Learning to Believe God is Good

It's so hard to figure out why I don't believe it
And in a sense, it's not even true, that I don't believe
Because I do believe He is good
I've believed it for years
I've based my life on it
Many life choices...
If He's not good, and faithful to provide,
Then I'd never have done what I did,
Gone where I've gone, starting things I've started
And I certainly wouldn't have stayed around
To see His provision make it possible

And yet I don't believe
Sorry, I'm ashamed to say it
And it's no reflection on Him
And I don't know why

I...live with this tension
This fear
This holding back
Sometimes, I see things that need to go ahead
And all that is before me
And in my heart
I have the brakes on
I'm trying to slow it down
Keep it under control
Make it go slow enough that I can keep up
Understand

I need to learn to trust You
To trust that You're good
I've learned much
There is much less anxiety

And yet I want to trust You more

I want to wake up in the morning
Excited about the day
I want a belief and knowledge
That You are at work in and around it all
To pervade everything
I want to greet the surprises with anticipation
Not fear
Knowing
It must be good
It will be interesting
It will work out
There will be joy
And strength enough
And provision for everything
In fact
It's all going to be more amazing
Than I could ever hope or imagine!