Come to me...(again)

"Come to me," You said...again, still.

You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)

And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been

How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?

God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead

This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come


It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--

"Lo, I am with you," 
    to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
    grieved. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you. 

While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)

Picture this

^{Isa. 63:7-9, NLT}

⁷ I will tell of the Lord’s unfailing love.
    I will praise the Lord for all he has done.
  I will rejoice in his great goodness to Israel,
    which he has granted according to his mercy and love.
⁸ He said, “They are my very own people.
    Surely they will not betray me again.”
    And he became their Savior.
⁹ In all their suffering he also suffered,
    and he personally rescued them.
  In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
    He lifted them up and carried them
    through all the years.

"He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."

Three pictures come to mind... Oh wish I was an artist! I tried to sketch them, but didn't do too well. I do better with words...

Picture 1 is hands--His hands, cupped hands, me in the center. He is carrying me, He has carried me safely through the ages. I don't know my posture there in the cup of His hand, but I'm down in the lowest part, the safest part. Maybe I'm hiding (likely!). Maybe I'm sleeping. I might be quite oblivious to all that has gone on, especially the goodness and significance of it.

Picture 2--those same hands, me inside, but now the front of the hands--the tip, where the fingers come together--is shaped something like the front of a boat. And I...am getting a little curious. I am crawling up the fingers, peeking up over the top, still a little fearful, hiding, protected behind those strong fingers, but starting to anticipate.

Picture 3--All fear is gone. I'm still IN those hands, still carried, but now I'm standing up there at the front--looking forward, smiling, enjoying, riding the waves of it all.  (Hey, maybe I'm actually surfing!)  Maybe my hands are raised...

Picture 1 is what I know now. Picture 2 what I am starting to become. Picture 3 is what I will be.

(rough sketches)

To be a disciple, make disciples...

Am I a disciple?
Does what I teach, share and live before others others have a tendency to result in them being disciples?

For the first question: I thought I was, I thought I was intending to be one. And then I realized I really was NOT changing.  In the end, I'm not sure I really knew what that meant. I say, "Dallas Willard saved my life," my Christian life, that is--about nine years ago, picked up his book The Divine Conspiracy, flipping through, felt hope...and that was a turning point in my life.

About the second question: I realized what I was taught growing up, was really way off, it ignored much of the teaching of Scripture, especially how to live life in the kingdom now. Definitely a "believe these things about Jesus and then you'll get to heaven when you die" "gospel" that was preached. A non-accurate "gospel." (By the way, in session 5 I believe, he talks about realizing some of the same things himself--when a young minister, realizing what he was teaching wasn't changing lives. He tells about the truths that "saved his faith.")

In the past couple of weeks I've been in discussion about this author/speaker/philosopher, and heard about this video series, I've been listening again, and loving it! His manner and explanations are so inviting, calling me to godliness and goodness.

I truly thank God for, in this time in history, leading this man, leading me to that book when I was crying out for help, and leading me into a new life.

It's a 12 part series--here is part 1. Enjoy!

Where?

This is what I was asking
Where am I today Lord
Who am I
And...where are You

Where have I gone
Where have I been
How did I get there
But really, most important
How do I get back

Back...to...
Connected
To You

"Lost" seems a good way to describe this feeling
Uncertain
Unsure

Have I so lost myself in my many distractions
That I've lost complete sight of You
Gone too far away to hear Your voice
To know Your whisper

What I need most is Your perspective on life
Your eyes to see
Your ears
Your heart
To know Your love for me
And Your instruction
To know "we're good"

But I can't tell
I can't hear

Still, there was this sense
I don't like this feeling
But after all this time
I still know
No matter how it feels
You are still carrying me
And...that's kind of nice

And then I remembered
Jesus, they were spitting on Your face
and there You were, loving them
Only someone with a love like that,
Can I trust to love me to the end

And then I read
Ps. 32:10-11 (NIV) 

¹⁰ Many are the woes of the wicked,

    but the Lord’s unfailing love
    surrounds the one who trusts in him.

¹¹ Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous;
    sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Rom. 8:31-39 (NIV)

 ³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ...³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And then I knew

To my question, "Where am I?"

Your answer

    I'm in the middle of Your love,

    You are surrounding me

    Holding me

These struggles don't mean I'm away from Your love

In fact,

You are interceding for me in them

Thank You!

the crash

I kind of expected this to happen ... eventually. I came back all brave, determined to trust, to learn to trust. I still am--determined to trust, to learn to trust.

But I know it will be a huge and long process.

Life was already more than I can handle--the centre--running understaffed for too long, me behind in so many things, and with this tendency to get overwhelmed... and now to take on this new and bigger dream?

I knew I would need help, a few people to "tell me what to do." Actually, the thought that keeps coming to mind is they will need to "talk me down, talk me through."

And You provided them--two for sure, maybe three or four. Problem is, they are still waiting for me to organize how we will do this.

And there are others possibly able to help:

• Folks to help for the summer--some folks are willing, just waiting for me to tell them the dates and times. 
• And there are possible people to help with the "new" (exists only in the imagination) guys' summer camp--waiting for me to contact them--again, dates and times--but I don't know--how do I decide? Who should I talk to first? What age? When? What?

The problem is, there is so much to figure out before I can clearly go forward on any of this.

All the different categories, each with multiple facets, roaming around in my head. I make starts at organizing, can't focus, the tension becomes too great, and I run--run to distractions that are much more interesting. When I get to work--I can have a productive hour or two, then--no brain to go forward. How much is physical, emotional, spiritual?

Two days ago, I finally crashed. I was at the end. I didn't know what to do.
Over a period of time, the various thoughts were....

God, why did you pick me for this?
Pick someone else
Send someone else
Isn't there someone that could do a better job?
Oh, I'm happy to do it, and I want to.
It's just going to take a long time, for this shaping that has to happen in me.

In order to do the work I'm going to need to do.
It's not the most efficient way, God.

And then I felt sorry for God--must be pretty desperate.
Lacking good raw materials are we? And so You picked this one?
But then I realized, and I've known all along actually
Your ways, are not mine...You don't mind doing things totally different
What your plan might be for refining me, for growing me
There might be something quite glorious that results
But, oh, it is going to take a long time.

Then...thankfulness
Thank You Lord, for Your willingness to put so much effort into me
With how much there is to do, how stumbling and fallen and falling
And yet YOU... are committed to ME
You don't throw me away, or give up in frustration
Thank You!

And then, remembering some of the things I freshly discovered last year in the journey
the "journey to the cross" section:
Oh Jesus, I am SO GLAD You are not like me!
I so glad You didn't balk and run like I do.
I'm glad You faithfully followed through. 

Oh Jesus, teach me, somehow to be like You
Oh, I know You are
I know You will 

That's it...the story of a crash.
I survived.
I will survive.
And learn...much.

No "pretty" cross

I wanted something to help me focus, to remember. All of the crosses for sale...many were so beautiful. I'd seen a room done, the ironwork on the crosses--beautiful, and altogether it created a peaceful and meditative atmosphere. There is a time and a place for that.

But I decided, I didn't want to buy a pretty cross. I need, somehow, to have a cross that reminds me, that calls me, to suffer, to die.

Oh, the one I chose is still much prettier than the real thing. There are no nails. There is no blood... It is simple, small and black...it can sit in front of me.

Truth be told...I'd much prefer a pretty cross.

Even as I sit here, thinking of how I run from "my cross," I had the thought..."hmm...maybe I need to move that to front and center on my table." I was thinking that might help me meditate on it more.

NO, I don't need to meditate on it!  Even my not-so-pretty cross, is only meant to remind me to DO what He said to do. Jesus said to take up the cross and follow Him...I'd much rather look at it, analyze it, ponder it, think about how it's hard, write a blog post about it. I'd rather do all of these things than actually pick up mine and carry it.

But I need to pick it up.
The problem with me, is I want to choose my cross. I want to choose my death.
There are some that are much nicer than others.
But it is the one before me that is mine to carry.
Anyone who doesn't pick it up, is not worthy of Him.
I need no pretty cross.
I probably don't even need this one.
I DO need to learn to pick up my cross, to die daily.