Cry for the Children
We cry for the children, both big and small
The children we didn't want
The children we didn't love
And now they are gone
No more
The ones gone
No more because we didn't want them
We didn't want anyone to know
We wanted to go on with our pleasure without responsibility
So we took a pill, had a surgery
The ones gone
No more because we didn't like their gender
Or how much it would cost to keep them
So we left them by the side of the road
or at a government office
Gone...
And we cry for ourselves
We are the children that were not wanted
Almost given away
or given away twice over
We bear in our hearts the pain
The rejection
The sins of the fathers
Repeated again and again
They didn't want me
I didn't want mine
And now all that is left is to
Cry for the children
(Yes, this one warrants a follow-up. I know...this is NOT the end, but now is a time to cry...)
I drop my stone...
Maybe that's what forgiveness is, just dropping the stone.
I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.
And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.
Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship.
Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.
But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity.
I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you". Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation. NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.
On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes."
But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?" "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.
Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.
Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.
I've been wrestling, choosing to forgive, but then wondering if I really have. Is it forgiveness if I still remember? But I may never truly forget. It is the anger that sometimes comes with the remembering that makes me think there is work yet to be done.
And so I have spent much time before the Lord about this. Trying to learn how to forgive, figure out what exactly forgiveness is, and sometimes wondering if I am just playing games to avoid doing what I just need to do.
Forgiveness and trust are two different issues. Okay, so it makes sense that there can be forgiveness, but still a change in the relationship.
Forgiveness means agreeing to live with the consequences, pay the price, of the wrong that has been done (you have to live with them anyways--just a matter of whether or not you are willing). Okay...so I tried to think through that...what are the consequences? Perhaps listing and mental assent would help.
But then...
I participated in an activity--a "Living Scripture" analogy. It was about the woman caught in adultery--a reading of the passage, then a more personalized interpretive reading. At the end, an activity.
I knew this activity was coming...I had known for several weeks. I wanted to be able to say, with all integrity "neither do I condemn you". Ah, but in my heart I do sometimes still condemn (rotten heart of mine), and want to hold onto the condemnation. NO!! They must go free. They must be forgiven... I kept bringing this before the Lord.
On the day ... I handed the stone, and said, "Neither do I condemn you." (It is a choice to forgive. I can do this. this is my choice.) They looked at me ... not reaching out to take the stone. I asked, "Is there anyone left to condemn you?" They said, "Yes."
But then I rephrased it, and this is where the new understanding came. "Is there anyone without sin, that can cast the first stone?" (pause) "I am not. I am not without sin, I can't condemn you." The answer to "anyone without sin?" "Yes, One." But what did He say? He didn't condemn either.
Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more.
Maybe that's all forgiveness is--dropping the stone. When the memories come, when the anger threatens to surface--remember being there in the crowd, and the One without sin looking at me and saying... and remembering...
No, I am not without sin, I have no stone to throw at you. I drop my stone.
Prodigal Father
Suddenly it hit him
Finally he knew
Everything he'd known before
Had been a farce
All he'd invested
All he'd given
Believing it to be gratefully received and valued
was gone
He had trusted the look in the eyes
Believing it to be
Honour
Respect
Love
All a farce
All gone
Nothing but wind
Nothing but self-deception
And the pain that came
The anger
The hurt
How could he?
Why?
I gave you everything
I poured from my heart
Everything
My heart
My time
My encouragement,
Years of wisdom
I worked hard to help you learn
In a way that you, especially you, would understand
And you ...
You looked at me and smiled
You nodded, urging me on
You made me think you were listening, learning
I was encouraged by the hope that it was making a difference
That you were growing, and being helped
But you ...
Counted it as nothing
Threw it away
Trampled it in the ground
Poured it out while laughing in my face
What were you thinking while you looked at me and listened
Certainly not taking it in
Now I know
I've been had
I've been taken
How do I...
How can I...
Get over the pain?
Everything I've worked for
All I've been investing in
Found to be a waste
How could I have ever been so misled
How can I ever trust again?
or give again?
And yet he did
The hope was greater than the hurt
The love for his son
Could not be repressed
What he really wanted most of all
Was for him to come home
To turn
And then come home
No matter the cost
No matter the foolishness
No matter the risk
Yes, son could take it all and waste it all again
But the father's love
Was just too extravagant to be able to hold back
Foolish it was
A waste
Or...
Just generous, extravagant love
That wipes away the past
Gives a fresh new start
and hope for new beginnings
The Father...
Doesn't seem to count the cost
Or...
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Any price is worth it
In the end
It will all be spent anyways
Why not spend it all on one to be loved
One who can be made new
Finally he knew
Everything he'd known before
Had been a farce
All he'd invested
All he'd given
Believing it to be gratefully received and valued
was gone
He had trusted the look in the eyes
Believing it to be
Honour
Respect
Love
All a farce
All gone
Nothing but wind
Nothing but self-deception
And the pain that came
The anger
The hurt
How could he?
Why?
I gave you everything
I poured from my heart
Everything
My heart
My time
My encouragement,
Years of wisdom
I worked hard to help you learn
In a way that you, especially you, would understand
And you ...
You looked at me and smiled
You nodded, urging me on
You made me think you were listening, learning
I was encouraged by the hope that it was making a difference
That you were growing, and being helped
But you ...
Counted it as nothing
Threw it away
Trampled it in the ground
Poured it out while laughing in my face
What were you thinking while you looked at me and listened
Certainly not taking it in
Now I know
I've been had
I've been taken
How do I...
How can I...
Get over the pain?
Everything I've worked for
All I've been investing in
Found to be a waste
How could I have ever been so misled
How can I ever trust again?
or give again?
And yet he did
The hope was greater than the hurt
The love for his son
Could not be repressed
What he really wanted most of all
Was for him to come home
To turn
And then come home
No matter the cost
No matter the foolishness
No matter the risk
Yes, son could take it all and waste it all again
But the father's love
Was just too extravagant to be able to hold back
Foolish it was
A waste
Or...
Just generous, extravagant love
That wipes away the past
Gives a fresh new start
and hope for new beginnings
The Father...
Doesn't seem to count the cost
Or...
Maybe it just doesn't matter
Any price is worth it
In the end
It will all be spent anyways
Why not spend it all on one to be loved
One who can be made new
Lament
"Without lament we have no way of being honest before God when bad things happen."
A couple of weeks ago I had a week that could best be described as "lament." In some ways, this has been a big long season with bouts of lament, but that week I especially felt it. I'm thankful to Erika Haub, for the above quote (and the link to the sermon from which it comes), that gave me the word ... lament. That week I was also referred to "That Dark Cloud" post by Karen Spears Zacharias (thanks to Jesus Creed's Weekly Meanderings!). All letting me know--it is okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to feel the darkness, and lament before our God.
One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.
One night that week, when the tears were coming, I found and purchased two albums that I would recommend for times of lament--Bebo Norman's Ocean and Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise. They contain songs of pain, searching, seeking and waiting on God through the night. There are also songs of choosing to trust and remembering He is faithful, but not in some flighty, it-will-be-okay-in-two-seconds sort of way. I just listened again to Bebo Norman's "Remember us" and "God of my Everything" ... ah...beautiful.
Now I know...
I used to think going out in a blaze of glory was the way it should happen.
I used to think I would leave this planet young.
I used to think it would be so much better to be a blazing flame for Jesus--better to burn out, then forever be only such a tiny flicker that no one ever noticed.
But now I know.
Going young and quick would have been the easiest path.
And I...
I am going to need the years...
If all I am going to present to Jesus at the end of this life
Is my transformed self
Then I am going to need a LOT of years.
I think I'll need about 50... at least!
Maybe by 90 I'll have learned...
To love
To forgive
To freely share this grace that He's lavished on me
Until then
Or, through the years till then
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Please change this heart of stone
into flesh.
I used to think I would leave this planet young.
I used to think it would be so much better to be a blazing flame for Jesus--better to burn out, then forever be only such a tiny flicker that no one ever noticed.
But now I know.
Going young and quick would have been the easiest path.
And I...
I am going to need the years...
If all I am going to present to Jesus at the end of this life
Is my transformed self
Then I am going to need a LOT of years.
I think I'll need about 50... at least!
Maybe by 90 I'll have learned...
To love
To forgive
To freely share this grace that He's lavished on me
Until then
Or, through the years till then
Lord have mercy
Christ have mercy
Please change this heart of stone
into flesh.
Let the Ark of God Fall...
This time the lessons I need to learn about laying down my anxiety come from God Himself.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
At the beginning of the year, when reading the beginning of Genesis, I noticed and had the thought--He was there, He saw it, yet did nothing, said nothing. As Eve was reaching out for that fruit, there was no "uh uh" from on high. No "Hey wait, what do you think you're doing? Don't you remember?" Nope. The fall of the human race was about to occur, and He just left them to their decision.
And Jesus...He had just died and rose again, and the disciples were just starting to finally get it, when He left. He just left, just like that. He left the future of church history completely in their hands. Oh, He empowered and equipped them and all, but it really was left to them.
He doesn't seem to get nearly as anxious as I do about people messing things up, getting it wrong, not following through on instructions. Even with them choosing horrible sin that He gets to watch, He holds back.
How does He pull it off? I'm not quite sure, but I'm asking Him to show me how to do the same. How do I become a person that is not anxious about these things, that does not fear the consequences? How do I lay down my anxiety about these things?
In one sermon I've listened too over and over again, there is one line that jumped out at me: "Let the ark of God fall, I'm not going to touch it." He says prayer is one of the key ways we can live without anxiety--at least two hours a day for him, and that means praying through all plans, everying on the calendar from here through the year. When you have prayed through things so thoroughly, and something happens...even the ark of God can fall, and you don't need to touch it. You know it is in God's hands.
Must learn to rest, even with the potential of arks falling.
In Pursuit of Wisdom
A good question was asked at A Place for the God Hungry: "Am I a person who is growing in wisdom? Or, am I a person who simply gathers bits and pieces of Googled information?" It is too easy to be that latter.
It was a good follow-up to the only verse that jumped out as possibly specifically "for me" in this morning's reading. It said: "Trusting in oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe" (Prov. 28:26, NLT), and I was left wondering...which am I doing? I'm not supposed to trust myself. And yet, when I trust in wisdom, there is a sense in which it is also coming out of me. This verse doesn't say just blindly trust others. And, of late, I find myself being open and honest with others, allowing them to see, allowing (wanting) them to comment and mirror back to me, but sometimes I am dissatisfied with their responses. Sometimes the words of others are wisdom, sometimes they are not.
It was a good follow-up to the only verse that jumped out as possibly specifically "for me" in this morning's reading. It said: "Trusting in oneself is foolish, but those who walk in wisdom are safe" (Prov. 28:26, NLT), and I was left wondering...which am I doing? I'm not supposed to trust myself. And yet, when I trust in wisdom, there is a sense in which it is also coming out of me. This verse doesn't say just blindly trust others. And, of late, I find myself being open and honest with others, allowing them to see, allowing (wanting) them to comment and mirror back to me, but sometimes I am dissatisfied with their responses. Sometimes the words of others are wisdom, sometimes they are not.
"Wisdom is about understanding and becoming a certain kind of person" is a part of another point to ponder on that same page. Am I becoming a person of wisdom?
Today...I need to resist the distractions. I've already been ensnared a few times.
Open my eyes
Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy on me
What do I want you to do for me?
I want you to open my eyes
I want to see
I am so blind
My eyes are weak
Open my eyes to see You
to see Your goodness
Your good plans
Your faithfulness
Open my eyes to see others
to see the good
to see the potential
the hope to which You have called them
Open my eyes to see what you are doing
the promise to which you have called us
the beautiful bride you are purifying
the treasure You see in the midst of ashes
Blind me to the sins
the wrongs
the dirt
Oh God, open my eyes
I am blind
I am needy
Oh Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy!
Have mercy on me
What do I want you to do for me?
I want you to open my eyes
I want to see
I am so blind
My eyes are weak
Open my eyes to see You
to see Your goodness
Your good plans
Your faithfulness
Open my eyes to see others
to see the good
to see the potential
the hope to which You have called them
Open my eyes to see what you are doing
the promise to which you have called us
the beautiful bride you are purifying
the treasure You see in the midst of ashes
Blind me to the sins
the wrongs
the dirt
Oh God, open my eyes
I am blind
I am needy
Oh Jesus, Son of David,
Have mercy!
Talking to Trees
Some people (like my friend P.T.L.) think of birds--flying and soaring--when they imagine the abundant life we were meant to live. For others (like Thirsty Fool), animals (like a pet dog) provide analogies and metophors for the spiritual life.
I, however, often think of trees. There are so many analogies--the need for deep roots, how we get deep roots, good fruit only from a tree that is good, the time it takes and now hard it is to notice the daily, weekly or even monthly growth of some of the trees that become the strongest and live the longest.
Hardly a suprise then, I guess... As I spent my last day out of the country that has been my home, listening to my Father, hoping for a summary or some final word on what I have learned or how I should go forward, I found myself noticing...first one tree, then another.
Soon I'll post ... what I said to the trees.
And in the learning, in the reflection, I guess this is really more about God speaking to me, through the trees.
I, however, often think of trees. There are so many analogies--the need for deep roots, how we get deep roots, good fruit only from a tree that is good, the time it takes and now hard it is to notice the daily, weekly or even monthly growth of some of the trees that become the strongest and live the longest.
Hardly a suprise then, I guess... As I spent my last day out of the country that has been my home, listening to my Father, hoping for a summary or some final word on what I have learned or how I should go forward, I found myself noticing...first one tree, then another.
Soon I'll post ... what I said to the trees.
And in the learning, in the reflection, I guess this is really more about God speaking to me, through the trees.
Ah...Missed Opportunities
Today, toward the end of the day, I discovered a couple of great things that were going on today in this city, but I didn't know about them earlier, so...
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
A speaker from Canada, led an all-day session here in Hong Kong today about mid-life, transition, discerning and spirituality. Last time I heard him speak was in 2006 in Hong Kong--a message I later downloaded, and listened to again and again. But alas...
And...I just found out, there is a Silent Retreat going on today--right here! Right at the very retreat centre at which I am staying!! Ah...that would have been so good--to be guided to the silence and presence I so desire. Well, there was only space for 10, and I have no idea if it was full in advance or not, but...
So, instead, I had my own struggle to get to stillness and silence. It took a long time to get there, and I'm left still wondering why, still trying to figure out what goes on in this heart and head of mine. Perhaps it is being out of place (my home!) and rhythm (travelling, moving between locations). Perhaps I still need to develop some habits that will take me there (working on it, believe me, I AM working on it, and I have hope they WILL help take me there).
This is What I've Been Doing
Times of extended retreat give us a chance to come home to ourselves in God's presence and to bring the realities of our lives to God in utter privacy.
This is important for us and for those we serve.
When we repress what is real in our life and just keep soldiering on,
we get weary from holding it in, and eventually it leaks out in ways that are damaging to ourselves and to others.
But on retreat there is time and space to attend to what is real in my own life--to celebrate the joys, grieve the losses, shed tears,
sit with the questions, feel my anger, attend to my loneliness
--and allow God to be with me in those places.
These are not times for problem-solving or fixing,
because not everything can be fixed or solved.
On retreat we rest in God and wait on him to do what is needed.
Eventually we return to the battle with fresh energy and keener insight.
(p. 123 Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, R.H. Barton)
This is what I've been doing in my time away. "Fresh energy and keener insight", this is what I've been hoping for.
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
from Henri Nouwen's book The Inner Voice of Love, on the web here.
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
The question is 'Can you stand erect in your pain, your loneliness, your fears, and your experience of being rejected?' The danger is that you will be swept off your feet by these feelings. They will be here for a long time, and they will go on tempting you to be drowned in them. But you are called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on your feet.
Remember, Mary stood under the cross. She suffered her sorrow standing. Remember, Jesus spoke about the cosmic disasters and the glorious appearance of the Son of Man and said to his disciples, 'When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand' (Luke 2:28). Remember, Peter and John cured the crippled man who was begging at the temple entrance. Peter said to him, 'In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!' (Act 3:6). Then he took him by the right hand and helped him to stand up.
You have to dare to stand erect in your struggles. The temptation is to complain, to beg, to be overwhelmed and find your satisfaction in the pity you evoke. But you know already that this is not gaining for you what your heart most desires. As long as you remain standing, you can speak freely to others, reach out to them, and receive from them. Thus you speak and act from your center and invite others to speak and act from theirs. In this way, real friendships are possible and real community can be formed. God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing.
This passage was "for me" the other day when I first read it, as are so many chapters in The Inner Voice of Love. I must learn to stand.
There is something I have discovered in recent years, and it is a great paradox--the more I seek to know God, and the more I seek to enter into and be His hand and heart addressing the problems in the world, the more it hurts. Sometimes...it just hurts real bad! And I wonder how we are supposed to take it. Or I wonder--at the fairness of this, yeah, know Light so much clearer, and then the Darkness looks so much more evil. Sure doesn't feel like an improvement sometimes.
But I can learn to stand. I can avoid those temptations Nouwen names so clearly. "God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing."
Stand Erect in Your Sorrow
The question is 'Can you stand erect in your pain, your loneliness, your fears, and your experience of being rejected?' The danger is that you will be swept off your feet by these feelings. They will be here for a long time, and they will go on tempting you to be drowned in them. But you are called to acknowledge them and feel them while remaining on your feet.
Remember, Mary stood under the cross. She suffered her sorrow standing. Remember, Jesus spoke about the cosmic disasters and the glorious appearance of the Son of Man and said to his disciples, 'When these things begin to take place, stand erect, hold your heads high, because your liberation is near at hand' (Luke 2:28). Remember, Peter and John cured the crippled man who was begging at the temple entrance. Peter said to him, 'In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, walk!' (Act 3:6). Then he took him by the right hand and helped him to stand up.
You have to dare to stand erect in your struggles. The temptation is to complain, to beg, to be overwhelmed and find your satisfaction in the pity you evoke. But you know already that this is not gaining for you what your heart most desires. As long as you remain standing, you can speak freely to others, reach out to them, and receive from them. Thus you speak and act from your center and invite others to speak and act from theirs. In this way, real friendships are possible and real community can be formed. God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing.
This passage was "for me" the other day when I first read it, as are so many chapters in The Inner Voice of Love. I must learn to stand.
There is something I have discovered in recent years, and it is a great paradox--the more I seek to know God, and the more I seek to enter into and be His hand and heart addressing the problems in the world, the more it hurts. Sometimes...it just hurts real bad! And I wonder how we are supposed to take it. Or I wonder--at the fairness of this, yeah, know Light so much clearer, and then the Darkness looks so much more evil. Sure doesn't feel like an improvement sometimes.
But I can learn to stand. I can avoid those temptations Nouwen names so clearly. "God gives you the strength to stand in your struggles and to respond to them standing."
Joy is BMW
That's what it said--the huge ad on the side of a skyscraper in Bangkok. I did not get to try out a BMW to see if it brought joy, but imagined... Ah, driving a nice car--might be fun, but joy? uh...don't think so.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
"A cup of happiness" said the gourmet coffee machine at McDonald's. Now that I did try. The coffee was okay, but happiness?
Nope, not what I'm looking for when I say I want JOY.
I want to
...wake up with a smile on my face and hope in my heart.
...live with a knowing that I am loved, even when trials and opposition comes.
...sing, at least in my heart, even while knowing there is evil all around.
...have conversations where I completely forget myself--where I am completely free to care for and love the other, and completely free to walk away unbound, regardless of their response.
It's an undaunted optimism.
It's a hope in God and His goodness, even when I cannot see.
It's a steadiness in knowing who I am, but not in the eyes of other people.
I want joy, sourced only in my God, to become deeply rooted in my soul, and become one of the main things I am known for. I am not there yet, but I want to go there.
Great Place to Spend a Day!
I was there about 8 hours. I was kind of tired at the beginning--hadn't eaten or had anything to drink for 9 hours--that means...no morning coffee! But after a while I started waking up. Once I could drink some juice, I think the sugar kicked in and I was alert enough to think and read. I did my daily Bible reading, caught up on yesterday's and today's. Did some journalling and pondering too. I was seated in the midst of the nations it seemed--so many differing modes of dress--mostly from Arabic nationalites and countries. For my last couple of hours, I was first in the bookstore (somehow it always feels good to buy a good book), then I meandered up the escalator to the food court where I enjoyed a chicken quesadilla while reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and let my mind ponder how we might become more successful at "stewardship delegation" in our office. The atmosphere was quiet and clean, with lots of green and open spaces--so conducive to a quiet soul and pondering. On the way out I picked up a low-fat grande latte from Starbucks, and I was on my way home.
Where was I having such a nice day? At the hospital, of course--Bumrungrad International. Now at how many hospitals would you say that after visiting for 8 hours?
Sometimes my prayer...
...is just a bunch of poured out fears. Sometimes there is pain, and I just lay there in bed, heart exposed, tears flowing...it doesn't even feel like "prayer." Sometimes it seems I don't even know how to pray anymore, or that I have forgotten to seriously pray for others for a very long time. Sometimes it seems like I'm constantly praying--I have been thinking through many things, consciously lifting up all thoughts and anticipating His coming answer...all afternoon, or all day. Sometimes my prayers flow more from my anxieties than from my faith--worry-driven prayer.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Anxiety-as-prayer--in a very real way, it does not honour Him. It does not trust. It does not recognize Him as someone who loves me, who cares, who has power to change things, and is interested in acting on my behalf in all ways good and true. Like the child who keeps asking mom or dad if they are really going to follow-through on their promises. If my kid acted like that--wow, that would hurt. Don't you know me by now? What kind of person am I? Do I just loosely say I will do something and then not follow-through?
Yet, while some of the heart of these prayers is not yet right, not yet pure, taking it to Him, is still the best thing to do. And, I believe He honours that. At least I am taking it to Him, and not somewhere else (oh, I do that too sometimes). At least in bringing it to Him, I am still engaged in this relationship, where I can be changed, and He can show me where the heart is not quite right.
In this sort of prayer, there is a belief that I am loved, and this does honour Him. I am loved beyond what I can imagine. This is the safest place. All the performing, all the trying...I don't have to do that here. I can be me, just as it is--in-process, somehow beautiful to Him--and be loved and accepted here.
And so I pray. I pray like this.
Forays of the Prodigal
Did he ever run away again?
After going so far
Living so low
Repenting so completely
Knowing such grace…
Did he ever leave again?
He never imagined he would
How could he want to?
That night at the banquet
He was a truly changed man
This mercy, this grace
He could only be thankful
But not too long after
He felt it again
Those same frustrations
Same temptations
He just had to leave
Oh, the forays were different now
Not as long
Not as far
Sometimes the distance was only emotional, inside
And the time gone
Each time became shorter
Sooner, he “came to his senses”
But one thing never changed
Always was his Father waiting there
Always he came running
Always were the arms wide open
Always was there complete forgiveness and grace
For he had always been
The beloved son
He had always been heir
Meant to live out the family name
It did take time though
To grow into the reality
A Prayer for Children
I saw this today, and wept...pray for the children (source listed at bottom).
A Prayer for Children
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
Lord of Life,
We pray for scampy children
who sneak popsicles before supper,
who erase holes in math workbooks,
who can never find their shoes.
God of Compassion,
We pray for children
who can't bound down the street in a new pair of sneakers,
who never play tag or go to the circus,
who live in an X-rated world.
Loving Father,
We thank you for the children
who bring us sticky kisses and fistfuls of dandelions,
who hug us in a hurry and forget their lunch money.
And we hurt for those
who never get dessert,
who have no safe blanket to drag behind them,
who don't have rooms to clean up,
whose pictures aren't on anybody's dresser,
whose monsters are real.
Gracious God, help us be gracious to children
who spend their allowance before Tuesday,
who throw tantrums in the grocery store and pick at their food,
who like ghost stories,
who shove dirty clothes under the bed,
who don't like to be kissed in front of the carpool,
who squirm in church and scream in the phone,
whose tears we sometimes laugh at and
whose smiles can make us cry.
Almighty God, help us bring justice for those children
Whose nightmares come in the daytime,
Who will eat anything
Who have never seen dentist,
Who aren't spoiled by anybody,
Who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep,
Who live and move, but have no being
Lord Jesus, we thank you that you are the One who welcomes children, may we do so as well
We pray for all children
Who want to be carried, who don’t want to be carried and for those who must,
We pray that we would never give up on any of them
And that you would gather them up,
Cuddle them like lost sheep
And release them to be your love, light, and salt in the world.
For we believe Lord in your kingdom – your playground
Where goodness is stronger than evil
Love is stronger than hate
Light is stronger than darkness
Truth is stronger than lies
We need not be afraid.
I saw this on Don Johnson's blog, originally from Jon Lemmond--both are pastors in California.
Preparing to Draw
And while I draw, may I relax, leave the worry...call it 'prayer drawing' or 'listening drawing'.
May my mind be free to be led by You, God. May the thoughts, ideas receive the time and space they need to mature, or ferment or ripen. Or maybe it is that I need the time and space to mature, ferment or ripen in the process. Do Your work in me, Good God.
Silence and Solitude
Today I am aiming for more solitude and silence, but not very sure what I am doing, not much sure what a "successful" result will be, what the final picture will look like. I'm taking my meals and eating alone--otherwise I will so easily and deeply engage with all the interesting people at the table. But...if it is solitude I want, what am I doing online, 'connecting' through the web? And what am I doing writing--sure, no audio, but voicing thoughts.
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
I hardly know what silence and solitude should look like, and my mind is so full of ideas and so easily distracted that it is hard work to get there. And, I'm not even sure what the result will be. But I am here. I will limit my internet use. And as for the result, I trust the words of those more experience than I.
In Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership Ruth Haley Barton says,
Solitude will do its good work whether we know what we are doing or not. One of the primary functions of solitude is to settle ourselves in God's presence. This is not easy and it takes time. But it is the answer to the heart cry that erupts when we have been distracted for too long by surface concerns. 'I have lost myself!' we cry. Solitude is the only way to find ourselves again. And the longer we have been lost to ourselves, caught up with external stimulation, the longer it takes to find our way home again. (p. 41)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
...we need to be careful of ourselves and our expectations. Most of what happens in solitude is happening under the surface, and God is doing it. Just as most of what's happening in the ocean is under the surface and most of what's happening to a seed in winter is under the earth, so the most important stuff that is happening to the human soul in solitude is happening under the surface, where only God knows about it. (pp 41-42)
...solitude, that place where God is at work beyond what we are able to do for ourselves or would even know how to do for ourselves. (p. 43)
So...I'm here LORD, it's an attempt at solitude...actually, this whole vacation time is a pulling away from the usual distractions, to settle myself in Your presence. Please, do Your work O God. Do something real, something needed, something real important...even if I am unaware.
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
What about you? Do you practise times of silence and solitude? What has been your experience? What kind of struggles did you have in the process? Rewards of the practise?
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