How does hope come?

I don't know
I wish I did
I know that on that darkest day a week and a half ago
I cried out, "Don't let Satan win"
And I made it through

I know that I have cried out for help
As I knew I was heading back for more challenge
With no answers evident
And I've cried out again and again
As I see time for decisions looming
Tears finally breaking
The late-night tension

Sometimes I feel
A certain buoyancy has come
Is it because I'm not in it right now?
No urgent deadlines
No one to give answers to
...yet

I wish I knew how hope comes
I wish I knew how to bolster it
Higher and higher so that all is joy
And there is no fear or anxiety

Maybe hope is a little like strength
You give enough
And sometimes it doesn't feel like enough
But I make it
So it was

I wonder what a journey is
I wonder what it all looks like from Your end
Me, here...
Trying to figure out how to live

On one hand I sense an invitation to more boldly live
The me that I am
    Make the decisions
    Point out the problems
    Call the situation
    Suggest a path
Because You've asked me to do this
And maybe there's a reason
You asked me and not somebody else

And yet this me
    Stumbles
    Hurts others
    Finds my best intentions misunderstood
I'm at a loss in how to live
I want to
    Run
    Back away
    Withdraw
    Hide
My engaging as me
Only brings pain
 
With all these problems
Comes another invitation
To humble myself
Learn
Grow

I don't know how to live
Hope comes and goes
I pray that there will
always
    be
       enough

For now, it seems to be growing
For that, I am thankful

I trust there will be enough
And maybe that is the key
My hope is in You
Not in a feeling of hope

Alone

Alone

You are here
You are always here
But I walk alone

And I feel the alone
Deeper than I feel the with You

Drawn

What is this You have done to me?
Done in me?
Tied me in
Roped
Drawn
While I wonder how I can go on
While I feel the pain of the journey
The aloneness
The struggle of not knowing
The pain
And yet
When you ask again,
"Whom shall I send?"
"Who will go for us?"
I find myself weeping again.
And willingly saying,
"Here am I. Send me"
And there is no resisting these ropes
The "chains" are not what holds me

Jan. 26, 2015

Cross or easy yoke? (part 1)

Which is it?
I know it's both
But how can that be?
They are so opposed
How can you, at the same time, require both?
How can, how does... a cross become an easy yoke?

(From reflections on my readings...one day I read a portion of Matt. 10, and there was the call to "take up your cross," and to die daily. The next day I read the end of Matt. 11, where Jesus says to come to Him for rest, and that His yoke is easy.)

Yearning

Today I wake
I start this day
With a yearning
And a grief-like ache

A yearning to do well
A yearning to work hard
To return to You this day
A job well done
Time well spent

I've thought several times
My "conscience" about this "is broken"
It's been over-stretched
Like a spring, pulled beyond its limits
And unable to bounce back
I have become
Unable to judge
Unable to sense
Unable to care


But today
I seem to care again
There's a soberness about it
A motivation
But not that high-strung 'rah-rah let's go' kind
It's mellow
And sober
And...a little afraid

To please You...

So, what would please You?
What would be a fair return
On this day You have given?
This day
Or any day

Not long ago I was thinking
I want another parable
That one didn't work for me
You know the one
Five or two or one talent
Five and two were invested
And got a 100% return
One was buried, and returned zero
All or nothing?
Those the only options?

Was there ever anyone
Who received five
But only invested two or three?
What do You say to that?

I wondered
What if they received five
And didn't really know what to do with it
In the end, some turned out to be poor investments
You say
You gave as they were able
So...they would know?

It often feels like
You gave way more than I can handle
And I don't know where to turn
So I bury
Well...
Don't completely bury
Some is good

Yesterday that question
Do you believe that God is pleased with you?
That He delights in you?
And if He is, how does that change what I think are my responsibilities? 

Are You pleased?
With what?
Anytime?
All day, every day?
No matter what I do?
I doubt it
So...
What does please You?
What would please You?
I think I have some answers
Is it okay to ask for...
More specific?

Bound

Wrestling
Balking
Fighting
At this weight
These chains
These ropes
Wrapped
Twisted
Binding
Uselessness

How am I supposed to do this task
With this ropes so wrapped
Can You not first free
Before requiring action

You asked me to do this thing
Why does it feel like, look like
All my efforts are useless

Will I forever feel
So inadequate
So ill-prepared
So ill-fit
For all that I am to do

Echoing in my head
Song lyrics:
   Have you cursed at the wind
   Have you cried to the heavens
   Have you fought with this mercy you don't understand
I don't know if it's "mercy" I don't understand
But I don't understand
And, yes, I'm crying to the heavens
...and fighting
Struggling...

Perhaps the bonds are of my own making
Perhaps they are chains of my own thinking
Perhaps there is something integral
Related to ME
That has to be cut away
Discarded
Before I can be free
(Like Eustace, stuck in the dragon body...)
I await
Your ripping
Tearing
Cutting
Bringing freedom

Mercy's Rain

Where am I, Lord?
Only You know

I believe, I trust
You are here
Thought it feels like darkness closing in

I resonate with most of this:

   Lord, I know not what I ought to ask of thee; 
   Thou only knowest what I need...
   I simply present myself before thee,
   I open my heart to thee. 
   Behold my needs which I know not myself.
   Smite, or heal;
   Depress me, or raise me up;
   I adore all thy purposes without knowing them;
   I am silent; 
   I offer myself in sacrifice;
   I yield myself to thee;
   I would have no other desire than to accomplish thy Will.
   Teach me to pray. Pray thyself in me. Amen
   --Francois Fenelon

The high demands of following Jesus
Being like Him--in sacrifice, generosity, discipline, etc
(another reading today)
Do not inspire today
Only seem... far beyond my reach

Today I fall on Your mercy
Your grace
Knowing You still receive
Even if all I can do is crawl
Or lay flat on my face

Here
Flat on my face
Rain comes
Your touch soothes

You know where I am
And that is enough

This Life

This life
These years
Forty-five now
Little sis posted, and reminded me
I wasn't supposed to live
Or, there were supposed to be "severe delays" if I made it
I've always joked about those "delays"
The reason I'm not "normal'

But this is part of my story
You let me live
And I was almost hit by a car at four
But I wasn't, I lived

There maybe be more times
Many more times
You let me live
You arranged for me to live

Let me live
Let me live for Your glory
Accomplish through me things that wouldn't have happened otherwise
Let there be things that happen on this planet, in lives
That would not otherwise have happened
But did
Because You gave me life
And because You lived in me
And because You led, and You guided and You empowered
And You accomplished
Many of the good things You wanted to do
Through my willing hands and surrendered heart

Let this be the story that is told
Let this be the truth that is lived
Oh, it's not fully now
And it's not fully yet
But it is still possible
Because You are
  Redeemer
  Strength
  The One who shines through broken jars

Take this life of mine
Past
Present
Future
What was
What is
All that will be
Take it
Form it
Do something amazing

Empower
Strengthen
Emblazen
Let Your mark be on this life
Let Your light be what shines
Let Your breath
Breathe hope and life into these wasted bones and sinews
And then through me to them
To and for this broken world
These precious lives

May this life
Be all You intended it to be!

Maybe

Maybe there's a strong that feels...weak
Maybe there's a victorious that doesn't feel at all triumphant
Maybe there's a successful that feels...lost, wandering, all over the place

Maybe things are not at all what they seem

(Dec. 16, 2014)

The invitation

written Dec. 1, 2014

Pulling
Drawing
What are you pulling me
into
towards

A new level of abandon
commitment
surrender

How
Why
I don't understand it
It just seems that all that has happened
Is working together towards something...

Satan won...

Satan won
this time
for now
over this life

He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed

What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through

He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside

Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her

What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won

What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...

But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering

Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy

Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times

Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time

But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains

Grief coming on...

A grief coming on
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to

My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all

It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in

I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.

God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading

Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us

And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness

The song that makes me weep...

What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.

Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.

But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following

Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.

Here I am, Lord,
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)

I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?

Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.


John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?

John Michael Talbot's version:

The pull, the choice...

Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?

This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
  where You have led me
  where I have lived most of my adult years
  where it's become so old and hard
  often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
   attractions
   ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention

So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim

Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again

Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle

But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)

Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE

Strength Comes

Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again

Keep reaching up (Talking to Trees)

How do you do it?
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up

If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward

We need to talk... I need to hear

We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening

But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
   newer way
   or deeper level
   of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change

Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
   and hope
   for this next season
   for today

We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever

Seek the Lord and his strength;
    seek his presence continually!

I. Chr. 16:11, ESV

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, 

for I have put my trust in you. 

Show me the way I should go, 

for to you I entrust my life.

Ps. 143:8, NIV 

Come to me...(again)

"Come to me," You said...again, still.

You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)

And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been

How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?

God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead

This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come


It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--

"Lo, I am with you," 
    to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
    grieved. 
"Lo, I am with you," 
    to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you. 

While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)

Something's wrong

Something is wrong
But I don't know what
Something is
   unsettled
   not at peace
   not at home
   wandering
   searching
   seeking
   yearning
   not satisfied
   lacking joy
   lacking enthusiasm

Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
   things unresolved
   questions unanswered
   wonderings
   discomfort at my many failings

Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know