Captured again

It amazes me, You know

How You do it

How You capture and inspire my heart

Again and again

Just when I wonder

If I'm too tired

If I'll ever know again

   the "me" that I'm meant to be

   the "me" that is alive to You

When I think I can't hear anymore

When I wonder if I'm dying

Or if I've permanently lost something

You capture my heart again

Last week it was through the book Chasing Fireflies. Oh my, what an amazing story! I cried several times (and laughed too). And through it, and by the end, and the author's personal reflection--You, pulling me, wrecking me actually, igniting again, or deepening, that passion for...to encourage and help young guys, to see them find healing and encouragement, to be amazing and good men--husbands, fathers--in the future!

I'm sure the messages I heard by N.T. Wright yesterday were also a part of renewing and refreshing, refocusing my eyes, my heart, reminding me of Your beauty, the privilege of having Your Word, of knowing Jesus.

Today, it is a song (or maybe more than one song...discovering a group I hadn't heard of--a few great songs!)--Wild Heart, by Urban Rescue. Yes, it brought tears...but maybe because I was needing to cry...to really connect again, or...first to acknowledge, that it's big, that it sometimes feels hard, very hard, and to bring it to You. But in this song, something touched me, something resonated...something in the song resonated with something already true and real and deep, down solid in me...

And in the tears

I know again

That I am alive

Ah...I know

I shouldn't doubt

You are the God who renews and refreshes

You promise to do these things

You, God of the resurrected Jesus

Of course You can resurrect

    and renew

    and revive

    even me.

Thank you.

Who will go...

Who will go into the pain
Who will go and sit
    where there is death
    where there is brokenness
    where there is helplessness
    where there are no answers

Who will be there when they
Come crawling for help?
Bring their dead?

Who will listen
maybe there is
    help He wants to give
    a solution
    healing

Who will
    give the help
    do what needs to be done
    say the words

Who will go there
and not hold back

Who will be
Jesus
in those situations
Not running from
    the uncertainty
    the risk of spectacle
    the consequences
    the personal cost
 
Jesus, forgive me. I have held back. Sometimes, I have been so unwilling, so not like You. Somehow I didn't believe You would come through. My eyes were blinded to what was really important. You wanted to do good, but I refused to be the one through whom You would bless. And in the end, we all lost out.

(from--reflections on Mt. 9:18-26, my own life and times I did not help, and the things J.Z. faced today, in the course of reaching out to help;  Dedicated to you J.Z.--you've chosen a profession of being willing for this, this day is why you were there...may you be renewed and strengthened as you have gone, given, and grieved with Jesus.)

What if...

What if
I had not gone through
All that pain last year

What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed

If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them

If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused

Maybe I'm starting to see...

Come Crawling

There she was
Desperate, needy
"if only I can touch Him"
She had tried everything else
All to no avail
Each time
Hope
Shattered

But still seeking
hoping
after 12 long years
this time it would be different
If only she could touch Him

I too come crawling
Seeking healing
Desperate
Don't dare to come too boldly
Not sure what I'd see in Your eyes
Or the eyes of others
If I came openly
Too afraid
Too ashamed
Yet
So needy
Nothing else has worked
And believe me, I've tried
I seek
A touch
A release from this misery
hoping
after several long years
that this time it will be different

(Luke 8)

Running...

from what
I wasn't sure
the intensity?
the reality?
all the things I used to face?
not sure
just knew I was running

I have been in danger of great falsity
all these years
calling others
to courage
to enter the wilderness
   of pain
   of grief
   of shame
   of loneliness
   of hurt
   of working things out with others

yes, it will be hard
but it is necessary
yes, it is confusing
but there is no other way
to wholeness
and healing

I know this
yet now I find
there are things I do not want to face
things too confusing
too painful
too unsure that it will be worth it
requiring too much energy
and hope I no longer have
for working things out with others

I have tried and failed
again and again

so I started running
I didn't know why
just knew I was running
reading, like a madwoman sometimes
stories--at least they resolve
easier than facing mine
with no resolution in sight

and yet the running
was to broken cisterns
drinking water
that did not satisfy

I realized
stopped running there
not totally stopped reading
but more thoughtfully, intentionally
and intentionally turning to God again

the irony
reading a book, The Sparrow,
has helped me turn
identified and put words
to the pain I feel
given words to cry out to God
expressing the pain
   the confusion
   the disillusionment

I sense a breakthrough
not yet resolution
but coming to an end of the running
and maybe a beginning
to finding a way
and the energy
to look again and listen for solutions
or to take the pain
without coming out on the other side
with a bitter and withered soul

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I don't know why I wrote that line

I don't know where it came from

Even as I wrote it I was a little puzzled

One of the last lines written

I had been writing all over one page

Summarizing what You had been saying

Over the previous 3 weeks

And then out came that line

The others were repeats

This one was brand new

That was 5 months ago.

In the past couple of weeks I've thought of that line twice

And felt, "I almost know," or maybe "I think can almost catch a glimpse of it"

There has been so much unknown

So much pain

So much confusion

So much I don't understand

So much where...I just don't know what to do

All I have tried to do

To honour You in the follow through

Has failed

And I have ended up here

Empty

And broken

Picking through the pieces

Disheartened

Trying to understand...

Which parts...?

Where did I go wrong?

What did others do wrong?

What parts are for me to forgive?

What do I need to change?

What needs healing?

The pieces...

a muddled mess

a puzzle

with no box

no picture

to guide and know how it is supposed to look in the end

I still don't see the picture

Just a deeper awareness that there is one

And it may make sense one day

"Someday I will know how You were holding me now"

I lean into pain

I lean into pain...I think that's it, that's how it looks for me. That's how I am my Father's daughter.

Jamie TVWM wrote: "In the same way, when you lean hard into the gifts that God his given you and when you pour your might, spirit, and heart into those gifts, then you reflect beautifully on your Father in heaven.

You get to lay it all out there! And then remember that Shame and Pride have lost their place in your world - You are simply your Father's son. "

I lean into pain.

• Wednesday morning on the steps of the courthouse, waiting with friends for their divorce proceedings to begin (later postponed due to the other party not coming). 
• That night another struggling.
• This week a colleague has been out searching for our new students--stories of pain and struggle--the one with no parents, yes, we're taking her for sure.
• Tonight a call--a sister hurting, mom feared for her life last night when dad beat her.  Now she's bringing mom to her city, courageously doing what she can, yet hurting.

I love that line: "lean hard into the gifts that God has given you, " and then recognizing that "I'm my Father's daughter."

Not sure I fully live this yet. Too much insecurity and wondering. And then also too much pride and shame.  

Yet...I've also backed away from some pain in recent months. What's with that?

Don't know how this "I lean into pain" idea popped into my head, but it fits--the life I live and the work I do...lean in, to join with others in the pain, help find healing, relief... Perhaps it also fits the attitude I need to adopt in facing this other pain.

I want to live this more and more. I need to really lean in, to enter into some of the even closer pain, quit pulling back, quit flinching.  

I'm my Father's daughter. I'm meant to lean in.

A Decision...

A decision made

For sanity

For boundaries

For time and space to recover and heal

In the working through to forgiveness and restoration

I still am not sure where the boundaries are

And that I could do better next time

So...in spite of the "need" that compels

I chose for space

Distance from the hassle

And heart struggle

Until perspective can be regained

Reconciliation at a slower

More measured pace

The decision is somewhat painful

And yet hopeful

I feel a peace

I had not quite expected

Healing Love

Is this how it is then
Just one long, never-ending journey
Growing deeper into Your love
Finding that the healing needed
Goes deeper still

For those who barely or don't yet know You
I so often see their need
And know it is You--

He needs Your powerful, unconditional love
You, Your love can
   Heal the wounds of childhood
   Give him the safety he lacks
   Free him from his over-sensitivity
   Give him confidence
   Enable him to become who he was meant to be

Your Love is what she needs
   To free her from the self-deception
   Thinking that comments of others don't affect
   When they do

They need You
And yet
So many more years down the road of knowing Your love
I, too, am just beginning

Does it mean I don't yet know Your love?
That I have not yet received and been healed and freed by your love?
That I don't yet live in Your love?

No...
I do
I have
I know and am living in Your love

Yet the need goes so much deeper
And Your love is so much grander

There are parts of my soul not yet touched
Not yet awakened

Here I am Jesus
Again
Still
On this journey
Of finding You
Of seeing You
Of seeking You

Show me, teach me, of Your love
Teach me to receive
And to live in Your love

Work the healing for now
And the healing to come

Thank You
this love
You
Forever, this journey   

It's ALL plus

So I started the Journey yesterday, Journey with Jesus.

I didn't get through the exercises this morning. My roommate had to knock on my door to get me up for prayer time...I WAS in bed by midnight last night, which was very good, but didn't sleep for a long time...not used to it yet I guess.

So the exercises...I didn't get through them this morning. And I didn't do the full examen today at noon. And I realized that yesterday I didn't pray the examen quite right--I focussed on a couple of the important questions, but missed some important parts.

But it's really okay, because on this journey, everything is a great big PLUS. All that I do, that I'm learning to do, is directing me to Jesus, drawing me to Him.

When I answered the question "When and how did you feel the love of God today?" It wasn't too nice to confess that...I hadn't. But if I hadn't, now I'm aware that I have been missing it, and I can ask.  Oh Lord, help me to see. Today when I asked myself...one answer: that I'm still here, that He still loves me, that He still gives another day, more chances. Last night reflecting on the grace I'm asking for at this time--growing awareness of the love of God--at one point I thought, "but, oh Lord, I can't just ask for me."  It felt like this could all get so selfish--just praying and seeking about what's in my heart and my relationship with God...but I must also ask for others. But that's just it, isn't it? An awareness of the love of God for me WILL lead me to think of others. His love just works that way.

So, even while I'm not getting the steps quite right, and my time and my schedule are not yet where they are supposed to be, it's all a plus...all that I do, do, every moment turned toward Him, with Him, learning to live in His presence, is good.

Tonight I know to do the part about asking Him to make me aware of my sin in the examen. Yeah...well there are some I'm already aware of...some already apologized for and confessed today. It seems there may be a whole truckload...and tears. But...who knows, maybe there I'll feel His love for me.

It's all a plus, and...I just might be coming alive again!

Undone

I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed

Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose

And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul

broken

 

That staff
It's broken now
And so am I

Any worship
Any service
Is broken 
    incomplete
    imperfect 

Much not known
Much not 'together'

But You are the Healer
    Redeemer
The one who takes what's shattered
And redeems
    renews

And I will worship
This life was meant to give glory to You
To worship You
I have found no other
Worthy of my adoration
Worthy of following for a lifetime
I have found no other
    Healer
    Redeemer

Broken, fallen
I keep crawling to You
Because I know You receive
You restore
You renew
and You will never stop loving 
    even the broken
    even me

You, My Hope

With all that is in me
All the passion left in this soul of mine
I cling to You

God, You are my hope
My refuge
You are the one
Who will make a way through this
You are the one
Who will take me safely to the end

Me,
Passionate one
Who sometimes wonders if the passion is dying
Who sometimes wonders if there is any hope left


My hope in people
Is greatly diminished
My hope in You
Is still there

With all the passion that is in me
I hope in You
You, Great God
You, Lover of Me
I hope in You

Can't dying just be easy?

It seems the next steps for me will involve an awfull lot of dying. 
And dying is painful.

Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.

But dying is hard.

Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...

I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.

Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me...  May I live in Your love as I die.

Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.

As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.  

Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.

So many disappointments...

If you are going to pursue healing, then it seems you need to investigate the nature of the wound. I am investigating.

I thought the wound was needing forgiveness for healing to take place. True, I've been in the process of figuring out my anger, and choosing to forgive. Forgiveness has been and is part of the process. Am I done? Is everything forgiven? I'm not totally sure, but, as I've spent some concentrated time thinking and praying around the issues and relationships that feel painful these days, I've come to the conclusion, forgiveness is not the issue, disappointment is.

Related, and driving the point home even further, I just went skimming through my email 'drafts' folder--oh, so many emails never sent. And some of the "top on my radar" disappointments show up in there too.

God, what do I do with these? Why do they hurt so bad? How do I learn to better cope with the disappointments of life? And, that some have piled up over the years--is that a sign of unforgiveness, or that I just need to set clear boundaries, at least in my mind, around (or between) myself and certain individuals?

My response, at this point, is to shut down, to not care, to not engage. It's too big. It's too risky. It's too painful. Oh, I'm not shutting down and "not engaging" with everyone, but definitely with these ones, and all that concerns them. My guard is up and high, and I want to keep it up. Beware, I tell myself, don't trust them again, don't trust the friendly conversation, you can be friendly, but don't share your heart. Oh yeah, and isn't that the way to live!

This is where I am today. These are the questions, this is the awareness of my heart pain. This is the me I bring to the Healer. Teach me your ways, O God. God I want to see.

Come to me...

I don't think it's the first time He said it, but He said it again today. I think it's supposed to be the theme of this next season.

Come to me

Come to me
  Don't come to fix things
  Don't worry about figuring everything out
  Come to me, it will be okay

Come to me
  I will teach you 
  I will lead you
  
Come to me
  You don't need to be afraid
  I will take care of you

Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
  
 

Do You Want to be Healed?

So...I'm going with it. 

Earlier I said I 'thought' my one word for 2012 would be Healing, but I wasn't sure. My hesitancy mostly related to how it seemed too passive a word, and that is not the kind of healing I'm talking about or feeling the need to pursue in 2012. I'm talking about something more like intense, active physiotherapy, than sleep. And in that vein...I'm going with it.

Where this journey will take me...I don't know yet.
What is needed...I'm not totally sure.
I will come here to post what I'm learning along the journey.

Today was my 'silent' day. Most Monday's are off, and I disengage from people locally. I pulled out my iPod this evening, and listened to Menlo Park Presbyterian Church's New Year service. The message centres around John 5 and Jesus asking the man by the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be healed?"

So I ask myself... Do I really want the healing I say I want? I see the need for some changes, I see some brokenness. In some areas I can answer with a very honest "yes!"--these are the root areas, in me, the areas in which I see the way to healing as being spending time in God's presence, learning to know Him more, having Him reveal, touch and heal those places.

But then there are other places. I've noticed some patterns lately, especially when it comes to difficult things to work out with other people. When it's awkward, and I see no way forward, and I am busy...I just put it off. And the problem stays, and it happens again and again. Do I want healing in this? Do I want to learn and start practising new ways of coping with difficult relationships? Yes...but... how, where do I start? I'm going to need some insight, and I'll need to start small, maybe with some other people. For these big ones, that have happened over and over...I don't know if I even want to bother.

Lord, this is me here before You...please lead...

One Word...

Not quite sure how I stumbled upon it, one blog click to the next I suppose, but it is an intriguing idea.

Choose one word for the year (See OneWord 2011, and here is someone reflecting on the past year and next), then focus in, think often on it, let it influence your decisions, shape the way you live.

I've wondered. I've prayed. Lord, is there one word for me for 2012. One came to mind. Not yet totally sure, but I think it might be:

Healing  
...to pursue in the depths
...to pursue with other people
...to pursue for other people
...to pursue in relation to time and space
...to pray for it around me
...to pray for it in me
...to learn about how it happens
...to know the Healer



Updated: Click the One Word graphic to learn about others doing this

Why this pain?

Why this pain, Lord?
What is its source?
Why...
As I look back over my life
I see some patterns
That hint at a 'soul wound'

'Soul wound'...that's the name I gave it
a few years ago 
as I started to enter in
and wonder
but could not find the source

And I still don't know the source
Some people remember back
To a traumatic childhood event
Or a series of events
Or words that were spoken 
That never should have been
Or words that were simply misinterpreted
By a child heart too small to understand

But I cannot find the source
I wonder if it goes further back 
Than could possibly remember
If it is sourced before my time
But I don't yet know

I stay around the wound*
I keep coming back to it

I ask you, Jesus
To lead
Be my Healer
Be my Deliverer
Lead me to the freedom You have for me
So that I will be free
to truly love
to truly be You to others
Or simply be 
True and freely
Your child.

*stay around the wound idea from H. Nouwen