Unsettled

Unsettled

That has been the reoccurring feeling

Lessening now

But frequent upon landing

On this side of the world

The side that I'm supposed to call "home"

(There really is no "home" now,

that I know, or feel,

only one I hope for,

but that is another topic.)

I don't like the feeling

But it is good to recognize it

And maybe it is good that it exists

And comes to the forefront, 

Due to this shifting between locations.

I stop, often, and ponder the 'why' of the feeling

Where it comes from

Why it is there

And what might bring "settling"

The "why"
Actually probably "why's"
As there are probably several
Part of it is just a natural thing I think
Of not being used to this environment
These social settings
Not knowing how to behave
Or what are the correct or expected behaviours
And there is, behind that then,
The wanting to fit in, to "get it right"
Sometimes it has been a concern about how others see me,
Whether I am properly fitting in with their expectations
There may be other reasons and aspects

And there has been an awareness
That what will bring settling
Is knowing I am okay
Knowing Your love
Knowing You hold all things
I've thought of many words of Dallas Willard
About being free from all these worries
Being at peace--a pervasive sense of well-being
Knowing all is okay
Not needing to push for something with other people
Not wanting or needing them to see me in any particular way

So I'm thankful for the feelings
And the awareness that has been there
All along
And the moments of pause
To look to You
To ask for help
To grow
To learn
To change

I am held by You
I am loved by You
And the more I know it
The more I am settled