She's Amazing

I have a new hero--and I'm always looking for heroes. She's 83, and I have the privilege of taking her in to the hospital for her mastectomy tomorrow. Just a few years ago her husband died**. What a blow that must have been. Tomorrow she's going to bring me a copy of her story--the challenges faced in earlier years in Germany--so I can read it at the hospital while I wait. I suspect I'll be even more amazed at her after the reading.

After the tests today, and facing surgery tomorrow, she's thankful. I asked if she's nervous or fearful about the surgery. On Sunday she had said she was a little nervous, so I don't think she's afraid to admit the truth. Today, she's not too bad, after the tests, and knowing the schedule for tomorrow. "Oh, I appreciate the Lord," she said. "The older I get I trust Him more and more." She's thankful they found the cancer so early, and that they are doing the surgery so soon.

She was telling me how she swims and walks. "I had polio you know," so on the right side of her body the muscles are weakened. It's why her body is twisting and leaning, but the walking helps. She walks inside when it's cold, because she doesn't need to break a leg outside, but she must walk.  And after the surgery, she's going to walk. She's told herself she is going to make herself walk, she's not going to give up.

If the Lord lets me live to to be 83, I hope I am as positive, cheerful, laughing, smiling and trusting the Lord as she is--even after all she's been through (much I don't even know), and in the face of difficulty now. What a woman!!  And... 

Thank You Lord, for the people ahead of us on the journey, giving us a vision of how to follow You, how to trust You, how to faithfully follow, and how You are faithful, even to our old age and grey hairs. As You have faithfully been with her, sustaining, granting peace and joy, so You will be with me.

**Correction: Earlier I had said he died "tragically and suddenly, physician's error in or after surgery, I believe," but that is incorrect. He was quite ill for about 6 months, and there was one small "physician incident" error but it did not result in his death. Of course before those 6 months of severe illness his diabetes was already at a pretty advanced stage--he was going in for dialysis a couple of times a week, etc.

When I hide

I hide
I do
I try not to
I try to deal with things
Work things out with people
Clarify
Listen
Understand
Explain
Find analogies that work
Come to understanding and healing

And often that works
And as a result
I have some very amazing friendships
With freedom
And fun
And grace
And understanding
We go deep, very deep
It's not strange
For there to be tears
Because we go to those places
But it is good
Very good

But sometimes
I just don't know what to do

And when the confusion is too much
And the 'trying' doesn't look like it is going to get anywhere
I back away
Turn off
Tune out

And then...I just don't think about it
I don't go there
It's easier
Than anything else

When I hide
This is why
I've tried to offer
The best of me
And failed
All you got or felt
Was the worst

What's left?
Why bother?
How should I engage?
When every question I ask myself
Or God
Brings no clear response
I stop
Turn off
Tune out
Oh, I don't ignore the person
And I'm not rude
I simply stop initiating
In that relationship
It's easier (it seems)
And better (perhaps)
To find a way to go on
Than to sit in that darkness
Spend the hours in confusion
And hurt
When nothing can be done

This is why I hide
How I hide
When I hide

I wonder
If I can learn
A better way
To sit before God with it all
I've tried
We'll see