Captured again

It amazes me, You know

How You do it

How You capture and inspire my heart

Again and again

Just when I wonder

If I'm too tired

If I'll ever know again

   the "me" that I'm meant to be

   the "me" that is alive to You

When I think I can't hear anymore

When I wonder if I'm dying

Or if I've permanently lost something

You capture my heart again

Last week it was through the book Chasing Fireflies. Oh my, what an amazing story! I cried several times (and laughed too). And through it, and by the end, and the author's personal reflection--You, pulling me, wrecking me actually, igniting again, or deepening, that passion for...to encourage and help young guys, to see them find healing and encouragement, to be amazing and good men--husbands, fathers--in the future!

I'm sure the messages I heard by N.T. Wright yesterday were also a part of renewing and refreshing, refocusing my eyes, my heart, reminding me of Your beauty, the privilege of having Your Word, of knowing Jesus.

Today, it is a song (or maybe more than one song...discovering a group I hadn't heard of--a few great songs!)--Wild Heart, by Urban Rescue. Yes, it brought tears...but maybe because I was needing to cry...to really connect again, or...first to acknowledge, that it's big, that it sometimes feels hard, very hard, and to bring it to You. But in this song, something touched me, something resonated...something in the song resonated with something already true and real and deep, down solid in me...

And in the tears

I know again

That I am alive

Ah...I know

I shouldn't doubt

You are the God who renews and refreshes

You promise to do these things

You, God of the resurrected Jesus

Of course You can resurrect

    and renew

    and revive

    even me.

Thank you.

Why do I get it so good?

Why do I, why do WE, get it so good? Here I sit in a world class hospital, preparing for surgery--not life-threatening, not urgent now, though someday it may be. I've just been told that the insurance company has now responded--pre-approved. Yes, they will cover everything, 100%, thousands of dollars.

And I start to cry.

Yesterday was Mid-Autumn Festival, and I have access to this all--good health care, wonderful facilities. They've checked everything making sure my body is all fine for surgery.

Two years ago, on Mid-Autumn Festival, a woman died. She was born 8 years before me. I suspect her death was preventable. Oh, at that time it wasn't, emergency surgery only one week earlier had extended her life, but couldn't save it. By that time she was already too far gone. But two years earlier, or even earlier still, had she got a check-up, received some early treatment...would she still be here today? Would she get to watch her kids complete university? To see them, in the future marry, and have children? But she won't see any of those things. She's gone.

I know too many stories like this...probably simple antibiotics would have saved him. Maybe early surgery would have caught the cancer. Even the 16 year old who passed away two weeks ago--in the 10 days before she died, the hospital repeatedly told her father that he should transfer her to a hospital in a larger center, more equipped to help her. He refused, "Just do what you can here." It is understood that they have no money, previously spending all on his wife's cancer treatment. And minimum costs for that "more equipped" care, were just to much to even attempt.

And even when people DO go for treatment--what is available is sometimes so limited. Sometimes it hits me even about far smaller things. I also cried in February, back in Canada, in the hour between ordering my glasses, after checking my prescription, and waiting to pick them up. I just wished I could take my colleagues for a good eye exam--where you know the results of the exam will be accurate, the glasses good quality, and last for years. (Okay, I was extra emotional then, adjusting culturally and all...)

There's a sort of guilt that comes--a guilt for privilege I did not buy, grab, or in any way pursue; it just came to me, by being born. (I had a similar sense after watching the movie Amistad, feeling guilty for horrible sins I didn't personally commit.) Because I was born in a time, in an era, in a certain place, and related to certain people, I can get check-ups, while he just endures. I can get surgery and early treatment, but she dies.

What do I do with this? Feeling guilty doesn't help. Electing to not get the check-up or treatment available to me, doesn't mean that someone else will receive it. The unfairness of it all...and how so much of the "good" side of unfair landed on me--what can I do with this?

I can be grateful. I can share. I can strive to help those in my vicinity, my range of knowledge and reach. I can share my resources, and somewhat go in the direction of "loving others as I love myself." I can make sure those who work for me get annual physicals, and have insurance of some sort. I can make needs known, and together with others cover the costs, pay for some surgeries, do what we can (this, we have done!).

And I can, and I must, not take this for granted. There are areas in which I must continue to repent, and change and grow, and learn to be a better steward of this body I have been given. With what is given, and for as long as it lasts--this life, this body, this energy, this time granted to me that others may not have received--may it be offered, used well, spent loving and giving to God and to others. 

(post started Sept. 20, 2013)

Thankful things

this apartment
clean table
the quiet
lilies blooming
peace

new students
new opportunities
excited eager eyes

space
rest
cool mornings
coffee
journal
coloured pens
water
hope

You Count Fish

“You pull in your life and you see that though you felt ripped open —- the net actually didn’t tear."

What this is about...Counting Fish.

Thank You!

Thank You God
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
For looking down on us
Looking on
   our wandering
   our brokenness
   our hopelessness
With compassion
   and love
For staying so committed to us
That though we didn't really want You
Though we rejected again and again
You decided to come
For those who might receive
   and believe
   and find life

Thank Jesus
For being willing to come
Come as a baby
Be so completely curtailed
Did you know, all along
That the cross was coming
Or did that hang over You all Your life
Even if You didn't know
Living sinless
In the midst of our
   hate
   selfishness
   jealousy
   petty rage
   foolishness

Thank You
For always looking with compassion
And love
On our miserable state
On me
   wherever I am
   no matter how foolish
   no matter how I should know by now
Thank You
For always
   reaching
   seeking
   loving
   knowing
   receiving

And You didn't balk
   when it got hard
You didn't give up
You didn't walk away
You stayed
You followed through
You let Yourself go through
All of the same things
   I face
   And so much more

Jesus, Son of God
Then and now
Thank You for Your constant
Presence
In my life
In the past
Now
And into my future
Your love will never change
Your constant reaching
You as a constant refuge
And shelter
And rock
And strength
Your love as my source of life
Your love and life flowing into me
Transforming me
Living out through me

Thank You