While I had feared I would have trouble STOPPING work, and in a sense I did, for the first few days (connecting with someone and a situation back home), now I fear I won't be able to pick it up.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
Standing Strong
There are two kinds of standing
Both look so strong, until...
One stands after the crash, after the fall
after all has been revealed
all has been confessed.
This one stands after facing the truth of self, sin, and grace
Owning the self
Owning the sin
Receiving the grace
This one is a crawl through the mud
Bloodied and bruised this one comes
Desperate, needy, broken, humbled
This one stands in the Light where all is revealed
Where heads hang in shame
But this one receives a hand that reaches out
This one knows the One who lifts heads
And when this one stands again
He stands so strong, He stands so tall
Others might come...accusing
"I know what you did"
He smiles, sad, but can say, "I know" "Yes, I did"
And still stands strong
The other's standing looks strong
But is really so fragile
Based on pretense, hiding, a false image for others
A false image of self
It is a weary standing
Much effort made to make sure know one else knows
Much effort to keep self from not thinking,
not remembering,
not admitting
It is a fearful standing
For the moment someone else knows
We must deny
If they know, we are not safe
For we have no prodigal's God
We have no God of repentence, confession, grace
We reject the mud, the humility, the shame
We refuse to to stare in the face and say,
"Yes, this is me." "Yes, this is what I've done"
We reject the brokenness, so receive no healing
We think we are strong
so we stand
tall
strong
but oh so fragile
There are two kinds of standing
But only one is strong
Ode to a friend, still trying to get out of the mud, still learning to stand in the grace, but oh so courageous in the confession. In the end, you WILL stand strong my friend. And nothing will shake you.
My soul will find the rest it needs
This was the view in front of me on the beach this morning. Last night as the bus drove further and further...about 20 minutes where I was the last one on the bus...far from bustling cities... And then when I arrived, and saw the place, and my room. Ah. Thank you Lord. Peace and quiet. Clean. New. Welcoming. A place named after the verse (KJV) "...as he slept under a juniper tree...the Lord came and touched him..."
Yes, I am looking for a "touch" from the Lord.
I have been writing "I am here to meet with You" in my journal. And I wrote about being "disturbed". Yesterday, reading Daniel 9-10, I was reminded that an encounter with God, or even just an angel, can indeed be very disturbing--Daniel kept falling face down, and was left trembling with what he saw. But he also received strength, and was 3 times told, "you are very precious to God" (NLT). The disturbing, would be worth it, to gain the touch, and the strength, and being told "you are very precious to God".
Disturb me Lord. Thoroughly shake all those places that need to be destroyed, dismantled, uprooted. Disturb all wrong perceptions of you, or me or others. Disturb me for the things that disturb You. Do not let me leave here unchanged.
Here to Meet with God
"I have become convinced that the More that we are looking for is the transformation of our souls in the presence of God. It is what we want for ourselves and it is what we want for those we are leading."
--Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, p. 14
I am desperate.
I am disturbed.
I am here to meet with God.
I am beyond knowing how to fix myself.
I am beyond knowing how to improve.
I don't know if it's love when I think I'm helping someone.
I fear the lines between "care" and "control" have become blurred.
I have not yet figured out when to give advice and guide, or let them find the way themselves.
I do not want to continue to cause unnecessary pain.
I am disturbed that I do not know how to sit still in Your presence.
I am disturbed at how fragile is my sense of abiding in You and guiding others by Your guidance.
I am disturbed that I cannot tell why I am angry or if I have forgiven.
I am disturbed that I do not know many of my neighbours' names.
I am disturbed that I may be a toxic presence.
I am disturbed ... at just how disturbed I may be. (oh...I hear someone laughing)
I am desperate.
I am looking.
I want More, so I left what I had behind.
I am searching.
And so I am here.
I am here to meet with God.
The Place Between
In that place between
Slowly extracting from life
Last touches
Final wrap-ups
Slowly settling
Enjoying
Soon...
Much below will start to rise
Demanding attention long neglected
Demanding gently
Demanding violently
Then there will be wrestling
Wrestling gently
Wrestling violently
Wrestling to the insight
Wrestling to surrender
And to peace
And my soul will find rest
Be refreshed
in God
The journey into rest, into times of silence and solitude, is not necessarily an easy one, nor is it a quick one. It is a process. Just being "not at work" does not yet mean we are enterring into rest...for so much we take with us, and it needs time to settle. But...in time...
Tension
Sometimes life feels like an impossible tightrope walk. Getting it "right" is a sliver of a line, a fragile mark, between two tensions. I'm not so focussed on getting it "right" anymore. I realize there will be more of a wavering walk, going back and forth over the line, continuously recorrecting, but the recorrecting gets tiring. Sometimes I'm a little addicted to or more prone to lean to one extreme more than the other, and have not yet learned how to pull back.
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Tensions...
Connected or Alone
Community or Independence
Shepherding or Releasing
Inspiring or 'Hands-off'
Focus on others' growth or Focus on self growth
Control or Trust
Helping or Non-involvement
Preparing for Vacation
Vacation is not easy, at least the planning part.Actually, what I am going for is more than just vacation, it is an extended vacation, or, more like a sabbatical. Two months.
First there is the question of location. Where should I go? Usually in down-time, I really look forward to and need solitude time. I savour lots of time alone, reading and journalling. Yet it is also a blessing to be with people, and perhaps unhealthy to be too solo for too long. This time I thought of a few old, good and faithful friends in the next province that I can pop in on. They are the kind of people with whom I can just be me. They will love me as I am, and yet not let me stay that way. In the end, I will only visit one.
I LOVE Your Law!!
It always struck me as weird that David would say that...shows up most in Psalm 119 I think. How can you "love" a "law"? How do you love rules and commands? Love is warm and soft. Law is hard and cold.
But I am starting to understand. This past week my reading schedule had me in Leviticus 19. I listened through twice, the next day I read, and I felt myself saying "I love Your law." I love His ways, they are so good. It is so GOOD to live in a world where people follow His ways, where we are taught these ways are right. Yes, it's good: Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind. Leads to a broader principle--actually, do not ever have fun at anyone else's expense, hurting them and mocking them for that area in which they are weak! And don't bother to collect all of the harvest, leave it for the poor, the widow and the foreigner. Ah, a country where they help you get on your feet when you first arrive, or enable you to survive if you've been hit by some of life's hard blows.
Oh God, I love Your law!
But I am starting to understand. This past week my reading schedule had me in Leviticus 19. I listened through twice, the next day I read, and I felt myself saying "I love Your law." I love His ways, they are so good. It is so GOOD to live in a world where people follow His ways, where we are taught these ways are right. Yes, it's good: Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind. Leads to a broader principle--actually, do not ever have fun at anyone else's expense, hurting them and mocking them for that area in which they are weak! And don't bother to collect all of the harvest, leave it for the poor, the widow and the foreigner. Ah, a country where they help you get on your feet when you first arrive, or enable you to survive if you've been hit by some of life's hard blows.
Oh God, I love Your law!
The Place of the Kingdom
I caught myself again today. I had to tell myself to stop saying, or thinking, "I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I just want it to be over and done!"
It is nothing major, for some people, just finding new rental space, negotiating and signing contracts. I just wish I never had to do this sort of thing ever in my life again. I hate it. Oh...there it is again. Stop it!
Ah...
I first read this 3 years ago. I'm still trying to digest it, and learn to live it:
"We must accept the circumstances we constantly find ourselves in as the place of God's kingdom and blessing. God has yet to bless anyone except where they actually are, and if we faithlessly discard situation after situation, moment after moment, as not being 'right,' we will simply have no place to receive his kingdom into our life. For those situations and moments are our life." (Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, pp. 348-349)
So, Lord, today I have come to you again and again, panic and all, trying to be willing to learn, trying to figure out how to see this. I'm not as angry and frustrated at You as I used to sometimes be, wondering, "Why do I have to do this?" I don't know how you saw it all in the end today, but I pray it was somehow a process of receiving Your kingdom.
It is nothing major, for some people, just finding new rental space, negotiating and signing contracts. I just wish I never had to do this sort of thing ever in my life again. I hate it. Oh...there it is again. Stop it!
Ah...
I first read this 3 years ago. I'm still trying to digest it, and learn to live it:
"We must accept the circumstances we constantly find ourselves in as the place of God's kingdom and blessing. God has yet to bless anyone except where they actually are, and if we faithlessly discard situation after situation, moment after moment, as not being 'right,' we will simply have no place to receive his kingdom into our life. For those situations and moments are our life." (Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, pp. 348-349)
So, Lord, today I have come to you again and again, panic and all, trying to be willing to learn, trying to figure out how to see this. I'm not as angry and frustrated at You as I used to sometimes be, wondering, "Why do I have to do this?" I don't know how you saw it all in the end today, but I pray it was somehow a process of receiving Your kingdom.
The Cost of Conflict
Wow, I was energized this evening. Even though I got home late after a long day away, at 11:30 p.m. I actually had it in me to complete another goal --spend 10 minutes (and more--I finished the job) on dishes! I think it had much to do with the conversations before arriving home. There was a lot of interaction today, lots of reflection on past stuff, figuring out the process of working together, and then the last hour was just sharing about exciting things happening. Wow, how energizing...especially after last week, clearing up leftovers from the week before that. Ah...
There has been so much to work through with colleagues in recent months. I've seen so clearly the energy cost of conflict, misunderstandings due to defensiveness, etc. Resolving can take so much energy too. Oh resolving is good, and lightens the load, but it takes so much time and energy. Such a process.
Whew!!
Is this season coming to an end?
Have we learned things in the process?
Are we getting better at this, so that we won't be having so many things to clarify and rectify in the future?
We ARE learning to stay committed to the process, and to each other.
For my part, I am learning preventive measures--awareness of the potential hot spots, prayer, and offering self to God before certain situations makes a huge difference. I am also learning to lay down feeling responsible for the reactions of others.
I think I'm learning other things too.
Perhaps I'm learning to love.
There has been so much to work through with colleagues in recent months. I've seen so clearly the energy cost of conflict, misunderstandings due to defensiveness, etc. Resolving can take so much energy too. Oh resolving is good, and lightens the load, but it takes so much time and energy. Such a process.
Whew!!
Is this season coming to an end?
Have we learned things in the process?
Are we getting better at this, so that we won't be having so many things to clarify and rectify in the future?
We ARE learning to stay committed to the process, and to each other.
For my part, I am learning preventive measures--awareness of the potential hot spots, prayer, and offering self to God before certain situations makes a huge difference. I am also learning to lay down feeling responsible for the reactions of others.
I think I'm learning other things too.
Perhaps I'm learning to love.
Change
Change...how does it happen?
I do not like these thoughts, these feelings that manifest themselves in my heart. They disturb me. Why, after knowing so much grace, after knowing so much mercy, after freely receiving so much, am I so easily resentful, jealous, stingy, and angry?
God...please give me a vision of what I would be had You not rescued me. Give me a vision of where I would be had I not been taught Your ways from an early age. And give me a vision of what this is now--this stuff in my heart--what it looks like to You.
Please, change my heart, O God,
I do not like these thoughts, these feelings that manifest themselves in my heart. They disturb me. Why, after knowing so much grace, after knowing so much mercy, after freely receiving so much, am I so easily resentful, jealous, stingy, and angry?
God...please give me a vision of what I would be had You not rescued me. Give me a vision of where I would be had I not been taught Your ways from an early age. And give me a vision of what this is now--this stuff in my heart--what it looks like to You.
Please, change my heart, O God,
This is me
With students in a Grief Support Group I made a collage. I don't remember the exact theme...something about our lives I suppose--past, present, and envisioned future. I had no 'grief' theme in mine, but I created a collage along with the students. I think this was 3 or 4 years ago.
I found this last week and ... it's still me. I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking then, but I recognize and can identify the themes--things I struggle with, what I am aiming for, what I have learned, the kind of person I want to be. This is me.
God is here, Part 2
You came to me
You were there
Standing to my right, but behind me
I was facing away from You
Facing what exactly, I am not sure
But facing forward
All the things before me
and You came and stood behind me
You put Your left hand on my shoulder
Gentle
Loving
Steadying
That was all
I wanted to turn around
I wanted to be found in Your embrace
I wanted You to take me away
I wanted to go and hide and cry and be comforted by You
I wanted to hide in that place of refuge
with my back to all that is in front of me
But You stood behind me
With Your hand on my shoulder
And peace came
I sensed You telling me
It's okay
It's going to be alright
Even though, in this weariness
I doubt my decision making ability
But I have many decisions to make, and big ones
I doubt my judgement
But I still need to discern
It's okay
It's going to be alright
I did turn my head
And look in Your eyes
Such love there
You are here
With Your hand on my shoulder
You and I facing forward
Facing the same direction
You will not go ahead and make the decision for me
You have entrusted this to me
And You are here
You will strengthen
You will guide
You are here.
You were there
Standing to my right, but behind me
I was facing away from You
Facing what exactly, I am not sure
But facing forward
All the things before me
and You came and stood behind me
You put Your left hand on my shoulder
Gentle
Loving
Steadying
That was all
I wanted to turn around
I wanted to be found in Your embrace
I wanted You to take me away
I wanted to go and hide and cry and be comforted by You
I wanted to hide in that place of refuge
with my back to all that is in front of me
But You stood behind me
With Your hand on my shoulder
And peace came
I sensed You telling me
It's okay
It's going to be alright
Even though, in this weariness
I doubt my decision making ability
But I have many decisions to make, and big ones
I doubt my judgement
But I still need to discern
It's okay
It's going to be alright
I did turn my head
And look in Your eyes
Such love there
You are here
With Your hand on my shoulder
You and I facing forward
Facing the same direction
You will not go ahead and make the decision for me
You have entrusted this to me
And You are here
You will strengthen
You will guide
You are here.
I am surprised
I'm surprised at how much still has to die.
I'm not sure I know how to love.
I'm not sure I know how to forgive.
My God...change me...please.
God is here, Part 1
I'm not getting much from the Word these days, but God is here. Oh, I'm still reading, and I trust stuff is getting in, I trust I'm being nourished in some way that I may not see. And now and again thoughts jump out and grab me and leave me pondering a little--the way He usually speaks to me. There just hasn't been a sense of deep connection, being deeply guided, knowing this particular insight is the way to go for this day. It's been more like walking a foggy road. But God is here.
These days it seems He's been speaking through other things, other voices and other ways. Journalling has not been as satisfying, or as effective in connecting lately. Sometimes I don't have the words to express what I feel. I wonder if this season will be more listening and feeling. Not needing to "identify the truth" and have clarity, but to just ride and trust.
Still, God is here.
It's not just now...it often happens this way, but I sense God speaking through the various threads of input that intersect with my life. Audio sermons (listening to Andy Stanley's "Guardrails" series recently), then blogs and other postings--I'm being reminded of truths through others, and themes emerge. I'm so distracted, it's hard to sit and just read for myself...but then He guides my "clicking". Thank You, Lord.
A post at A Place For The God Hungry contained a quote from Lynn Anderson's book about praying through the Psalms. The idea comes of praying through life...and the cadence we need in our lives is:
Evil is all around us.
God is here.
Life is falling apart.
God is here.
So I went to bed last night, listening to Psalms with The Bible Experience. Wow...Psalm 77...the reader is crying, and a song comes in...I don't remember much, but I too was crying out to Him.
Today, in the various thoughts that come, in the blogs I have read, in the way my heart has been led, I sense God is here.
God is here. This thought echoes through my days.
Then, something else happened. See God is here, Part 2.
Today, in the various thoughts that come, in the blogs I have read, in the way my heart has been led, I sense God is here.
God is here. This thought echoes through my days.
Then, something else happened. See God is here, Part 2.
(Most of this was written June 7, 2010, the day after writing Just Sit.)
Forgiveness
You told me today...you wonder if I've completely forgiven you.
Thank you. I'm glad you can say it.
This I need to think about. Father, examine my heart, show me. I definitely DO NOT want to live with unforgiveness--for their sake, for my sake.
It's been a long journey. Painful. Yet so much learned about love and grace and forgiveness. I have forgiven at various points along the way. Then, eight months ago incidents that sparked angry thoughts showed me there was more to forgive. I journalled out my anger to God--the good reasons I had to be angry and not trust and... yes, all valid, but I needed to lay it down, to forgive, to choose to not think about it all. God sees it all, God sees this person, from a different perspective.
I did it. I forgave. I laid it down. Yet even in those days I realized that forgiveness was a continual choice. I have often returned to re-read that journal entry. I will continue to.
Have I forgotten this now? Once again, this time of the year brings so many reminders of what happened THEN. All the parts I've heard confessed and processed--I've seen the grief and repentence--those are easy to forgive. They are truly gone, truly forgiven.
Thank you. I'm glad you can say it.
This I need to think about. Father, examine my heart, show me. I definitely DO NOT want to live with unforgiveness--for their sake, for my sake.
It's been a long journey. Painful. Yet so much learned about love and grace and forgiveness. I have forgiven at various points along the way. Then, eight months ago incidents that sparked angry thoughts showed me there was more to forgive. I journalled out my anger to God--the good reasons I had to be angry and not trust and... yes, all valid, but I needed to lay it down, to forgive, to choose to not think about it all. God sees it all, God sees this person, from a different perspective.
I did it. I forgave. I laid it down. Yet even in those days I realized that forgiveness was a continual choice. I have often returned to re-read that journal entry. I will continue to.
Have I forgotten this now? Once again, this time of the year brings so many reminders of what happened THEN. All the parts I've heard confessed and processed--I've seen the grief and repentence--those are easy to forgive. They are truly gone, truly forgiven.
Just sit...
How do I
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
Holding the tongue
Earlier I wrote about my need for a 1 Day Delay. I noticed a couple of times recently where I held back, and that is good. Last week I thought back on a staff member's comment in a meeting--it wasn't fair, I didn't like it. I wrote a text message, but held off on sending. I wrote an email, but filed in 'drafts.' I debated about the best mode in which to bring up the issue and thought in person would probably be best...and we talked about it in person later. The content of what was said did not change much, but it is important for me to have some processing time on an issue, especially one that is pointing out a problem with the way someone else did something. Sometimes I'm learning to hold back on saying what I think--wait until I see it in a broader light, wait until I've thought through any emotional responses I'm feeling (why does this bug me? why am I angry? is there some truth about myself I'm not willing to see?).
Maybe there is some hope for me.
Maybe there is some hope for me.
I thought...
I called it "Enjoying the Journey." I thought I was. I thought I did. I thought I lived a life of choosing joy. I wanted to. I really did.
Lately though my journal has said, "Please, Give me back my joy," and I've found myself looking for and lurking at blogs that talk about Recovering Joy.
I re-read earlier posts on this blog. I like them. They bring joy...well, some.
So, I am on a quest again. Perhaps it is still the same quest--a life joyfully lived. These days I'm quite far it seems. Joy is hard to come by, harder to choose. And I find I often ... don't give joy, and then that brings tears, of regret.
But I have a God, I know a Shepherd, who is a giver of joy. I know a God who loves me no matter what state of success or failure I find myself in. In it all He finds me, He loves me, and He holds out a hope and a future that I do not know and that I have not yet attained.
Through this valley, He will guide. He will not let me go.
May I be refined. May I be deeply changed (it is so needed).
And someday, may I live in joy again.
Natural, easy-flowing, contagious, authentic ... joy.
Lately though my journal has said, "Please, Give me back my joy," and I've found myself looking for and lurking at blogs that talk about Recovering Joy.
I re-read earlier posts on this blog. I like them. They bring joy...well, some.
So, I am on a quest again. Perhaps it is still the same quest--a life joyfully lived. These days I'm quite far it seems. Joy is hard to come by, harder to choose. And I find I often ... don't give joy, and then that brings tears, of regret.
But I have a God, I know a Shepherd, who is a giver of joy. I know a God who loves me no matter what state of success or failure I find myself in. In it all He finds me, He loves me, and He holds out a hope and a future that I do not know and that I have not yet attained.
Through this valley, He will guide. He will not let me go.
May I be refined. May I be deeply changed (it is so needed).
And someday, may I live in joy again.
Natural, easy-flowing, contagious, authentic ... joy.
Enough Already!
How many times?
When does it become fully YOUR responsibility?
I have patiently explained so many times.
When is enough enough?
This is not my issue, it's yours.
This is not a mess I made. You did it.
Do you really want to go forward?
Is this just me pushing because somehow I need for you to change
I need for you to succeed
...that would be pretty sick.
Do you really not understand?
Is it really not clear yet?
Or is it that you have not really decided to go forward?
Are you playing that game again?
When will I feel I can trust you?
Will it ever happen?
I could put it down and walk away
When does it become fully YOUR responsibility?
I have patiently explained so many times.
When is enough enough?
This is not my issue, it's yours.
This is not a mess I made. You did it.
Do you really want to go forward?
Is this just me pushing because somehow I need for you to change
I need for you to succeed
...that would be pretty sick.
Do you really not understand?
Is it really not clear yet?
Or is it that you have not really decided to go forward?
Are you playing that game again?
When will I feel I can trust you?
Will it ever happen?
I could put it down and walk away
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