Lord,
Can I somehow
Sink into You, today?
Find myself lost in You
That kind of "lost"
Is so NOT lost
But covered, held
Found
Lord, You know
I'm tired
Weary
I know some of the things that have tired me
But perhaps not all
I may have ideas about what will bring refreshment
But I don't know fully
Lord, I come to You
Hold me
Fill me
Refresh me
Help me to rest
Help me to see
Whatever is needed
(And You are the One who really knows)
Please,
Do that in me today
As I sink into You
Am covered by You
Buried in You
Buried
Then raised to life
For this life
And this race
That you want me to run
This week
Showing posts with label Rest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rest. Show all posts
Yearning
I've finally become quiet enough
And rested enough
And "processed" enough
To come
To be
The pain...is gone
(not to say it won't come back)
The "numb" is past
The confusion and feeling muddled...
And what I sense is a yearning
To be with You
To speak to You
To hear Your voice
And the sense that it is possible
I will hear and know Your voice again
And rested enough
And "processed" enough
To come
To be
The pain...is gone
(not to say it won't come back)
The "numb" is past
The confusion and feeling muddled...
And what I sense is a yearning
To be with You
To speak to You
To hear Your voice
And the sense that it is possible
I will hear and know Your voice again
Watch over me
"The LORD
watches over
the sojourners"
Ps. 146:9a, ESV
Sojourner, Traveller --that's me
And the LORD watches over the sojourners
And the LORD watches over the sojourners
The LORD is watching over me
The LORD will continue to watch over me
Over my life
Over my future
Wherever I go
Whoever I meet
No matter how alone it feels at times
No matter how far from "home" I am
The LORD is near
He is
watching over me
Thank You LORD
A Reminder I need...
The article talks about "leadership," but in this part anyways, I think the world "life" could be substituted. This can be true for any life, whether officially leading others or not.
Without the regular experience of being loved by God in solitude and experiencing the deep rest of God through silence and Sabbath-keeping, we are vulnerable to leadership that is driven by a profound emptiness we are seeking to fill through performance, achievement, and powering up on our world. This unconscious striving is very dangerous for us and for those around us. It will eventually burn us out since there is no amount of achievement that will ultimately satisfy the emptiness of the human soul...
In the solitary place we are stripped of external distractions and inevitably we become aware of false patterns of thinking and being and doing that have lurked unnoticed under the surface busyness of our lives. We may even begin to see how these patterns have mis-shaped our leadership. Perhaps we glimpse an ego-driven self that is bent on control and image management. Or an empty self that is hungry to fill itself with the approval of others. We might become aware of a broken self, desperately seeking to preserve the illusion that we have it all together. Or maybe a wounded self that has spent untold energy seeking healing where healing cannot be found.
Ah, good stuff, Ruth Haley Barton and the the importance of self-examination. I am needing some of that silence and solitude--I think it is going to need to come by the discipline of "unplugging" for a day or two while on vacation.
Without the regular experience of being loved by God in solitude and experiencing the deep rest of God through silence and Sabbath-keeping, we are vulnerable to leadership that is driven by a profound emptiness we are seeking to fill through performance, achievement, and powering up on our world. This unconscious striving is very dangerous for us and for those around us. It will eventually burn us out since there is no amount of achievement that will ultimately satisfy the emptiness of the human soul...
In the solitary place we are stripped of external distractions and inevitably we become aware of false patterns of thinking and being and doing that have lurked unnoticed under the surface busyness of our lives. We may even begin to see how these patterns have mis-shaped our leadership. Perhaps we glimpse an ego-driven self that is bent on control and image management. Or an empty self that is hungry to fill itself with the approval of others. We might become aware of a broken self, desperately seeking to preserve the illusion that we have it all together. Or maybe a wounded self that has spent untold energy seeking healing where healing cannot be found.
Ah, good stuff, Ruth Haley Barton and the the importance of self-examination. I am needing some of that silence and solitude--I think it is going to need to come by the discipline of "unplugging" for a day or two while on vacation.
 |
| Feb. 2012--Remembering a beautiful place and time of solitude--I figure God sent the rain and cleared the beach just for me! |
Solitude, Community
“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm
to himself and to the community…But the reverse is also true: let him
who is not in community beware of being alone.”
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A good reminder today from Ruth Haley Barton and her summer series on Leading in Rhythm: Part 3 Leading in Rhythm: Solitude and Community. I've been getting out of whack in this--the extremes between solitude and "with people" can get a little too extreme in July, and I'm finding the way I do each needs work too. Solitude needs more intentional worship and life-giving, refreshing activity. Community--I need to more intentionally work out rhythms of how to be with the family of God in regular ways--challenging with different schedules and distance.
Thankful for the reminder, for the journey.
–Dietrich Bonhoeffer
A good reminder today from Ruth Haley Barton and her summer series on Leading in Rhythm: Part 3 Leading in Rhythm: Solitude and Community. I've been getting out of whack in this--the extremes between solitude and "with people" can get a little too extreme in July, and I'm finding the way I do each needs work too. Solitude needs more intentional worship and life-giving, refreshing activity. Community--I need to more intentionally work out rhythms of how to be with the family of God in regular ways--challenging with different schedules and distance.
Thankful for the reminder, for the journey.
A Sabbath Heart
Thoughts from Mark Buchanan's Spiritual Renewal workshop at Break Forth 2013.
How do we gain this ability to enter the rest of God...to get to the place where we can really recline with Jesus, without constant agitation, checking email or the iPhone, etc. to just enjoy Jesus, know He likes you and you like Him?
It takes a Sabbath heart, and a Sabbath heart is rooted in one thing in particular: a deep and deepening conviction of the sovereign goodness of God.
The fundamental thing...if you don't have a sabbath heart, you will never have a sabbath day.
"The problem with the culture we're living in is we're trying to solve the dilemma of our extreme busyness and stressfulness and all of that, by simply creating more leisure, and leisure isn't the cure for what ails us, sabbath is."How do we gain this ability to enter the rest of God...to get to the place where we can really recline with Jesus, without constant agitation, checking email or the iPhone, etc. to just enjoy Jesus, know He likes you and you like Him?
It takes a Sabbath heart, and a Sabbath heart is rooted in one thing in particular: a deep and deepening conviction of the sovereign goodness of God.
If I don't cultivate this sense of God's sovereign overruling transcendent imminent goodness and presence and ability to deal with life in all of it's tumultuousness and make it all work together for good, then I can't rest.
How? Through circumcision?
How is it going to happen Lord? You spoke to me so powerfully through Isa. 58. And I know it's for more than just this past month or two, but something I need to keep listening for. A friend this week ended her email with: "May your light truly break
forth like the dawn. May your bones be strong and you be well, well-watered.
And may you know the glory of the Lord as your guard and defender." Yes, from this same chapter.
And I find myself wondering, how are you going to strengthen my bones? I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. The plans, the methods that seem good for going forward...are just lacking about 5-10 more people helping put them into practise at this point. Okay, well 3 or 4 would even be good.
Yesterday morning I listened to Mark Buchanan's all day workshop on "Spiritual Renewal" from Breakforth 2013. He talked about Joshua and the army heading to Jericho, they have just crossed the Jordan River, and the angel of the LORD comes... And the strategy is not rally the troops and charge. First, it is circumcision. Why then? Why not weeks or months earlier on the other side of the Jordan? They are effectively incapacitated, and vulnerable for weeks. If word of this leaks out to the enemy, they could be slaughtered so easily (remember Dinah, Shechem...Dinah's brothers). Then Buchanan asks: What is your Jericho? What is before you that needs a strategy from God?
Buchanan talked more about the 'incapacitated' part of circumcision, and I wondered if we are in that place now--our forces have certainly been weakened.So I have been wondering and asking You what this is supposed to mean for us. I have sensed these two months need to be a time of rest and recovery, but...I don't know that we are getting there. At least I'm not. Should we just lay down and recover? What would that mean?
But if I think back on that passage, I think there was purify yourselves, consecrate yourselves part to it. That is more the point of circumcision--being God's holy people, set apart. Maybe it was a time to check their hearts and their commitment. And...being weakened, also put them in a place of having to trust in God.
Today I purpose, at least for these two days before getting into the next work of planning, to rest, and to wait.
Sabbath
I said I was going to spend time organizing today--all the piles of papers. It's become desperate actually--I MUST FIND my materials for prep this week.
But today was also "rest" day, and today's Bible reading was Exodus 33-36. I listened to the passage, and heard, among other things,
You must do no work on the Sabbath.
You must not kindle a fire.
I didn't really want to work anyway.
Cooking--I did some of that--baking actually. It is NOT my regular work, nor much a part of my regular life--rather relaxing. I did none of my regular work today. The organizing--that would have been very much related to my regular work.
And, I read a novel. Not too deep, yet not too light. Inspiring. People who choose to do right in the face of suffering and trial.
But I didn't do the organizing.
And I did not yet plan the week.
Was it laziness?
Or Sabbath?
Will it be okay.
I'm going to bed now.
With the work week not yet organized.
Many decisions are yet to be made.
There is a lot on this week.
Am I giving in to my natural tendency to procrastinate by not planning right now?
Or am I resting?
Father, help me to wake up tomorrow morning, and really dive in--to bring this all before You, gain Your wisdom and insight, and not shirk any of my responsibilities. I ask your blessing, as I learn to Sabbath, and learn to work.
But today was also "rest" day, and today's Bible reading was Exodus 33-36. I listened to the passage, and heard, among other things,
You must do no work on the Sabbath.
You must not kindle a fire.
I didn't really want to work anyway.
Cooking--I did some of that--baking actually. It is NOT my regular work, nor much a part of my regular life--rather relaxing. I did none of my regular work today. The organizing--that would have been very much related to my regular work.
And, I read a novel. Not too deep, yet not too light. Inspiring. People who choose to do right in the face of suffering and trial.
But I didn't do the organizing.
And I did not yet plan the week.
Was it laziness?
Or Sabbath?
Will it be okay.
I'm going to bed now.
With the work week not yet organized.
Many decisions are yet to be made.
There is a lot on this week.
Am I giving in to my natural tendency to procrastinate by not planning right now?
Or am I resting?
Father, help me to wake up tomorrow morning, and really dive in--to bring this all before You, gain Your wisdom and insight, and not shirk any of my responsibilities. I ask your blessing, as I learn to Sabbath, and learn to work.
Settling...
It has been an incredibly challenging week--the joy, but huge time demands of a new baby in the house, and then the challenges of conflict with our downstairs neighbour...
As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again.
God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?
In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.
As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate... Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.
LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.
Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.
As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.
As I now have 2 days before me for mostly rest...I find my heart slowly settling into quiet, and I find...that yearning again.
God...I'm settling into Your presence...and much in my heart is rising to the surface. There are hurts Lord, and regrets. In some ways, I think I've handled this better than last time, and that is good; it shows I've grown, and matured. But I now also know I should have jumped into action after I learned a piece of information on April 29...perhaps that would have prevented... Will I remember this and do better next time?
In the attempt to go and try to make peace today, I got angry again--crud I do a lousy job of remaining completely calm when there seems to be no desire on the others' part to peacefully work to solutions, when so much seems unjust.
As I attempt to step back, to re-calibrate... Fears rise. Tears fall. There is a tendency to try to look for clues to the future in reading circumstances. Some are foreboding. Some are encouraging. The attempt to "read" is folly.
LORD, how I need You near. How I need Your presence. I have Your presence--You have promised to never leave, to never forsake. Yet, how I long for Your voice. Father, God...today, tomorrow...lead me I pray. Lead my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, to what it really needs. I need physical rest. My mind needs rest. Direct my thoughts--by Your word, by the messages I choose, by the books and music.
Lord, I'm settling down, settling into quiet. It takes some time. The process is tumultuous and somewhat painful. But I am settling into You, and into the safest and best place possible. To You I come for healing. To You I come for rest. To You I come for re-set perspective and renewed hope. And... please speak to me Lord, let me know it is You. Let me know Your ways, so that I may follow.
As I settle, do Your work, change and transform. In Your presence, may I become just a little more a reflection of You.
This kind of rest
This kind of rest, after this kind of week, is not really rest, it's really just a crash. Oh it is definitely needed, and I will certainly feel better and be better able to face the next week, but this is not the best way to live my life.
I'm learning, in stages, what is needed for living a good life--a life that lives out the best version of me. I have learned that I need to set aside days of rest, of sabbath, days of absolutely no work. But I have also been learning that is not enough. I also need to control the work on the days before. When I get to the rest day, and all I can do is crash--where there is not much energy for reading my Bible, or other things that inspire, or to journal or think--I do not gain the soul rest that is most needed. On this kind of weekend, the first day is just...veg, sleep, read only the lightest material. By the end of the day, I almost start to feel alive again. Then, if there is ANOTHER day off, maybe on that day I can really enter in to an even deeper and soul refreshing rest, where I feel like I can and am actually hearing from God.
So today I crash. No guilt in that, I'm thankful for the chance to catch up on sleep. But I also look towards next week, and the following weeks. How can I better prioritize? What do I need to say no to? How can I keep the work hours to just 40-50? Then the rest and the personal time, will be more deeply refreshing, and...not even mentioned yet, will give time for some of the housework and baking that also refreshes in its own unique way.
I'm learning, in stages, what is needed for living a good life--a life that lives out the best version of me. I have learned that I need to set aside days of rest, of sabbath, days of absolutely no work. But I have also been learning that is not enough. I also need to control the work on the days before. When I get to the rest day, and all I can do is crash--where there is not much energy for reading my Bible, or other things that inspire, or to journal or think--I do not gain the soul rest that is most needed. On this kind of weekend, the first day is just...veg, sleep, read only the lightest material. By the end of the day, I almost start to feel alive again. Then, if there is ANOTHER day off, maybe on that day I can really enter in to an even deeper and soul refreshing rest, where I feel like I can and am actually hearing from God.
So today I crash. No guilt in that, I'm thankful for the chance to catch up on sleep. But I also look towards next week, and the following weeks. How can I better prioritize? What do I need to say no to? How can I keep the work hours to just 40-50? Then the rest and the personal time, will be more deeply refreshing, and...not even mentioned yet, will give time for some of the housework and baking that also refreshes in its own unique way.
Ah...Missed Opportunities
Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
This is What I've Been Doing
Times of extended retreat give us a chance to come home to ourselves in God's presence and to bring the realities of our lives to God in utter privacy.
This is important for us and for those we serve.
When we repress what is real in our life and just keep soldiering on,
we get weary from holding it in, and eventually it leaks out in ways that are damaging to ourselves and to others.
But on retreat there is time and space to attend to what is real in my own life--to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed tears,
sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness
--and allow God to be with me in those places.
These are not times for problem-solving or fixing,
because not everything can be fixed or solved.
On retreat we rest in God and wait on him to do what is needed.
Eventually we return to the battle with fresh energy and keener insight.
(p. 123 Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, R.H. Barton)
This is what I've been doing in my time away. "Fresh energy and keener insight", this is what I've been hoping for.
Finally...
I'd been waiting for it, that moment... and on Saturday it finally happened--I noticed that the dark circles under my eyes had faded! YES!
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
(Revised note: Later in the month they were back. I did not always continue to rest as well as I had hoped.)
Starting to Relax...
While I had feared I would have trouble STOPPING work, and in a sense I did, for the first few days (connecting with someone and a situation back home), now I fear I won't be able to pick it up.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
There are a couple of things I really should do this week, but I really do not want to. I have budgeted--I should only work an average of 5 hours per week, but I do not even want to do that!! Maybe this is nothing new. Actually, there are certain types of work that I can easily put off any day, and there are other bits of my work that I would gladly do, any day.
So...it is that same old struggle...learning to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, whether I feel like it or not. And the same with what does NOT need to be done. I think it is called being responsible, and I am still trying to learn how.
But this post is titled "Starting to Relax". I have discovered that "not working" does not necessarily equal "relaxing". For the first week away my mind was abuzz with thoughts and questions and struggles. I was not sleeping well at night, and afternoon naps--I would feel tired and try to sleep, but sleep would not often come.
But now, yes, I am getting a good night's sleep each night, and sometimes an afternoon nap too. The furious questions in my mind are starting to subside. I am a little afraid of letting them all go...there are some that need answers, solutions, and decisions. Perhaps holding them more loosely is good though still.
My soul will find the rest it needs
This was the view in front of me on the beach this morning. Last night as the bus drove further and further...about 20 minutes where I was the last one on the bus...far from bustling cities... And then when I arrived, and saw the place, and my room. Ah. Thank you Lord. Peace and quiet. Clean. New. Welcoming. A place named after the verse (KJV) "...as he slept under a juniper tree...the Lord came and touched him..."
Yes, I am looking for a "touch" from the Lord.
I have been writing "I am here to meet with You" in my journal. And I wrote about being "disturbed". Yesterday, reading Daniel 9-10, I was reminded that an encounter with God, or even just an angel, can indeed be very disturbing--Daniel kept falling face down, and was left trembling with what he saw. But he also received strength, and was 3 times told, "you are very precious to God" (NLT). The disturbing, would be worth it, to gain the touch, and the strength, and being told "you are very precious to God".
Disturb me Lord. Thoroughly shake all those places that need to be destroyed, dismantled, uprooted. Disturb all wrong perceptions of you, or me or others. Disturb me for the things that disturb You. Do not let me leave here unchanged.
The Place Between
In that place between
Slowly extracting from life
Last touches
Final wrap-ups
Slowly settling
Enjoying
Soon...
Much below will start to rise
Demanding attention long neglected
Demanding gently
Demanding violently
Then there will be wrestling
Wrestling gently
Wrestling violently
Wrestling to the insight
Wrestling to surrender
And to peace
And my soul will find rest
Be refreshed
in God
The journey into rest, into times of silence and solitude, is not necessarily an easy one, nor is it a quick one. It is a process. Just being "not at work" does not yet mean we are enterring into rest...for so much we take with us, and it needs time to settle. But...in time...
Preparing for Vacation
Vacation is not easy, at least the planning part.Actually, what I am going for is more than just vacation, it is an extended vacation, or, more like a sabbatical. Two months.
First there is the question of location. Where should I go? Usually in down-time, I really look forward to and need solitude time. I savour lots of time alone, reading and journalling. Yet it is also a blessing to be with people, and perhaps unhealthy to be too solo for too long. This time I thought of a few old, good and faithful friends in the next province that I can pop in on. They are the kind of people with whom I can just be me. They will love me as I am, and yet not let me stay that way. In the end, I will only visit one.
Just sit...
How do I
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
I used to know how
I used to long for
I used to be refreshed there
I used to be able to stop spinning
And just sit in Your presence
There is a far away part of me
A long lost memory
That tells me this is where I will be
refreshed
renewed
But I don't know how to go there anymore
My brain all jumbled
So distracted
A nap doesn't seem to clear the fog
(try to nap, but sleep won't come)
And so the rest
The space where apparently I will be transformed
Constantly eludes
Interesting though
In spite of this lost feeling
The panic that could accompany does not
From the years of knowing You
In spite of all the uncertainty
I somehow still feel safe
All may rock
All else unstable
Not quite sure how all this will shake down
But in the fall
If the fall
I will not be broken or destoyed
It is going to be okay
Someday
I think I'll even know how to sit again
So in my trying to get there now
No need for panic
No need to force it
It is a different sort of rest
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