Undone

I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed

Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose

And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul

I Pause to Weep...

I pause to weep for her
for her pain

What would it be like? I can't imagine
To have your mom come to town
Lay on your bed, tell you how
A week ago she almost took her life

Well, not sure if she really wanted to take her life
They had been fighting, 
and this story has happened before
Mom and Dad fighting
(Usually he's mad because she keeps needing to take medicine
And it costs money)
He was drunk
And mad
so he said he was going to kill himself
grabbed the bottle of pesticide
She told the kids to stop him
He couldn't open the bottle
The kids couldn't stop him, turn to her
She wrestled it from him
And smashed it on the ground

Then, to shock him
took a rope and started to hang herself 
(story a little fuzzy at this point)
but she fell
and the rope was tight
and she couldn't get free
fainted
a neighbour saw
called others
and rescued

but this wasn't the first time
and, other than feeling bad for the kids
she wonders why not

I began pausing to weep for the daughter
but now ... also the father
and mother
and children
father...feels he doesn't get a return on his labour
mother...doesn't know if life is worth it, regrets marrying this man
children...one, when in grade 3, tried to hang herself one day when she was mad
 
I'm sure they feel much more than all this...
This is the part I heard
I pause to weep...

Dark clouds hover

The weather matches my heart these days

Don't like this sadness,

This ache that just ... stays

But I will move on

Eventually

Hopefully I'll forget

And I'll choose to praise

And believe

Behind the clouds

There really is a sun

And there is a God

Who carries

Hurtin...

This hurt
This pain
Jesus...only You can fill me
Heal me

This hurt
This disappointment
Not getting what I so desperately wanted
Or
Realizing what I thought was there
Didn't really exist after all

Was it wrong to want
To share the journey
To enjoy companionship in the struggle
I thought we were
I thought that's where we were going

Did I put too much hope in human relationships
Wanting filled what only You can fill?
Maybe
And yet You designed us for community
So
Not completely

I thought we were sharing life
I was sharing...
But it didn't come back
Or maybe just not the way I wanted
Was I hoping and asking for too much?
That feeling of being left hanging
Again

It feels like
Rejection
Not worthy
Not good enough
Being duped
Used 
Misled
Then abandoned

It hurts
I turn to You

Where my heart goes...

My eyes were a little wet before heading to the centre this morning. Thinking about the grade 10 student...her mom died on the 12th, Mid-Autumn Day--a traditional family gathering day. I knew she would probably die that day, but didn't find out till yesterday.

At least a few tears should fall each time I learn that someone I know loses someone.

My eyes were wet again walking home from the centre after lunch. The grade 12 guy who lost his dad on July 9th--at this weekly chat he cried again; it's so hard.  We talked about how he just couldn't hold the tears back at the night class on the 9th of this month. And how he keeps thinking (and I cry as I think it about it now), "He was dying, and I was playing." How does someone get over the guilt?

When I left the centre, another guy was still there. Since we've opened it up for them to stay and hang out after lunch--read, or do homework or just nap--he's stayed behind every time. He takes every single opportunity to stay, to hang out, to participate in activities.  I'm glad. Back in February I was worried about him. His older brother told me he had said he had considered suicide, was struggling. He lost his dad 7 years ago, must have been only 10, I'm glad he's signed up for the grief group in October. His mom, was seeing someone, but the family was opposed. That was awkward. But he is keen to grow and learn--admit his struggles and go forward. I think he'll be okay, but he needs a home.

Lots of stuff for high school students to face. I can't imagine. Well, I can, so ... I cry.

I cry, usually when they are not around, after I have been in their presence to comfort and walk along-side, help them find their way, lead them through a process that I think will help strengthen. And then I step back, reflect, process, and cry.

"Father of the fatherless, come down and rescue us. We need you. We need you again" (Jason Upton)

Rain

Rain falls

as an era comes to an end
fitting
heaven and earth in harmony
the end matching the beginning
or, actually, the beginning of the end

I remember, the day it all began
also raining
walking home
through the rain
through the tears

I could never have imagined
only pain
only tears

I thought things would get better 
I thought there was hope and joy ahead

When did it turn downhill again
what on earth happened
how am I to understand
how am I to ever trust again
how am I to try again
to hope again

Oh God this hurts!

Out of these Ashes

"Out of these ashes, beauty will rise"  --Steven Curtis Chapman song

I don't know how.

I don't know when.

But a time is coming.

It will happen.

Sometimes there are brief glimpses into the future, brief ideas of possibility. Something good will come of all the death and destruction that has been. Something good and strong and beautiful will rise out of the pain and distrust. 

A new day will dawn. 

Light will shine. 

Hope will rise. 

Joy will flow. 

Hope will shine. 

And on that day, the tears will be replaced by awe and wonder. 

Praise to our God shall resound.

And stories will be told--so many stories.

Stories of redemption.

Stories of rescue.

Stories of dark pits and despair exchanged for purpose and strength.

Stories of violence and abuse exchanged for treasuring and intimacy.

Stories of wimps--gutless, spineless men living only for their own pleasure--becoming men of courage, mighty in the land, respected and honoured by all. 

Stories of women--once broken and abused, pandering after affection, not knowing their worth--now standing straight, walking tall, but also bending down...to lift another, encourage the disheartened, extend a hand to the weak.

These are the stories that will be told.

Once the ashes settle.

Once the time of tears comes to an end.

Once the healing bears its fruit.

Cry for the Children

We cry for the children, both big and small
The children we didn't want
The children we didn't love
And now they are gone
No more

The ones gone
No more because we didn't want them
We didn't want anyone to know
We wanted to go on with our pleasure without responsibility
So we took a pill, had a surgery

The ones gone
No more because we didn't like their gender
Or how much it would cost to keep them
So we left them by the side of the road
or at a government office

Gone...

And we cry for ourselves
We are the children that were not wanted
Almost given away
or given away twice over
We bear in our hearts the pain
The rejection

The sins of the fathers
Repeated again and again
They didn't want me
I didn't want mine

And now all that is left is to
Cry for the children 


(Yes, this one warrants a follow-up. I know...this is NOT the end, but now is a time to cry...)

Lament

"Without lament we have no way of being honest before God when bad things happen."

A couple of weeks ago I had a week that could best be described as "lament."  In some ways, this has been a big long season with bouts of lament, but that week I especially felt it.  I'm thankful to Erika Haub, for the above quote (and the link to the sermon from which it comes), that gave me the word ... lament. That week I was also referred to "That Dark Cloud" post by Karen Spears Zacharias (thanks to Jesus Creed's Weekly Meanderings!).  All letting me know--it is okay.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to feel the darkness, and lament before our God.

One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.

In Memorandum

You Would be Two

I don't know why I thought of you today
You would be two now

plus a couple of months
And your sister
older by at least nine

You would be laughing, dancing, running

Eyes full of light and life
talking, singing
Had you been allowed to live

Why did the thought of you, of both of you

come pouring at me today
Of how you left...
one, to who knows where
you locked in a room
your mother not allowed to feed you
till the cries grew weaker
and stopped
and you were taken and buried, only your father knows where
("father" NOT a title he is worthy of)

Your blood cries out

Probably your mom cries too
Why she went back to him
What's happening now
Is there another child
also in danger?
God save this one
If it's a boy, the father will let him live
Let him live, but please, save him from the father and his father