I have known God

I have known God
to really be the refuge He says He is
I know
I do not have to wait until I'm 'all together'
to find a welcome in His presence
In His presence
there is a true embrace
rest for the weary
I really can pour out my heart there
No matter what state it is in

I know God
to really be the refuge He says He is
So today...
At the end of a week 
where the burdens have been so very heavy
I come
And as I come
music helping me remember 
who He is
The tears must flow
It is safe here
I can be weak here
And I know
Here I will find hope
and strength
and love
to continue to carry or face
whatever may come

Trust in Him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge. 

         --Ps. 62:8

Not sure what love is

I'm not sure if I know what love is
Or... rather 
I'm not sure if I know how to love
Do I
Have I ever loved
Is love a feeling
It's easy to feel love for...
those who love me
those who return my acts of love or affection
those who are needy
those who seem to receive and grow and benefit from what I have done for them
those who are thankful

But anybody can "love" people in those categories
I find myself thinking
It kind of stinks that I'm supposed to keep loving now
Now with things the way they are
Here, now, is the test of my love

How do I know what is love, or how to love?

I suspect
...it has not much to do with how I feel 
(probably shouldn't expect some warm fuzzies at this point)
...maybe holding back from saying some things I want to say to cause pain--that is probably an act of love--this I can do
...maybe praying for the situation, even though it hurts like crap that I haven't been invited into it, yep...that is probably love

I thought I knew what love is
I thought I wanted to learn
Sometimes, I find I don't
But then again, I do
For there is this Love that draws me
That has taken over my life
I want to learn, be changed by, and give
That same sort of Love
Yet, as I enter the process
I start to learn
Just how high and long and deep and wide that love really is
Far higher than mine
and so I sink into His
and learn to live mine


--Reflections from January 2011

If I do nothing else

If I do nothing else today, but meet with You, that would be enough.

Life circumstances, the "Animate" series by Greg Boyd...these tell me it is much needed.

May I see You.
May I know You.
May I sense and know the weight of Your glory.
May everything else be brought into right perspective in Your Presence.

And may I be changed as I look at You.

Peace on Earth

Jesus, Messiah
Peace to this earth
You came to bring

Fill my heart
Fill my life
Continue the transformation
You have begun

Lead me
Lead us all
By Your Light
Out of our darkness

And joy
Fill our lives with your joy
For the journey is long
And hard
As Yours was much more so
But for the joy set before you...
You endured
And finished well

So may we live with joy
And worship
And live with Peace
In Light
So may I live with joy

Will it ever end?

For some it is like this I hear...

Adolescence
Parent and child
Who knows why there are so many flare ups
Why every word (it seems) comes ripe with the potential for
Misunderstanding, mistrust, misconstruing 
So many conversations trying to reconcile
Work things out
Explain
Understand

But still new ones come
Who knows where they come from sometimes
Will it ever end?

And it just hurts
It's just hard
Looking at someone you care for
Knowing you're unable to express the care
Or, somehow, every time you try 
It doesn't make it to their heart, their understanding
Feeling you are despised, a pain
Them feeling they are that to you, too

Will we make it through this time of pain?
What will it take?
Is there something different to do?
Another way to live?

All I know to do
Is to keep holding on to this hand that is holding me
And not give up

Jesus, search, reveal, renew, restore
Grant faith, hope, endurance, and joy
To somehow make it through this season
And emerge on the other side
With an incredible story to tell
A story of Your grace and mercy

The Cost of Tears

It just occurred to me that one key to learning to live or regaining my balance might be to budget in about 5 hours for "crying" into each work week. Either that, or add an extra day of rest to cry and recover. I guess our staff all need that sort of time too...they are even closer to some painful situations.

The pain I see or hear about ... takes a serious toll. This week, the event that 'inspired' Cry for the Children was a baby girl having been given away. The person closer to the situation--also deeply affected and called to action.

Today ... there are bus rides, conversations, and people changing their minds, willing to try to go and find her... and I'm crying again.

Sometimes I think I'm crying tears people don't know to cry for themselves, or tears they've locked away deep inside...waiting for the day to come out. 

I'm crying and praying for that baby girl...about 2 weeks old now. Where is she? Father, please protect her, prepare a home for her, a home where she will be loved.

If I sometimes feel I can hardly bear the pain... I wonder how God does it, He sees it so much more clearly.

But then, if He can see it and go on, then maybe I can too.

And maybe He can see it and go on, because He sees somethinge else so much more clearly than I--He sees what He wants to do and can do in the situation. He sees what He plans to do--the beauty, the hope, the purifying, the refining--the wonderful redemption He can and wills to bring about. Sometimes I can see a little of what might come, but I need to see more. Father, give me eyes of faith to see what You see, to see, believe, and walk forward in hope.

Regaining Balance

It's a skill I guess, adjusting all along the way to the things that come...and I'm still trying to figure out how to do it.

I remember, a few years ago, when it became a part of my thinking: "Crises WILL come". At that point it was about crises with students in our program.  Before that, something big would happen--a dropping out, an huge illness, even death--and it would throw us off and we'd be scrambling. Then I realized, we needed to anticipate, that crises would come. Once it became part of the thinking, it was easier--easier to allow and plan for the time that things might take, people that might need to be available, etc. We also made a plan for a 24-hour phone that ONE PERSON would carry at a time, and we would not all have to feel like we were all on call 24/7.

Now I need that same thinking again, but in other ways. I need to learn how to do big-picture planning. For that, I need time and space, and listening to God. But then these "crises" come up in the process, and then throw me for a major loop. These ones are of a different nature--people I thought I could rely on to carry a certain load, suddenly back away, and the load, or the decisions that are needed, land back on me. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? Sometimes it happens through miscommunication. Sometimes it is through immaturity. Sometimes it is a result of sudden loads that land on them--family and personal issues--and they have to adjust. For some...there are some things that can be done to prevent, for others ... maybe it just needs to once again become part of my thinking.

Somehow I need to learn to anticipate this sort of thing as part of this life, this job. And to remember...all along my Father knows. He has not been taken by surprise. He knew this would be coming, and he will give all I need for this time.


I don't need to lose my balance, I don't need to overreact. There can be peace each day, no matter what is coming! I do need to learn to plan for a lighter load though, because, things will happen, the load will be heavier than I foresee now.

Out of these Ashes

"Out of these ashes, beauty will rise"  --Steven Curtis Chapman song

I don't know how.

I don't know when.

But a time is coming.

It will happen.

Sometimes there are brief glimpses into the future, brief ideas of possibility. Something good will come of all the death and destruction that has been. Something good and strong and beautiful will rise out of the pain and distrust. 

A new day will dawn. 

Light will shine. 

Hope will rise. 

Joy will flow. 

Hope will shine. 

And on that day, the tears will be replaced by awe and wonder. 

Praise to our God shall resound.

And stories will be told--so many stories.

Stories of redemption.

Stories of rescue.

Stories of dark pits and despair exchanged for purpose and strength.

Stories of violence and abuse exchanged for treasuring and intimacy.

Stories of wimps--gutless, spineless men living only for their own pleasure--becoming men of courage, mighty in the land, respected and honoured by all. 

Stories of women--once broken and abused, pandering after affection, not knowing their worth--now standing straight, walking tall, but also bending down...to lift another, encourage the disheartened, extend a hand to the weak.

These are the stories that will be told.

Once the ashes settle.

Once the time of tears comes to an end.

Once the healing bears its fruit.

Once bitten by a snake...

In Chinese it goes this way:  一朝被蛇咬，十年怕井绳, translated: a person once bitten by a snake will for ten years shy at a rope.

Sure, I dropped my stone, but it's all still so very sensitive. I flipped, over-reacted, again today.  Oh, it's not just from that long-ago event and related issues, but from another earlier this week that really happened. Today's, was a perception, actually not just perception, but once again, "You did something different from what you said you would do. Can you be trusted at all?"

How do you get over jumping at every little thing that looks like a snake? Is it just a matter of time.  And an ongoing series...of dropping the stone, again, and again. Oh, and apologizing for overreacting...

Cry for the Children

We cry for the children, both big and small
The children we didn't want
The children we didn't love
And now they are gone
No more

The ones gone
No more because we didn't want them
We didn't want anyone to know
We wanted to go on with our pleasure without responsibility
So we took a pill, had a surgery

The ones gone
No more because we didn't like their gender
Or how much it would cost to keep them
So we left them by the side of the road
or at a government office

Gone...

And we cry for ourselves
We are the children that were not wanted
Almost given away
or given away twice over
We bear in our hearts the pain
The rejection

The sins of the fathers
Repeated again and again
They didn't want me
I didn't want mine

And now all that is left is to
Cry for the children 


(Yes, this one warrants a follow-up. I know...this is NOT the end, but now is a time to cry...)

I drop my stone...

Maybe that's what forgiveness is, just dropping the stone.

I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.

And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.

Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship. 

Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.

But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity. 

I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you".  Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation.  NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.

On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes." 

But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?"  "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.

Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.

Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
 
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.

Prodigal Father

Suddenly it hit him
Finally he knew
Everything he'd known before 
Had been a farce
All he'd invested
All he'd given
Believing it to be gratefully received and valued
     was gone

He had trusted the look in the eyes
Believing it to be
     Honour
     Respect
     Love
All a farce
All gone
Nothing but wind
Nothing but self-deception

And the pain that came
The anger
The hurt
How could he?
Why?

I gave you everything
I poured from my heart
Everything
     My heart
     My time
     My encouragement, 
     Years of wisdom
     I worked hard to help you learn
     In a way that you, especially you, would understand
And you ...
     You looked at me and smiled
     You nodded, urging me on
     You made me think you were listening, learning
     I was encouraged by the hope that it was making a difference
     That you were growing, and being helped
But you ...
Counted it as nothing
Threw it away
Trampled it in the ground
Poured it out while laughing in my face

What were you thinking while you looked at me and listened
Certainly not taking it in
     Now I know
I've been had
I've been taken

How do I...
How can I...
Get over the pain?
Everything I've worked for
All I've been investing in
Found to be a waste
How could I have ever been so misled
How can I ever trust again?
     or give again?

And yet he did
The hope was greater than the hurt
The love for his son
Could not be repressed
What he really wanted most of all
Was for him to come home
To turn
     And then come home
No matter the cost
No matter the foolishness
No matter the risk

Yes, son could take it all and waste it all again
But the father's love
Was just too extravagant to be able to hold back
Foolish it was
A waste

Or...
Just generous, extravagant love
That wipes away the past
Gives a fresh new start
and hope for new beginnings

The Father...
Doesn't seem to count the cost
Or...
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Any price is worth it
In the end
It will all be spent anyways
Why not spend it all on one to be loved
One who can be made new

Lament

"Without lament we have no way of being honest before God when bad things happen."

A couple of weeks ago I had a week that could best be described as "lament."  In some ways, this has been a big long season with bouts of lament, but that week I especially felt it.  I'm thankful to Erika Haub, for the above quote (and the link to the sermon from which it comes), that gave me the word ... lament. That week I was also referred to "That Dark Cloud" post by Karen Spears Zacharias (thanks to Jesus Creed's Weekly Meanderings!).  All letting me know--it is okay.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to feel the darkness, and lament before our God.

One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.

Now I know...

I used to think going out in a blaze of glory was the way it should happen.
I used to think I would leave this planet young.
I used to think it would be so much better to be a blazing flame for Jesus--better to burn out, then forever be only such a tiny flicker that no one ever noticed.

But now I know.
Going young and quick would have been the easiest path.
And I...
I am going to need the years...
If all I am going to present to Jesus at the end of this life
Is my transformed self
Then I am going to need a LOT of years.
I think I'll need about 50... at least!

Maybe by 90 I'll have learned...
To love
To forgive
To freely share this grace that He's lavished on me

Until then
Or, through the years till then
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Please change this heart of stone
into flesh.

Let the Ark of God Fall...

This time the lessons I need to learn about laying down my anxiety come from God Himself.

At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.

And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.

He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.

How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?

In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.

Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.

In Pursuit of Wisdom

A good question was asked at A Place for the God Hungry:  "Am I a person who is growing in wisdom? Or, am I a person who simply gathers bits and pieces of Googled information?" It is too easy to be that latter.

It was a good follow-up to the only verse that jumped out as possibly specifically "for me" in this morning's reading.  It said: "Trusting in oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe" (Prov. 28:26, NLT), and I was left wondering...which am I doing? I'm not supposed to trust myself. And yet, when I trust in wisdom, there is a sense in which it is also coming out of me. This verse doesn't say just blindly trust others. And, of late, I find myself being open and honest with others, allowing them to see, allowing (wanting) them to comment and mirror back to me, but sometimes I am dissatisfied with their responses. Sometimes the words of others are wisdom, sometimes they are not.

"Wisdom is about understanding and becoming a certain kind of person" is a part of another point to ponder on that same page. Am I becoming a person of wisdom?

Today...I need to resist the distractions. I've already been ensnared a few times. 

Open my eyes

Jesus, Son of David, 
Have mercy on me

What do I want you to do for me?
I want you to open my eyes
I want to see

I am so blind
My eyes are weak

Open my eyes to see You
to see Your goodness
     Your good plans
     Your faithfulness

Open my eyes to see others
to see the good
to see the potential
the hope to which You have called them

Open my eyes to see what you are doing
the promise to which you have called us
the beautiful bride you are purifying
the treasure You see in the midst of ashes

Blind me to the sins
the wrongs
the dirt

Oh God, open my eyes
I am blind
I am needy

Oh Jesus, Son of David, 
Have mercy!

Talking to Trees

Some people (like my friend P.T.L.) think of birds--flying and soaring--when they imagine the abundant life we were meant to live. For others (like Thirsty Fool), animals (like a pet dog) provide analogies and metophors for the spiritual life.

I, however, often think of trees. There are so many analogies--the need for deep roots, how we get deep roots, good fruit only from a tree that is good, the time it takes and now hard it is to notice the daily, weekly or even monthly growth of some of the trees that become the strongest and live the longest.

Hardly a suprise then, I guess... As I spent my last day out of the country that has been my home, listening to my Father, hoping for a summary or some final word on what I have learned or how I should go forward, I found myself noticing...first one tree, then another.

Soon I'll post ... what I said to the trees.

And in the learning, in the reflection, I guess this is really more about God speaking to me, through the trees.

Ah...Missed Opportunities

Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...

A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...

And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...

So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence.  It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine.  Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations).  Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).

This is What I've Been Doing

Times of extended retreat give us a chance to come home to ourselves in God's presence and to bring the realities of our lives to God in utter privacy. 

This is important for us and for those we serve. 

When we repress what is real in our life and just keep soldiering on, 

we get weary from holding it in, and eventually it leaks out in ways that are damaging to ourselves and to others. 

But on retreat there is time and space to attend to what is real in my own life--to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed tears, 

sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness

--and allow God to be with me in those places.

These are not times for problem-solving or fixing, 

because not everything can be fixed or solved. 

On retreat we rest in God and wait on him to do what is needed. 

Eventually we return to the battle with fresh energy and keener insight.

(p. 123 Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, R.H. Barton)

This is what I've been doing in my time away. "Fresh energy and keener insight", this is what I've been hoping for.