Weep for the Lack

So many other guys have girlfriends, I really want to have a girlfriend too.
I'm lonely on weekends, ever since I hurt my friend--we don't talk much since then.
They don't think about how I feel, don't consider what I gave, I think they're just selfish.

So many things he wanted to talk about, burdening him down.  I'm so glad he did, and it was a great conversation--talking about how we let other people know how we feel, apologize when we've done wrong, evaluate why we might want to be in a relationship.

I cried after he left though. I just feel bad for him, wish he didn't have to wait until high school, to get here and have to talk to me about this stuff. I cried for his lack!

These are questions a guy should have been talking with his parents on and off again, over and over again, over the years growing up. They are the ordinary questions of growing up, learning to live, learning to make things right with others, learning to apologize, or let others know when they've hurt you, etc. But who has instructed him?

And then the other painful part...family.

Other students ask me about my dad. I don't know what to say. I say he's away.
My mom...came home at spring festival...she's lost a lot of hair, has way more wrinkles...and she brought a man with her, I don't like the way the people in the village talk about this...
...only cried once since dad died (abt 10 years ago), that was last term when mom was about to have surgery.

Did no one reach out to this guy and give him opportunities to grieve after his dad died? Well, can't blame anyone else, they didn't know either, but...

Now, in grade 11 he wants to talk, wants to know what to do about these. I love his heart, that he wants to learn. 

Tonight he plans to make an appointment to get together with his friend. He'll put away 'face' and apologize later in the week, and hopefully regain a friend. He's learning the skills.  (Skills I'm still working on myself.)
I just hurt that he hasn't had parents to walk this with him, that he has to try so hard to be strong.  (His sister--oh, I can't say for sure, but I think her 'trying to be strong' is in her over the top exuberance. Ah...)

I love this part of the work I do, the one-on-one walking with students. But I wonder...if it had been me...oh...

It's ALL plus

So I started the Journey yesterday, Journey with Jesus.

I didn't get through the exercises this morning. My roommate had to knock on my door to get me up for prayer time...I WAS in bed by midnight last night, which was very good, but didn't sleep for a long time...not used to it yet I guess.

So the exercises...I didn't get through them this morning. And I didn't do the full examen today at noon. And I realized that yesterday I didn't pray the examen quite right--I focussed on a couple of the important questions, but missed some important parts.

But it's really okay, because on this journey, everything is a great big PLUS. All that I do, that I'm learning to do, is directing me to Jesus, drawing me to Him.

When I answered the question "When and how did you feel the love of God today?" It wasn't too nice to confess that...I hadn't. But if I hadn't, now I'm aware that I have been missing it, and I can ask.  Oh Lord, help me to see. Today when I asked myself...one answer: that I'm still here, that He still loves me, that He still gives another day, more chances. Last night reflecting on the grace I'm asking for at this time--growing awareness of the love of God--at one point I thought, "but, oh Lord, I can't just ask for me."  It felt like this could all get so selfish--just praying and seeking about what's in my heart and my relationship with God...but I must also ask for others. But that's just it, isn't it? An awareness of the love of God for me WILL lead me to think of others. His love just works that way.

So, even while I'm not getting the steps quite right, and my time and my schedule are not yet where they are supposed to be, it's all a plus...all that I do, do, every moment turned toward Him, with Him, learning to live in His presence, is good.

Tonight I know to do the part about asking Him to make me aware of my sin in the examen. Yeah...well there are some I'm already aware of...some already apologized for and confessed today. It seems there may be a whole truckload...and tears. But...who knows, maybe there I'll feel His love for me.

It's all a plus, and...I just might be coming alive again!

Starting a Journey

I want to be transformed by Jesus.

I need a deeper awareness of His love for me.

I know that transformation happens by time in His presence, and living from there, and yet I struggle to know how to spend that time.

A year or two ago I noticed a comment in a sermon I've listened to many times--about the exercises of St. Ignatius, how in them there is a great focus on meditating on the love of God.

In Thailand recently, a random comment by someone else at the place I was staying reminded me, and then I found this book: Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius.

And now it's all coming together. I'm starting the journey.  And actually, I might only do the first three weeks of this one, and then repeat, and then stop for a time.  Not totally sure.  The author says you really should have a spiritual director for this journey.  And, I'd love to have some others take it with me.  Praying about all of that.

But I am starting now anyways. Starting and doing even partially--starting to get into the habit and pattern of the exercises, and especially the asking for a certain 'grace' and then examen at noon and night--this will be beneficial.

So I'm starting a journey. The first three weeks--focussing on the love of God, really deep down coming to know and believe He does. (I know He does, but there is a part of me that doesn't, and needs to know.)

Desperate again!

I remember the last time I was desperate like this, 7 years ago now.  I remember reading Phil. 3:8 where Paul said he had lost all things for the sake of Christ. What I realized was "Nothing is worth keeping, at the cost of losing Christ." I was weary, living too busy, seeing so much not like Christ inside, and had come to the place where I was hardly hearing His voice. At that time I evaluated, and made changes. In the evaluation time, I was so clear that anything and everything could be scratched if needed--my role, my work. Nothing was worth keeping at the expense of losing Christ.

Now I am in a similar place, and needing to see that central focus return. Last week I heard a previously recorded message by Dallas Willard, and one line has been repeatedly going through my head: 

"The greatest challenge to our faith is to make sure

 we do the things we need to do 

to keep ourselves centered in God 

and ... environed in grace."

I'm not sure how to plan my schedule. I'll probably never figure it out, but there are some things that have to happen. And this is a filter I can use to evaluate the decisions of each day--will it help keep me centered in God?

I don't know if I'll get my work hours down to consistently 50 or less...actually, I have to find a way (I just hope I let fall the things that are least important).  I must make sure I learn to get to bed earlier (:o/ writing at 2:15 a.m. now), so that I can get up in the morning for time with Him. The morning prayer time with my roommate is good. The new book I am starting to dabble in, and its noon and evening examen, is good!  These will help keep me centered in God. Everything else can go!

If I do nothing else, I must say "Yes!" to the things that will keep me abiding, centered in God, surrounded and transformed by His grace.

Undone

I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed

Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose

And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul

Learning to Abide

What does it mean to "abide" or "remain" in the vine? I've been asking that question and seeking to learn to live it for years now. Time and again I find myself hovering in John 14-17, realizing again that ... if and when I figure out how to live all that is there, this will be life fulfilled, lived joyful, lived well.

I'm there again, hovering, reading and then reading again. (I guess it may be called "meditating"?)

I want to learn to abide, remain in Jesus, remain in His love, remain in His presence. Yesterday was good, as the stresses and frustrations came--changes, people not understanding, a 'quick trip to the hospital' becoming 6 hours there. But I was reminded to turn to Jesus, and as I turned, and asked and listened...new thoughts came, broader and wider perspectives... Oh, I didn't get it all right. Sometimes I did not turn quickly enough, did not listen first to Him before responding. But hopefully I am learning, and getting better at this.

No matter what the stresses of life, no matter what the challenges that come, there is and can be love and patience for others, there is grace that I can receive and live out.

Today, once again I turn toward Him, once again I seek to abide.

As the Father has loved me
so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father's commandments
and abide in His love.
These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
This is my commandment, 
that you love one another
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
That someone lay down his life for his friends.
Jn. 15:9-13