Blessing For the Place Between

When you come
to the place between.

When you have left
what you held
most dear.

When you are traveling
toward the life
you know not.

When you arrive
at the hardest ground.

May it become
for you
a place to rest.

May it become
for you
a place to dream.

May the pain
that has pressed itself
into you
give way
to vision,
to knowing.

May the morning
make of it
an altar,
a path,
a place to begin
again.

by Jan Richardson
from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief

Working Around the Abyss

I need to spend some time with You today Lord, "working around the hole of my pain" (an idea from Nouwen, see below). The pain, the emptiness...it's been calling out to me, with various reminders. And I'm tempted to run, and I've been busying myself in other places distracting myself, but it's always there. I need to come to You with it. I need to look at it, really look. Jesus, can we walk into it together?

We walk toward,
You're holding my hand.
I point
and with tears streaming down my face, look up to You
Here it is Lord
It hurts
So much...

From Henri Nouwen's, The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

Work Around Your Abyss
There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

Since the hole is is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.

Sad... and okay

A sadness envelops
At the close of this day
A sadness that is yearning
And processing
And grieving

I've been crying today for the guys
And thankful to have facilitated (Your guiding I think)
A safe place to share
And cry
All of them said
They had never shared like that before
"Didn't know where to find someone to tell," said one

Tears...
Such a valuable part of my journey
And they've been told
Sharing, and tears
Make you weak
How are they so quick to believe us?
Or, maybe they're just okay recognizing they ARE weak
We all are

And I'm crying for other things
So many other things...
It's just how it feels today
And that's okay

I cry before You
And You are here
And if I stop
If I stay
I might actually even feel You here

.....

Related...an excellent article read this week: Quit Burying Your Emptiness in Noise and Activity

From the article:
The silence we need is more than an absence of sound; it’s a break from constant stimulus and activity. It’s about allowing the tangled cords in our spirit and mind to unravel and be stilled. It’s about stopping the constant need to control our surroundings with our actions and words in a never-ending quest to drown out the unrest in our hearts. It’s about facing the dragon of emptiness, loneliness, frustration, anger, hurt, and need head on . . . and doing the soul-wrenching work of letting
Jesus deal with it.

Satan won...

Satan won
this time
for now
over this life

He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed

What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through

He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside

Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her

What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won

What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...

But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering

Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy

Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times

Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time

But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains

Grief coming on...

A grief coming on
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to

My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all

It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in

I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.

God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading

Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us

And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness

Death, part 2

Death came again
In ALL of its ugliness and horror
Leaving so much devastation
Those already hurting
Having suffered blows
Barely standing
Smacked again with this one
How will they handle it Lord
What happened
How...

What good could come out of this
What hope
How are they going to make it
I fear...some will be completely devastated
Beyond recovery

The tributes are being written
So many honouring the strength they saw
The encouragement they were given
One woman
Success and struggle
Pain and beauty
Gutsy, pushing limits, adventuresome
Hurting, hiding

... ... ...
 
NO
Not hiding
There was hurt
But she named it
Faced it

It's becoming more and more clear
The goodness left behind
There is a common theme
Her smile
Offered free
Strength of words and encouragement
Blessing many
The young, the weak, the broken, the rebels
Love for all
Love that didn't have to be earned
She saw the treasure in each one
Made each feel they were special, valued

Yes, there will be many tears
And much ache
For years to come
For the loss of one
Who meant so much
To so many
Who brightened the world
For so many

May we learn, and grow, and treasure
All that was good

And, oh, Lord, please wrap Your arms
Especially around her children

Death, part 1

Death comes, and catches us all by surprise
In an instant
Gone
(Well, this time, they had a few hours' notice)

It doesn't make sense
It doesn't fit
So much not yet right
So not the right time

When IS the right time for death?

Why it hurts...

Why does it hurt so bad?
I think I finally figured it out
Thank You!
It's because
I'm not one to give up
I don't
I don't give up hope
But in this case I have to
And it goes against everything in me
I've been so trained in
Still believing
Still hoping
"Maybe things will change"
And anything but
Is agony

(weird...that hoping is sometimes agony too!)

But...
I've walked away before
I've laid things down before
It was hard then too
Was there anything I learned then
And now
That will help?

This helps already
Realizing why it hurts
Hope, I guess,
Was never meant to die
It is the nature of hope
To keep hoping
And even when I think I don't have hope anymore
I'm still
(believe it or not)
Hoping

Lord, please, help this one to die, to rest.
It needs to
I need to go on
Thank You 
You know
You understand
You...are holding me now.

Weeping

For a pain I can't name
I don't understand
Well
I do
It's an ending
A finality
And it hurts

I've been here before
And I've seen the pain end
I think
I have hope
That it will pass soon

But for now
It has hit
With a surprising...
what...
intensity?
depth?
no...it's just a foggy sort of pain
undefined
non-articulated
it just sends tears

Grieving for "Hope"

How do I grieve for a dog
How do I get over my sadness about a dog's death
How do I get over the regret for my negligence that made it worse
And the wondering...
   should I have cancelled that meeting,
   tried harder to warm her up
She needed something more intensive
I know that now

I realize...
I have not known death
I have not known grief
And if it hurts this much for a dog
How much more must it hurt for a person

I facilitate grief support groups
I help teens have a place to work through their pain
And they say it helps
But...I have no idea what I'm talking about

That day, I really felt it
The realization that death is awful
We were not meant for death
It is foreign
It is horrible

I didn't want to deal with her body
Touching it
Feeling her cold
Feeling her stiff
   Was so hard
She wasn't supposed to be that way
And she was heavier
(oh, that's where the term "dead weight" comes from)
And I didn't want to be alone picking her up
Putting her into that bag

I thought
If someone else was me
And I was helping them
I could have done it better, easier
But just me
It was so hard

Now, I am still so reminded
I "see" her everywhere
At first it was hearing her barking and whining
(And I realize...all those times I thought she was barking and whining, weren't always her)
And then I see...the things yet to "clean up"
   the towels
   her box outside
   the cardboard bits
   the plant and flower bits
   (that day she was so 'puppyish')
   mopping--suddenly seeing paw prints on the bathroom floor

And then the memories
The way she would walk in circles on her towel before laying down
Day 2--how weak she was, head hanging, almost falling over, falling asleep
How she started to respond, look for me, want to come to me
The last night...wanting to come out, sick, wanting to be close, enjoying her head pat
And most painful, finding her that morning...

I'm so sorry I forgot about the bucket
I didn't know it would be so bad
I wonder how long you were there
What panic it must have been...stuck
How cold it must have been laying there

And that was the last straw
Your already weakened body
A couple of days of diarrhea
Did you eat anything at all that last day?
   Pretty much only your own poop
Too weak
Too cold
Too traumatized
And in the end you died

I didn't think I could come to so care for a puppy!
I didn't think I would so LOVE a puppy, so fast
I didn't think it would hurt this much
I don't understand it at all

And I don't know what my theology regarding animals is
But I find myself hoping I will someday see you in heaven
Where all is made right
Where all is forgiven and understood
I hope you know I tried
I hope you know I'm so sorry that I missed that one all important part!

I wonder how long I'll think about you
I wonder if I'll cry for you for more days than I knew you
I wonder what the deeper meaning is in all of this
Why God had you come into my life
I think I can see part of the picture
But...