They started to come
Last night
And then today
Some is grieving, processes not yet complete
Maybe I am just being a cry-baby
But, it is really okay
Here is the God who knows me
And He loves me
Oh how He loves me
Especially me
I can cry
confused
frustrated
hurt
lost
alone
misunderstood
complaining (hey, I didn't say it was all good!)
WHATEVER it is
I can cry it out to Him
He will help it all get sorted out
The thoughts
The feelings
It is safe here
Safe before Him
Funny, sometimes the tears are questioning Him
"How do we keep hope?"
"How do we believe?"
And at the same time...
He is the only One
Who has ever showed such a good way to live
Who loved me like this
He is my Hope
My only Hope
My only Refuge
Thank You LORD!
The Best Teacher
It is amazing really...I'm here seeking God and asking about so many things in my life. Listening... Thinking... Journalling... Reading... And as I pick up book after book, I find the themes intersect so well!
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
Granted, I CHOSE the books and brought them along, based on things I'm struggling with and wanting to learn. And I have asked God to lead and guide. The overlap between the "spiritual" and "business/practical" is wonderful. There really is not much difference. We are spiritual beings having physical and mortal experiences.
I still struggle to prioritize--to do the important and skip the other stuff. When it comes to delegating, I can get way too involved in all the details of the work of others, making it hard to focus on what I should be doing. Do I "micro-manage"? Oh, NO! I don't want to. But...how do you delegate and prioritize and manage in a way that works? What is stopping me and the team I lead from getting there? During this time, this is one area in which I am reading and seeking.
Here's how the learning happens:
Finally...
I'd been waiting for it, that moment... and on Saturday it finally happened--I noticed that the dark circles under my eyes had faded! YES!
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
Starting to Relax...
While I had feared I would have trouble STOPPING work, and in a sense I did, for the first few days (connecting with someone and a situation back home), now I fear I won't be able to pick it up.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
Standing Strong
There are two kinds of standing
Both look so strong, until...
One stands after the crash, after the fall
after all has been revealed
all has been confessed.
This one stands after facing the truth of self, sin, and grace
Owning the self
Owning the sin
Receiving the grace
This one is a crawl through the mud
Bloodied and bruised this one comes
Desperate, needy, broken, humbled
This one stands in the Light where all is revealed
Where heads hang in shame
But this one receives a hand that reaches out
This one knows the One who lifts heads
And when this one stands again
He stands so strong, He stands so tall
Others might come...accusing
"I know what you did"
He smiles, sad, but can say, "I know" "Yes, I did"
And still stands strong
The other's standing looks strong
But is really so fragile
Based on pretense, hiding, a false image for others
A false image of self
It is a weary standing
Much effort made to make sure know one else knows
Much effort to keep self from not thinking,
not remembering,
not admitting
It is a fearful standing
For the moment someone else knows
We must deny
If they know, we are not safe
For we have no prodigal's God
We have no God of repentence, confession, grace
We reject the mud, the humility, the shame
We refuse to to stare in the face and say,
"Yes, this is me." "Yes, this is what I've done"
We reject the brokenness, so receive no healing
We think we are strong
so we stand
tall
strong
but oh so fragile
There are two kinds of standing
But only one is strong
Ode to a friend, still trying to get out of the mud, still learning to stand in the grace, but oh so courageous in the confession. In the end, you WILL stand strong my friend. And nothing will shake you.
My soul will find the rest it needs
This was the view in front of me on the beach this morning. Last night as the bus drove further and further...about 20 minutes where I was the last one on the bus...far from bustling cities... And then when I arrived, and saw the place, and my room. Ah. Thank you Lord. Peace and quiet. Clean. New. Welcoming. A place named after the verse (KJV) "...as he slept under a juniper tree...the Lord came and touched him..."
Yes, I am looking for a "touch" from the Lord.
I have been writing "I am here to meet with You" in my journal. And I wrote about being "disturbed". Yesterday, reading Daniel 9-10, I was reminded that an encounter with God, or even just an angel, can indeed be very disturbing--Daniel kept falling face down, and was left trembling with what he saw. But he also received strength, and was 3 times told, "you are very precious to God" (NLT). The disturbing, would be worth it, to gain the touch, and the strength, and being told "you are very precious to God".
Disturb me Lord. Thoroughly shake all those places that need to be destroyed, dismantled, uprooted. Disturb all wrong perceptions of you, or me or others. Disturb me for the things that disturb You. Do not let me leave here unchanged.
Here to Meet with God
"I have become convinced that the More that we are looking for is the transformation of our souls in the presence of God. It is what we want for ourselves and it is what we want for those we are leading."
--Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p. 14
I am desperate.
I am disturbed.
I am here to meet with God.
I am beyond knowing how to fix myself.
I am beyond knowing how to improve.
I don't know if it's love when I think I'm helping someone.
I fear the lines between "care" and "control" have become blurred.
I have not yet figured out when to give advice and guide, or let them find the way themselves.
I do not want to continue to cause unnecessary pain.
I am disturbed that I do not know how to sit still in Your presence.
I am disturbed at how fragile is my sense of abiding in You and guiding others by Your guidance.
I am disturbed that I cannot tell why I am angry or if I have forgiven.
I am disturbed that I do not know many of my neighbours' names.
I am disturbed that I may be a toxic presence.
I am disturbed ... at just how disturbed I may be. (oh...I hear someone laughing)
I am desperate.
I am looking.
I want More, so I left what I had behind.
I am searching.
And so I am here.
I am here to meet with God.
The Place Between
In that place between
Slowly extracting from life
Last touches
Final wrap-ups
Slowly settling
Enjoying
Soon...
Much below will start to rise
Demanding attention long neglected
Demanding gently
Demanding violently
Then there will be wrestling
Wrestling gently
Wrestling violently
Wrestling to the insight
Wrestling to surrender
And to peace
And my soul will find rest
Be refreshed
in God
The journey into rest, into times of silence and solitude, is not necessarily an easy one, nor is it a quick one. It is a process. Just being "not at work" does not yet mean we are enterring into rest...for so much we take with us, and it needs time to settle. But...in time...
Tension
Sometimes life feels like an impossible tightrope walk. Getting it "right" is a sliver of a line, a fragile mark, between two tensions. I'm not so focussed on getting it "right" anymore. I realize there will be more of a wavering walk, going back and forth over the line, continuously recorrecting, but the recorrecting gets tiring. Sometimes I'm a little addicted to or more prone to lean to one extreme more than the other, and have not yet learned how to pull back.
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Preparing for Vacation
Vacation is not easy, at least the planning part.Actually, what I am going for is more than just vacation, it is an extended vacation, or, more like a sabbatical. Two months.
First there is the question of location. Where should I go? Usually in down-time, I really look forward to and need solitude time. I savour lots of time alone, reading and journalling. Yet it is also a blessing to be with people, and perhaps unhealthy to be too solo for too long. This time I thought of a few old, good and faithful friends in the next province that I can pop in on. They are the kind of people with whom I can just be me. They will love me as I am, and yet not let me stay that way. In the end, I will only visit one.
I LOVE Your Law!!
It always struck me as weird that David would say that...shows up most in Psalm 119 I think. How can you "love" a "law"? How do you love rules and commands? Love is warm and soft. Law is hard and cold.
But I am starting to understand. This past week my reading schedule had me in Leviticus 19. I listened through twice, the next day I read, and I felt myself saying "I love Your law." I love His ways, they are so good. It is so GOOD to live in a world where people follow His ways, where we are taught these ways are right. Yes, it's good: Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind. Leads to a broader principle--actually, do not ever have fun at anyone else's expense, hurting them and mocking them for that area in which they are weak! And don't bother to collect all of the harvest, leave it for the poor, the widow and the foreigner. Ah, a country where they help you get on your feet when you first arrive, or enable you to survive if you've been hit by some of life's hard blows.
Oh God, I love Your law!
But I am starting to understand. This past week my reading schedule had me in Leviticus 19. I listened through twice, the next day I read, and I felt myself saying "I love Your law." I love His ways, they are so good. It is so GOOD to live in a world where people follow His ways, where we are taught these ways are right. Yes, it's good: Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind. Leads to a broader principle--actually, do not ever have fun at anyone else's expense, hurting them and mocking them for that area in which they are weak! And don't bother to collect all of the harvest, leave it for the poor, the widow and the foreigner. Ah, a country where they help you get on your feet when you first arrive, or enable you to survive if you've been hit by some of life's hard blows.
Oh God, I love Your law!
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