Anything Shattered

How did I NOT know about this song before? This one got me today--bawled through it several times. Thank you Lord for a song that enables me to grieve, pour out my heart, and find a way to believe and trust again. 

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

(There are other versions--some where Todd Smith introduces, telling the about losing their baby...but that's another story (see his wife Angie's blog--Bring the Rain)--and another song "I Will Carry You")

Unredeemed    (by --Selah)

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope
We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But you never know the miracle the father has in store
Just watch and see
It will not be
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

All I can do...

Not quite sure what's going on with me these days.
Two weeks ago I was relieved when a friend on a call answered the "How are you?" with "I'm not really sure." Nice to not be the only one.

Something's not quite right with my heart.
Not sure why I can't seem to lay this stuff down.
Why do I get so frustrated and angry?
What am I holding on to?
What does it mean to love, to go on?

Yes...I've alluded to it above...I have an idea that what is wrong has to do with needing to learn to love (still), and forgiveness (again, still), and ... 

I'm trying.

I just don't know quite how.

I just don't quite know what to do.

Am I making things too complicated? Maybe, not trying to.
Am I making excuses? Maybe, I hope not.
Am I just resisting? I resist, then I lay it down. I really do not want a heart that harbours bitterness, unforgiveness.

There is a part of me that resists laying it all down because I really think there is something that they need to do, something they need to pay attention to.

But they are not listening. They don't want to know, or respond to my ideas.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. I hope I don't care most about being right.

So...I don't quite know where I am right now with this. And I don't quite know what I'm supposed to be doing with it all.

All I can do is keep bringing it all to Jesus. I keep coming. I keep asking. I keep trying to listen. I keep pondering His words: Abide in me. Abide in my love. To abide is to keep my commandments. My commandment is this: love one another. Love is patient, love is kind...it is not puffed up, it doesn't seek it's own will. Love comes from God.

I keep coming to Jesus. I keep coming to God. I keep coming and asking that He'd pour His love into my heart, and show me the way. I keep choosing to forgive. I keep choosing to learn how to love, to really love.

Jesus...

Quote of the Week

Dominique Voillaume never tried to impress anybody, never wondered if his life was useful or his witness meaningful. He never felt he had to do something great for God. He did keep a journal. It was found shortly after his death in the drawer of the nightstand by his bed. His last entry is one of the most astonishing things I have ever read: "All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that."

The Signature of Jesus, by Brennan Manning, p. 104

Lean Forward

Embrace the new, the future, the unknown. 

It's amazing how many times this theme has jumped out at me today...almost every blog I read, usually in the light of things not happening as planned.And it was in my thoughts...as I walked to our new location, the moving flatbeds soon coming behind me. 
 
And I wonder...God, what are You doing? 
You know me well...I don't much like transitions. I'd rather stay in the same place forever, but we moved today. I'd rather keep working with the same people and going longer and deeper, but in several arenas, that is changing too. I'd rather...that a lot of things didn't have to change, but they do, and I can drag my heals and resist and regret or lean forward and embrace the new.

God...I'm scared frankly.
It's hard to embrace the future and lean into the unknown, when so many wounds are still so fresh and bleeding. I'm not sure what's gone wrong, what I could or should have done different, or... 
 
I'm quite sure some of what I'm feeling is just an immature response, akin to pouting in the corner having a tantrum because it didn't go my way. Some of the problems are partly my own making...so "suck it up princess". 
 
Some of what I'm feeling, is also grief, at and over things that are not, things lost, regrets, "what if's". Cannot stay here forever, but going forward may take time. 

In the end, circumstances are what they are. And you are still God. You are still on the throne. You still care for me, and You call me to worship.   

And...there is some growth You want to see happen in my life...Oh, am I ever starting to see it--the smallness of my heart, the pettiness of my emotions and desires. Oh God, change me to be like You.  

Father, I'm coming to You, I keep falling down, but I'm crawling toward You. I will keep seeking. I will keep asking. I will keep listening. I will not harden my heart. I will worship. I will believe and trust in Your care. I will learn to live for Your purposes above my own.

Come, let us worship and bow down.

      Let us kneel before the Lord our maker,

    for he is our God.

   We are the people he watches over,

      the flock under his care.   

If only you would listen to his voice today!

 The Lord says, “Don’t harden your hearts as Israel did at Meribah...

   They are a people whose hearts turn away from me.

      They refuse to do what I tell them."

Ps. 95:6-10, NLT

It Wasn't Safe...

I'm still trying to figure out what happened last Sunday.

I didn't go to church, I couldn't...well, I could have, but...  I've never done that before. Not quite like that.

Yeah, that's the thing, I was thinking, if this was a work day, and there was a staff meeting (Believe me, there have been days, where there was a staff meeting, and I didn't want to go!!), I could have pulled myself together to be there. Why couldn't I pull myself together that day? 

Well, it's different than a staff meeting. In a staff meeting I can pull myself together and choose to focus on the purpose of our meeting. I may or may not need to acknowledge the emotional struggle inside, but I could go on.

But to church...and when feeling so hurt and disappointed by the others there...the PURPOSE of that time on Sunday...don't we bring ourselves honestly before God, worship Him, with others.  It didn't feel like an appropriate time to work it out with the people involved. And yet to keep it in would feel so false.  And, perhaps all the "working it out" that needed to happen was and is in my mind and heart... I was tired and exhausted. For the first time I realized that church didn't feel safe. So I sent a text that I wasn't coming--honest about the reasons--and stayed home and worked it out with God...and had a nap.

I love this description--that I saw today--a church that describes itself as "a safe place to struggle". Oh...I am so longing for a place like that these days. I am struggling, and not many places or people feel safe. I guess that's called "lonely" then too. 

Is it that there are no safe people? No...it just isn't okay to go and vent about the other people you're struggling with. I know, I need to first go and work it out with them. And I am and I have been trying and...sometimes I just don't know how! And I don't know how we got to this place in the first place...  There are some with whom I have shared the struggle recently, safe people--who let me vent, and listen, but not to take sides...they want me to do right too.

I struggle. Life is a struggle. Is it okay to struggle? Or do I need to pretend with you...pretend that everything is okay, that I'm okay, that...?

And...am I a safe place to struggle? Maybe sometimes, but sometimes not. I want to be. Lord, help me to be...

Wash the feet--of Judas?

You never once said anything against him
You never once called him out for his duplicity and hypocrisy
He was helping himself to the money all along
Why didn't you say anything?
I would

And you stooped to wash his feet
Knowing already what he would do

Ah God,
Jesus
Sometimes I simply don't want to follow You

I have no real Judas
Nothing so big
But I feel so betrayed
So hurt

And...do you want me to just go on
As if there is nothing?

Anger Alert!

"Have you had any extended conversations in your head (with someone else) lately?" That's just one of the questions Andy Stanley asks ("It Came From Within: The Hidden Chamber" message) following the "How's your heart?" question. This is simply one indicator of something not right in your heart.

So today...having conversations in my head again. And then the thought, "Anger alert!" 

Okay...once again. What is it that I think they owe me? List it out. Why am I angry? And then...what am I going to do about that debt? Holding out hope that things will change, that they will change something--hey chick, you're fooling yourself, keeping yourself bound! And, to be honest, it's not as simple as that. They are not the only one at fault.

The debt--the only way is to choose to cancel it. "You do not owe me anything, because I've cancelled the debt."

Release... again and again.

And be free.