quitting

What do I do when I realize I hate my job.

Hate? 

Really hate?

Yes, as it is now

The parts that are most demanding and in my face right now

For a while--did better at them

For a while, there were systems

and ways of working together

And I was here more. 

Feeling the pressured of it all

There are too many days

To many times

When all I'm doing is struggling to find hope

Oh, I've been here before, I realize that

I've had other times, where I've come to where I am now

A realization that I need to make some choices

I wish...there were some to talk to about it.

I don't know where to go, who to ask

Those who I've tried....

Doesn't work

We don't get to the crux

I...don't know what to do.

I say I'm a person who doesn't quit

I wonder, sometimes, how long I can go on before I do

How long I can go on feeling like this

Eventually, I won't give a rip

Even seeing no alternative

Anything else is better. 

So...quit what now?

The thought occurs, to quit the counselling program

The idea of just staying home for a month, working on the piles

Being here, while there is no one in the office to ask me to do anything

Is simply wonderful.

Just think of how much I might get done

--on the house

--on the piles I'm behind in

As I sit here...pondering what to quit

(for I must quit something, or I will go insane)

wondering if I should try again to go to bed, 

or have some coffee to add to the mental place

--enter fully into this thought process (it's nearly 2 a.m.)

and somehow cry out for help (yes, faith has changed too, 

hardly know how to ask anymore)

Ideas come

Voices start to speak...through the browsing

Facebook articles...

Maybe it is You God, reaching through...

Let me get that coffee...

The article I found...

Fits with other thoughts I've had recently

Where Are You Headed?

The night before heading off to 3 days of retreat at the beginning of the month

I wrote the words "Invitation" in big letters

First page of the journal I bought for that time

Prompted from the beginning of The Shack movie

Jan Johnson ends the article with:

"Please take time to ask God: 

    What are you inviting me into? 

    What is my next step?"

I guess that's my next step...

Asking God these questions

Hoping light will come

Hoping, someday, I'm living in a different space

(Discovered in 'drafts' on May 30, 2018; Now that I have decided to "quit," it feel more okay to write the intense and scary thoughts of that day.)

I'm...Just me

It hit again

That sudden feeling of dismay

(or maybe it was envy?)

I see a good work an organization is doing

And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources

They have so much to offer

They do so many things so well

But me

I'm mostly just full of dreams

And plugging away at little things

That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish

That somewhere

Out of the blue

Would drop in

Some people

With amazing abilities

And initiative 

To organize

Plan

Help us make what we have

Available to more people

But...I'm just me

We're just us

Limited

But with dreams

And a bit of stamina

Here we are

Staying in the process

Being formed

Growing

Learning

Hoping, somehow

It will all make a difference

I think it is

I think it has

Sometimes

For some people

I hope it goes deep

Stays

Spreads

I guess it's enough

It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things

Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...