Known

"I Shall Know Him"

I enjoyed the song today

Showed up on my FB feed

"...by the prints of the nails in His hand"

I get it...it's a song of thankfulness

For what You've done Jesus

And I thank You

But I don't think I'll need to search

To look at Your hands

To check

To make sure it's You

I suspect

I'll know You

Just by looking in Your eyes

Knowing that You know me

You, the only One who has known me completely

Loved me completely

I shall know You, 

And be eternally thankful

For how You have known me

And walked with me

Ever-loving

Ever-guiding

And all You've done for me

I shall know You

And I shall love You

Tell me...

Tell me You think I'm beautiful
And that You love me
Just the way I am

Tell me again
and again

You did
It was wonderful
It was enough

But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters

Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."

If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think

Enough

I started listening to John's writing
As I walked the track this morning
And I wondered about you
I've wondered before but today I wondered again

Weird...
As soon as I heard the words
That you had come from God
As witness
An incredible longing welled up inside me
A longing to be close to God
To hear His voice
As though you must have known that
With this calling of yours
To know you were chosen,
Had a purpose, and a task

But then I wondered, if you really felt that close
And remembered...later
The doubt and despair you must have felt
As you languished in prison
For you sent your disciples asking
Revealing your doubts

But you had seen amazing things
Much earler, you had heard from God
How to recognize Him
And then it happened
You saw the Spirit land on Him like a dove
And a voice...
On that day, you knew
You really knew
Bet you were so sure of who He was
And why He had come
And how your whole life
Fit in the plan
I wonder if you thought
You would never doubt again

But you did
You doubted
Life became very dark
What were you thinking and feeling
In those very last moments
When they came for you
When you realized you were living your last minutes, seconds
Did a peace, a strength, fill you
Did He come close to comfort
That you would know His presence
I hope so
I wish it were so
I do not doubt God's presence was there
Watching, hurting perhaps
Giving you strength enough
I just don't know if you actually felt it as enough

But it was enough
To endure
Faithful to the end

I guess that's how it goes, doesn't it
This faith journey
Yours and mine
There are times of knowing, being so sure
But even after those times
Doubt
Darkness
Struggle
Crying out to make sense of it all
And no miraculous release

Did the answers satisfy
Was it enough
You asked
He answered
Reminding you of the prophecies
I'd like to think they did
Beautiful, isn't it
He didn't mind your questions
Didn't tell you off for doubting
But answered
I'd like to think the answer received then
Was enough
To strengthen those days
And make it to the end

Yes, that is how it goes
The visions
The hearing
The amazing proofs
Followed by darkness
Doubting
Questions
Wondering
Little bits of strengthening come
Various ways
Different times
Strength enough to get through that day
And then the next
Barely getting through it seems
But
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it to the end

For me there will be
Strength enough
Faith enough
To make it
 

Christ the King

Prayer for Christ the King Sunday
Almighty and everlasting God, whose will it is to restore all things in your well-beloved Son, the King of kings and Lord of lords: Mercifully grant that the peoples of the earth, divided and enslaved by sin, may be freed and brought together under his most gracious rule; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. 

   ----------------
 
Luke 8:22-56

Jesus, You are King over the storms, King over demons, King over sickness, and even King over death. All the storms that arise, You can wake up and still them, then turn and look at me and say, "Where is your faith?" "Where is my faith?" Didn't I turn to You for help in it? Ah, yes, but it was more out of desperation. I wasn't really convinced you would calm the storm and see me through. King Jesus--Your heart is to free, and to heal, and to give life.

And You make demands on us
You demand more faith
And you demand that faith be recognized, commended
To the woman--You demanded she acknowledge
You wanted her to be seen and known
You wanted her to own her story of weakness, failure, healing and mercy

   ----------------

Jesus, the storms have come
The boat looks like it's sinking
Save us, please, we're going to drown
Where's my faith?
I believe
Help my unbelief

Cast out of me all that is evil and vile
Cleanse me
These demons within
My constant companions
Intrinsically mine
I so don't want them
Yet am helpless to free myself

The failure, the pain
I have come crawling to You for healing
I wanted, I thought, a quiet healing
But, NO, You demand so much more
You demand I stand
For all to see
Head held high
That my story
That Your mercy, healing and love
Be known
And so, that which is my shame
I share
That they, too, might know

Things dead
Dreams long forgotten
Hope...so long "sleeping"
Even that
Are You coming to 
Resurrect?
It's laughable
(Sometimes laughing
Is easier than hoping)
Do what You will
The miracle
Astound us
Astound me
And bring them out alive 
 

What a wait...

You called me
I followed
What a ride it's been
But I don't know what to do
With where I am now

These last weeks
Entering Jerusalem
So excited
Triumphant
Victorious

But then, the turning
You, captured
Tortured
Crucified
Dead
I thought my heart would break
I thought I would die
Wanted to die

All hope died
Despair
Darkness

The numbness was just barely setting in
When You came again
First the rumours
Then
Seeing You
Walking through walls
Speaking peace
Then
Disappearing

Jesus
Why do You disappear again
When we've just finally seen You?

Before
Daily in Your Presence
So sweet
All of us together
Now
You're alive
But You're not here
Why does it feel so empty?
What am I supposed to do?

Last night
Finally
Something to break the boredom
The tension
This waiting
Peter, (Ah, bless you Peter!)
Takes us fishing

A diversion
A distraction
Anything is welcome
I almost didn't mind
That we didn't catch anything
The fruitless labour
At least we were doing something
Something to take my mind off
The meaninglessness
The wondering
The uselessness
Of waiting

And suddenly
You show up
Couldn't You have come yesterday?
Or the day before?
No, today
And turn this uselessness
Into a great catch
But one we didn't need
Because
There You were
With the meal prepared

I ask
What's it all about?
What am I to do?
How do I endure this crazy uselessness?
I ask
But You...
Only look at me
Say nothing

I wait
Puzzled
Confused
Disappointed
Again

As You give me
Fish
And bread
That You have prepared
Not that I have caught
I realize
I know
You are asking me
To keep waiting
Trusting
Your provision

In time You will come
Give direction
Send us out
To change the world


That is the danger, and this is the message for me, isn't it Lord? The danger is...that I would jump into fruitless labour, just to "be doing something," glad to finally have direction and focus again. I sense You are starting to speak, lead me forward, but I heed this caution. Each step, each plan, only moving forward as it is led by You, directed by You...  Thank You Jesus!

Jesus is Risen. Jesus is Risen Indeed. Alleluia!

Resurrection
Life
Light
Joy
Power
Overcoming

For the next four weeks in the journey, the grace for which I'm asking is: 

The ability to rejoice and be intensely glad

because of the great glory and joy of Jesus,

my risen Lord.

Oh, how I need this Lord, now, and forever. This is the life to which You have called us. Sometimes I've tasted it. Sometimes I've lived it. But oh how I need this more! Work something deep in me, please Lord, over these next four weeks. Help me to really know and live Your resurrected life, as you want me to, for Your glory.

And it reminds me of this passage, this is also my prayer for myself, and my friends on the journey:

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

Eph. 1:17-21, NIV

 May I reach deeper, know greater strength, greater joy.

In the Tomb

Here I sit, in the tomb, before Your broken body. I'm so glad it's over--Your suffering, Your pain--finally, at an end. And I'm glad I don't have to watch You in it anymore either. Don't know how much more I could take, knowing it is good and right and necessary, and yet so horrible and evil all at the same time.

Thank You Jesus, for doing this for me. I'm sorry that You had to. Thank You, too, that in two days You WILL rise, You will come and show us all that death is a reality, but that You are stronger. Because of You, all other death, has lost its sting.

I've watched You these days, but earlier, not closely enough. I still didn't know, hadn't fully grasped, Who You are, what You had come to do, that all along You have been trying to show me how to live. In this last week especially, I've been amazed at You, in the face of incredible hardship and suffering. Oh how You love. Oh how You are so focussed on others. Even in pain, even while being whipped, even while struggling to breathe and the spasms wracking your body, You are caring for others, loving them. I...would be so self-absorbed at that time. I...often am so self-absorbed. 

Where did You get Your strength? How did You know Your Father close, when You couldn't see Him? How did love those who used You, manipulated You? How did you bear up under the disappointment? How did You keep Your eyes fixed, Your heart set, Your will committed, to what was most important? 

Please, teach me how to live--to live by Your strength, to live close to the Father I cannot see, to not waver in my determination to finish. Please, by Your Spirit, pour out Your love into my heart, that I might love those entrusted to me...as You do, to the end, regardless of what I am going through.

Jesus, teach me how to live, but teach me how to die. Teach me how to live this life a living-death, and be okay with it, not forever wrestling to be free, wishing for some other circumstances, trusting my Father's will, at peace...until this death, this dying, has done all it was meant to do.
 

How did you...

Jesus, I've been watching you these last few weeks, as you journeyed to the cross. I have tried to walk close with you there, during that time, to be with you, to understand what you were thinking and feeling. Though I've known you all my life, though this part of your story is so familiar, I am freshly amazed. 

I "knew," and yet I didn't know...that you loved those who accused you, those who beat you. Your heart never turned to hate and disgust at the injustice, arrogance, foolishness. I had never seen such love, surpassing all of your own pain and anxiety. 

And the question that keeps coming to my mind is: How did you so love your Father's will, that you could continue on like that? You didn't panic. You didn't turn away. You didn't pity yourself. You were committed to finishing, to completing all, even the smallest details.

You knew all was complete, so close to death, but there was still one more thing to fulfill, so you said you were thirsty, and they gave you vinegar. No by-passing even the littlest thing for you.

How did you do it? How did that motivate you? How did what was good and right to do--the task for YOU to accomplish--get so into your heart and soul that you gladly did it, faithfully, fully, to the end?

You...for the joy set before you. Were you seeing me then? Were you seeing us? I think you were. I believe you were. You were looking forward to, and glad, that you could redeem and restore...people like me. You were pleased to buy my life, give new life. You were pleased to do it, counting it worth it, even though those you redeemed, even though I, would continually stumble and fall. Still, it was your pleasure to do so.

Still, I want to know, how could you see that when in so much pain? How did the greater truth, what was really important, get so rooted in your heart that you did not, that you could not, falter or fail? 

I want to know, and I need to know because you ask me to live like you, to carry my cross, to complete what you have given me to do, and I have not yet figured out how to do it. I don't even know if "figuring out" has anything to do with it--I just don't do it. 

Oh sometimes I'm on, sometimes I see with great clarity, and for a time it's good. But so quickly I get frustrated, tired of the length of the journey.  Because I don't see the usefulness and result, because I'm not sure and don't see that what I'm doing now actually will contribute to some good end result, I falter, I question, I balk.

How did you do it?
How do I learn to live like that?

Jesus, once again, I so admire you. I look at you with wonder. I want the life you have. I still believe you can transform me to that life. I'm not sure how. Maybe this watching you, this realization, this wanting...is part of the process and means I am on the way.

Teach me to complete the work you have set before me.

I wonder, I ask you this, and yet suddenly I'm filled with gratitude. Because it is in your character to complete your tasks, I can know you will complete your work in me. I have hope.

At Jarius' house

It must have been such a great day. Sickness, and death, turned to resurrection and life. I can imagine the amazement, the joy, the laughter, the wonder!

Did You ever see a dead person You didn't heal? Did You ever stay around a dying person and just be with them as they died--to comfort them, and later the family?  I don't think there are any recorded. It seems You healed them, or were somewhere else when people died, and then sometimes You came to bring them back to life. Could You not stand it? Could the author of life not bear to be in the presence of death? The only death You stayed around to endure was...Your own. And soon that death, also ended in Life. It's all pretty amazing.

And yet, it's still disturbing, how we're left here to face death, and just watch it as it comes, try to cope after it happens. Some people say it's not like that. Some would say You want to heal--almost every time it seems, and raise many from the dead. I believe You do sometimes...but generally I don't buy that.

So...I'm just kind of wondering...why You couldn't allow death, and yet we need to. We'd all really rather be...in Jarius' house, or outside of Lazarus's tomb, or carrying the bier when you came over and raised the widow's son. We'd all like to see death, turned to life, sooner, rather than later. 

disreputable sinners

There is a smiley face in the margin in my Bible next to this verse, especially this part:

 "...disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus' followers.)"

I love it, the crowds He attracted. Do I attract the same kind of crowds? This was what I read as I prayed and sought wisdom for a conversation with someone. She has done wrong. She is struggling. I hope I can love her in such a way that she wants to grow, but still wants to stick around, even when she stumbles, even when she falls.

The whole verse: 

"Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, 

along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. 

(There were many people of this kind among Jesus' followers.)"

Mark 2:15, NLT

Perhaps the problem comes when I forget that I, too, am a disreputable sinner, or that if I have passed by some of the "sinning" that others do, it is only by the grace of God--somehow I was taught things they weren't, somehow circumstances were different for me. I am just as capable, of every kind of sin, as the next person.

He welcomes us all to follow. He welcomes us all to the table, all of us disreputable sinners. Thank you Jesus!

Vine

What they will see
is the fruit
and that's okay
but my focus
is on You
Your love
Your words
in me
You in me
Me in You
Loving You
Obeying
just as You
love the Father
and do everything He says
and the fruit will be...
many things
and joy
overflowing joy
I will experience these
but they are not my focus
and if anyone else sees
and enjoys
great
if not
it really doesn't matter
for I am free
and enjoying the life
in You
You in me

Jn. 15:1-17

Bread

Daily
Sustenance
Yesterday's
Not enough for today
Today's
Not enough for tomorrow

Jesus
Thank You
For freely offering
Freely giving
Daily
Your Presence
Your Life
To me
In me
I come
I receive

Bread of Life
Feed me
Daily
Nourish
In ways I cannot see
Strengthen
Sustain
May I never be hungry again

Jn. 6:35

John

You set me apart before I was born
I heard Your call
I followed
You led me into a life
Of crazy and strange obedience
But oh the wonder
Amazing
To know You were leading me
This was part of Your plan

And when people responded
To follow, or to turn away
Still I knew
This was Your thing
Something You were doing
Through me

And I knew it wasn't about me
I pointed them to You
I told them
And knew
I must become less

I knew
And it was good
But now...

Now I am cast aside
Do You even remember me
Here in this dungeon
Do You see me
All the good things I hear You are doing
Happen so far away from where I am

And
I doubt
I wonder
Did I even hear correctly
Was it all for nothing
Was anything from You
Are You the one who was to come
Or should we be looking for someone else

The answer comes back
Sounds like You are
But for me
Nothing has changed
And You ask me to accept
The way things are
And the way things will end 

(inspired reading and listening to Luke 7)