The Me I Don't Want to Be

I'm doing it now
Living it out
The life of the me I don't want to be

I thought
I've always strived to
Work out problems with others
If there is something wrong
Something I suspect in them
Or something bothering me
To bring it up
Try to talk
Try to work it out

But I'm not doing that now
Don't know how
Have tried
Doesn't seem to work
Aware that some or even much of the problem is in my heart
So why bother working it through with them
They aren't necessarily going to help
They don't feel safe for the process

How did I get here
Living like this

Now I understand how it happens

But how can I ... get beyond this?

Ananias

How you must have trusted him

How much did you risk

Or, was it really no risk at all

Before you even asked him to go pray for Saul's healing

(Saul, this murderer of Christians, dangerous, wild)

Before you even asked him

You had already showed Saul a vision that he would come

What if he didn't go

What if he ran away

(like Jonah)

What if he doubted it was Your voice

What if he rationalized it away

What if he hesitated, delayed, until the opportunity passed?

(like I have done too many times)

Or just flatly said, 'no'

But it seems You knew he wouldn't

Even allowing for the questions he raised

Who was this man

What kind of faith

What kind of relationship with You

Had been cultivated

Over so many years

There must have been years of faithfully seeking You, 

Knowing You

Hearing Your voice

And obeying

This hidden man

(is he mentioned before, or again after)

Suddenly comes into our line of vision

Becomes a part of the story we know

But You must have known him so well long before

You knew he was one You could call on

To obey

To faithfully follow

To come out of contented obscurity for a time

And return to obscurity again

A life lived for You, in Your Presence

A life where interactions with others 

Flow from abiding in You

Lord, You know...

Lord, You know our loneliness

You know our ache

You know the ways we try to run

And to fill

We fill the ache in many ways that are not You

And will not fill

Yesterday

You showed me my ways

Today 

You showed me hers

Guard me Lord 

From judging

From the pride and arrogance

That make me think somehow my ways 

Are better than hers

And preserve me Lord

May I never justify

Or bail

Keep me running back to You

Clinging to You

And help her see it too

And run back to You

Lead us to the life that is full and free

Full...in You

Free...in You

More Mysterious

You, God

Are harder to define

Harder to find

Harder to understand

Than I ever knew before

You are less clear

Less easy to explain

My prayers have less words

I hardly know what to say to You

And yet You are more safe

I am more sure

Sure in the uncertainty

That is the You

I know better than ever

He meets us where we are

In the past my biggest morning struggle was to get past the worry, to trust.

Now, it's to get past all the hurts and disappointments, to hope.

Thank you LORD, in the struggle today, what I needed to hear came in a subscribed email, "why it’s worth it to keep on hoping…". And then the parts of verses that came to mind in the light of dawn rising, also showed up in the blogs I went to read from there--connected from the first one. It was a rather random clicking...of the many, just choosing a few whose titles seemed good. (I should know by now, it is often how You speak to me through blogs and themes.)

"Even though the fig tree does not bloom...", I thought, and here I read: 

"Even though the fig trees have no blossoms;

and there are no grapes on the vines;

even though the olive crop fails,

and the fields lie empty and barren;

even though the flocks die in the fields

and the cattle barns are empty ... "

" ... yet I will rejoice in the Lord!

I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!

The sovereign Lord is my strength!

He makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights."

Habakkuk 3:17-19

And I realized I am looking at all the negatives, but there is much good. I remembered, "forget not all His benefits...", and then here I read: 

“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.” Psalm 103:2-4 (NIV)

Thank you LORD. Although I can barely see You, barely reach for You, as I cry out to You, You reach out to me, and in little ways you show you are here, listening, watching over, and confirming. I know what to do today--rejoice in You, in who You are, and remember the things You have done. LORD, I look for that grown of love and compassion. May that be what flows out of me to others today, in spite of the sadness inside.