The Wrestle--Calling and Identity

So...what happened?

These days...I have been tested to the depths
of calling
and identity
...the things that matter most

When these are clear and firm
There is confidence
Hope
Joy
Motivation

When these are shaky
Questioned
There is darkness
Discouragement
No motivation

I have asked
Why did You make me like this?

I have needed to hear
Again
That it is good
That You made me good
It was a job well done
Not reluctantly good, or okay
But really good
The best possible
Well...I haven't heard to the level of "best possible" yet
But definitely more than "reluctantly okay"

I have remembered
The things You said to me
Through the years
Especially
Related to
...Lily 野百合

And then You reminded me
It came through me
That good thing
That 'break-through' event
That...
The vision came through me
Yes, me. Me.
I don't know why
But it came
And I said, "yes"
And I followed
And it happened
Better than I would have imagined

You want me to keep doing this, don't You?
You want me to keep going
To keep stepping out
Sometimes "knowing"
Sometimes only barely suspecting
And You plan to use me
You want to use this...
(I want to say "obnoxious," "pushing," "annoying"
But...You probably see it better than that)

This...
Tenacious
Determined
Persistent
Always looking for a way
Always looking for a better way
Never giving up
...little me

And then you say
I love you just the way you are
You're beautiful to me

(still coming...some past posts wrestling with the "Who am I?" ...)