I'm Back

I'm back
It's me again
Showing up again
Starting to face my life again

Oh, what a mess
So much, neglected for so long
It's hard to know where to start
Hard to figure out how to plan
But plan I must

I don't need a perfect plan
It will need to be adjusted
Time and again
But each time adjustments will be made
To address that season


I need a framework, to understand life, my life
Is the CWF one that will work?

Starting to feel again...

Maybe I am
finally 
starting to feel again
I've been
I've felt
     disconnected
for so long

Disconnected
   from me
   from feeling much of anything
rather numb, I guess
and I've wondered why

I still don't know why
not completely
I suspect it's related to this rather long season
a big transition 
with many 
    aspects
    choices
    tensions
Perhaps in the process
living with a constant undercurrent
of tension
     so many decisions
     so many unknowns
Maybe
sometimes
I don't let myself feel
lest the feelings overwhelm
and drown me

Now
maybe I'm moving again
into a place where I can breathe, again
I can figure out what it means to be me, again
get excited about going forward, again
maybe...

But for now
I'm thankful
I can sense
I'm starting to feel again

Feel
    the pain of situations happening far away
    the loneliness of missing family
Even
    some of that overwhelm again

No, the overwhelm, is not fun
there is so much ahead
    so much to face
    so much to learn how to do
    so many to whom I am responsible
    so many directions in which my head goes

But with the overwhelm
at least there is something to figure out
    and face
At least I'm not just in denial
    shut down

Perhaps, in the feeling again
I can even
once again 
start to feel 
connected to God, again
    and I think...that's what I've missed most


Words Fail

Written Mar. 30, 2017

So many times lately...I just don't have words. 
Well, not that I don't have words, but...I start to have some
And then the other side of the thing pops up
Other aspects
Other nuances
Or...the opposite extreme is also true
And the story becomes so big and complicated
I no longer know where to begin
Or if I should

Maybe I just need to sit in the reality longer
Not needing to write
Not needing to tell
Not needing to express

Well...I find
I just don't want to...write, tell, express

So much is going on
so much in so many directions
I don't even know what it really is
What the essence is
Must
    just
       experience

and ... let   go
Related Posts with Thumbnails