What is this You have done to me?
Done in me?
Tied me in
Roped
Drawn
While I wonder how I can go on
While I feel the pain of the journey
The aloneness
The struggle of not knowing
The pain
And yet
When you ask again,
"Whom shall I send?"
"Who will go for us?"
I find myself weeping again.
And willingly saying,
"Here am I. Send me"
And there is no resisting these ropes
The "chains" are not what holds me
Jan. 26, 2015
Cross or easy yoke? (part 1)
Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?
(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?
(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)
Yearning
Today I wake
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache
A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent
I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care
But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache
A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent
I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care
But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid
To please You...
So, what would please You?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day
Not long ago I was thinking
I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?
Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?
I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?
It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good
Yesterday that question
Do you believe that God is pleased with you?
That He delights in you?
And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities?
Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day
Not long ago I was thinking
I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?
Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?
I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?
It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good
Yesterday that question
Do you believe that God is pleased with you?
That He delights in you?
And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities?
Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?
Bound
Wrestling
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness
How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action
You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless
Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do
Echoing in my head
Song lyrics:
Have you cursed at the wind
Have you cried to the heavens
Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand
I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...
Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness
How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action
You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless
Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do
Echoing in my head
Song lyrics:
Have you cursed at the wind
Have you cried to the heavens
Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand
I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...
Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom
Mercy's Rain
Where am I, Lord?
Only You know
I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in
I resonate with most of this:
Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee;
Thou only knowest what I need...
I simply present myself before thee,
I open my heart to thee.
Behold my needs which I know not myself.
Smite, or heal;
Depress me, or raise me up;
I adore all thy purposes without knowing them;
I am silent;
I offer myself in sacrifice;
I yield myself to thee;
I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will.
Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen
--Francois Fenelon
The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach
Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face
Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes
You know where I am
And that is enough
Only You know
I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in
I resonate with most of this:
Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee;
Thou only knowest what I need...
I simply present myself before thee,
I open my heart to thee.
Behold my needs which I know not myself.
Smite, or heal;
Depress me, or raise me up;
I adore all thy purposes without knowing them;
I am silent;
I offer myself in sacrifice;
I yield myself to thee;
I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will.
Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen
--Francois Fenelon
The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach
Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face
Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes
You know where I am
And that is enough
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