort. If you don't know the guy, don't know his character, "Don't jump!" If you don't know what it takes to have a good relationship, don't know how to recognize a good one, don't know what the dangers are, haven't worked through your own healing--"Don't jump!"
And it's also good for life. Don't jump into a business contract, don't take out a loan, don't take a job, don't start a program, without knowing what is involved. Ah, Christians might be more familiar with the concept of "counting the cost" and the example Jesus gave--building, or waging war, first "count the cost."
Nearly two decades ago, as I was preparing to move overseas, someone, in a sermon, mentioned "count the cost," or "measure the depth, before you jump." And I tried, really, I did. But I also realized--there was so much I couldn't know. I counted and was prepared for the costs I knew about, but for that I did not know, all I could do was trust that the God who was leading me, would be with me into the future. He'd have to take care of it, because, I'm just not that smart.
And with me He has been.
But now, I realized, I've jumped again. I've jumped without knowing "how deep" it is. I've started without knowing fully what the cost will be.
Oh, and I do know now how "costs" can mount, and demand more time and energy than I could have imagined. And while it is all great and fun, and I really would love to spend lots of time there, I already have many duties I am not responsibly fulfilling, and there is a danger I could get all busy and fool myself into thinking it's all good, but I'm ignoring some important other things.
God, help me to be faithful to what you have called me to, to all that you have called me to. This daily cross, this daily dying to self in learning to properly steward my time and energy is not over. In fact, the demand will become so much greater.
I sensed You leading me to do something about the homeless, but I have no idea what to do. I just have some money that I sensed You wanted me to put toward that, helping who I can, as I saw them. Then, I saw the boy...felt you led me to notice. And I prayed. And finally I met him. I don't know how on earth or when the idea came to get the kids involved, but I did. I invited them to do what they can, to not just turn away because it's hard or awkward. And they heard. Some of them, at least, are trying to reach out. Maybe one of them will be able to befriend him, and others. Maybe we'll be able to find a way to provide some better living arrangements, showers, food and clothing. I don't know where this will go. I...don't know how we'll have time for this.
I sensed You wanted me to.
I don't know how to count the cost.
I don't want the cost, the regret, of not following, not obeying.
I don't know how it will work out.
But I jumped.
And it's also good for life. Don't jump into a business contract, don't take out a loan, don't take a job, don't start a program, without knowing what is involved. Ah, Christians might be more familiar with the concept of "counting the cost" and the example Jesus gave--building, or waging war, first "count the cost."
Nearly two decades ago, as I was preparing to move overseas, someone, in a sermon, mentioned "count the cost," or "measure the depth, before you jump." And I tried, really, I did. But I also realized--there was so much I couldn't know. I counted and was prepared for the costs I knew about, but for that I did not know, all I could do was trust that the God who was leading me, would be with me into the future. He'd have to take care of it, because, I'm just not that smart.
And with me He has been.
But now, I realized, I've jumped again. I've jumped without knowing "how deep" it is. I've started without knowing fully what the cost will be.
Oh, and I do know now how "costs" can mount, and demand more time and energy than I could have imagined. And while it is all great and fun, and I really would love to spend lots of time there, I already have many duties I am not responsibly fulfilling, and there is a danger I could get all busy and fool myself into thinking it's all good, but I'm ignoring some important other things.
God, help me to be faithful to what you have called me to, to all that you have called me to. This daily cross, this daily dying to self in learning to properly steward my time and energy is not over. In fact, the demand will become so much greater.
I sensed You leading me to do something about the homeless, but I have no idea what to do. I just have some money that I sensed You wanted me to put toward that, helping who I can, as I saw them. Then, I saw the boy...felt you led me to notice. And I prayed. And finally I met him. I don't know how on earth or when the idea came to get the kids involved, but I did. I invited them to do what they can, to not just turn away because it's hard or awkward. And they heard. Some of them, at least, are trying to reach out. Maybe one of them will be able to befriend him, and others. Maybe we'll be able to find a way to provide some better living arrangements, showers, food and clothing. I don't know where this will go. I...don't know how we'll have time for this.
I sensed You wanted me to.
I don't know how to count the cost.
I don't want the cost, the regret, of not following, not obeying.
I don't know how it will work out.
But I jumped.
No "pretty" cross
I wanted something to help me focus, to remember. All of the crosses for sale...many were so beautiful. I'd seen a room done, the ironwork on the crosses--beautiful, and altogether it created a peaceful and meditative atmosphere. There is a time and a place for that.
But I decided, I didn't want to buy a pretty cross. I need, somehow, to have a cross that reminds me, that calls me, to suffer, to die.
Oh, the one I chose is still much prettier than the real thing. There are no nails. There is no blood... It is simple, small and black...it can sit in front of me.
Truth be told...I'd much prefer a pretty cross.
Even as I sit here, thinking of how I run from "my cross," I had the thought..."hmm...maybe I need to move that to front and center on my table." I was thinking that might help me meditate on it more.
NO, I don't need to meditate on it! Even my not-so-pretty cross, is only meant to remind me to DO what He said to do. Jesus said to take up the cross and follow Him...I'd much rather look at it, analyze it, ponder it, think about how it's hard, write a blog post about it. I'd rather do all of these things than actually pick up mine and carry it.
But I need to pick it up.
The problem with me, is I want to choose my cross. I want to choose my death.
There are some that are much nicer than others.
But it is the one before me that is mine to carry.
Anyone who doesn't pick it up, is not worthy of Him.
I need no pretty cross.
I probably don't even need this one.
I DO need to learn to pick up my cross, to die daily.
But I decided, I didn't want to buy a pretty cross. I need, somehow, to have a cross that reminds me, that calls me, to suffer, to die.
Oh, the one I chose is still much prettier than the real thing. There are no nails. There is no blood... It is simple, small and black...it can sit in front of me.
Truth be told...I'd much prefer a pretty cross.
Even as I sit here, thinking of how I run from "my cross," I had the thought..."hmm...maybe I need to move that to front and center on my table." I was thinking that might help me meditate on it more.
NO, I don't need to meditate on it! Even my not-so-pretty cross, is only meant to remind me to DO what He said to do. Jesus said to take up the cross and follow Him...I'd much rather look at it, analyze it, ponder it, think about how it's hard, write a blog post about it. I'd rather do all of these things than actually pick up mine and carry it.
But I need to pick it up.
The problem with me, is I want to choose my cross. I want to choose my death.
There are some that are much nicer than others.
But it is the one before me that is mine to carry.
Anyone who doesn't pick it up, is not worthy of Him.
I need no pretty cross.
I probably don't even need this one.
I DO need to learn to pick up my cross, to die daily.
How will I Repent?
In the article that showed up in my inbox yesterday, Ash Wednesday: Crossing the Threshold into Lent, Ruth Haley Barton says, "The real question of the Lenten season is, 'How will I repent and return
to God with all my heart?' This begs an even deeper question: 'Where
in my life have I gotten away from God, and what are the disciplines
that will enable me to find my way back?' "
Today I know where I have gotten away from God. It's in the invitation I heard, what I knew I would need to focus on as I was coming back. It's in the verse that has been "sent" to me several times this week--a thought I had, then a text message with the verse in it. The comments of a friend's email made me think it again. Then in Andy Stanley "Breathe" Series message I heard again yesterday.
And I ... have been frittering away my time.
I have not been spending time where I should.
I even had some clearly laid out priorities today.
I did not do them.
These thoughts
And another read through that article
And a read through the Scripture passages
Joel 2:1-2, 12-17,
Isaiah 58:1-12;
Psalm 51:1-17;
2 Corinthians 5:20b-6:10;
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21
I'm convicted...
How will I repent?
Matt. 6 makes it clear--whatever I do--it needs to be "in my closet," not for others to see, not here in a blog post. Just before my Father in heaven, the compassionate One.
How will I repent?
Today I know where I have gotten away from God. It's in the invitation I heard, what I knew I would need to focus on as I was coming back. It's in the verse that has been "sent" to me several times this week--a thought I had, then a text message with the verse in it. The comments of a friend's email made me think it again. Then in Andy Stanley "Breathe" Series message I heard again yesterday.
Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Ps. 90:12, NIV
And I ... have been frittering away my time.
I have not been spending time where I should.
I even had some clearly laid out priorities today.
I did not do them.
These thoughts
And another read through that article
And a read through the Scripture passages
Joel 2:1-2, 12-17,
Isaiah 58:1-12;
Psalm 51:1-17;
2 Corinthians 5:20b-6:10;
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21
I'm convicted...
How will I repent?
Matt. 6 makes it clear--whatever I do--it needs to be "in my closet," not for others to see, not here in a blog post. Just before my Father in heaven, the compassionate One.
How will I repent?
"Failure is an absolute, complete necessity."
I first heard this message during the live webcast in November 2013. Now it is available online. GOOD! I can listen again and again, and I post this now as a "note to self." These are some ideas gleaned from Craig Groeschel at the 2013 World Leader's Conference regarding "Leading Through the Fear of Failure."
"Failure is not an option, it's an absolute complete necessity because when you've stopped failing you've stopped taking risks, and you will stop growing and you will stop taking ground."
The paradox of the fear of failure: "The fear of failure drives you to stop taking risks, but not taking risks ultimately leads to failure."
In spiritual terms: "To lead without faith, it's impossible to please God. If I am so consumed with the fear of failure, that I will try to lead without faith, and without faith it's impossible to please God."
In the parable of the talents, the one who buried his, effectively said, "I was afraid, so I didn't take the risk."
"The path to your greatest potential is often straight through your greatest fear."
4 Principles:
"I pray you fail. I pray you fail often. I pray you fail big. I pray you learn. I pray you adjust. I pray you do what others believe cannot be done and that you succeed for the glory of God and His kingdom."
"Failure is not an option, it's an absolute complete necessity because when you've stopped failing you've stopped taking risks, and you will stop growing and you will stop taking ground."
The paradox of the fear of failure: "The fear of failure drives you to stop taking risks, but not taking risks ultimately leads to failure."
In spiritual terms: "To lead without faith, it's impossible to please God. If I am so consumed with the fear of failure, that I will try to lead without faith, and without faith it's impossible to please God."
In the parable of the talents, the one who buried his, effectively said, "I was afraid, so I didn't take the risk."
"The path to your greatest potential is often straight through your greatest fear."
4 Principles:
- We learn more through failing than through succeeding.
- "Never ever waste a failure!"
- "If you haven't failed recently you're playing it way too safe."
- "We could not know and do what we do today had we not learned from the mistakes that we made. Some people hesitate to try because ... it may not work, and sometimes it needs to not work so you can learn what would work the very next time."
- If you're not failing every now and then, you're playing it way too safe!
- When is the last time you failed?
- When is the last time you launched an idea?
- Ask this on annual reviews: Where did you fail this year?
- Create a culture of experimentation, trying new things.
- There might be something you failed at before and it's time to try it again.
- "The antidote to the fear of failure is not success, ...it's small doses of failure."
- When you do fail, and you're tempted to feel devastated...remember this...
- Don't personalize and internalize a failure, learn from it.
- Don't blame yourself for the declines, or one day you'll take credit for the increase.
- "A failure may be exactly what you need so that you can grow as the leader you're supposed to be."
- Shake it off... Step on up...
- If you're not dead, God's got more for you to do.
- You are not what you did...just shake it on off and step up.
- "I wonder how many people have a burden and could actually impact this world, but never ever try because they're afraid to fail. What are you supposed to do?" Peter...for a moment, walked on water, but you have to get out of the boat.
- Feel the fear and do it anyway.
- When I don't feel a little bit of that fear, that's when I get really afraid, because I've stopped leading aggressively and stopped believing and trying things that take faith.
"I pray you fail. I pray you fail often. I pray you fail big. I pray you learn. I pray you adjust. I pray you do what others believe cannot be done and that you succeed for the glory of God and His kingdom."
When I feel deeply...
When I feel deeply...
When I take the time to let myself feel deeply...
I cry.
I cry...a lot, it seems. I've sometimes wondered if it means I'm falling apart, or "losing it." But now I think, it's just me, and it's just the what happens to me when I feel deeply. When I feel sad (of course), I cry. When I feel...a sense of God being here, in the conversation, in the worship, deep truths coming to light in a conversation--yes, tears spring up then too. In my life, when I'm overwhelmed and feeling the depth and the weight of all that is before me--the importance of it, and the knowledge that I can't do it, but I must, and that I must come to God and wait for His slow revealing...I come to Him and the tears pour.
Feb. 13--I'm full of tears right now...so many thoughts, so deep. There is much to be thankful for--this renewing of life within me, this excitement that tells me I'm being renewed. I'm thankful for the words of wisdom I have received, and all the little tidbits of info I have gathered--one or two from each conversation--that need to gel, ferment, be digested and may become part of the big picture shape of what I am learning for this time, and what will be how I go forward.
And I feel deeply the paradox--the things learned, and the knowledge that I know so little. The knowledge that there are incredibly big things ahead, that I've been called to a huge task and that while utterly weak and unable, I am and will be fully equipped and able for the task.
I'm weepy today because I'm feeling a lot, and it's just a part of how I process, and there is a LOT to process. How can one heart contain all of this--all the people on two different sides of the world, this great hope, this great vision, all the plans and possibilities, and the hopes and dreams and yearnings, all the thankfulness for what has been and what may be.
No, my little heart, my little body, just can't contain it all, so it comes out as tears.. And as the tears fall, as I cry, life is watered, and I am alive and awakened to realities so far beyond me, in touch with my God, loved by Him, carried by Him.
Yep, that's what happens when I feel deeply. I cry.
Mar. 2--And I'm full of tears today for all I feel as I've come back. On the bus ride just over the border into the county, a car had just flipped over, completely upside down. There were some other cars around...were people helping...I didn't stop the bus and find out...I wonder what happened to those people. The next day, more info on a story--a class of grade 9 girls taken for junior high graduation physical exams, and it was found most (about 90%) had already been pregnant and had abortions. And today I cry especially for one of our guys, maybe already dropped out of school--he didn't show up for our beginning of term meeting last night. I think of him crying at night under the blankets, but trying to be strong, in a world without parents, trying to figure out life.
Tears...I need them. Without them I would have no way to process, to feel all the pain, and yet pick up again and be strengthened to stay in the pain. And stay in the pain I must--if I am to be a part of alleviating the pain, bringing His hope and healing, I must walk into the pain, feel it, share it with those around...and so I cry.
When I take the time to let myself feel deeply...
I cry.
I cry...a lot, it seems. I've sometimes wondered if it means I'm falling apart, or "losing it." But now I think, it's just me, and it's just the what happens to me when I feel deeply. When I feel sad (of course), I cry. When I feel...a sense of God being here, in the conversation, in the worship, deep truths coming to light in a conversation--yes, tears spring up then too. In my life, when I'm overwhelmed and feeling the depth and the weight of all that is before me--the importance of it, and the knowledge that I can't do it, but I must, and that I must come to God and wait for His slow revealing...I come to Him and the tears pour.
Feb. 13--I'm full of tears right now...so many thoughts, so deep. There is much to be thankful for--this renewing of life within me, this excitement that tells me I'm being renewed. I'm thankful for the words of wisdom I have received, and all the little tidbits of info I have gathered--one or two from each conversation--that need to gel, ferment, be digested and may become part of the big picture shape of what I am learning for this time, and what will be how I go forward.
And I feel deeply the paradox--the things learned, and the knowledge that I know so little. The knowledge that there are incredibly big things ahead, that I've been called to a huge task and that while utterly weak and unable, I am and will be fully equipped and able for the task.
I'm weepy today because I'm feeling a lot, and it's just a part of how I process, and there is a LOT to process. How can one heart contain all of this--all the people on two different sides of the world, this great hope, this great vision, all the plans and possibilities, and the hopes and dreams and yearnings, all the thankfulness for what has been and what may be.
No, my little heart, my little body, just can't contain it all, so it comes out as tears.. And as the tears fall, as I cry, life is watered, and I am alive and awakened to realities so far beyond me, in touch with my God, loved by Him, carried by Him.
Yep, that's what happens when I feel deeply. I cry.
Mar. 2--And I'm full of tears today for all I feel as I've come back. On the bus ride just over the border into the county, a car had just flipped over, completely upside down. There were some other cars around...were people helping...I didn't stop the bus and find out...I wonder what happened to those people. The next day, more info on a story--a class of grade 9 girls taken for junior high graduation physical exams, and it was found most (about 90%) had already been pregnant and had abortions. And today I cry especially for one of our guys, maybe already dropped out of school--he didn't show up for our beginning of term meeting last night. I think of him crying at night under the blankets, but trying to be strong, in a world without parents, trying to figure out life.
Tears...I need them. Without them I would have no way to process, to feel all the pain, and yet pick up again and be strengthened to stay in the pain. And stay in the pain I must--if I am to be a part of alleviating the pain, bringing His hope and healing, I must walk into the pain, feel it, share it with those around...and so I cry.
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