God, is it You?

God, is it You?

Is it You that has called me?

Is it You that spoke?

Did You speak to me through Isa. 58

Leading me to think that the next decades 

   will be spent

   doing that

   there

If it was You

If You want me to do this

(and I have no other possibilities 

or options going through my head right now),

Then You're going to need to provide

I suppose You know all that is needed

I suppose You know all about

...the ideas

...the people

...the money

...the buildings

...the organizational structures

...the coordination

...the communication

and whatever else

that will be needed. 

Yeah, so, if You want this done...

Please lead me

Please show me 

What to do

How to live

And please hold me

Calm

At peace

Torn

It's that feeling again

Of being ripped apart

Having life to live 

And people I love

   on two sides of the ocean

I like each of the places

   when I am there

I can be excited about the other place

   when I think of it

And yet the leaving is hard

And seems to get harder

It's inevitable I guess

Unless I were to

   disengage my heart

Connecting to Myself

Not too long ago I finally cried when talking to God about something at night. The next thought was, "Oh it's good to finally be connecting with You again." And then I realized..."No, I am actually finally connecting with myself."

For some reason it's been hard again, these days...to connect to me--to know what I'm really feeling, and why...to process it all. 

Little sister had a baby this week--a baby born soon followed by testing, procedure #1, then surgery for an in utero known congenital heart problem. The tension and relief of all that--helped the tears to come, and I was glad.

I wonder what's going on with me. I wonder how to see it all. I understand some of it. Some I don't know. And I'm not quite sure what to do. 

And for some reason I'm now less eager to pour it all out...even here...

How Long Will I be Here?

Someone I know and respect lost his brother this week. He posted this music video. Ever since I watched it the words and melody have been running through my head.

The man who died--sounds like he was an amazing person, and a blessing to many.

He was 54 when he died.

I am 46.

Many have not made it to the age I am now.

A cousin was only 19 when he succumbed to cancer.

An uncle was only 42 when he left this world.

Some of my great aunts have lived long lives.

They would joke around--"One of our sisters died when she was young, she was 59." (Or was it 69?) Yes, they mostly lived well into their 90's, one (at least) past 100.

And so I ponder again this question: How long will I be here?

Not sure how much time I should spend pondering it.

At this point I don't know the answer, and don't really need to know.

And yet to stop and feel it, the poignancy and mystery of the brevity of life, and the reality that it is beyond our control--not a bad thing.

Somehow, it seems, it is important to learn to hold this reality, to live humbly before it.

And somehow it's important to then, not fritter away our days, make sure they are invested for what matters, lived well--stewarding well the "talents" entrusted to us.

Captured again

It amazes me, You know

How You do it

How You capture and inspire my heart

Again and again

Just when I wonder

If I'm too tired

If I'll ever know again

   the "me" that I'm meant to be

   the "me" that is alive to You

When I think I can't hear anymore

When I wonder if I'm dying

Or if I've permanently lost something

You capture my heart again

Last week it was through the book Chasing Fireflies. Oh my, what an amazing story! I cried several times (and laughed too). And through it, and by the end, and the author's personal reflection--You, pulling me, wrecking me actually, igniting again, or deepening, that passion for...to encourage and help young guys, to see them find healing and encouragement, to be amazing and good men--husbands, fathers--in the future!

I'm sure the messages I heard by N.T. Wright yesterday were also a part of renewing and refreshing, refocusing my eyes, my heart, reminding me of Your beauty, the privilege of having Your Word, of knowing Jesus.

Today, it is a song (or maybe more than one song...discovering a group I hadn't heard of--a few great songs!)--Wild Heart, by Urban Rescue. Yes, it brought tears...but maybe because I was needing to cry...to really connect again, or...first to acknowledge, that it's big, that it sometimes feels hard, very hard, and to bring it to You. But in this song, something touched me, something resonated...something in the song resonated with something already true and real and deep, down solid in me...

And in the tears

I know again

That I am alive

Ah...I know

I shouldn't doubt

You are the God who renews and refreshes

You promise to do these things

You, God of the resurrected Jesus

Of course You can resurrect

    and renew

    and revive

    even me.

Thank you.

Urban Rescue

Ooh, hadn't heard of this group before, but...I like this song:

And this one is good too--His Name

Tears will pave the way

I often feel like

When I'm crying, or

When the tears come

Then I am really living

I don't know why

I know a lot gets stuck inside

And it it somehow "hits" me

I feel it

I feel it all*

And it's all jumbled

   immense

   overwhelming

   confusing

Life...

My brain seems to spend a lot of time

Trying to figure it all out

Make sense of it all

But I can't

And I probably won't

Maybe when I cry is when I see reality

It IS big

And I can't figure it out

So just feel it

Acknowledge 

   the pain

   the challenges

   the impossibilities

Let it out in the tears

And then

Pick up and go on

The tears are when I've named it, owned it

And only when I own it

Can I live it

Yep, tears are really living

Tears will pave the way forward

*Maybe this is part of being in the "gut" (8, 9, 1) group on the Enneagram?

(May 30, 2018--discovered in 'drafts.' Not sure why I didn't post earlier)

Courageously Wait

Wait patiently for the LORD.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the LORD.

Ps, 27:24, NLT

Yes, it does require courage...

Disconnected

Disconnected

That's the other word that describes how I have felt lately

Even longer than three weeks

Off and on

Disconnected from myself

Disconnected from emotions at times

Not really sure of what is what

Of who I am

Or how to properly judge

(or if I am)

How I am doing

From God's perspective

From a bigger perspective

And sometimes I've wondered 

If I was able to feel properly

Perhaps I'd be more excited

On meeting that person

Or in that discussion

If it was another time

Another place

A more integrated me

I'm moving into the rest that is needed

I'm hoping and believing it will help

To get to the place

Once again

Of knowing who I am

And where I am

In You

Unsettled

Unsettled

That has been the reoccurring feeling

Lessening now

But frequent upon landing

On this side of the world

The side that I'm supposed to call "home"

(There really is no "home" now,

that I know, or feel,

only one I hope for,

but that is another topic.)

I don't like the feeling

But it is good to recognize it

And maybe it is good that it exists

And comes to the forefront, 

Due to this shifting between locations.

I stop, often, and ponder the 'why' of the feeling

Where it comes from

Why it is there

And what might bring "settling"

The "why"
Actually probably "why's"
As there are probably several
Part of it is just a natural thing I think
Of not being used to this environment
These social settings
Not knowing how to behave
Or what are the correct or expected behaviours
And there is, behind that then,
The wanting to fit in, to "get it right"
Sometimes it has been a concern about how others see me,
Whether I am properly fitting in with their expectations
There may be other reasons and aspects

And there has been an awareness
That what will bring settling
Is knowing I am okay
Knowing Your love
Knowing You hold all things
I've thought of many words of Dallas Willard
About being free from all these worries
Being at peace--a pervasive sense of well-being
Knowing all is okay
Not needing to push for something with other people
Not wanting or needing them to see me in any particular way

So I'm thankful for the feelings
And the awareness that has been there
All along
And the moments of pause
To look to You
To ask for help
To grow
To learn
To change

I am held by You
I am loved by You
And the more I know it
The more I am settled

All the dreams that haven't happened

I don't know why it's there...

Suddenly, open, in Word...

A document from ... before...

Back when we were planning

When there was excitement

About doing things together...

But that is over now...

That one...with them...

And it hurts

And I think of others

How many times that has happened

What do I DO with all of this

What am I supposed to do?

How do I find hope again?

Why should I try?

Or think that if I do try again, with others,

That somehow it might actually go forward?

These are memories...that haunt
That hurt
Lord, what do I do with these--
Memories of hopes...raised, then dashed
And the dreams and visions 
That invite (or is it taunt?) me now?

(mostly written Dec. 23, 2015)

He prowls this way?

It's incredible, and eerie
The similarities between today
And Feb. 5, 2015
And the only reason I notice
Is it connects to the same one person
(that I rarely connect with)
And today I've reviewed what I wrote then.

Yes, both times around a person, the same person
    someone--these are the only two times of contact in this year
Then it seemed You brought him to mind
As I was in a time of praying and seeking
And You wanted me to ask him
To invite him to come work with us
For the guys
And I did
Well, I tried to
But I did my part
I sent a message
Tried to connect on the phone
He didn't want to talk it seemed
Brushed it of
Sent a text message saying someone else would explain

But today we talked
Yesterday he had sent a text message saying he wanted to
And I've heard about Your leading
And that he will come
And this is a great encouragement
This is a time of great joy
Or...it should be

But at the same time
Today
I've come to the end of myself
Almost despairing
Around other things
And the inability to move forward
And pain
And frustration
And I stumbled on
Something else I wrote
Then
Yes, almost despairing
Not knowing how to go forward
Feeling utterly alone

Is this...just simply part of the battle?
Is this what battle looks like?
On one hand, the fight, the push
For this person, to grow, move forward
And step into blessing others
And the fight within me

Is it that the enemy comes to discourage at this time?
Why? Just to make it harder?
Does he think I'm going to quit? Or give up?
I'm not. That's not going to work
Or maybe His effectiveness is in throwing up a smoke screen
Or sand in the eyes
Distracting the focus
Decreasing effectiveness
Time wasted for lack of seeing what is happening
And energetically responding

(written Jan. 11, 2016)