I said I was going to spend time organizing today--all the piles of papers. It's become desperate actually--I MUST FIND my materials for prep this week.
But today was also "rest" day, and today's Bible reading was Exodus 33-36. I listened to the passage, and heard, among other things,
You must do no work on the Sabbath.
You must not kindle a fire.
I didn't really want to work anyway.
Cooking--I did some of that--baking actually. It is NOT my regular work, nor much a part of my regular life--rather relaxing. I did none of my regular work today. The organizing--that would have been very much related to my regular work.
And, I read a novel. Not too deep, yet not too light. Inspiring. People who choose to do right in the face of suffering and trial.
But I didn't do the organizing.
And I did not yet plan the week.
Was it laziness?
Or Sabbath?
Will it be okay.
I'm going to bed now.
With the work week not yet organized.
Many decisions are yet to be made.
There is a lot on this week.
Am I giving in to my natural tendency to procrastinate by not planning right now?
Or am I resting?
Father, help me to wake up tomorrow morning, and really dive in--to bring this all before You, gain Your wisdom and insight, and not shirk any of my responsibilities. I ask your blessing, as I learn to Sabbath, and learn to work.
Memories
Three years ago...
Tomorrow...two were getting married.
This year, tomorrow, I get to babysit their two-week-old, while they celebrate with a brief 3rd anniversary date--mom's first trip out of the house since the birth (guess that makes me the first babysitter!).
Then, that means today (or was it yesterday) is also the 3rd anniversary of a death. A child whose life could only have been saved by an early transplant or a miracle. Biliary atresia it is called. We watched her stomach swell, every other part wither, until she died. I called her mom today...glad to finally connect again after so long. Painful memories. The parents divorced after that--the marriage was already having problems.
It's also the anniversary of another life. About this time, 3 years ago, another baby was conceived, shortly after to be aborted. Some life and hope have followed on from this death. Yet, the pain lives on...
Memories.
2008.
What a year.
Many things happened. Yet in my mind and memory, just a very few events grew, became enormous, and eclipsed all others. I wonder what it might look like 10 years from now.
Tomorrow...two were getting married.
This year, tomorrow, I get to babysit their two-week-old, while they celebrate with a brief 3rd anniversary date--mom's first trip out of the house since the birth (guess that makes me the first babysitter!).
Then, that means today (or was it yesterday) is also the 3rd anniversary of a death. A child whose life could only have been saved by an early transplant or a miracle. Biliary atresia it is called. We watched her stomach swell, every other part wither, until she died. I called her mom today...glad to finally connect again after so long. Painful memories. The parents divorced after that--the marriage was already having problems.
It's also the anniversary of another life. About this time, 3 years ago, another baby was conceived, shortly after to be aborted. Some life and hope have followed on from this death. Yet, the pain lives on...
Memories.
2008.
What a year.
Many things happened. Yet in my mind and memory, just a very few events grew, became enormous, and eclipsed all others. I wonder what it might look like 10 years from now.
Settling...
It has been an incredibly challenging week--the joy, but huge time demands of a new baby in the house, and then the challenges of conflict with our downstairs neighbour...
As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again.
God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?
In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.
As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate... Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.
LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.
Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.
As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.
As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again.
God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?
In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.
As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate... Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.
LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.
Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.
As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.
Was that you God?
Was it from You, Lord, what came to my mind on Saturday night, then out of my mouth on Sunday morning? Almost prophetic even? I don't know. It didn't feel that strong at the time, but what happened later...
I was thinking..."we're going to have a baby in the house, well, what should it be?" (Actually they are going to have the baby, and in another month or two they will move out of my house...yes, yes, but that is beside the point). Boy? or Girl? What should it be? And then I thought. It should be a girl--that they might raise her different, and show this world--this society, their families--by the way they treat her, that girls are valuable, girls are precious. And that she, by the way she lives as a result of being properly loved and valued, might show a new way.
It was a good idea, I thought, so I told the mom the next morning (Sunday). After the telling, I back-tracked. I had no real certainty that it "should" or "would" be a girl. So I also said, "and if it's a boy, you must teach him, and not agree to the things the family will say" ...that he is valuable and your family is somehow better because he is a boy. (I'm always telling people what they should do, aren't I?)
I had no idea that she would think about it all day, that it would stir up something inside, raising awareness. Later that day she brought it up. "Both of us, are probably so much more affected than we know." Her mother tells her how she had hoped each one--she and her sisters--would be a boy, but they weren't. Her mom now, and his family, all hoping it's a boy.
And even apart from their own families, what happens all around in society all the time...the girls thrown away, given away, or just clearly treated as less than valuable.
Yes, my friends, you are probably much more affected by this than you realize. And...I know my thinking is affected sometimes too... (scares me really!)
As the father and I were waiting outside the delivery room (Monday night, Tuesday morning)...he told me his wife had shared these insights with him (can't remember if that was before or after we knew). We could see and were so thankful at God's provision in him getting back to town before the delivery. I could see he wanted the child God wanted to give--he was excited for a boy or a girl. Just 4 hours after he arrived back in town they were checking into the hospital, and around 2.5 hours after that, she arrived.
Beautiful, gorgeous, perfectly formed little girl. The first child I know of in this area to be born with both parents committed to raising her in His ways. What a privilege to hear her first cry, to be there as her parents got to meet her. And we talked more about how girls are valued far less. There I am...loving holding the baby, more and more amazed, "look at her little mouth, her tiny nose". The mom says, "Seeing you so excited about her emphasizes for me me she really is precious".
The phrase that keeps going through my head now: she will be mighty in the land.
Oh God, take this child and her parents--they are so willing to be shaped and changed--do something new, show the value of life, the value of babies, the value of girls. And...change things here LORD. The current reality is too painful, too sad.
Precious baby girl. Her name is translated Grace pours down. (Name chosen before birth...would also have been the name if she had been a boy.)
In just a few hours the relatives will come. What will they say? What will they think? Perhaps there will be many expressions of disappointment. I hope not. May they all receive her as joy and blessing. Open their eyes LORD, do something new.
(Later I discovered "their children will be mighty in the land" is from Ps. 112:2...it speaks more about her parents than her, and guides my prayers for all of them.)
I was thinking..."we're going to have a baby in the house, well, what should it be?" (Actually they are going to have the baby, and in another month or two they will move out of my house...yes, yes, but that is beside the point). Boy? or Girl? What should it be? And then I thought. It should be a girl--that they might raise her different, and show this world--this society, their families--by the way they treat her, that girls are valuable, girls are precious. And that she, by the way she lives as a result of being properly loved and valued, might show a new way.
It was a good idea, I thought, so I told the mom the next morning (Sunday). After the telling, I back-tracked. I had no real certainty that it "should" or "would" be a girl. So I also said, "and if it's a boy, you must teach him, and not agree to the things the family will say" ...that he is valuable and your family is somehow better because he is a boy. (I'm always telling people what they should do, aren't I?)
I had no idea that she would think about it all day, that it would stir up something inside, raising awareness. Later that day she brought it up. "Both of us, are probably so much more affected than we know." Her mother tells her how she had hoped each one--she and her sisters--would be a boy, but they weren't. Her mom now, and his family, all hoping it's a boy.
And even apart from their own families, what happens all around in society all the time...the girls thrown away, given away, or just clearly treated as less than valuable.
Yes, my friends, you are probably much more affected by this than you realize. And...I know my thinking is affected sometimes too... (scares me really!)
As the father and I were waiting outside the delivery room (Monday night, Tuesday morning)...he told me his wife had shared these insights with him (can't remember if that was before or after we knew). We could see and were so thankful at God's provision in him getting back to town before the delivery. I could see he wanted the child God wanted to give--he was excited for a boy or a girl. Just 4 hours after he arrived back in town they were checking into the hospital, and around 2.5 hours after that, she arrived.
Beautiful, gorgeous, perfectly formed little girl. The first child I know of in this area to be born with both parents committed to raising her in His ways. What a privilege to hear her first cry, to be there as her parents got to meet her. And we talked more about how girls are valued far less. There I am...loving holding the baby, more and more amazed, "look at her little mouth, her tiny nose". The mom says, "Seeing you so excited about her emphasizes for me me she really is precious".
The phrase that keeps going through my head now: she will be mighty in the land.
Oh God, take this child and her parents--they are so willing to be shaped and changed--do something new, show the value of life, the value of babies, the value of girls. And...change things here LORD. The current reality is too painful, too sad.
Precious baby girl. Her name is translated Grace pours down. (Name chosen before birth...would also have been the name if she had been a boy.)
In just a few hours the relatives will come. What will they say? What will they think? Perhaps there will be many expressions of disappointment. I hope not. May they all receive her as joy and blessing. Open their eyes LORD, do something new.
(Later I discovered "their children will be mighty in the land" is from Ps. 112:2...it speaks more about her parents than her, and guides my prayers for all of them.)
Close to You
Jesus, God
My Maker
My Home
I love You
Today, I just want to be close to You
To know You near
Your Presence is all I need
All I truly desire
My Maker
My Home
I love You
Today, I just want to be close to You
To know You near
Your Presence is all I need
All I truly desire
On Mother's Day
How appropriate--on Mother's Day this year, I was asking my mom the specific details of the birthing process. We discussed how to breath in the first stage, and she told me about panting in stage 2--oh, good, I didn't know that part! She told me some things that might be helpful, the kind of support needed when it comes to really pushing. We talked about what might be the best way to keep things clean if there is tearing. Yep, specific details.
I guess a lot of daughters ask their moms these questions when they are about to have a child. I'm one of the lucky ones though, who get to do what so many say they wish they could do--skip being a parent and have grandkids first. Yes, it's true, I get to be a "grandma". At least that's what the parents said. And as the daughter (student-sister-former colleague) stays in my home and, with her husband, anticipates the birth of her first (maybe only) child, I come closer to the process than I've ever been before.
Her husband does not get to be there for the delivery. In fact, the hospital says no one gets to be there. We're really hoping...that if I go along and show up, and ask to go in, they might just say "okay".
And if I get to be there, then I get to be coach. With no such thing as "pre-natal classes" she is totally dependant on what she has read in books and heard from friends for this process, and that is quite a bit. Her false labour last week was a good jolt for us all--suddenly realizing there were things for which we were not yet prepared. As she was thinking about checking into the hospital I whipped out Where There is No Doctor and started reviewing for myself, then asked her. "Do you know what the stages of labour are? What happens?" She knew. She didn't know about the deep breathing to control pain in stage 1. "Is this helpful? Should I read through this?" We went through the descriptions, how she might feel, a normal range of possibilities, what is not normal, when to push and when to wait.
Ah...we're going to have a baby in the house! How exciting! What joy!
We're going to have a baby in the house! How stressful! So many unknowns! How are we going to cope?
I guess a lot of daughters ask their moms these questions when they are about to have a child. I'm one of the lucky ones though, who get to do what so many say they wish they could do--skip being a parent and have grandkids first. Yes, it's true, I get to be a "grandma". At least that's what the parents said. And as the daughter (student-sister-former colleague) stays in my home and, with her husband, anticipates the birth of her first (maybe only) child, I come closer to the process than I've ever been before.
Her husband does not get to be there for the delivery. In fact, the hospital says no one gets to be there. We're really hoping...that if I go along and show up, and ask to go in, they might just say "okay".
And if I get to be there, then I get to be coach. With no such thing as "pre-natal classes" she is totally dependant on what she has read in books and heard from friends for this process, and that is quite a bit. Her false labour last week was a good jolt for us all--suddenly realizing there were things for which we were not yet prepared. As she was thinking about checking into the hospital I whipped out Where There is No Doctor and started reviewing for myself, then asked her. "Do you know what the stages of labour are? What happens?" She knew. She didn't know about the deep breathing to control pain in stage 1. "Is this helpful? Should I read through this?" We went through the descriptions, how she might feel, a normal range of possibilities, what is not normal, when to push and when to wait.
Ah...we're going to have a baby in the house! How exciting! What joy!
We're going to have a baby in the house! How stressful! So many unknowns! How are we going to cope?
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