What if...

What if
I had not gone through
All that pain last year

What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed

If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them

If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused

Maybe I'm starting to see...

Come Crawling

There she was
Desperate, needy
"if only I can touch Him"
She had tried everything else
All to no avail
Each time
Hope
Shattered

But still seeking
hoping
after 12 long years
this time it would be different
If only she could touch Him

I too come crawling
Seeking healing
Desperate
Don't dare to come too boldly
Not sure what I'd see in Your eyes
Or the eyes of others
If I came openly
Too afraid
Too ashamed
Yet
So needy
Nothing else has worked
And believe me, I've tried
I seek
A touch
A release from this misery
hoping
after several long years
that this time it will be different

(Luke 8)

Running...

from what
I wasn't sure
the intensity?
the reality?
all the things I used to face?
not sure
just knew I was running

I have been in danger of great falsity
all these years
calling others
to courage
to enter the wilderness
   of pain
   of grief
   of shame
   of loneliness
   of hurt
   of working things out with others

yes, it will be hard
but it is necessary
yes, it is confusing
but there is no other way
to wholeness
and healing

I know this
yet now I find
there are things I do not want to face
things too confusing
too painful
too unsure that it will be worth it
requiring too much energy
and hope I no longer have
for working things out with others

I have tried and failed
again and again

so I started running
I didn't know why
just knew I was running
reading, like a madwoman sometimes
stories--at least they resolve
easier than facing mine
with no resolution in sight

and yet the running
was to broken cisterns
drinking water
that did not satisfy

I realized
stopped running there
not totally stopped reading
but more thoughtfully, intentionally
and intentionally turning to God again

the irony
reading a book, The Sparrow,
has helped me turn
identified and put words
to the pain I feel
given words to cry out to God
expressing the pain
   the confusion
   the disillusionment

I sense a breakthrough
not yet resolution
but coming to an end of the running
and maybe a beginning
to finding a way
and the energy
to look again and listen for solutions
or to take the pain
without coming out on the other side
with a bitter and withered soul

A Decision...

A decision made

For sanity

For boundaries

For time and space to recover and heal

In the working through to forgiveness and restoration

I still am not sure where the boundaries are

And that I could do better next time

So...in spite of the "need" that compels

I chose for space

Distance from the hassle

And heart struggle

Until perspective can be regained

Reconciliation at a slower

More measured pace

The decision is somewhat painful

And yet hopeful

I feel a peace

I had not quite expected

Healing Love

Is this how it is then
Just one long, never-ending journey
Growing deeper into Your love
Finding that the healing needed
Goes deeper still

For those who barely or don't yet know You
I so often see their need
And know it is You--

He needs Your powerful, unconditional love
You, Your love can
   Heal the wounds of childhood
   Give him the safety he lacks
   Free him from his over-sensitivity
   Give him confidence
   Enable him to become who he was meant to be

Your Love is what she needs
   To free her from the self-deception
   Thinking that comments of others don't affect
   When they do

They need You
And yet
So many more years down the road of knowing Your love
I, too, am just beginning

Does it mean I don't yet know Your love?
That I have not yet received and been healed and freed by your love?
That I don't yet live in Your love?

No...
I do
I have
I know and am living in Your love

Yet the need goes so much deeper
And Your love is so much grander

There are parts of my soul not yet touched
Not yet awakened

Here I am Jesus
Again
Still
On this journey
Of finding You
Of seeing You
Of seeking You

Show me, teach me, of Your love
Teach me to receive
And to live in Your love

Work the healing for now
And the healing to come

Thank You
this love
You
Forever, this journey   

It's ALL plus

So I started the Journey yesterday, Journey with Jesus.

I didn't get through the exercises this morning. My roommate had to knock on my door to get me up for prayer time...I WAS in bed by midnight last night, which was very good, but didn't sleep for a long time...not used to it yet I guess.

So the exercises...I didn't get through them this morning. And I didn't do the full examen today at noon. And I realized that yesterday I didn't pray the examen quite right--I focussed on a couple of the important questions, but missed some important parts.

But it's really okay, because on this journey, everything is a great big PLUS. All that I do, that I'm learning to do, is directing me to Jesus, drawing me to Him.

When I answered the question "When and how did you feel the love of God today?" It wasn't too nice to confess that...I hadn't. But if I hadn't, now I'm aware that I have been missing it, and I can ask.  Oh Lord, help me to see. Today when I asked myself...one answer: that I'm still here, that He still loves me, that He still gives another day, more chances. Last night reflecting on the grace I'm asking for at this time--growing awareness of the love of God--at one point I thought, "but, oh Lord, I can't just ask for me."  It felt like this could all get so selfish--just praying and seeking about what's in my heart and my relationship with God...but I must also ask for others. But that's just it, isn't it? An awareness of the love of God for me WILL lead me to think of others. His love just works that way.

So, even while I'm not getting the steps quite right, and my time and my schedule are not yet where they are supposed to be, it's all a plus...all that I do, do, every moment turned toward Him, with Him, learning to live in His presence, is good.

Tonight I know to do the part about asking Him to make me aware of my sin in the examen. Yeah...well there are some I'm already aware of...some already apologized for and confessed today. It seems there may be a whole truckload...and tears. But...who knows, maybe there I'll feel His love for me.

It's all a plus, and...I just might be coming alive again!

Undone

I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed

Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose

And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul

broken

 

That staff
It's broken now
And so am I

Any worship
Any service
Is broken 
    incomplete
    imperfect 

Much not known
Much not 'together'

But You are the Healer
    Redeemer
The one who takes what's shattered
And redeems
    renews

And I will worship
This life was meant to give glory to You
To worship You
I have found no other
Worthy of my adoration
Worthy of following for a lifetime
I have found no other
    Healer
    Redeemer

Broken, fallen
I keep crawling to You
Because I know You receive
You restore
You renew
and You will never stop loving 
    even the broken
    even me

Can't dying just be easy?

It seems the next steps for me will involve an awfull lot of dying. 
And dying is painful.

Oh this is a good dying, to stuff that I need and want (sort of) to die to. Well, at least I don't want to live the results, to be the person I will become if I do not die.

But dying is hard.

Fortunately, Jesus is my teacher, and He did the dying thing rather perfectly. He "emptied Himself". He took up His real and literal cross. He invites me to a daily death and much better resurrection...

I need to empty myself.
I need to let go of my ideas about my own importance and correctness.
I need to die to ownership of projects--this is all Yours Lord.
I need to put to death all anger and jealousy, all malice. (Oh dear, I fear in the waiting, they have grown roots.)
I need to humbly admit my failings. Probably there will be humble apologies too.

Oh Jesus...I'm scared.
I can't do this unless I know you're leading me, unless I know You're speaking to me, and that I can hear You. Please show me...  May I live in Your love as I die.

Last week You said, "Come to Me". I need to remember that, keep remembering that, and keep coming to YOU.

As I come to You and look at You, perhaps some of these things will die quite naturally, more easily fall away. But I expect there are some hard and brittle bits that will only leave by serious cutting and scraping--serious heart searching and some hard conversations with others.  

Now to spend time planning, going forward. And...I need to recruit some buddies that will cheer me along in the process, maybe give perspective, ideas, and hope for those hard conversations.

So many disappointments...

If you are going to pursue healing, then it seems you need to investigate the nature of the wound. I am investigating.

I thought the wound was needing forgiveness for healing to take place. True, I've been in the process of figuring out my anger, and choosing to forgive. Forgiveness has been and is part of the process. Am I done? Is everything forgiven? I'm not totally sure, but, as I've spent some concentrated time thinking and praying around the issues and relationships that feel painful these days, I've come to the conclusion, forgiveness is not the issue, disappointment is.

Related, and driving the point home even further, I just went skimming through my email 'drafts' folder--oh, so many emails never sent. And some of the "top on my radar" disappointments show up in there too.

God, what do I do with these? Why do they hurt so bad? How do I learn to better cope with the disappointments of life? And, that some have piled up over the years--is that a sign of unforgiveness, or that I just need to set clear boundaries, at least in my mind, around (or between) myself and certain individuals?

My response, at this point, is to shut down, to not care, to not engage. It's too big. It's too risky. It's too painful. Oh, I'm not shutting down and "not engaging" with everyone, but definitely with these ones, and all that concerns them. My guard is up and high, and I want to keep it up. Beware, I tell myself, don't trust them again, don't trust the friendly conversation, you can be friendly, but don't share your heart. Oh yeah, and isn't that the way to live!

This is where I am today. These are the questions, this is the awareness of my heart pain. This is the me I bring to the Healer. Teach me your ways, O God. God I want to see.

Come to me...

I don't think it's the first time He said it, but He said it again today. I think it's supposed to be the theme of this next season.

Come to me

Come to me
  Don't come to fix things
  Don't worry about figuring everything out
  Come to me, it will be okay

Come to me
  I will teach you 
  I will lead you
  
Come to me
  You don't need to be afraid
  I will take care of you

Jesus, I turn toward You, I'm facing You, I'm coming toward You. I'm looking at You, and though I don't see You very clearly, I trust You will lead me, guide me. You will give the rest I need. You will teach me Your ways. Teach me Lord, Lead me Lord.
  
 

I didn't yet say...

I didn't yet note, did I?
That 2012 MUST NOT continue like its first day!

Oh the first day was good in some ways
Great and meaningful messages shared with students
Wrapping up with the final sessions for both the guys' and the girls' courses

We didn't intend for it to be so crazy
A 12+ hour work day, with sessions over-lapping
(It was Sunday, a rest day, and Sabbath for many in this world)
Crazy scheduling and changes at the school these students attend
...requires a lot of flexibility
Not much we could do

But the day was long
And I have lived and worked too many long days
In my life
and in 2011

In 2012
Things must be different

Next week, we meet and finish planning
And the plans we make
Will much determine the length of the days 
In the first half of 2012

Lord...lead us...Give your wisdom, lend Your fear

Do You Want to be Healed?

So...I'm going with it. 

Earlier I said I 'thought' my one word for 2012 would be Healing, but I wasn't sure. My hesitancy mostly related to how it seemed too passive a word, and that is not the kind of healing I'm talking about or feeling the need to pursue in 2012. I'm talking about something more like intense, active physiotherapy, than sleep. And in that vein...I'm going with it.

Where this journey will take me...I don't know yet.
What is needed...I'm not totally sure.
I will come here to post what I'm learning along the journey.

Today was my 'silent' day. Most Monday's are off, and I disengage from people locally. I pulled out my iPod this evening, and listened to Menlo Park Presbyterian Church's New Year service. The message centres around John 5 and Jesus asking the man by the pool of Bethesda, "Do you want to be healed?"

So I ask myself... Do I really want the healing I say I want? I see the need for some changes, I see some brokenness. In some areas I can answer with a very honest "yes!"--these are the root areas, in me, the areas in which I see the way to healing as being spending time in God's presence, learning to know Him more, having Him reveal, touch and heal those places.

But then there are other places. I've noticed some patterns lately, especially when it comes to difficult things to work out with other people. When it's awkward, and I see no way forward, and I am busy...I just put it off. And the problem stays, and it happens again and again. Do I want healing in this? Do I want to learn and start practising new ways of coping with difficult relationships? Yes...but... how, where do I start? I'm going to need some insight, and I'll need to start small, maybe with some other people. For these big ones, that have happened over and over...I don't know if I even want to bother.

Lord, this is me here before You...please lead...

Welcome 2012

Here it is--the new year.
Tomorrow I start my year immersed in "learning from Jesus"...whatever that quite means... 
I'll start my reading and meditating in Matt. 5-7--reading over and over. John 13-17 (or 14-16) will be big too I think, and then just lots of being in the gospels, learning to talk to and walk with Jesus.  I have no idea how this is going to work. It's a little scary.

But...here's to 2012.
Lord, teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom.

One Word...

Not quite sure how I stumbled upon it, one blog click to the next I suppose, but it is an intriguing idea.

Choose one word for the year (See OneWord 2011, and here is someone reflecting on the past year and next), then focus in, think often on it, let it influence your decisions, shape the way you live.

I've wondered. I've prayed. Lord, is there one word for me for 2012. One came to mind. Not yet totally sure, but I think it might be:

Healing  
...to pursue in the depths
...to pursue with other people
...to pursue for other people
...to pursue in relation to time and space
...to pray for it around me
...to pray for it in me
...to learn about how it happens
...to know the Healer



Updated: Click the One Word graphic to learn about others doing this