Leading yourself is largely about living a rhythm of life that renews the life of God in us. It's about doing what it takes to know God and enjoy Him and follow and trust Him. It's about being utterly convinced of His goodness. It's about passion and energy and joy that come out of that center.
Leading yourself
Sad, but not Bitter
I've been waiting before the Lord. I've been wondering what is wrong, why it is so hard to lay this down. Is it unforgiveness, or just that trust has not yet been rebuilt? Or is it simply a big pile of disappointment? In this process, and as I posted earlier, I am struggling to love, or to know if I'm loving. My emotions don't feel much like "love", yet in my actions, I can choose to do good, and, well, is this not in itself love?
I've also wondered if it is grief, or a grief process, as an era comes to an end. This is the explanation that makes most sense at this point.
Last week I deliberately chose to not follow the through-the-year reading plan I'm on, and over and over encounter, dwell in, 1 Cor. 13, and 1 John--asking the Lord to speak to my soul and lead me in the way of love.
On one quiet afternoon, I ended the silent time listening to a few songs (mostly to silence and not be irritated by the conversations starting up downstairs), the conversation between my Lord and I became much deeper, much closer.
And it was as if I heard Him say, "You can be sad, but not bitter."
Yes, this I know. I cannot let bitterness form and take root. I must not let my heart be hard. This I know, but hearing Him say it was deeply affirming.
I wonder how much longer I will cry. I wonder when I might see this set of circumstances with more clarity. I wonder when I will be certain that it really isn't lack of forgiveness, only sadness or disappointment in my heart. And I wonder when the sadness and disappointment will fade into history and lose their bite.
Until then, sad is okay, but not bitter. I will seek to discern the difference in the taste, and allow the one, but spit out the other.
I've also wondered if it is grief, or a grief process, as an era comes to an end. This is the explanation that makes most sense at this point.
Last week I deliberately chose to not follow the through-the-year reading plan I'm on, and over and over encounter, dwell in, 1 Cor. 13, and 1 John--asking the Lord to speak to my soul and lead me in the way of love.
On one quiet afternoon, I ended the silent time listening to a few songs (mostly to silence and not be irritated by the conversations starting up downstairs), the conversation between my Lord and I became much deeper, much closer.
And it was as if I heard Him say, "You can be sad, but not bitter."
Yes, this I know. I cannot let bitterness form and take root. I must not let my heart be hard. This I know, but hearing Him say it was deeply affirming.
I wonder how much longer I will cry. I wonder when I might see this set of circumstances with more clarity. I wonder when I will be certain that it really isn't lack of forgiveness, only sadness or disappointment in my heart. And I wonder when the sadness and disappointment will fade into history and lose their bite.
Until then, sad is okay, but not bitter. I will seek to discern the difference in the taste, and allow the one, but spit out the other.
Found Wanting...
Not quite sure what to make of this aching in my heart. Not quite sure of what sort of healing needs to happen, or why it's hurt for so long. Not even sure that I'm sure of the nature of the pain. Is it ... or is it...?
Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.
Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.
When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.
I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting.
Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.
Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.
Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.
When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.
I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting.
Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.
Annual Offsite
The world Staff Retreat keeps coming up, but "retreat" is not quite the right word, if it evokes the idea of "vacation". I guess if you see it more from a tactical "retreat, regroup, re-inspire the troops, strategize and go at it again" perspective, then, yes, we are having our staff retreat this week.
I am, once again, hoping and praying for insight, direction, and breakthroughs. I don't seem to see very far into the future, nor very deep into people's personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I see problems. I see frustrations. And I DO see growth and progress. I have some ideas about how we need to go forward, but just for the next few steps. And the picture is partial. We need ideas and insights from others for it to work--we need to have this team, really be a TEAM.
Oh, team, yeah, I am really hoping that some good discussion will be generated by "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" by Patrick Lencioni. Most all of them will have read it, and feedback so far has been good. But will we be able to really dive in and apply it to our situation? Will we leave the retreat with specific next steps regarding what we discover about our team dynamics, and how to improve them? That will be part of the plan.
So I have been working, and still need to do a fair amount of work, to facilitate a retreat that will be both very useful and meaningful towards helping us gain clarity, and know what we are shooting for over the next year, as well as refreshing and encouraging personally. We need tangible, measurable, doable goals that when accomplished will contribute significantly to our vision. We need to figure out how each of us specifically fits into the action plans. And I want each of the staff members to grow personally as a result of this time together. I want us to be closer, more respect, more caring, more committed to our team vision.
I'm particularly looking forward to each night's bedtime reading--The Magician's Nephew, by C.S. Lewis. They...never new the joys of 'bedtime stories' as children. I hope they will enjoy it now, and perhaps start a new tradition in the next generation.
I am, once again, hoping and praying for insight, direction, and breakthroughs. I don't seem to see very far into the future, nor very deep into people's personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I see problems. I see frustrations. And I DO see growth and progress. I have some ideas about how we need to go forward, but just for the next few steps. And the picture is partial. We need ideas and insights from others for it to work--we need to have this team, really be a TEAM.
Oh, team, yeah, I am really hoping that some good discussion will be generated by "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" by Patrick Lencioni. Most all of them will have read it, and feedback so far has been good. But will we be able to really dive in and apply it to our situation? Will we leave the retreat with specific next steps regarding what we discover about our team dynamics, and how to improve them? That will be part of the plan.
So I have been working, and still need to do a fair amount of work, to facilitate a retreat that will be both very useful and meaningful towards helping us gain clarity, and know what we are shooting for over the next year, as well as refreshing and encouraging personally. We need tangible, measurable, doable goals that when accomplished will contribute significantly to our vision. We need to figure out how each of us specifically fits into the action plans. And I want each of the staff members to grow personally as a result of this time together. I want us to be closer, more respect, more caring, more committed to our team vision.
I'm particularly looking forward to each night's bedtime reading--The Magician's Nephew, by C.S. Lewis. They...never new the joys of 'bedtime stories' as children. I hope they will enjoy it now, and perhaps start a new tradition in the next generation.
"Help me not to be a poophead..."
Yep, that is actually what I prayed as I was going up the steps to be with some friends for dinner--"a time of sharing and encouragement" was what the invitation said. And I...didn't feel like encouraging, couldn't see anything to be encouraging about, somehow got my knickers in a knot about something. So, I asked God to help me not to be a poophead. And He did. The evening was enjoyable, connecting with old friends. And in the sharing, several shared about the spiritual battle they have been sensing lately. One lives in the building with someone who has spirits come over her, and she uses 'ghosts' to drive out other 'ghosts'. And I wondered...could what I was feeling be related to that?
I am so prone to poopheadedness. I can just be ornery about ... nothing! It is good when I can see it, and pray about it.
Where it comes from...I am sure there is lots of it still in me...these parts not yet fully refined and transformed. And then, I'm quite sure there is an enemy who prowls about and takes advantage of the situation, stimulates those parts.
Oh, but God, help me not to be such a poophead--at work, on the street, with friends and family.
And thank you, for loving poopheads like me!
I am so prone to poopheadedness. I can just be ornery about ... nothing! It is good when I can see it, and pray about it.
Where it comes from...I am sure there is lots of it still in me...these parts not yet fully refined and transformed. And then, I'm quite sure there is an enemy who prowls about and takes advantage of the situation, stimulates those parts.
Oh, but God, help me not to be such a poophead--at work, on the street, with friends and family.
And thank you, for loving poopheads like me!
First Things
Some things, if they are to happen at all, must be done FIRST THING in the morning. Maybe this seems like it is going to be a post about time morning time with the LORD, but it's not! That one, I already know it needs to happen right away in the morning--before work, before meeting the distractions of the day.
But now I'm realizing, I also need to put exercise into that time slot. This soul, this spirit, this person, is housed in a BODY that is all too often neglected. I get so busy, and working too many hours, and then lethargic. Exercise happens less and less, and with that--more lethargy, and even longer hours as it seems I don't have the mental energy to make the good decisions for the rest of the time.
I don't want the quiet time to be short-changed, but more exercise might help my mind to be alert at that time too. Two days ago I popped in my Walk At Home DVD with the sound turned low, and listened to my daily reading portion at the same time. I didn't focus real well, but there were other factors at work too. I can definitely work at doing both at the same time.
In any case...here I go. Up for a bit of a workout first thing tomorrow morning, and then the morning after that.
But now I'm realizing, I also need to put exercise into that time slot. This soul, this spirit, this person, is housed in a BODY that is all too often neglected. I get so busy, and working too many hours, and then lethargic. Exercise happens less and less, and with that--more lethargy, and even longer hours as it seems I don't have the mental energy to make the good decisions for the rest of the time.
I don't want the quiet time to be short-changed, but more exercise might help my mind to be alert at that time too. Two days ago I popped in my Walk At Home DVD with the sound turned low, and listened to my daily reading portion at the same time. I didn't focus real well, but there were other factors at work too. I can definitely work at doing both at the same time.
In any case...here I go. Up for a bit of a workout first thing tomorrow morning, and then the morning after that.
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