Traveller Still...

It's interesting
How the metaphors that come

Or the words spoken

That resonate

Become something that carries

Way further than we could have ever imagined

How did I come upon the ideas of 

Traveller and 

Sojourner

for me, for my journey

Oh yeah, sure

"Life is a journey"

"We're all on a pilgrimage"

And my life

Living half-way around the world

From where I was born

Where my roots first took hold

Perhaps led me to identify even more

But that's just the physical

Today I'm realizing again

I'm still on such a journey

The land is still so new

I thought I'd started out
   to new places
   before

I thought I'd 'landed'

But then came the need

To start out again

I've almost found a place to rest,

   I think

Though I'm not quite sure...

I know where it is
   that is 'most' comfortable now

Compared to all the other places
   that are definitely not

And yet I know

It may not be the place I stay

There is more to explore

And so

Today

Once again

I remember

I embrace again

My identity

As Traveller, Sojourner

I'm thankful that I'm "enjoying" it again.

I'm thankful that it actually feels pleasant

(Sometimes the journey has been just hard

sometimes terrifying!
Sometimes I've doubted
if there was a journey,
a road,
or if I was just mired in muck.) 

I am a traveller, a sojourner,

All my life I will be

And on this journey

Again and still

I am so thankful
for journey companions

Others exploring similar terrain

Others not content to stay where they are

When they discover 

the land where they have been 

has become 

   hostile

   a place of slavery

   and injustice

And this defines the kind of traveller I am

And the kind of travellers 

   that become my journey companions

We're not constantly moving, constantly leaving

Just out of wanderlust

Or a simply frivolous and 

   never-ending need 

   to see new places

(Though seeing new places is good

Maybe that's a part of discovering 

   the problems 

   with the place you are)

No, more we are compelled by 

   an awakening

   a discontent

   realizing where we have been

   is wrong

We cannot stay

A traveller, a learner

May I always be

And always "at home"
   with those who also seek

Noble Dreams

Sometimes I have noble dreams

Dreams of …

Being a part of bringing peace.

The fight on the street

The screams in the night…

What are the words said....?

Or the presence that would enter

That would bring calm

Invite change

While at the same time

Flooding each one with hope

Not shame

What do I do even now?

Up in my 4^th floor apartment,

Hearing the yelling below

I’ve done it before

Run out into the night,

To follow a situation

To try to help

I’ve also not done anything at times

That girl being pushed into that black car…at 4 a.m.

What was that?

I try, I turn…

To tune into You

What might You say?

I want, I need

Your guidance

Each moment

Each time

In each of these situations

Whether to run out

Or stay

Tonight,

Not feeling the urgency/need

To run out there

There seem to be people involved

And yet I pray

Peace Lord,

Please bring your peace

….

Sometimes I have noble dreams

And yet these seem easier to pull off

With strangers

With those closer, today

Not sure I brought much peace...

I lost patience with the children

Some of the rambunctious boys

Several times :o(

Do I bring peace to the others?

It takes me so long to gain clarity about where I stand

The agitation inside, doesn’t lead to peace outside

How I need

To know You again

How I long

To live in Your presence again

To once again sense

Being led

How I need Your wisdom

How I long for Your guidance

How I need the clarity

That energizes

Lead me Lord.

A Celtic Blessing

May the Christ who walks on wounded feet
Walk with you on the road.

May the Christ who serves you with wounded hands
Stretch out your hands to serve.

May the Christ who loves with a wounded heart
Open your hearts to love.

May you see the love of Christ
In everyone you meet.
And may everyone you meet
See the face of Christ in you.


(Discovered this in my notes--while going through clutter-busting. I'll save it here. Don't need to keep the paper now.)

Can You make a way for me

I'm here, once again

Where I've been so many times before

Knowing this passion

Knowing this sense of calling

It's need I see, and I'm willing and eager

   To somehow work to see change

And I think the part of me 

That yearns to jump in

   To find a way

Is the part of me that You made

   The part of me that responds to You

That knows Your goodness

That has a sense of how this world was meant to be

And wants to play a part 

In seeing Your Kingdom come

Simply a response to Your invitation

And yet, once again

There is the "impossibility" of going forward

I don't know the way

There are options, yes

Each one will take a certain investment

Has pros and cons

Is one of these the way to go?

Will You lead, give wisdom

   As I/we research, investigate?

I'm here again

If this is You

If it has been You

Leading in this vision

Firing this passion

Giving the ideas to do this work

Then You 

Will have to show the way

Will have to make a way

Perhaps even using our hands to

   Clear the brush

   Build a road

Will You
   please...
       make a way for me.

Trembling and Bewildered, Afraid

Mark 16 

1 When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. 2 Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3 and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?”
4 But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5 As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.6 “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. 7 But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’”
8 Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid.

The Realization

     I guess I am a little "afraid" after all.


But...

It's okay to be afraid and bewildered
   as you follow this Jesus
This Jesus...who will constantly surprise you
   with what he does next
It's okay
   that it takes you time to process it all

He still comes to you
   invites you into the experience
   and the revelation
He still goes ahead of you
   and waits for you
   in the unknown

Follow
Trembling
   Bewildered
      Afraid
Go there anyway
You won't want to miss out
   on this adventure!


The invitation:
   Expect the unexpected
   Cultivate a sense of anticipation (it is a faith) choice.
   And in my mind ring the words, "In the light of an unknown future, why would you choose fear [instead of faith]?"


Note: the above are my reflections that came from this Lectio Divina meditation: The Risen Christ Goes Ahead of You

Greetings Friend!

Hi there,

It was good to see you again today.

As you came close

I suddenly realized

How nice it was

And...

    It's been a LONG time

There you were

Feeling light and free

Enjoying people

Enjoying strangers

The elderly lady who was friendly

    Sitting beside her on the bus

Chatting, about 

    life

    the city

    what it's like to be retired

Noticing and enjoying the exuberant little girl

    Walking home from school with her grandmother

A smile for the woman walking her dog

Letting a young man know

    "I also like those little croissants

    ---bought some yesterday."

I saw you there

Just a few glimpses today

I wonder if you'll be coming back

More regularly

Stay for longer

I'd like that

I really would

I wonder what sort of space and time

Is needed for that to happen

Maybe you were never meant

To come back permanently

Maybe...

    You've changed in the absence

Maybe...

    I don't even know what I'm looking for

When I yearn to see the "real you" again

Ah...

The me I want to be

More often

For longer

I wonder what it will take

I'm...Just me

It hit again

That sudden feeling of dismay

(or maybe it was envy?)

I see a good work an organization is doing

And, their organization, and ability to tap into resources

They have so much to offer

They do so many things so well

But me

I'm mostly just full of dreams

And plugging away at little things

That don't really seem to amount to much

Sometimes I wish

That somewhere

Out of the blue

Would drop in

Some people

With amazing abilities

And initiative 

To organize

Plan

Help us make what we have

Available to more people

But...I'm just me

We're just us

Limited

But with dreams

And a bit of stamina

Here we are

Staying in the process

Being formed

Growing

Learning

Hoping, somehow

It will all make a difference

I think it is

I think it has

Sometimes

For some people

I hope it goes deep

Stays

Spreads

I guess it's enough

It'll have to be

Do not despise the day of small things

Who are you to ask or expect to be someone else, or receive a different path? Just walk this one well. Keep learning to walk this one well...

Starting to feel again...

Maybe I am

finally 

starting to feel again

I've been

I've felt

     disconnected

for so long

Disconnected

   from me

   from feeling much of anything

rather numb, I guess

and I've wondered why

I still don't know why

not completely

I suspect it's related to this rather long season

a big transition 

with many 

    aspects

    choices

    tensions

Perhaps in the process

living with a constant undercurrent

of tension

     so many decisions

     so many unknowns

Maybe

sometimes

I don't let myself feel

lest the feelings overwhelm

and drown me

Now

maybe I'm moving again

into a place where I can breathe, again

I can figure out what it means to be me, again

get excited about going forward, again

maybe...

But for now

I'm thankful

I can sense

I'm starting to feel again

Feel

    the pain of situations happening far away

    the loneliness of missing family

Even

    some of that overwhelm again

No, the overwhelm, is not fun

there is so much ahead

    so much to face

    so much to learn how to do

    so many to whom I am responsible

    so many directions in which my head goes

But with the overwhelm

at least there is something to figure out

    and face

At least I'm not just in denial

    shut down

Perhaps, in the feeling again

I can even

once again 

start to feel 

connected to God, again

    and I think...that's what I've missed most

Torn

It's that feeling again

Of being ripped apart

Having life to live 

And people I love

   on two sides of the ocean

I like each of the places

   when I am there

I can be excited about the other place

   when I think of it

And yet the leaving is hard

And seems to get harder

It's inevitable I guess

Unless I were to

   disengage my heart

Disconnected

Disconnected

That's the other word that describes how I have felt lately

Even longer than three weeks

Off and on

Disconnected from myself

Disconnected from emotions at times

Not really sure of what is what

Of who I am

Or how to properly judge

(or if I am)

How I am doing

From God's perspective

From a bigger perspective

And sometimes I've wondered 

If I was able to feel properly

Perhaps I'd be more excited

On meeting that person

Or in that discussion

If it was another time

Another place

A more integrated me

I'm moving into the rest that is needed

I'm hoping and believing it will help

To get to the place

Once again

Of knowing who I am

And where I am

In You

Unsettled

Unsettled

That has been the reoccurring feeling

Lessening now

But frequent upon landing

On this side of the world

The side that I'm supposed to call "home"

(There really is no "home" now,

that I know, or feel,

only one I hope for,

but that is another topic.)

I don't like the feeling

But it is good to recognize it

And maybe it is good that it exists

And comes to the forefront, 

Due to this shifting between locations.

I stop, often, and ponder the 'why' of the feeling

Where it comes from

Why it is there

And what might bring "settling"

The "why"
Actually probably "why's"
As there are probably several
Part of it is just a natural thing I think
Of not being used to this environment
These social settings
Not knowing how to behave
Or what are the correct or expected behaviours
And there is, behind that then,
The wanting to fit in, to "get it right"
Sometimes it has been a concern about how others see me,
Whether I am properly fitting in with their expectations
There may be other reasons and aspects

And there has been an awareness
That what will bring settling
Is knowing I am okay
Knowing Your love
Knowing You hold all things
I've thought of many words of Dallas Willard
About being free from all these worries
Being at peace--a pervasive sense of well-being
Knowing all is okay
Not needing to push for something with other people
Not wanting or needing them to see me in any particular way

So I'm thankful for the feelings
And the awareness that has been there
All along
And the moments of pause
To look to You
To ask for help
To grow
To learn
To change

I am held by You
I am loved by You
And the more I know it
The more I am settled

He prowls this way?

It's incredible, and eerie
The similarities between today
And Feb. 5, 2015
And the only reason I notice
Is it connects to the same one person
(that I rarely connect with)
And today I've reviewed what I wrote then.

Yes, both times around a person, the same person
    someone--these are the only two times of contact in this year
Then it seemed You brought him to mind
As I was in a time of praying and seeking
And You wanted me to ask him
To invite him to come work with us
For the guys
And I did
Well, I tried to
But I did my part
I sent a message
Tried to connect on the phone
He didn't want to talk it seemed
Brushed it of
Sent a text message saying someone else would explain

But today we talked
Yesterday he had sent a text message saying he wanted to
And I've heard about Your leading
And that he will come
And this is a great encouragement
This is a time of great joy
Or...it should be

But at the same time
Today
I've come to the end of myself
Almost despairing
Around other things
And the inability to move forward
And pain
And frustration
And I stumbled on
Something else I wrote
Then
Yes, almost despairing
Not knowing how to go forward
Feeling utterly alone

Is this...just simply part of the battle?
Is this what battle looks like?
On one hand, the fight, the push
For this person, to grow, move forward
And step into blessing others
And the fight within me

Is it that the enemy comes to discourage at this time?
Why? Just to make it harder?
Does he think I'm going to quit? Or give up?
I'm not. That's not going to work
Or maybe His effectiveness is in throwing up a smoke screen
Or sand in the eyes
Distracting the focus
Decreasing effectiveness
Time wasted for lack of seeing what is happening
And energetically responding

(written Jan. 11, 2016)

A New Theme

I wonder if his might be the theme, or part of it, for this next season--maybe even the next two years. By "this" I mean some ideas in this song. There are a lot of ideas...lots, yes, ALL of it could be the theme. I'm listening to the song, over and over again.  

Although I'm a little hesitant to do so, as it might be a huge over-simplification, I guess it could be summarized by the words "Abide in me." 

Abide in Me.

For years I have loved, and kept coming back to John 15, and the words, images, invitation and commands there. When I've heard the words in the past, I've usually heard them as Jesus' invitation to me--to abide in Him. But what He says is, "Abide in me, and I in you." (John 15:4, ESV). (Other versions use "remain," and I think of that word too.)  However this song turns it around, and invites Jesus to "abide in me, let my branches bear Your fruit."

One season has ended, a new one is beginning. Maybe it's not that significant, but then again, maybe it is. Just over three years ago a friend and I started Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius, and that was the guidance for daily prayer time for about 13 months. It was life-changing. I want to go through it again sometime. Then, for two years we've used A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants. This one has also been wonderful. I'll probably come back to it too. 

In these past three years the daily readings and prayer times have taken me deeper with the Lord, often through shorter Scripture passages, and a different way of interacting with Him, hearing Him, and it has been beautiful!

And yet, after three years, I'm feeling like it's been a long time since I've read lots of parts of the Bible. I'm wanting to go back at it again, to read it again, to hear it again. I want to hear and see the themes again, from where I am now. I want to know what the Lord might say to me this time.

And so now it's a two year plan (still not very fast) of simply reading through the whole bible again, extending this plan (I DO like reading in various places!) to 104 weeks.

And I've been trying to find an expression for what I am looking for, or for what I feel the Lord is inviting me to now. There are several parts to it, but this song just might summarize a fair bit of it.

Nice!

Even me

I dare to believe

You look on

Notice

And consider

Even me

Yeah, I know

My perspective is probably off

I'm not seeing correctly

I'm frustrated and overwhelmed

By problems

Many of which

Are my own making

And yet I dare to believe

I can come to You

Talk to You about it

You won't just brush me off

You won't nod and pretend You're listening

Meanwhile doing an internal eye roll

Whatever needs to be said

Whatever I need to hear

You'll look on me with 

   love

   grace

   dignity

And

   instruct

   lead

   guide

I dare to believe I can still come

Whatever it is

Whatever the reason

Oh I know

Arrogant or haughty is not the way

That might receive a different welcome

But 

   messed up

   confused

   overwhelmed

   disappointed in self

   the contrite and broken

These can come

And You receive

Even me

Press on!

I need to remember this...the thoughts that came after seeing and re-posting this picture and quote.

My initial thoughts:

I need to remember this, KEEP remembering this. 

THEN I thought...

Hey wait, no I don't. I don't do this anyways! I don't "limit [my] vision based on [my] current resources." I consistently pursue vision beyond my resources. My problem is that I later get discouraged when the getting there is long, when I can't figure out how to get to the realization of the vision. What's up with that?  

Hmm...Maybe how I need to rephrase this is.

"Remember, you didn't choose/set your vision based on resources currently available to you. You're going to need to keep trusting God, learning, pressing forward--for a long, long time! Don't be discouraged. Don't give up. When you fall flat on your face, take a breather if you need to, figure out what went wrong, get the help you need, learn how to do better, but then, get up and keep going. (And don't mope, and don't complain either!)." 

Ha! Mine is a little more wordy and a little less pithy than Michael Hyatt's, but...it's probably more what I need to hear. I like it! Thanks Michael Hyatt​ for helping me process this!

Press on, toward the vision

that is beyond your current resources.

Not Forgotten

I am

not forgotten

Thank You Lord

for the reminder

Just as through me

You reached out to a sister

on the other side of the world

You, through another sister

again, on the other side of the world

reached out to me

simply reminding me

I am not forgotten

It must have been You

that reminded her of me

in this oh-so-difficult time

We haven't connected in ages

she would have no way to know

except for You

putting me

on her mind

"You've been on my mind so much lately"

(and a little 'praying' emoticon)

Thank You

I am

not forgotten

We are

not forgotten

none of us

ever

This is the truth

This is what You promise

I will never leave you nor forsake you

With you always, to the end of the world

but we sometimes forget

or don't feel remembered

Yet You reach out to remind

Thank You

Thank you M.E. for listening to Him, hearing about me, for praying and for letting me know. No, I'm not on the verge of despair or anything that bad, but it has been a tough journey lately. Thank you for reminding me of His care, for letting Him use you to remind me. You blessed me today (well, actually, starting last night) sister!

the walking wounded

It's an amazing thing

that we can be

wounded

and yet walking

wounded

and yet reaching out to help others

we're just a community of broken ones

falling ones

stumbling ones

crawling ones

with strength enough

even when you are crawling

you can reach back

and give a hand to someone

stumbled in their crawl right beside you

or pause, to stop together and encourage

to keep crawling

I was amazed, three days ago, to be in a rough place myself, yet sensing the Lord tell me that a friend was struggling--to reach out, and ask, encourage. It turns out, she was struggling, really struggling. The next day, I was moved by the pain and struggle of another, and led to some tangible and specific ways to help, that really did help in the end. And then this became good for me too, to know His leading me, even in the midst of  my own struggle... and even there, in the absence of sensing His presence, ah, starting to note His presence. Mysterious, the way He works, the way He draws, the way He reminds.

Grace pours down...

If you, Lord, kept a record of sins, 

Lord who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness, 

so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

(Ps. 130:4-5)

Thank You Lord, for forgiveness, for grace.

Thank You for being "the lifter of my head" (Ps. 3:3)

Sin is real

Shame is real and can be so crippling

But You

Offer forgiveness

You

Don't want to

Are not willing to

See us forever bowed down

And the body

The Christian community

Should be a place that lives this out

Where we can come broken, contrite

And find acceptance, warmth, forgiveness

And strength to go on

Thank You for forgiveness and grace
Thank You for a body that lives this out
Thank You for family, that is real with each other

Semi-related thoughts that have come on this: 

I was tempted, yesterday, to not go to the Bible study. "What's the point?" I hadn't prepared (done my homework, hadn't even read the chapter, only listened to it once or twice. Certainly hadn't prayerfully considered the questions or written anything down). Didn't even have my notebook to write down the thoughts of others. And...I was late...but, I somehow still thought it was good to go.

Then, I had a memory, from 20+ years ago--sitting in church in a weeknight Bible study. The rows of chairs were facing forward. My dad was leading or teaching, sitting in one of the front rows, but not facing the people straight on. He was angled back toward them so they could hear him, but he was looking at the floor the whole time. It bugged me that he didn't look at everyone. I kept wanting to get his attention, thought of writing a note and handing it to him, "Look up, look at the people."

I don't know when we talked about it...maybe that night in the car going home. 

What he said, "You know [my name]..." and then what came was just how low he was feeling right then--how broken down, struggling, hurting. I didn't know the details, still don't, but I've later heard more of the stories and struggle from those years...

And I thought (and I STILL think), "What a shame!" The church should be the place where we can come and share our struggle, our brokenness. This is where we can come to learn to live out the reality of this Book we read, these truths we hold to. If we can't come and wrestle it out here, with these people, pray tell, where and when DO we learn to live out these truths? 

How sad, then, that my dad couldn't be real about the struggle. How sad, then, that there were very few being real about faith intersecting with life, and the learning to live it as a Christ-follower. Ah--when it would get talked about--when things got to an extreme--a "fall," a need for church discipline...  

I hope we are doing better now. I think we are.

It makes me wonder--how did I become one who would be vulnerable and real about it all? When and how did I realize--that if this faith is real, if this God is real, then He must also be real in the reality of life...no need to hide it, or cover it...

Sharing the journey

Glad to be there today

for her

glad to be me for her

glad to have had my journey

and freedom found

for it is the freedom she needs

I wish there had been someone like me

for me (is that weird to say?)

when I was her age

someone to tell me

they understood

it was normal, in some sense

how to find a way through

that all could be talked about

what part to be concerned about

what part

might actually not be much of  a problem

for me the freedom and insight came

fifteen years later

(and I'm thankful for the people I had then)

I'm glad for her

and proud of her courage

I see a beautiful heart

a heart You have made new

deeper in her

than the sin and the struggle

is the desire to live clean and free

that is You drawing

You leading

Your life

   that is stronger

   than any evil or darkness

at work and alive in her

Thank You for the journey

for mine

for hers

for this chance to journey together

what a privilege to be

a safe place

the first one

with whom she has shared

and I'm thankful for those

who were safe for me

How long do I have?

How long do I have

How long will I live

People die all the time

Some young

Some old

Thinking I have a 'vision' that will take another 15 years

Is no guarantee

When I go

What will I leave

What will remain

What will keep living

Long after I have breathed my last

Unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground

   and dies...

May there be something

    much even

That lives on, and on, and on

Forever

Never dying

(rambling thoughts after seeing a news piece...someone dies at 49...just 4 years older than I...)