What does faith look like?

I've been listening to a great series, his current series, on Faith & Doubt by Greg Boyd. Today I listened to one called Imagine. This message is about how to have faith in the midst of really hard things. He shared about their 25 year-old son, and his struggles, and their pain due to his autism. I, too, have wrestled with hard things, and wondered how to live in faith and joy in the face of them.

We can't fix the world, but we're not allowed to do hopeless.

So what DO we do? I've come to realize...I spend a lot of time trying to "fix" things. My goodness, my whole life is about trying to improve thigns in one way or another. However, I'm realizing...it can go too far. And some things don't seem to change.

So what does faith look like in the middle of an unfixable situation?

He mentioned the people that used to be idealistic. They are the ones that can get really bitter and cynical in the end. Or, perhaps now they are still really angry about the wrong in the world, the injustices--they are the ones who still think they can do something to fix it.

We can't fix it. We're not supposed to be the ones to fix it. WAIT!!  Everything in me ragese against that thought. What, are we supposed to give in to despair? Are we supposed to give up and walk away? 

And yet I have struggled, and asked many times in the past year, "Lord, what am I supposed to do with this pain?" There are things that I cannot change, although I wish I could and at times I have tried. 

In the message he takes us to another perspective...to remembering, and looking forward to the day when Christ will reign as victor over all these things, when there will be no more pain and tears. (Did I say I recommend this series?  Serious, take a listen!)

And in the meantime we live in faith. We still do what we can, but we're somehow released from having to "fix" things. And it still hurts.

God, ...help us to have the faith to go on, 
keep making whatever difference we can make, 
knowing we can't fix it. 

Why so angry?

I was so upset last night, and then again today. I could go there again now.
Scary.

I need to process. I need to get to the root of this, and figure out:  Why I am so angry?  And after I figure that out, I need to know what to do next.

A few weeks ago there was a free resource I downloaded from Christianity Today--on Word doc called Managing Conflict. I opened it up and started reading more of it last night, and then more just now. One article by Bill Hybels is particularly helpful and insightful. I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground.

Yes, this anger has to do with something between me and another person. So many streams of events, so much that has impacted where things are now. And I'm surprised at the intensity of emotion inside of me.

As Hybels talks about being emotionally healthy, I can't help but ask myself, "Am I ... emotionally healthy?" Scary to ask. Scary to consider a negative answer--especially as I spend my whole life supposedly helping others walk towards being 'healthy'.

Yet, I am finding, there is always room to go deeper. And, I have been suprised in recent years to see that in certain parts of my life, I am pretty messed up. In this situation, there are some emotions inside, and some thoughts--when I stand apart and look, I have to say, "Wow, that's a pretty immature response." And I see other things too--like pride and arrogance. I recognize that sometimes I would rather hide, or defend and accuse, than humble myself. And sometimes I just want to walk away.

I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground. It's hopeful, motivating. There is a type of person I want to be, want to become, but sometimes I face the true cost and am tempted to back away.

So...here, I have started to process. Much more is needed.

Lord, please lead me, and grow me--I need to be an emotionally healthy person. What do I need to face? What do I need to work through? What is my baggage--especially the stuff not yet discovered? And in this situation, please lead--may I be a person who works hard for community, and reconciliation. May my heart be filled with your love. May I learn and practise the skills to work well with others.

Fight to joy

If there is going to be joy today, I am going to have to fight for it. 

"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O LORD, I lift up my soul."

--Ps. 86:4

This verse was in the prayer book this morning. "Give me joy, Lord,"--that's what I hear David saying.

And that's what I'm saying.

The burdens--what are they even? Weariness--physical and emotional exhuastion. Relationship issues--not real 'conflict' or anything that tangible and specific that can be 'resolved', but just feeling the hurt of where things are not. Then there are the feelings of frustration--that I haven't got it together yet, and don't know how to. I am behind in so many things. The piles are seriously growing to almost out of control. Is the path we are currently planning for this term one that will help reduce the piles in the future, or is it just more craziness and frustration ahead? Should I put the brakes on some of the plans--now, quick, before it is too late? But would that be just a reaction?  And, then...what would we actually DO?

And so...because of the way I feel...I don't feel joy.

But somehow I believe I should be able to find and live in joy. In spite of all this, there is a God who has not changed. His love and care for me is as real as ever. His promise to direct my paths and care for all that concerns me has not changed. His work in transforming me is still happening--there is hope all around. 

There can be joy, but I am going to have to fight for it. I am going to have to choose it. 

I choose, today, with whatever is left of it... to live in joy.

I have known God

I have known God
to really be the refuge He says He is
I know
I do not have to wait until I'm 'all together'
to find a welcome in His presence
In His presence
there is a true embrace
rest for the weary
I really can pour out my heart there
No matter what state it is in

I know God
to really be the refuge He says He is
So today...
At the end of a week 
where the burdens have been so very heavy
I come
And as I come
music helping me remember 
who He is
The tears must flow
It is safe here
I can be weak here
And I know
Here I will find hope
and strength
and love
to continue to carry or face
whatever may come

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge. 

         --Ps. 62:8

Not sure what love is

I'm not sure if I know what love is
Or... rather 
I'm not sure if I know how to love
Do I
Have I ever loved
Is love a feeling
It's easy to feel love for...
those who love me
those who return my acts of love or affection
those who are needy
those who seem to receive and grow and benefit from what I have done for them
those who are thankful

But anybody can "love" people in those categories
I find myself thinking
It kind of stinks that I'm supposed to keep loving now
Now with things the way they are
Here, now, is the test of my love

How do I know what is love, or how to love?

I suspect
...it has not much to do with how I feel 
(probably shouldn't expect some warm fuzzies at this point)
...maybe holding back from saying some things I want to say to cause pain--that is probably an act of love--this I can do
...maybe praying for the situation, even though it hurts like crap that I haven't been invited into it, yep...that is probably love

I thought I knew what love is
I thought I wanted to learn
Sometimes, I find I don't
But then again, I do
For there is this Love that draws me
That has taken over my life
I want to learn, be changed by, and give
That same sort of Love
Yet, as I enter the process
I start to learn
Just how high and long and deep and wide that love really is
Far higher than mine
and so I sink into His
and learn to live mine


--Reflections from January 2011