I've been waiting before the Lord. I've been wondering what is wrong, why it is so hard to lay this down. Is it unforgiveness, or just that trust has not yet been rebuilt? Or is it simply a big pile of disappointment? In this process, and as I posted earlier, I am struggling to love, or to know if I'm loving. My emotions don't feel much like "love", yet in my actions, I can choose to do good, and, well, is this not in itself love?
I've also wondered if it is grief, or a grief process, as an era comes to an end. This is the explanation that makes most sense at this point.
Last week I deliberately chose to not follow the through-the-year reading plan I'm on, and over and over encounter, dwell in, 1 Cor. 13, and 1 John--asking the Lord to speak to my soul and lead me in the way of love.
On one quiet afternoon, I ended the silent time listening to a few songs (mostly to silence and not be irritated by the conversations starting up downstairs), the conversation between my Lord and I became much deeper, much closer.
And it was as if I heard Him say, "You can be sad, but not bitter."
Yes, this I know. I cannot let bitterness form and take root. I must not let my heart be hard. This I know, but hearing Him say it was deeply affirming.
I wonder how much longer I will cry. I wonder when I might see this set of circumstances with more clarity. I wonder when I will be certain that it really isn't lack of forgiveness, only sadness or disappointment in my heart. And I wonder when the sadness and disappointment will fade into history and lose their bite.
Until then, sad is okay, but not bitter. I will seek to discern the difference in the taste, and allow the one, but spit out the other.
Found Wanting...
Not quite sure what to make of this aching in my heart. Not quite sure of what sort of healing needs to happen, or why it's hurt for so long. Not even sure that I'm sure of the nature of the pain. Is it ... or is it...?
Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.
Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.
When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.
I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting.
Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.
Maybe the hurt is just that...it is not what I expected. I guess I wanted some sort of reward, some sort of something that said it was all worth it, some sort of "thank you." Funny, there has been "thank you" but I don't believe it. The actions don't seem to match. Or else my heart is just hard.
Maybe it's not so much about forgiveness, or trust, but about laying down "rights". (Maybe that is what forgiveness is too.) No rights. I follow a Master who laid aside His, but wow do I cling to mine, petty though they are.
When will I learn--to give and serve for nothing, and when it really is nothing, to still love, still bless, not resent.
I'm in the test of my love--tested, weighed in the balance...and found wanting.
Jesus, ravish this heart of mine with the love of Yours. Melt the ice, break the walls, crush the stone. I don't want to live petty and small, but can't seem to break free to livng out Your spacious, magnanimous grace and mercy.
Annual Offsite
The world Staff Retreat keeps coming up, but "retreat" is not quite the right word, if it evokes the idea of "vacation". I guess if you see it more from a tactical "retreat, regroup, re-inspire the troops, strategize and go at it again" perspective, then, yes, we are having our staff retreat this week.
I am, once again, hoping and praying for insight, direction, and breakthroughs. I don't seem to see very far into the future, nor very deep into people's personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I see problems. I see frustrations. And I DO see growth and progress. I have some ideas about how we need to go forward, but just for the next few steps. And the picture is partial. We need ideas and insights from others for it to work--we need to have this team, really be a TEAM.
Oh, team, yeah, I am really hoping that some good discussion will be generated by "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" by Patrick Lencioni. Most all of them will have read it, and feedback so far has been good. But will we be able to really dive in and apply it to our situation? Will we leave the retreat with specific next steps regarding what we discover about our team dynamics, and how to improve them? That will be part of the plan.
So I have been working, and still need to do a fair amount of work, to facilitate a retreat that will be both very useful and meaningful towards helping us gain clarity, and know what we are shooting for over the next year, as well as refreshing and encouraging personally. We need tangible, measurable, doable goals that when accomplished will contribute significantly to our vision. We need to figure out how each of us specifically fits into the action plans. And I want each of the staff members to grow personally as a result of this time together. I want us to be closer, more respect, more caring, more committed to our team vision.
I'm particularly looking forward to each night's bedtime reading--The Magician's Nephew, by C.S. Lewis. They...never new the joys of 'bedtime stories' as children. I hope they will enjoy it now, and perhaps start a new tradition in the next generation.
I am, once again, hoping and praying for insight, direction, and breakthroughs. I don't seem to see very far into the future, nor very deep into people's personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I see problems. I see frustrations. And I DO see growth and progress. I have some ideas about how we need to go forward, but just for the next few steps. And the picture is partial. We need ideas and insights from others for it to work--we need to have this team, really be a TEAM.
Oh, team, yeah, I am really hoping that some good discussion will be generated by "The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team" by Patrick Lencioni. Most all of them will have read it, and feedback so far has been good. But will we be able to really dive in and apply it to our situation? Will we leave the retreat with specific next steps regarding what we discover about our team dynamics, and how to improve them? That will be part of the plan.
So I have been working, and still need to do a fair amount of work, to facilitate a retreat that will be both very useful and meaningful towards helping us gain clarity, and know what we are shooting for over the next year, as well as refreshing and encouraging personally. We need tangible, measurable, doable goals that when accomplished will contribute significantly to our vision. We need to figure out how each of us specifically fits into the action plans. And I want each of the staff members to grow personally as a result of this time together. I want us to be closer, more respect, more caring, more committed to our team vision.
I'm particularly looking forward to each night's bedtime reading--The Magician's Nephew, by C.S. Lewis. They...never new the joys of 'bedtime stories' as children. I hope they will enjoy it now, and perhaps start a new tradition in the next generation.
"Help me not to be a poophead..."
Yep, that is actually what I prayed as I was going up the steps to be with some friends for dinner--"a time of sharing and encouragement" was what the invitation said. And I...didn't feel like encouraging, couldn't see anything to be encouraging about, somehow got my knickers in a knot about something. So, I asked God to help me not to be a poophead. And He did. The evening was enjoyable, connecting with old friends. And in the sharing, several shared about the spiritual battle they have been sensing lately. One lives in the building with someone who has spirits come over her, and she uses 'ghosts' to drive out other 'ghosts'. And I wondered...could what I was feeling be related to that?
I am so prone to poopheadedness. I can just be ornery about ... nothing! It is good when I can see it, and pray about it.
Where it comes from...I am sure there is lots of it still in me...these parts not yet fully refined and transformed. And then, I'm quite sure there is an enemy who prowls about and takes advantage of the situation, stimulates those parts.
Oh, but God, help me not to be such a poophead--at work, on the street, with friends and family.
And thank you, for loving poopheads like me!
I am so prone to poopheadedness. I can just be ornery about ... nothing! It is good when I can see it, and pray about it.
Where it comes from...I am sure there is lots of it still in me...these parts not yet fully refined and transformed. And then, I'm quite sure there is an enemy who prowls about and takes advantage of the situation, stimulates those parts.
Oh, but God, help me not to be such a poophead--at work, on the street, with friends and family.
And thank you, for loving poopheads like me!
First Things
Some things, if they are to happen at all, must be done FIRST THING in the morning. Maybe this seems like it is going to be a post about time morning time with the LORD, but it's not! That one, I already know it needs to happen right away in the morning--before work, before meeting the distractions of the day.
But now I'm realizing, I also need to put exercise into that time slot. This soul, this spirit, this person, is housed in a BODY that is all too often neglected. I get so busy, and working too many hours, and then lethargic. Exercise happens less and less, and with that--more lethargy, and even longer hours as it seems I don't have the mental energy to make the good decisions for the rest of the time.
I don't want the quiet time to be short-changed, but more exercise might help my mind to be alert at that time too. Two days ago I popped in my Walk At Home DVD with the sound turned low, and listened to my daily reading portion at the same time. I didn't focus real well, but there were other factors at work too. I can definitely work at doing both at the same time.
In any case...here I go. Up for a bit of a workout first thing tomorrow morning, and then the morning after that.
But now I'm realizing, I also need to put exercise into that time slot. This soul, this spirit, this person, is housed in a BODY that is all too often neglected. I get so busy, and working too many hours, and then lethargic. Exercise happens less and less, and with that--more lethargy, and even longer hours as it seems I don't have the mental energy to make the good decisions for the rest of the time.
I don't want the quiet time to be short-changed, but more exercise might help my mind to be alert at that time too. Two days ago I popped in my Walk At Home DVD with the sound turned low, and listened to my daily reading portion at the same time. I didn't focus real well, but there were other factors at work too. I can definitely work at doing both at the same time.
In any case...here I go. Up for a bit of a workout first thing tomorrow morning, and then the morning after that.
Learning from Me
It's kind of fun, and it's scary.
The fun part--I've noticed lately, the staff who work with me have started to pick up a love of reading, of learning and gaining from books! Here, the way they grew up...they didn't really have an opportunity to know how good books can be, to know the delight and inspiration and...so much more. No parents reading good night stories--their parents, or at least most of their moms, could barely read themselves. In elementary school, and even through junior high and high school, the only book exposure was school books, and other books bought to help improve school work.
Ah, but when you come to work with me...I'll be forever telling you about good books, ramming them down your throat! Some have been required reading for the staff. They read in the local language, I read English, and then we chat about the ideas therein. It took us a year to get through (read and do) Marcus Buckingham's Go Put Your Strengths to Work, but we gained from the process. In more than a year we only finished about half of Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, before moving on, with all of our students too, to the easier teen version by his son. For our upcoming staff retreat they're reading Eat That Frog and The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, and enjoying them. Outside of work reading, they are reading and learning--their lives are opening up and they are growing at their own initiative and by the things they are discovering.
But...they are also learning something else...working long hours, not knowing when to stop. This is not good. This is something I have not figured out, and now staff are following. Several times I have been close to burnout, and now I have to guard staff against it. Actually, I'm more scared of them going there. I have a network of people and friends, I'd be okay if I crashed (believe me, I really don't want to go there myself either!), but they don't have quite the same level of support. Besides, I want them to stay healthy and fresh so we can keep working together for a long time. So...sometimes I just make them drop stuff, and take time off.
And then they look at me. Aren't you supposed to be leading by example? Yeah, that's what I preach all the time. However in this one I haven't yet figure out how to do it.
Things have got to change. I have got to change. They will learn from me, and there are some things I don't want them to learn.
The fun part--I've noticed lately, the staff who work with me have started to pick up a love of reading, of learning and gaining from books! Here, the way they grew up...they didn't really have an opportunity to know how good books can be, to know the delight and inspiration and...so much more. No parents reading good night stories--their parents, or at least most of their moms, could barely read themselves. In elementary school, and even through junior high and high school, the only book exposure was school books, and other books bought to help improve school work.
Ah, but when you come to work with me...I'll be forever telling you about good books, ramming them down your throat! Some have been required reading for the staff. They read in the local language, I read English, and then we chat about the ideas therein. It took us a year to get through (read and do) Marcus Buckingham's Go Put Your Strengths to Work, but we gained from the process. In more than a year we only finished about half of Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, before moving on, with all of our students too, to the easier teen version by his son. For our upcoming staff retreat they're reading Eat That Frog and The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, and enjoying them. Outside of work reading, they are reading and learning--their lives are opening up and they are growing at their own initiative and by the things they are discovering.
But...they are also learning something else...working long hours, not knowing when to stop. This is not good. This is something I have not figured out, and now staff are following. Several times I have been close to burnout, and now I have to guard staff against it. Actually, I'm more scared of them going there. I have a network of people and friends, I'd be okay if I crashed (believe me, I really don't want to go there myself either!), but they don't have quite the same level of support. Besides, I want them to stay healthy and fresh so we can keep working together for a long time. So...sometimes I just make them drop stuff, and take time off.
And then they look at me. Aren't you supposed to be leading by example? Yeah, that's what I preach all the time. However in this one I haven't yet figure out how to do it.
Things have got to change. I have got to change. They will learn from me, and there are some things I don't want them to learn.
Aching... Yearning...
Don't know where it came from
But it is here tonight
This aching
This yearning
To know You
God
my... Creator, Redeemer
God who led Abraham
And called to Samuel
Jesus
You are distant
Yet promise to be close
Can I know You close?
But it is here tonight
This aching
This yearning
To know You
God
my... Creator, Redeemer
God who led Abraham
And called to Samuel
Jesus
You are distant
Yet promise to be close
Can I know You close?
For this day...
I have known it before in other areas, but now I am realizing it is includes everything. I have known that for each new day I need to come and pray, and receive strength and wisdom and insight from the LORD. I cannot rely on yesterday's insight, or past wisdom. Oh yes, the lessons from the past will be useful still, but they must come of a fresh, living, and daily renewed spring of life.
But only a couple of days ago did it sink in in relation to another lesson I am learning. I also need His love each day. Each day I must come to Him and ask and pray for the love He has for others to fill my heart anew, for I find, I cannot love on my own.
Actually, it is not about each day, it is needed each moment. Moving it to each day thinking and prayer, helps move me more to each moment abiding...
So, LORD, in this day, for this day--I ask You to lead and guide. May may heart, my spirit, be completely open to, filled with, and led by Yours! For those You have given me--thank You. Thank you for [each one named], bless them LORD. And ... love...may I see each one and love each one the way You do. I loved them last week...several times I saw my heart--hardness, criticism, memories of past faults--with the potential to not love, and brought it to You. Last week I loved. Last week I You poured out Your love in my heart by Your Spirit. Today, again, I ask for Your love to fill me. In Jesus' name I ask. Thank You. You hear, You will do what I have asked in Jesus' name.
But only a couple of days ago did it sink in in relation to another lesson I am learning. I also need His love each day. Each day I must come to Him and ask and pray for the love He has for others to fill my heart anew, for I find, I cannot love on my own.
Actually, it is not about each day, it is needed each moment. Moving it to each day thinking and prayer, helps move me more to each moment abiding...
So, LORD, in this day, for this day--I ask You to lead and guide. May may heart, my spirit, be completely open to, filled with, and led by Yours! For those You have given me--thank You. Thank you for [each one named], bless them LORD. And ... love...may I see each one and love each one the way You do. I loved them last week...several times I saw my heart--hardness, criticism, memories of past faults--with the potential to not love, and brought it to You. Last week I loved. Last week I You poured out Your love in my heart by Your Spirit. Today, again, I ask for Your love to fill me. In Jesus' name I ask. Thank You. You hear, You will do what I have asked in Jesus' name.
"An Examined Life of Thoughtfuless and Grace"
"An Examined Life of Thoughtfuless and Grace," that is the phrase behind the name, and the year of the birth and death of a man I had never heard about until today. I've never heard about him before today, but today he inspires me.
A article with comments about how to face death when you are terminally ill at Jesus Creed blog today introduced me to lots of interesting resources, and then information and a blog co-written by this man. William Stuntz (1958-2011): An Examined Life of Thoughtfulness and Grace, tells some of his story, and includes comments from those who know him--something inside me recognizes, now THAT is a life well lived.
I'm looking forward to learning more about this man, and especially digging into his own blog, and reflections on facing death and pain that seem to have touched and inspired many. Ah...I found them--the personal blogs are here.
What would it take, in this life, to have others say of me at the end, "She lived 'an examined life of thoughtfulness and grace'"?
Note: Here's a good post from Stuntz--"Living Weak"
Walking
Lord, may I walk with You
It's about all I can do
Just walk, just look to You
Hard to get my bearings these days
Hard to know what's going wrong
Or what's going right
All I can do is keep looking to You
And asking
And listening
I see so much
This bit in my heart that does NOT want to see others "vibrant"
Ooh. Where does that come from?
God help, change me
All I can do is ask
Potential problems
Not knowing how to face them
All I can do is, again, ask
Lord, lead me this day
Help me to love You
Help me to love them
And...
I also remember to be thankful
Thank you Lord,
For each one of these You have placed in my life
Frustrations
Okay, I'll take this on
I'll help them with the training they need
Hey, wait! This was someone else's responsibility
What happened? This isn't good
I don't even know how to say it
I talk with You, and then the someone else
All I can do is express the frustation
You said how you feel. This is how I feel.
I didn't know...
These conversations are often so misunderstood
But, funny, the end result in this one
is good
At the end of another week
I'm tired. There is rest ahead.
There have been struggles
But it's okay
I have been carried
There has been enough strength for each moment
So many times I wanted to react
Or quit
But another idea came
The presence to pray
Strength to pause
Or wait
Or an idea to pursue
I'm not quite sure what to do
Or how to live
In so many ways
I'm floundering
And struggling
But...
I look to You
I lean on You
Just walking
Everyday ... just live
And walk
And learn to walk
with You
It's about all I can do
Just walk, just look to You
Hard to get my bearings these days
Hard to know what's going wrong
Or what's going right
All I can do is keep looking to You
And asking
And listening
I see so much
This bit in my heart that does NOT want to see others "vibrant"
Ooh. Where does that come from?
God help, change me
All I can do is ask
Potential problems
Not knowing how to face them
All I can do is, again, ask
Lord, lead me this day
Help me to love You
Help me to love them
And...
I also remember to be thankful
Thank you Lord,
For each one of these You have placed in my life
Frustrations
Okay, I'll take this on
I'll help them with the training they need
Hey, wait! This was someone else's responsibility
What happened? This isn't good
I don't even know how to say it
I talk with You, and then the someone else
All I can do is express the frustation
You said how you feel. This is how I feel.
I didn't know...
These conversations are often so misunderstood
But, funny, the end result in this one
is good
At the end of another week
I'm tired. There is rest ahead.
There have been struggles
But it's okay
I have been carried
There has been enough strength for each moment
So many times I wanted to react
Or quit
But another idea came
The presence to pray
Strength to pause
Or wait
Or an idea to pursue
I'm not quite sure what to do
Or how to live
In so many ways
I'm floundering
And struggling
But...
I look to You
I lean on You
Just walking
Everyday ... just live
And walk
And learn to walk
with You
Rain
Rain falls
as an era comes to an end
fitting
heaven and earth in harmony
the end matching the beginning
or, actually, the beginning of the end
I remember, the day it all began
also raining
walking home
through the rain
through the tears
I could never have imagined
only pain
only tears
I thought things would get better
I thought there was hope and joy ahead
When did it turn downhill again
what on earth happened
how am I to understand
how am I to ever trust again
how am I to try again
to hope again
Oh God this hurts!
as an era comes to an end
fitting
heaven and earth in harmony
the end matching the beginning
or, actually, the beginning of the end
I remember, the day it all began
also raining
walking home
through the rain
through the tears
I could never have imagined
only pain
only tears
I thought things would get better
I thought there was hope and joy ahead
When did it turn downhill again
what on earth happened
how am I to understand
how am I to ever trust again
how am I to try again
to hope again
Oh God this hurts!
3 Hours of Joy
A week or so ago I, chagrined, realized that was about all I had in me in a day--just 3 hours of joy. I had started the day on a good note. Time with Father before His throne had me in the right perspective. I was joyful and thankful--about life and about and with those around me. But then something happened. I do not remember now what it was, but I reacted to something, or some event led to discouragement and ending the day on a low note.
It happened again yesterday. The first half of the day went very well, and most of the afternoon too, but there were a couple of interactions that did NOT go well. Twice I quickly became impatient with another person. Once I was impatient because they did not understand what I was trying to communicate. Another time because they did not seem to have the 'heart' for others that I thought they should have by now. I did not the heart, nor the expression of the heart into some ideas and actions that could help us in our work.
Is that it? Is that all I can manage in a day? Just 3 hours of joy?
It is not always that bad. Sometimes it is not even that good.
The upside of this process is that it is starting to really sink in for me--what is really needed, what is really most important is becoming very clear. Getting a lot done by the end of the day feels good. Planning and organizing, seeing some things accomplished, progress on projects, etc--all of this feels good, and is nice. However, if in there there is a conflict, an angry reaction, or just a premature reaction that left someone else crushed rather than built up...at the end of the day there will be regret, much sorrow, less energy. It is simply not worth it.
It is becoming more and more of a priority for me to change. I must grow in these areas. I must develop patience. I must live out grace and peace and love all day every day. These must be formed in me, and the best way I have found to date for these to start happening is so closely related to morning time spent with the LORD--there in the stillness, making my heart be still before Him, bringing before Him the possibilities of the day, listening as He reminds me of the dangers, asking for His guard, being deliberately aware.
And the morning time, is inextricably linked to the night before. Morning will not happen well, if the night before was way past midnight.
Slowly, I think I am learning. Slowly it is sinking in. Slowly change is happening. Lead me, Lord.
(Someday...I just may write a post entitled "Days of Joy" or "Weeks and Weeks of Joy". Yeah!!)
It happened again yesterday. The first half of the day went very well, and most of the afternoon too, but there were a couple of interactions that did NOT go well. Twice I quickly became impatient with another person. Once I was impatient because they did not understand what I was trying to communicate. Another time because they did not seem to have the 'heart' for others that I thought they should have by now. I did not the heart, nor the expression of the heart into some ideas and actions that could help us in our work.
Is that it? Is that all I can manage in a day? Just 3 hours of joy?
It is not always that bad. Sometimes it is not even that good.
The upside of this process is that it is starting to really sink in for me--what is really needed, what is really most important is becoming very clear. Getting a lot done by the end of the day feels good. Planning and organizing, seeing some things accomplished, progress on projects, etc--all of this feels good, and is nice. However, if in there there is a conflict, an angry reaction, or just a premature reaction that left someone else crushed rather than built up...at the end of the day there will be regret, much sorrow, less energy. It is simply not worth it.
It is becoming more and more of a priority for me to change. I must grow in these areas. I must develop patience. I must live out grace and peace and love all day every day. These must be formed in me, and the best way I have found to date for these to start happening is so closely related to morning time spent with the LORD--there in the stillness, making my heart be still before Him, bringing before Him the possibilities of the day, listening as He reminds me of the dangers, asking for His guard, being deliberately aware.
And the morning time, is inextricably linked to the night before. Morning will not happen well, if the night before was way past midnight.
Slowly, I think I am learning. Slowly it is sinking in. Slowly change is happening. Lead me, Lord.
(Someday...I just may write a post entitled "Days of Joy" or "Weeks and Weeks of Joy". Yeah!!)
So Hard to See them Cry...
I find it hard to see teenage guys cry...especially the way these two cried today.
Okay...actually, they didn't cry much, but I've been crying buckets ever since.
Two boys, different circumstances, at different times--within an hour of each other. Each one carries such pain. I see the pain engulfing them, and yet they are running. The pain is too scary, rather then reaching out to engage, they pull back. One loses himself in studies, doesn't even want to come for meals. When he is alone, when he is reading a book, he can be happy, but not with people. But the tears came when he said, "In my family, no one but my mom cares about me. My stepdad doesn't care for me at all." Ever since junior high, when he's needed school fees, dad (stepdad, his own dad died earlier) won't borrow money for him, tells his mom to go do it.
The other...I'm not even sure what is at the root of it, or, what exactly is the nature of the pain for him right now. It's got to be hard--when you go home, you have to take care of your parents--dad has mental problems, mom has hearing problems. Both seem a little crazy. I suspect his heart is just now waking up to the pain of the life he was born into, and the impact for the future. Sounds like uncle, who takes care of him, might be putting on a fair bit of pressure, and guilt too?
Oh God...have mercy. How do we love these guys? And how many others are hurting just as bad? The older brother of one of our students told us the younger brother wanted to commit suicide about a month and a half ago. So many...carry pain that is too painful to face. I want to help them face it, but...I am not strong enough to enable and strengthen...only You are. But you...they don't know You. How can they know You? How can they know? How can they gain the hope their heart needs?
God have mercy
Christ have mercy
Comfort them
Lead them
Strengthen us
Love through us
Okay...actually, they didn't cry much, but I've been crying buckets ever since.
Two boys, different circumstances, at different times--within an hour of each other. Each one carries such pain. I see the pain engulfing them, and yet they are running. The pain is too scary, rather then reaching out to engage, they pull back. One loses himself in studies, doesn't even want to come for meals. When he is alone, when he is reading a book, he can be happy, but not with people. But the tears came when he said, "In my family, no one but my mom cares about me. My stepdad doesn't care for me at all." Ever since junior high, when he's needed school fees, dad (stepdad, his own dad died earlier) won't borrow money for him, tells his mom to go do it.
The other...I'm not even sure what is at the root of it, or, what exactly is the nature of the pain for him right now. It's got to be hard--when you go home, you have to take care of your parents--dad has mental problems, mom has hearing problems. Both seem a little crazy. I suspect his heart is just now waking up to the pain of the life he was born into, and the impact for the future. Sounds like uncle, who takes care of him, might be putting on a fair bit of pressure, and guilt too?
Oh God...have mercy. How do we love these guys? And how many others are hurting just as bad? The older brother of one of our students told us the younger brother wanted to commit suicide about a month and a half ago. So many...carry pain that is too painful to face. I want to help them face it, but...I am not strong enough to enable and strengthen...only You are. But you...they don't know You. How can they know You? How can they know? How can they gain the hope their heart needs?
God have mercy
Christ have mercy
Comfort them
Lead them
Strengthen us
Love through us
How You Redeem...
Lord, please show me, teach me, how you truly redeem, how you truly forgive, how our sin truly gets wiped away.
I know it. I know the facts. I've known them all my life. But I need to somehow know more deeply, if I'm going to be able to athentiically live it out with others.
I know it. I know the facts. I've known them all my life. But I need to somehow know more deeply, if I'm going to be able to athentiically live it out with others.
This kind of rest
This kind of rest, after this kind of week, is not really rest, it's really just a crash. Oh it is definitely needed, and I will certainly feel better and be better able to face the next week, but this is not the best way to live my life.
I'm learning, in stages, what is needed for living a good life--a life that lives out the best version of me. I have learned that I need to set aside days of rest, of sabbath, days of absolutely no work. But I have also been learning that is not enough. I also need to control the work on the days before. When I get to the rest day, and all I can do is crash--where there is not much energy for reading my Bible, or other things that inspire, or to journal or think--I do not gain the soul rest that is most needed. On this kind of weekend, the first day is just...veg, sleep, read only the lightest material. By the end of the day, I almost start to feel alive again. Then, if there is ANOTHER day off, maybe on that day I can really enter in to an even deeper and soul refreshing rest, where I feel like I can and am actually hearing from God.
So today I crash. No guilt in that, I'm thankful for the chance to catch up on sleep. But I also look towards next week, and the following weeks. How can I better prioritize? What do I need to say no to? How can I keep the work hours to just 40-50? Then the rest and the personal time, will be more deeply refreshing, and...not even mentioned yet, will give time for some of the housework and baking that also refreshes in its own unique way.
I'm learning, in stages, what is needed for living a good life--a life that lives out the best version of me. I have learned that I need to set aside days of rest, of sabbath, days of absolutely no work. But I have also been learning that is not enough. I also need to control the work on the days before. When I get to the rest day, and all I can do is crash--where there is not much energy for reading my Bible, or other things that inspire, or to journal or think--I do not gain the soul rest that is most needed. On this kind of weekend, the first day is just...veg, sleep, read only the lightest material. By the end of the day, I almost start to feel alive again. Then, if there is ANOTHER day off, maybe on that day I can really enter in to an even deeper and soul refreshing rest, where I feel like I can and am actually hearing from God.
So today I crash. No guilt in that, I'm thankful for the chance to catch up on sleep. But I also look towards next week, and the following weeks. How can I better prioritize? What do I need to say no to? How can I keep the work hours to just 40-50? Then the rest and the personal time, will be more deeply refreshing, and...not even mentioned yet, will give time for some of the housework and baking that also refreshes in its own unique way.
More Like This One
Today, was a good day at work.
I want more days like this one.
I want every day to be like this one.
It was long...very long. Yesterday was long too, and tomorrow will be. But it was good. There was good cooperation. One of the projects we've been working on, that has been so hard, today went well. We've been trying to find elusive solutions and creating processes that will simplify, but the path is not clear, and the final solution isn't even that straight forward. It can be so frustrating. I feel I've tried to communicate clearly, but somehow we have not been on the same page. And then frustrating for a staff member--work their butt of to produce what they think is needed, only to hear, "okay, now can you take it and do..."
But today was good. There was an awareness of potential pitfalls, and working together through them. There were gentle reminders. "It's lunch time, yeah, take a break. We've still got a long day ahead, with lots of complicated parts that are going to need us to be really alert, and rise above emotional reactions." "Okay, this part--it is going to be complicated. There will be errors, and we don't quite know the best way to work it, but that's part of it."
And today--things that could have been frustrations, and irritations with each other, were light, and amusing instead. It started with my a.m. text message--"I'll be at the office at 9:40-45. I want to have a quick meeting then and plan the day." Just 2 minutes before leaving the house I thought it was strange that a staff member texted back--"so, what about that other meeting?" What? I thought. Just wait a few minutes...I'll be right there and we'll talk about it. At 8:45 I was there, just as I had said..."Come on guys...our meeting." The first person came in, "Your text said 9..." Yeah...I had meant to say 8:40-45...but it was all flex today. We were able to enjoy each other and laugh about our mistakes, and easily point out and laugh (in the best way possible) about those of others too.
I want every day at work to be like this one. I'm going to need to work hard to make it happen. Mostly, I'm going to need to keep coming before my Father each day--submitting all my worries and stresses, asking for grace, being so aware of the pressure I can give to others.
Thank You, Lord. I think I am learning. Most of all I am learning of my incredible need for You, and I am willing that when I pray and ask, You do lead and answer. I prayed yesterday knowing...I'm feeling the time crunch, and frustration at not knowing how things will get done. It will be easy for me to speak out of that, and for others then to think I'm mad at them. Lord, help me be aware, and not do that...
Today, was a good day at work.
I want more days like this one.
I want every day to be like this one.
I want more days like this one.
I want every day to be like this one.
It was long...very long. Yesterday was long too, and tomorrow will be. But it was good. There was good cooperation. One of the projects we've been working on, that has been so hard, today went well. We've been trying to find elusive solutions and creating processes that will simplify, but the path is not clear, and the final solution isn't even that straight forward. It can be so frustrating. I feel I've tried to communicate clearly, but somehow we have not been on the same page. And then frustrating for a staff member--work their butt of to produce what they think is needed, only to hear, "okay, now can you take it and do..."
But today was good. There was an awareness of potential pitfalls, and working together through them. There were gentle reminders. "It's lunch time, yeah, take a break. We've still got a long day ahead, with lots of complicated parts that are going to need us to be really alert, and rise above emotional reactions." "Okay, this part--it is going to be complicated. There will be errors, and we don't quite know the best way to work it, but that's part of it."
And today--things that could have been frustrations, and irritations with each other, were light, and amusing instead. It started with my a.m. text message--"I'll be at the office at 9:40-45. I want to have a quick meeting then and plan the day." Just 2 minutes before leaving the house I thought it was strange that a staff member texted back--"so, what about that other meeting?" What? I thought. Just wait a few minutes...I'll be right there and we'll talk about it. At 8:45 I was there, just as I had said..."Come on guys...our meeting." The first person came in, "Your text said 9..." Yeah...I had meant to say 8:40-45...but it was all flex today. We were able to enjoy each other and laugh about our mistakes, and easily point out and laugh (in the best way possible) about those of others too.
I want every day at work to be like this one. I'm going to need to work hard to make it happen. Mostly, I'm going to need to keep coming before my Father each day--submitting all my worries and stresses, asking for grace, being so aware of the pressure I can give to others.
Thank You, Lord. I think I am learning. Most of all I am learning of my incredible need for You, and I am willing that when I pray and ask, You do lead and answer. I prayed yesterday knowing...I'm feeling the time crunch, and frustration at not knowing how things will get done. It will be easy for me to speak out of that, and for others then to think I'm mad at them. Lord, help me be aware, and not do that...
Today, was a good day at work.
I want more days like this one.
I want every day to be like this one.
What does faith look like?
I've been listening to a great series, his current series, on Faith & Doubt by Greg Boyd. Today I listened to one called Imagine. This message is about how to have faith in the midst of really hard things. He shared about their 25 year-old son, and his struggles, and their pain due to his autism. I, too, have wrestled with hard things, and wondered how to live in faith and joy in the face of them.
We can't fix the world, but we're not allowed to do hopeless.
So what DO we do? I've come to realize...I spend a lot of time trying to "fix" things. My goodness, my whole life is about trying to improve thigns in one way or another. However, I'm realizing...it can go too far. And some things don't seem to change.
So what does faith look like in the middle of an unfixable situation?
He mentioned the people that used to be idealistic. They are the ones that can get really bitter and cynical in the end. Or, perhaps now they are still really angry about the wrong in the world, the injustices--they are the ones who still think they can do something to fix it.
We can't fix it. We're not supposed to be the ones to fix it. WAIT!! Everything in me ragese against that thought. What, are we supposed to give in to despair? Are we supposed to give up and walk away?
And yet I have struggled, and asked many times in the past year, "Lord, what am I supposed to do with this pain?" There are things that I cannot change, although I wish I could and at times I have tried.
In the message he takes us to another perspective...to remembering, and looking forward to the day when Christ will reign as victor over all these things, when there will be no more pain and tears. (Did I say I recommend this series? Serious, take a listen!)
And in the meantime we live in faith. We still do what we can, but we're somehow released from having to "fix" things. And it still hurts.
God, ...help us to have the faith to go on,
keep making whatever difference we can make,
knowing we can't fix it.
keep making whatever difference we can make,
knowing we can't fix it.
Why so angry?
I was so upset last night, and then again today. I could go there again now.
Scary.
I need to process. I need to get to the root of this, and figure out: Why I am so angry? And after I figure that out, I need to know what to do next.
A few weeks ago there was a free resource I downloaded from Christianity Today--on Word doc called Managing Conflict. I opened it up and started reading more of it last night, and then more just now. One article by Bill Hybels is particularly helpful and insightful. I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground.
Yes, this anger has to do with something between me and another person. So many streams of events, so much that has impacted where things are now. And I'm surprised at the intensity of emotion inside of me.
As Hybels talks about being emotionally healthy, I can't help but ask myself, "Am I ... emotionally healthy?" Scary to ask. Scary to consider a negative answer--especially as I spend my whole life supposedly helping others walk towards being 'healthy'.
Yet, I am finding, there is always room to go deeper. And, I have been suprised in recent years to see that in certain parts of my life, I am pretty messed up. In this situation, there are some emotions inside, and some thoughts--when I stand apart and look, I have to say, "Wow, that's a pretty immature response." And I see other things too--like pride and arrogance. I recognize that sometimes I would rather hide, or defend and accuse, than humble myself. And sometimes I just want to walk away.
I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground. It's hopeful, motivating. There is a type of person I want to be, want to become, but sometimes I face the true cost and am tempted to back away.
So...here, I have started to process. Much more is needed.
Lord, please lead me, and grow me--I need to be an emotionally healthy person. What do I need to face? What do I need to work through? What is my baggage--especially the stuff not yet discovered? And in this situation, please lead--may I be a person who works hard for community, and reconciliation. May my heart be filled with your love. May I learn and practise the skills to work well with others.
Scary.
I need to process. I need to get to the root of this, and figure out: Why I am so angry? And after I figure that out, I need to know what to do next.
A few weeks ago there was a free resource I downloaded from Christianity Today--on Word doc called Managing Conflict. I opened it up and started reading more of it last night, and then more just now. One article by Bill Hybels is particularly helpful and insightful. I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground.
Yes, this anger has to do with something between me and another person. So many streams of events, so much that has impacted where things are now. And I'm surprised at the intensity of emotion inside of me.
As Hybels talks about being emotionally healthy, I can't help but ask myself, "Am I ... emotionally healthy?" Scary to ask. Scary to consider a negative answer--especially as I spend my whole life supposedly helping others walk towards being 'healthy'.
Yet, I am finding, there is always room to go deeper. And, I have been suprised in recent years to see that in certain parts of my life, I am pretty messed up. In this situation, there are some emotions inside, and some thoughts--when I stand apart and look, I have to say, "Wow, that's a pretty immature response." And I see other things too--like pride and arrogance. I recognize that sometimes I would rather hide, or defend and accuse, than humble myself. And sometimes I just want to walk away.
I do love the numerous examples he gives--of different types of conflict, different ways of resolving, the heart searching that is needed, ways of keeping conflict above ground. It's hopeful, motivating. There is a type of person I want to be, want to become, but sometimes I face the true cost and am tempted to back away.
So...here, I have started to process. Much more is needed.
Lord, please lead me, and grow me--I need to be an emotionally healthy person. What do I need to face? What do I need to work through? What is my baggage--especially the stuff not yet discovered? And in this situation, please lead--may I be a person who works hard for community, and reconciliation. May my heart be filled with your love. May I learn and practise the skills to work well with others.
Fight to joy
If there is going to be joy today, I am going to have to fight for it.
"Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O LORD, I lift up my soul."
--Ps. 86:4
This verse was in the prayer book this morning. "Give me joy, Lord,"--that's what I hear David saying.
And that's what I'm saying.
The burdens--what are they even? Weariness--physical and emotional exhuastion. Relationship issues--not real 'conflict' or anything that tangible and specific that can be 'resolved', but just feeling the hurt of where things are not. Then there are the feelings of frustration--that I haven't got it together yet, and don't know how to. I am behind in so many things. The piles are seriously growing to almost out of control. Is the path we are currently planning for this term one that will help reduce the piles in the future, or is it just more craziness and frustration ahead? Should I put the brakes on some of the plans--now, quick, before it is too late? But would that be just a reaction? And, then...what would we actually DO?
And so...because of the way I feel...I don't feel joy.
But somehow I believe I should be able to find and live in joy. In spite of all this, there is a God who has not changed. His love and care for me is as real as ever. His promise to direct my paths and care for all that concerns me has not changed. His work in transforming me is still happening--there is hope all around.
There can be joy, but I am going to have to fight for it. I am going to have to choose it.
I choose, today, with whatever is left of it... to live in joy.
I have known God
I have known God
to really be the refuge He says He is
I know
I do not have to wait until I'm 'all together'
to find a welcome in His presence
In His presence
there is a true embrace
rest for the weary
I really can pour out my heart there
No matter what state it is in
I know God
to really be the refuge He says He is
So today...
At the end of a week
where the burdens have been so very heavy
I come
And as I come
music helping me remember
who He is
The tears must flow
It is safe here
I can be weak here
And I know
Here I will find hope
and strength
and love
to continue to carry or face
whatever may come
to really be the refuge He says He is
I know
I do not have to wait until I'm 'all together'
to find a welcome in His presence
In His presence
there is a true embrace
rest for the weary
I really can pour out my heart there
No matter what state it is in
I know God
to really be the refuge He says He is
So today...
At the end of a week
where the burdens have been so very heavy
I come
And as I come
music helping me remember
who He is
The tears must flow
It is safe here
I can be weak here
And I know
Here I will find hope
and strength
and love
to continue to carry or face
whatever may come
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to Him,
for God is our refuge.
--Ps. 62:8
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