O Lord, who else or what else can I desire but you? You are my Lord, Lord of my heart, mind, and soul. You know me through and through. In and through you everything that is finds its origin and goal. You embrace all that exists and care for it with divine love and compassion. Why, then, do I keep expecting happiness and satisfaction outside of you? Why do I keep relating to you as one of my many relationships, instead of my only relationship, in which all other ones are grounded? Why do I keep looking for popularity, respect from others, success, acclaim, and sensual pleasures? Why, Lord, is it so hard for me to make you the only one? Why do I keep hesitating to surrender myself totally to you?
Help me, O Lord, to let my old self die, to let die the thousand big and small ways in which I am still building up my false self and trying to cling to my false desires. Let me be reborn in you and see through you the world in hte right way, so that all my actions, words, and thought can become a hymn of praise to you.
I need your loving grace to travel on this hard road that leads to the death of my old self and to a new life in and for you. I know and trust that this is the road to freedom.
Lord, dispel my mistrust and help me become a trusting friend. Amen.
--from A Cry for mercy by Henry J. M. Nouwen
found in: A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, p. 149
Here
That's all I am
Just here
Feeling it all
Feeling in all different directions
Thinking
Wondering
Wanting to stop thinking
So blessed
And so thankful
Hurting
Confused
Hoping
Seeking
Wanting...oh so wanting!
Clarity
Answers
Connection
To be touched
To be held
Oh...
Hold me Jesus
Feed me Jesus
Satisfy
This thirst
This hunger
This wandering
This restless seeking
This floundering
Some things...
Just hurt
"Hurts like crap!"
(Though what on earth crap "hurts" like, how would anyone know?)
And yet there has been such joy
Such satisfaction
Here
In the living
In the feeling
In the thinking
In my every day
Whatever it is
Here I am
And here You are
Loving me
Holding me
Guiding me
And I am held
I am safe
All's okay
Here
Just here
Feeling it all
Feeling in all different directions
Thinking
Wondering
Wanting to stop thinking
So blessed
And so thankful
Hurting
Confused
Hoping
Seeking
Wanting...oh so wanting!
Clarity
Answers
Connection
To be touched
To be held
Oh...
Hold me Jesus
Feed me Jesus
Satisfy
This thirst
This hunger
This wandering
This restless seeking
This floundering
Some things...
Just hurt
"Hurts like crap!"
(Though what on earth crap "hurts" like, how would anyone know?)
And yet there has been such joy
Such satisfaction
Here
In the living
In the feeling
In the thinking
In my every day
Whatever it is
Here I am
And here You are
Loving me
Holding me
Guiding me
And I am held
I am safe
All's okay
Here
Breaking Through
This song is on my "morning routine" play list--the one where I remind myself...
It's true. He is. There are so many things He's looking to do. As we lean into what He is leading us to do, He provides.
And He is doing it here, now, in this place, in my life, all around me. Step by step, plan by plan, He leads, He provides...because He wants to bless. He wants to pour out His love. He wants to redeem and restore. There is so much goodness He wants to share, so much love. There is so much healing He longs to bestow. And so He's doing it...bit by bit, working to pull it together.
Lord, forgive me for all the times I'm so slow to see, slow to remember, slow to believe. Thank you for reminding me today!
I come late...
Lent has now come to an end. Many people have found ways to learn and grow, turn and repent, walk with Jesus to the cross. Though I wrote a post at the beginning of Lent, though I was moved, challenged, felt convicted and thought I would move to change, actually, not much has changed. Now, maybe I'm "getting it" more. Now I'm more inclined to really make change. Yet with this track record...I'm not so sure.
I'm like Peter. Or Peter is like me. Or...I see a likeness, and so I see hope. It took him awhile to "get it" too. Maybe he thought he "got it" the first time--the time Jesus rebuked him (yeah, what a rebuke--when the Son of God calls you "Satan"--you've been told!), for disagreeing on the crucifixion plan. (Do you ever win, when you disagree with Jesus?) But he disagreed again--Jesus knew he would deny, knew he would walk away, but he...thought he knew himself better. And as Jesus faced the cross, he faced himself, and in the days that followed, lived out his repentance.
Forty days of Lent are over. I missed it. I missed out. Today many are remembering His death, and moving towards resurrection. For me, today brings a new opportunity, the blessing of a new spiritual practice, and a 40 day opportunity that can correspond. Today I begin my 40 days, thankful for renewed hope, grace and mercy, fresh starts.
From Aug. 30, 2013, Journey with Jesus--being Peter, told he would deny
You come gently
yet firmly
You demand I must see
two realities:
my sin
and Your unfailing love for me, regardless of my sin
I'm like Peter. Or Peter is like me. Or...I see a likeness, and so I see hope. It took him awhile to "get it" too. Maybe he thought he "got it" the first time--the time Jesus rebuked him (yeah, what a rebuke--when the Son of God calls you "Satan"--you've been told!), for disagreeing on the crucifixion plan. (Do you ever win, when you disagree with Jesus?) But he disagreed again--Jesus knew he would deny, knew he would walk away, but he...thought he knew himself better. And as Jesus faced the cross, he faced himself, and in the days that followed, lived out his repentance.
Forty days of Lent are over. I missed it. I missed out. Today many are remembering His death, and moving towards resurrection. For me, today brings a new opportunity, the blessing of a new spiritual practice, and a 40 day opportunity that can correspond. Today I begin my 40 days, thankful for renewed hope, grace and mercy, fresh starts.
From Aug. 30, 2013, Journey with Jesus--being Peter, told he would deny
You come gently
yet firmly
You demand I must see
two realities:
my sin
and Your unfailing love for me, regardless of my sin
Throwing away eggs...one at a time...
I'm having a terrible time with something, and I think I need to find a discipline that will work for me, that will cause me to feel it, and CHANGE.
My problem, I keep running from focus on my work, to other internet surfing, chatting, etc. It's not bad stuff, it's just not the most effective stuff, and it is definitely not the most key priorities that God has called me to. He has entrusted to me precious time, and I fritter it away, and I keep doing it.
In one of those teaching messages by Dallas Willard I referred to earlier (I think it was #9--about church communities), he gives an example of a man who said he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice in discussion with his son (and wife too maybe)...it just happened, and it would escalate. Willard said, "Yes you can," just decide that every time you raise your voice that way you donate $5,000.00 to your wife's favourite charity, and the next time it happens, raise it by another $5,000.00. (This guy was in a situation where he had the kind of funds to do that sort of thing.) The point being--if he did this, he would start to feel the impact, become more aware, and change can happen.
So, me...I was thinking, I could have a plan...every time I go online when I shouldn't I could add X number of dollars to a fund to donate to something. But, that would have a conflicting effect for me because, well, it's GOOD to give more away, so...yeah, "sin more and give more." No! That's not the point!
But here is what would work. I'm going to buy a flat of eggs. And every time I go online when I shouldn't, I'm going to go and smash one of those eggs and throw it down the toilet. I will have a really hard time doing that. (Do you know, after coming here, and knowing people are hungry, and don't have enough money for good nutrition--I can no longer even have, for example, relay races with eggs on spoons, or anything else that wastes food.) It will be hard, but I think I need to do it. Only then might I finally realize more deeply what I'm doing when I waste this time.
Ah, it's horrible how I do this. Some reading this might remember my car accident last year, and how I knew this was the same lesson God was trying to teach me--how much I waste, how much of the resources given I waste through negligence, how much time I waste. And still, it hasn't gotten in.
A new spiritual discipline: throwing away eggs.
My problem, I keep running from focus on my work, to other internet surfing, chatting, etc. It's not bad stuff, it's just not the most effective stuff, and it is definitely not the most key priorities that God has called me to. He has entrusted to me precious time, and I fritter it away, and I keep doing it.
In one of those teaching messages by Dallas Willard I referred to earlier (I think it was #9--about church communities), he gives an example of a man who said he couldn't stop himself from raising his voice in discussion with his son (and wife too maybe)...it just happened, and it would escalate. Willard said, "Yes you can," just decide that every time you raise your voice that way you donate $5,000.00 to your wife's favourite charity, and the next time it happens, raise it by another $5,000.00. (This guy was in a situation where he had the kind of funds to do that sort of thing.) The point being--if he did this, he would start to feel the impact, become more aware, and change can happen.
So, me...I was thinking, I could have a plan...every time I go online when I shouldn't I could add X number of dollars to a fund to donate to something. But, that would have a conflicting effect for me because, well, it's GOOD to give more away, so...yeah, "sin more and give more." No! That's not the point!
But here is what would work. I'm going to buy a flat of eggs. And every time I go online when I shouldn't, I'm going to go and smash one of those eggs and throw it down the toilet. I will have a really hard time doing that. (Do you know, after coming here, and knowing people are hungry, and don't have enough money for good nutrition--I can no longer even have, for example, relay races with eggs on spoons, or anything else that wastes food.) It will be hard, but I think I need to do it. Only then might I finally realize more deeply what I'm doing when I waste this time.
Ah, it's horrible how I do this. Some reading this might remember my car accident last year, and how I knew this was the same lesson God was trying to teach me--how much I waste, how much of the resources given I waste through negligence, how much time I waste. And still, it hasn't gotten in.
A new spiritual discipline: throwing away eggs.
To be a disciple, make disciples...
Am I a disciple?
Does what I teach, share and live before others others have a tendency to result in them being disciples?
For the first question: I thought I was, I thought I was intending to be one. And then I realized I really was NOT changing. In the end, I'm not sure I really knew what that meant. I say, "Dallas Willard saved my life," my Christian life, that is--about nine years ago, picked up his book The Divine Conspiracy, flipping through, felt hope...and that was a turning point in my life.
About the second question: I realized what I was taught growing up, was really way off, it ignored much of the teaching of Scripture, especially how to live life in the kingdom now. Definitely a "believe these things about Jesus and then you'll get to heaven when you die" "gospel" that was preached. A non-accurate "gospel." (By the way, in session 5 I believe, he talks about realizing some of the same things himself--when a young minister, realizing what he was teaching wasn't changing lives. He tells about the truths that "saved his faith.")
In the past couple of weeks I've been in discussion about this author/speaker/philosopher, and heard about this video series, I've been listening again, and loving it! His manner and explanations are so inviting, calling me to godliness and goodness.
I truly thank God for, in this time in history, leading this man, leading me to that book when I was crying out for help, and leading me into a new life.
It's a 12 part series--here is part 1. Enjoy!
Does what I teach, share and live before others others have a tendency to result in them being disciples?
For the first question: I thought I was, I thought I was intending to be one. And then I realized I really was NOT changing. In the end, I'm not sure I really knew what that meant. I say, "Dallas Willard saved my life," my Christian life, that is--about nine years ago, picked up his book The Divine Conspiracy, flipping through, felt hope...and that was a turning point in my life.
About the second question: I realized what I was taught growing up, was really way off, it ignored much of the teaching of Scripture, especially how to live life in the kingdom now. Definitely a "believe these things about Jesus and then you'll get to heaven when you die" "gospel" that was preached. A non-accurate "gospel." (By the way, in session 5 I believe, he talks about realizing some of the same things himself--when a young minister, realizing what he was teaching wasn't changing lives. He tells about the truths that "saved his faith.")
In the past couple of weeks I've been in discussion about this author/speaker/philosopher, and heard about this video series, I've been listening again, and loving it! His manner and explanations are so inviting, calling me to godliness and goodness.
I truly thank God for, in this time in history, leading this man, leading me to that book when I was crying out for help, and leading me into a new life.
It's a 12 part series--here is part 1. Enjoy!
Let this be my LIFE
4 The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom,
so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
and opens my understanding to his will.
5 The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
and I have listened.
I have not rebelled or turned away.
Isa. 50:4-5, NLT
so that I know how to comfort the weary.
Morning by morning he wakens me
and opens my understanding to his will.
5 The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me,
and I have listened.
I have not rebelled or turned away.
Isa. 50:4-5, NLT
Where?
This is what I was asking
Where am I today Lord
Who am I
And...where are You
Where have I gone
Where have I been
How did I get there
But really, most important
How do I get back
Back...to...
Connected
To You
"Lost" seems a good way to describe this feeling
Uncertain
Unsure
Have I so lost myself in my many distractions
That I've lost complete sight of You
Gone too far away to hear Your voice
To know Your whisper
What I need most is Your perspective on life
Your eyes to see
Your ears
Your heart
To know Your love for me
And Your instruction
To know "we're good"
But I can't tell
I can't hear
Still, there was this sense
I don't like this feeling
But after all this time
I still know
No matter how it feels
You are still carrying me
And...that's kind of nice
And then I remembered
Jesus, they were spitting on Your face
and there You were, loving them
Only someone with a love like that,
Can I trust to love me to the end
And then I read
Ps. 32:10-11 (NIV)
Where am I today Lord
Who am I
And...where are You
Where have I gone
Where have I been
How did I get there
But really, most important
How do I get back
Back...to...
Connected
To You
"Lost" seems a good way to describe this feeling
Uncertain
Unsure
Have I so lost myself in my many distractions
That I've lost complete sight of You
Gone too far away to hear Your voice
To know Your whisper
What I need most is Your perspective on life
Your eyes to see
Your ears
Your heart
To know Your love for me
And Your instruction
To know "we're good"
But I can't tell
I can't hear
Still, there was this sense
I don't like this feeling
But after all this time
I still know
No matter how it feels
You are still carrying me
And...that's kind of nice
And then I remembered
Jesus, they were spitting on Your face
and there You were, loving them
Only someone with a love like that,
Can I trust to love me to the end
And then I read
Ps. 32:10-11 (NIV)
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
Thank You!
but the Lord’s unfailing love
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
surrounds the one who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
Rom. 8:31-39 (NIV)
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
And then I knew
To my question, "Where am I?"
Your answer
I'm in the middle of Your love,
You are surrounding me
Holding me
These struggles don't mean I'm away from Your love
In fact,
You are interceding for me in them
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