Held

I'm so glad You are holding me
My "standing" certainly doesn't come by my own...
Well, I'm barely standing
I'm crawling
Or sleeping
Honestly,
I don't know what I'm doing
But I am Yours
And You hold me
And You never let me go
And...You will carry me
Through to the end
I'm so glad I'm Yours
I'm so glad You are holding me

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Ps. 37:23-24, NLT

(Guess, in this, I'm considering myself "godly."  How bold is that? What is "godly"? My heart is toward God, set to follow, to learn to follow, stumbling though that process be. Yes...I count myself among those who are godly, because He is making my heart to be like His own.)

Death, part 2

Death came again
In ALL of its ugliness and horror
Leaving so much devastation
Those already hurting
Having suffered blows
Barely standing
Smacked again with this one
How will they handle it Lord
What happened
How...

What good could come out of this
What hope
How are they going to make it
I fear...some will be completely devastated
Beyond recovery

The tributes are being written
So many honouring the strength they saw
The encouragement they were given
One woman
Success and struggle
Pain and beauty
Gutsy, pushing limits, adventuresome
Hurting, hiding

... ... ...
 
NO
Not hiding
There was hurt
But she named it
Faced it

It's becoming more and more clear
The goodness left behind
There is a common theme
Her smile
Offered free
Strength of words and encouragement
Blessing many
The young, the weak, the broken, the rebels
Love for all
Love that didn't have to be earned
She saw the treasure in each one
Made each feel they were special, valued

Yes, there will be many tears
And much ache
For years to come
For the loss of one
Who meant so much
To so many
Who brightened the world
For so many

May we learn, and grow, and treasure
All that was good

And, oh, Lord, please wrap Your arms
Especially around her children

Death, part 1

Death comes, and catches us all by surprise
In an instant
Gone
(Well, this time, they had a few hours' notice)

It doesn't make sense
It doesn't fit
So much not yet right
So not the right time

When IS the right time for death?

the God who gives hope

Four out of five days comforting crying girls
And now the tears come for me
How will You send help, Lord?
Who will You send?
Or maybe the help will come just straight from You
In that mysterious way You give and renew inner strength
The problems are bigger than we can handle
Lord, open their eyes to see You
To turn to You

And now, I'm the one hurting
Lord, You know
I turn to You
You, "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort"
You, "the God of endurance and encouragement"
You, "the God of hope" and the God who gives hope
Thank You for hope
Because of You, in You
There is always hope
You are a refuge
You are my strength
Yesterday I testified to this
In front of them all
Today I experience
You...my refuge...
now...
again and again...
forever.

References: 2 Cor. 1:3, Rom. 15:5,13

Someone Stronger

We all need someone stronger, don't we?
Someone to go to, when it is just too much
We want to and try to carry the burdens of others
And it is good
But eventually, we need help

She came to me today
"Can we talk?"
Later, motion, arms, hug...
It feels like too much
So much has happened
And now there is this fear
This terror
When will the next thing hit?
At Spring Festival, the accident
In June, the thing that happened to her dad
Now, grandma in hospital
Today, waking up to little brother with a high fever
All alone to take care of him and then to get to camp...

And her brother
The comment grandma made after their 4-day visit with mom
The way she snaps at him
Tells him off
Hurtful words, time and again
He's only ten
She watches him, her little brother
Starting to close in on himself
Becoming quiet, changing...

I asked, "Did you share this with your team?"
No...they...
One had shared about her dad's death
Another about her dad leaving
Another was terrified to face the day's challenge
The two guys...they tried to help but
Who was there to comfort the girls
She didn't want to add to the pain
So she kept her struggles in
Helped them
And today, has become exhausted by it all

She comes to me
And I know this is bigger than her shoulders can handle

She is a star
At the school
Among peers
An amazing girl
Kind, smart, caring, giving
Yet so much pain and pressure from all sides
I can comfort, listen, ask questions, cry with her
But it's not enough
Lord, she needs You
Open her eyes to see how she needs You
To see You
To know You are real and true
Be her refuge and strength through this life
Become the Rock she needs
Her source of strength

And as I pray that she will come to You
I come to You
I, too, need
Someone stronger

This week's JOY

The last two posts were sad and painful...yes, one day, and especially for a few hours, this past week was quite hard.

But sad, has not been the overall theme. No, there has been much JOY this week!

The above picture was my "happy sighting" two days ago, on the walk on my way to work. The day before I had seen this woman washing the legs of these stools while a friend seemed to be pouring out her heart. I wondered why the friend didn't help. Looks like she's got help now.

Last Saturday at the centre was just hilarious! I was working with Hope, reviewing the specific content of the camp happening next week. Others were doing other things. At some point we noticed the fan, the one broken at the "neck," and there were comments about how it always hangs its head, "low self-worth," "Oh good thing it's here with us because this is an environment where it can receive comfort and learn to hold its head up again"...except "we treat it badly, keep putting in in the storage room." Yeah, sure, goofy "you had to be there" to find it funny stuff, but it was funny. At one point folks in the other room were laughing and I "yelled" at them, "Don't you know we're supposed to be serious here!" Later, when a burst of laughter came from our room, we were told to keep it down. We promptly went to the other room, apologizing profusely with heads bowed and bows. All this goofing off and interruptions when we were SO BEHIND in our planning, but it all flowed and was great fun. Now, pondering that day I realize--I am a different person. That sort of not prepared, and so many interruptions, in the past...I would have been so stressed, and stressing others out too!

And today--how great to walk into the centre for summer camp counsellor training and have folks that have come especially to help out. Someone came from another province.  Even more exciting was seeing past sponsored students--our grads, former counselors some--back to learn and give and grow. And they remember stuff learned when they were students in the program. And former counsellors remember stuff taught before.Ah, some have far to go and much to learn, but they are willing.

Funniest thing--I was to demonstrate "good active listening." Hope chose the question she was going to talk about: "If I could be anyone else in the world instead of myself I would be..." and she said that was me. It was funny and strange, and I had a super hard time knowing what to think or ask or how to be a "good listener" in front of a bunch of other people. But some stuff she said blesses my heart and makes me wonder... Oh...is she seeing Him? Being drawn?

Yes, there has been joy, much joy! Thank you Lord!

Why it hurts...

Why does it hurt so bad?
I think I finally figured it out
Thank You!
It's because
I'm not one to give up
I don't
I don't give up hope
But in this case I have to
And it goes against everything in me
I've been so trained in
Still believing
Still hoping
"Maybe things will change"
And anything but
Is agony

(weird...that hoping is sometimes agony too!)

But...
I've walked away before
I've laid things down before
It was hard then too
Was there anything I learned then
And now
That will help?

This helps already
Realizing why it hurts
Hope, I guess,
Was never meant to die
It is the nature of hope
To keep hoping
And even when I think I don't have hope anymore
I'm still
(believe it or not)
Hoping

Lord, please, help this one to die, to rest.
It needs to
I need to go on
Thank You 
You know
You understand
You...are holding me now.

Weeping

For a pain I can't name
I don't understand
Well
I do
It's an ending
A finality
And it hurts

I've been here before
And I've seen the pain end
I think
I have hope
That it will pass soon

But for now
It has hit
With a surprising...
what...
intensity?
depth?
no...it's just a foggy sort of pain
undefined
non-articulated
it just sends tears

Learning to Believe God is Good

It's so hard to figure out why I don't believe it
And in a sense, it's not even true, that I don't believe
Because I do believe He is good
I've believed it for years
I've based my life on it
Many life choices...
If He's not good, and faithful to provide,
Then I'd never have done what I did,
Gone where I've gone, starting things I've started
And I certainly wouldn't have stayed around
To see His provision make it possible

And yet I don't believe
Sorry, I'm ashamed to say it
And it's no reflection on Him
And I don't know why

I...live with this tension
This fear
This holding back
Sometimes, I see things that need to go ahead
And all that is before me
And in my heart
I have the brakes on
I'm trying to slow it down
Keep it under control
Make it go slow enough that I can keep up
Understand

I need to learn to trust You
To trust that You're good
I've learned much
There is much less anxiety

And yet I want to trust You more

I want to wake up in the morning
Excited about the day
I want a belief and knowledge
That You are at work in and around it all
To pervade everything
I want to greet the surprises with anticipation
Not fear
Knowing
It must be good
It will be interesting
It will work out
There will be joy
And strength enough
And provision for everything
In fact
It's all going to be more amazing
Than I could ever hope or imagine!

Sinking into You

Lord,
Can I somehow
Sink into You, today?
Find myself lost in You
That kind of "lost"
Is so NOT lost
But covered, held
Found

Lord, You know
I'm tired
Weary
I know some of the things that have tired me
But perhaps not all
I may have ideas about what will bring refreshment
But I don't know fully

Lord, I come to You
Hold me
Fill me
Refresh me

Help me to rest
Help me to see
Whatever is needed
(And You are the One who really knows)
Please,
Do that in me today
As I sink into You
Am covered by You
Buried in You
Buried
Then raised to life
For this life
And this race
That you want me to run
This week

Yearning

I've finally become quiet enough
And rested enough
And "processed" enough
To come
To be

The pain...is gone
(not to say it won't come back)
The "numb" is past
The confusion and feeling muddled...

And what I sense is a yearning
To be with You
To speak to You
To hear Your voice
And the sense that it is possible
I will hear and know Your voice again

 

Strengthen Me

Oh sometimes I would just love to be strong
Strong to not hurt
Strong to not fear
Strong to feel able to face the day

You do offer strengthening
You promise to strengthen those who wait on You
I can ask
And You will give
Strength

But it doesn't mean I won't hurt
It doesn't mean I will not fear
It doesn't mean I will feel able to face the day

The lack of fear
And feeling able to face things
Those will come by my choosing to trust
Choosing to believe Your promises

As for hurting--that's just gonna happen!

How to be strong:  
14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.
(Eph. 3:14-21, NLT)

There is much strengthening available 
    through His Spirit, 
    by His love, 
    through living in His love. 
This is the strength I need. 
This is the kind of "strong" others need from me
This is the kind of "strong" I need to be

Strengthen me, LORD, for this day, for the tasks at hand, strengthen me in Your love, by Your Spirit. Make Your home in my heart as I trust in You.

Changes needed

Arrange your days
so that you experience
total contentment,
joy, and confidence
in your everyday life with God.

(From Soul Keeping, by John Ortberg, quoting something Dallas Willard said to him, and that is now on his wall, the first thing he sees when goes to work every day.)

I need to work on "arranging my days."

the core

May 25, 2014
It echoes in my head these days
*"that I get the core of my validation needs met from His love"

How do I get the core of my validation needs met from His love?
How do I get back there now?

If I sit in Your presense
If I hear You tell me You love me
Or maybe just some good conversation--that sense of well-being that comes from being with good friends

And then it hits me
Have I ever lived with the core of my validation needs met from Your love?

June 10, 2014
It's still echoing
Beckoning
Calling
God...
Tell me who I am to You
Show me who You are
What my life is to be in relation to You
The goals
The vision
Seem cold
What used to excite and inspire
Doesn't always, anymore

I think I know where I need to spend some time


*Source:  Pete Scazzero  Am I Becoming a More Differentiated Leader

Here...again

Here I am again
Me
Just me
Wondering how I'll live this day
Wondering how I'll get past
   all that is churning inside
   all the thoughts
   all the feelings
That jumble and tumble
And leave me an immobile heap on the floor
(Oh...not really on the floor...
My body is moving, but my brain has stopped)

I call to mind again
Truths beyond what I can see
You are here
You are good
You are working to fulfill Your purposes
Whether or not I participate
(But wow, don't I want to participate?)

You can and will lead me
You will give enough strength and insight for today
Today, as in every other day,
The end of it will come, and it will be fine
I need not fret or worry at the beginning.

Picture this

^{Isa. 63:7-9, NLT}

⁷ I will tell of the Lord’s unfailing love.
    I will praise the Lord for all he has done.
  I will rejoice in his great goodness to Israel,
    which he has granted according to his mercy and love.
⁸ He said, “They are my very own people.
    Surely they will not betray me again.”
    And he became their Savior.
⁹ In all their suffering he also suffered,
    and he personally rescued them.
  In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
    He lifted them up and carried them
    through all the years.

"He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."

Three pictures come to mind... Oh wish I was an artist! I tried to sketch them, but didn't do too well. I do better with words...

Picture 1 is hands--His hands, cupped hands, me in the center. He is carrying me, He has carried me safely through the ages. I don't know my posture there in the cup of His hand, but I'm down in the lowest part, the safest part. Maybe I'm hiding (likely!). Maybe I'm sleeping. I might be quite oblivious to all that has gone on, especially the goodness and significance of it.

Picture 2--those same hands, me inside, but now the front of the hands--the tip, where the fingers come together--is shaped something like the front of a boat. And I...am getting a little curious. I am crawling up the fingers, peeking up over the top, still a little fearful, hiding, protected behind those strong fingers, but starting to anticipate.

Picture 3--All fear is gone. I'm still IN those hands, still carried, but now I'm standing up there at the front--looking forward, smiling, enjoying, riding the waves of it all.  (Hey, maybe I'm actually surfing!)  Maybe my hands are raised...

Picture 1 is what I know now. Picture 2 what I am starting to become. Picture 3 is what I will be.

(rough sketches)

Who am I, part 2

I have always loved this song by Margaret Becker

Who am I
by Margaret Becker 

Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
 
I am counting the stars
On Your blackened sky
You call them all by name, You know them all by sight
In this sea of lights
I sense Your majesty
And I break at the thought that One so great
Could care for me

CHORUS
Who am I, Jesus
That You call me by name
What could I ever do
To be loved this way
Who am I, Jesus
In Your eyes, tell me, who am I

I am counting the mountains
That I've laid at Your feet
And I'm reduced to tears when I think of how
You've moved them for me
In this storm of life
You've been my safe retreat
Through the wind and the fire You always were there
To carry me

CHORUS

No greater honor could I ever find
Than the privilege to love You for the rest of my life

CHORUS
REPEAT CHORUS

Who am I?

Who am I
Who am I really
In your eyes...

I have heard the voices
Again and again
Echoing through my years
There are so many reflections
The things they say
The things I want to hear
The things I don't
The things some people see
The things I wish others would
The parts of me I've only discovered in recent years
The parts I'm just learning to dare to be

I'm verbal, wordy
It drives people crazy
I'm so ashamed and sensitive
It blesses many
I'm thankful

I'm deep, intense
It blows people away
Tires them out
Tires ME out
Yet inspires
Challenges

I'm driven
For more
To grow
To never stop
To question
To wonder
To never be satisfied with the way things are
To jump in to "what's not being done"
To rescue
To help
To fight for hope
To wake people up
To be more
Even knowing I'll never arrive
...I drive myself crazy

I enjoy life
I don't really think about what to "do for fun"
Fun is had everywhere

I'm a loner
Yet I need people
I want to connect
Yet I don't know how

I love you purely and fully
Yet I deceive myself

Who am I to You
Who do You say I am
I am the one You love
The one who always comes running back
The one who doesn't give up,
But keeps hanging on to Your hand
The hand that is holding me
I am Your beloved, the lily among the thorns
Planted in a very hard place
But beautiful and fragrant to You

I am the one not afraid to enter the pain
The pain that You have seen
I am one guided, all the while so unaware
Walking steady, though it feels so wobbly
Standing firm, with what looks like falling

I am the one loved
In the middle of my clutter
and brokenness
and confusion

I am the one who trusts You
Into the unknown and impossible
And yet I am the one who stresses and doubts
Even though you've supplied and provided
Again and again and again

Oh Jesus,
Tell me...
Who am I
Who am I really
In Your eyes
Who am I?

The Kingdom is here

Here and now, "the Kingdom is available, 

I just have to want it more than I want anything else... 
At any moment it is that simple."

How do I help others grow spiritually?
"You must arrange your life
so that you are experiencing 
deep contentment, joy and confidence
in your every day life with God."

What? This is about helping them, not about me.

"No, the main thing that you bring to [others]

is the person that you become, 

and that's what everybody will see 

and that's what will get reproduced

and that's what people will believe."

John Ortberg, quoting things learned from Dallas Willard--Session 4, Living in Christ's Presence: Final Words on Heaven and the Kingdom of God

I just have to want it more than I want anything else.
I just have to arrange my life...
This is what will get reproduced...

Remembering

This is where I remember
Well, first I experience
And then I remember

I have known God
God is here, Part 1
God is here, Part 2

These speak to me again today
I weep at the memories
And in the now

It's as if You're here now
Almost saying the very same things

And Just Sit
Is pretty much where I am now too
And because I have been here before
And You spoke then
I can rest and believe now

You, God of all my days
Constantly lead and guide me
And You
Are my constant companion

I'd like to feel You close again
Real close
I think I will again sometime
But for now I am comforted
Remembering
And believing
in the now