The Wrestle--Calling and Identity

So...what happened?

These days...I have been tested to the depths
of calling
and identity
...the things that matter most

When these are clear and firm
There is confidence
Hope
Joy
Motivation

When these are shaky
Questioned
There is darkness
Discouragement
No motivation

I have asked
Why did You make me like this?

I have needed to hear
Again
That it is good
That You made me good
It was a job well done
Not reluctantly good, or okay
But really good
The best possible
Well...I haven't heard to the level of "best possible" yet
But definitely more than "reluctantly okay"

I have remembered
The things You said to me
Through the years
Especially
Related to
...Lily 野百合

And then You reminded me
It came through me
That good thing
That 'break-through' event
That...
The vision came through me
Yes, me. Me.
I don't know why
But it came
And I said, "yes"
And I followed
And it happened
Better than I would have imagined

You want me to keep doing this, don't You?
You want me to keep going
To keep stepping out
Sometimes "knowing"
Sometimes only barely suspecting
And You plan to use me
You want to use this...
(I want to say "obnoxious," "pushing," "annoying"
But...You probably see it better than that)

This...
Tenacious
Determined
Persistent
Always looking for a way
Always looking for a better way
Never giving up
...little me

And then you say
I love you just the way you are
You're beautiful to me

(still coming...some past posts wrestling with the "Who am I?" ...)

Can You Not Trust Me?

I can still the storm
I created you
I have led you this far

Time and again, I have provided
I have promised to always be with you
To never leave you nor forsake you
I have promised this to you
Again and again
And I have proven it to you
Again and again

Today, these days
I am speaking to you
Yes, it is Me
I am speaking
You have learned to hear My voice
You are My sheep, My child
You know My voice
And follow

There are many things before you
Many options
You're overwhelmed
Confused
Scared
You doubt you've heard
You doubt your ability
You don't want to be a fool
But neither do you want to miss this
You don't want to miss the possibility
The potential
You offered your life to me
To use for My glory
I'm taking it
I'm going to use it
I will do mighty things
That you may or may not see

But
Can you not trust me?
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free

Can you not trust me...
For the deepest longings of your heart
To be with you and guide you every step of the way
To watch over and protect you
To provide all you need
    the people you need
    the strength you need
    the insight you need
    all the resources you need
    the way through
That I am leading you and using you
    even when you can't see it
Beyond all your fears
Beyond your weaknesses
Beyond the ways you have failed in the past
Beyond any way you could fail in the future

Trust me with your life
Trust me with your days
Trust me each moment
I am your God
I am your Father
I will be faithful to you
I will always be faithful to you
I will never leave you
I will never abandon you
I love you and will watch over you
I will guide you with My righteous right hand
I will hold you and protect you
You are mine

Trust me
Put away your fear
Live in my love
Live in my joy
Live free


"The Lord is with you, mighty woman of valour....Go with the strength you have...I am sending you....I will be with you."
"You are such a soldier, and the Father is really with you."
Do not be afraid 

If not for this fire...

If not for this fire
If not for this passion that burns inside
Fueled again and again
By their stories
The need
The glimpses
Of pain
And lostness
And confusion
And the glimpses
Of how what I have
What I see
What we have done
CAN make a difference
IS what they need

If not for this fire
I would surely give up
Lay down and die
Pull away
Run
In the countless ways
I know to run

The future
Is so darn scary
The uncertainty
So daunting
I
Am so afraid

Lord,
I don't know where or how
To get the strength
To find the resources

It's hard to 'rally the troops'
Around uncertainty
Hard to even dare to try to tell them
Hard to feel so stupid
And put that out there
For all to see

If not for this fire
I'd run away right now
And courage is not
The absence of fear
But doing what you need to do
In spite of the fear

So, God,
If you want me to continue
If there is something left to do
Then fuel this fire
If it is what is needed
To hold me on course
To compel action
To at least stay put
Until the direction comes
Then, please
Let it burn strong

And may what follows be
Your provision
Your guidance
Your resourcing
In ways only You can do

And may it truly
Meet the need
That fuels this fire