the crash

I kind of expected this to happen ... eventually. I came back all brave, determined to trust, to learn to trust. I still am--determined to trust, to learn to trust.

But I know it will be a huge and long process.

Life was already more than I can handle--the centre--running understaffed for too long, me behind in so many things, and with this tendency to get overwhelmed... and now to take on this new and bigger dream?

I knew I would need help, a few people to "tell me what to do." Actually, the thought that keeps coming to mind is they will need to "talk me down, talk me through."

And You provided them--two for sure, maybe three or four. Problem is, they are still waiting for me to organize how we will do this.

And there are others possibly able to help:
  • Folks to help for the summer--some folks are willing, just waiting for me to tell them the dates and times. 
  • And there are possible people to help with the "new" (exists only in the imagination) guys' summer camp--waiting for me to contact them--again, dates and times--but I don't know--how do I decide? Who should I talk to first? What age? When? What?
The problem is, there is so much to figure out before I can clearly go forward on any of this.

All the different categories, each with multiple facets, roaming around in my head. I make starts at organizing, can't focus, the tension becomes too great, and I run--run to distractions that are much more interesting. When I get to work--I can have a productive hour or two, then--no brain to go forward. How much is physical, emotional, spiritual?

Two days ago, I finally crashed. I was at the end. I didn't know what to do.
Over a period of time, the various thoughts were....

God, why did you pick me for this?
Pick someone else
Send someone else
Isn't there someone that could do a better job?
Oh, I'm happy to do it, and I want to.
It's just going to take a long time, for this shaping that has to happen in me.

In order to do the work I'm going to need to do.
It's not the most efficient way, God.

And then I felt sorry for God--must be pretty desperate.
Lacking good raw materials are we? And so You picked this one?
But then I realized, and I've known all along actually
Your ways, are not mine...You don't mind doing things totally different
What your plan might be for refining me, for growing me
There might be something quite glorious that results
But, oh, it is going to take a long time.

Thank You Lord, for Your willingness to put so much effort into me
With how much there is to do, how stumbling and fallen and falling
And yet YOU... are committed to ME
You don't throw me away, or give up in frustration
Thank You!

And then, remembering some of the things I freshly discovered last year in the journey
the "journey to the cross" section:
Oh Jesus, I am SO GLAD You are not like me!
I so glad You didn't balk and run like I do.
I'm glad You faithfully followed through. 

Oh Jesus, teach me, somehow to be like You
Oh, I know You are
I know You will 

That's it...the story of a crash.
I survived.
I will survive.
And learn...much.

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