Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
And yet I also choose to trust--in a God who is Sovereign over my days. Funny, trust was the very thing He and I were talking about earlier--another insight from R.H. Barton. She says that rather than being completely reliant on God, "We are much more accustomed to relying partly on God and partly on our own plans and thoughts if the issues at hand are really important." (p. 144, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership). She then quotes Merton, "Cowardice keeps us double minded--hisitating between the world and God. In this hesitation, there is no true faith--faith remains an opinion. We are never certain, because we never quite give in to the authority of an invisible God" (p. 145, emphasis added).
In my own plans, I may have attended the seminar, or the silent retreat. (The latter especially, I still think would have been really good.) Instead I have had to battle my own inability to sit still, my own distractedness, and at the end of it all, the last thing I did before leaving that quiet table (where I had finally become quiet) at 4:30 p.m., was a quiet prayer of thanksgiving, choosing to believe that in the not so perfect silence and listening--He loves me. He loves me, especially me!
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