Thank You!

Thank You God
Father, Son, Holy Spirit
For looking down on us
Looking on
   our wandering
   our brokenness
   our hopelessness
With compassion
   and love
For staying so committed to us
That though we didn't really want You
Though we rejected again and again
You decided to come
For those who might receive
   and believe
   and find life

Thank Jesus
For being willing to come
Come as a baby
Be so completely curtailed
Did you know, all along
That the cross was coming
Or did that hang over You all Your life
Even if You didn't know
Living sinless
In the midst of our
   hate
   selfishness
   jealousy
   petty rage
   foolishness

Thank You
For always looking with compassion
And love
On our miserable state
On me
   wherever I am
   no matter how foolish
   no matter how I should know by now
Thank You
For always
   reaching
   seeking
   loving
   knowing
   receiving

And You didn't balk
   when it got hard
You didn't give up
You didn't walk away
You stayed
You followed through
You let Yourself go through
All of the same things
   I face
   And so much more

Jesus, Son of God
Then and now
Thank You for Your constant
Presence
In my life
In the past
Now
And into my future
Your love will never change
Your constant reaching
You as a constant refuge
And shelter
And rock
And strength
Your love as my source of life
Your love and life flowing into me
Transforming me
Living out through me

Thank You

A Sabbath Heart

Thoughts from Mark Buchanan's Spiritual Renewal workshop at Break Forth 2013.

The fundamental thing...if you don't have a sabbath heart, you will never have a sabbath day.

"The problem with the culture we're living in is we're trying to solve the dilemma of our extreme busyness and stressfulness and all of that, by simply creating more leisure, and leisure isn't the cure for what ails us, sabbath is."

How do we gain this ability to enter the rest of God...to get to the place where we can really recline with Jesus, without constant agitation, checking email or the iPhone, etc. to just enjoy Jesus, know He likes you and you like Him?

It takes a Sabbath heart, and a Sabbath heart is rooted in one thing in particular: a deep and deepening conviction of the sovereign goodness of God.

If I don't cultivate this sense of God's sovereign overruling transcendent imminent goodness and presence and ability to deal with life in all of it's tumultuousness and make it all work together for good, then I can't rest.

All I've ever been

I've wondered
Should we take them on again
The same as we've been doing for the past 6-7 years...
Get recommendations for 20-30 new students
And help them through high school

Are we too tired
Will we burn out
Can we do it when we are so short-staffed

When I think of just saying "no" this year
I suddenly think
They would be out there still
Students...
Who have lost mom's and dad's
Who are hurting, needing comfort
May go off to work at 15 or 16 without high school
How can I hold back
In the face of this need
When we could help

Then I think
But what's the point of "helping"
When the helping is so limited
If all we can do is give some money and a meal a week
And send them off to school
Who am I kidding
There is so much they need that we don't give
Don't even come close to supplying

And I remember You
Sometimes in the face of great need
You simply turned and walked away
Need, apparently, wasn't Your highest call

And what I have to offer
I know it's never been enough
It's always been ludicrous
I've always been
Just a kid
With a few loaves and fish
Offering what I have
And in Your hands
It can become plenty
More than enough

And so here I am
Offering again
It's all I can do
Woe to me if I do not offer
All I have

How to offer
What it means
I'm still listening

How? Through circumcision?

How is it going to happen Lord? You spoke to me so powerfully through Isa. 58. And I know it's for more than just this past month or two, but something I need to keep listening for. A friend this week ended her email with:  "May your light truly break forth like the dawn. May your bones be strong and you be well, well-watered. And may you know the glory of the Lord as your guard and defender." Yes, from this same chapter.

And I find myself wondering, how are you going to strengthen my bones? I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. The plans, the methods that seem good for going forward...are just lacking about 5-10 more people helping put them into practise at this point. Okay, well 3 or 4 would even be good.

Yesterday morning I listened to Mark Buchanan's all day workshop on "Spiritual Renewal" from Breakforth 2013. He talked about Joshua and the army heading to Jericho, they have just crossed the Jordan River, and the angel of the LORD comes... And the strategy is not rally the troops and charge. First, it is circumcision. Why then? Why not weeks or months earlier on the other side of the Jordan? They are effectively incapacitated, and vulnerable for weeks. If word of this leaks out to the enemy, they could be slaughtered so easily (remember Dinah, Shechem...Dinah's brothers). Then Buchanan asks: What is your Jericho? What is before you that needs a strategy from God?

Buchanan talked more about the 'incapacitated' part of circumcision, and I wondered if we are in that place now--our forces have certainly been weakened.So I have been wondering and asking You what this is supposed to mean for us. I have sensed these two months need to be a time of rest and recovery, but...I don't know that we are getting there. At least I'm not. Should we just lay down and recover?  What would that mean?

But if I think back on that passage, I think there was  purify yourselves, consecrate yourselves part to it. That is more the point of circumcision--being God's holy people, set apart. Maybe it was a time to check their hearts and their commitment. And...being weakened, also put them in a place of having to trust in God.

Today I purpose, at least for these two days before getting into the next work of planning, to rest, and to wait.

You are here

Jesus,  I've run hard
and now I'm tired
and alone
and don't quite know where I am

But You are here
You are always here
with me
wherever I am
so I stop
and cry
here before You
with You

I've looked to You
entrusted all
looked with hope
but disappointments
still hurt

You Sovereign One
Son of God
hold me
here with me
I'm Yours

This chair

today
once again
I'm asked to sit

this chair
this uncomfortable place
not knowing
uncertain
wondering
wishing I could know
how it will end
what will happen

I squirm
wiggle
jump off
lurch
left
right


stop!
grab on
both hands
rigid sit
deep breath
relax

Father
I'm still learning to trust
still learning to sit
calm
in this place
of unknowing
I choose
once again
to trust
Your promises
Your presence


Perhaps someday
this hard chair
this uncomfortable place
will be
the place of
   peace
   joy
   freedom
   like I've never known

The LORD says, 

"I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.

I will advise you and watch over you."

Ps. 32:8 NLT

Simple 'chair' picture, from December 2012, depicting...the place I need to stay--an end to the running, the place of trust, eventual peace.

Binding me

You are
Slowly
Binding my heart
to You

It's what I want
I'm tired
of the wandering
of this bent to wander

You are
Revealing
the ways
the reasons
I leave
I bend away
and the foolishness
of it all

"Binding"
And yet it is free
I am free
free to choose
You are
changing the bent
of my choosing
the lean
is more toward You

Thank You
I'm no longer running

Alive!

Hallelujah, Risen Lord, The only One I fall before... 

Thomas

It's amazing what hits
Each time it's different
So unexpected

I wanted to see something new
Something fresh
I wanted to be amazed at You
once again
Jesus

I have been amazed
Every day
Every morning
(well almost)
You have been speaking
And close
In the most amazing ways
But I wanted to be hit again
By Easter
The passion
The resurrection

Good Friday
I was watching The Gospel of John
With a friend
More concerned about helping her understand
Than able to hear for me
But it was good
I've sensed her yearning
And wanted to spend such time with her
For a long time

Today, Easter Sunday
With the young ones
Each shared
Both the blessing
And the struggle
In the journey
Of knowing You

It's the struggle part for which I yearn
Those who don't know if they believe or not
Can't feel You near
Wonder why You would abandon
I so long for them to seek further
In the doubt
Bring the questions boldly

Like Thomas
"Unless...
I will not believe"

I love that You came to him
I love how You came to him
I'd never seen this movie portrayal before
And I wept

Thank You Jesus
How You come to us
In our doubt
In our confusion
In the midst of all our struggles
Hardly daring to trust
You're not offended or put off
Or above stooping down
To our doubt and ignorance
And reveal
Once again
You know
You care
You love

The next phase of the Journey

I have just finished Ingatius's "Week 1" in The Journey with Jesus. The five weeks there have been good, deepening. Now I head into "Week 2" and 15 weeks entering the life of Jesus up to the cross, coming closer, understanding more, hearing once again, and more deeply and fully, His invitation to follow.

In this transition, suddenly comes an awe, a holy fear.  It started yesterday, with Preston's blog post (Thank you, Preston!); it was this line that did it: "but King Jesus has a sword coming out of his mouth".  This Journey had me read that passage in Revelation back in November. I called it the "freaky Jesus"--the picture that came to mind then--not the soft gentle appealing and kind Jesus that I often think of, but this Jesus too, is true.

I've struggled with distraction. About the Sabbath, Isaiah 58:13 says to honour it, "by not going your own way and not doing as you please..."  Yesterday was my "Sabbath", but I did a lot of "what I please".  Today, before the time of prayer, I suddenly thought: What would Jesus say to all my excuses?  What would happen if He showed up before me here and now? Would the excuses fly, convince Him, impress Him? I doubt it.

Today's prep for the next section had me read Mark 1-10 in one sitting. Later I wrote:

You are completely "other"
    Teaching, healing
    No one could predict You
        or demand You do it their way
    But You are full of compassion and patience

I find myself among the disciples
    Like them I am eager to follow
    Like them I also get off track
    Find other priorities compete, or
        do not fully understand Yours
    Like them, I need You to teach me
    Teach me, Lord,
        as I come to the next phase of the journey

And at the end
    May I not be like those
    Who found the cost too great
        and turned away
    May I be counted among those
        still following
    You ahead
        Me behind
    Amazed and maybe afraid
    But following.

And then, this afternoon I discovered this song. (Thanks Wendy--for having it on your player)

I listen...and something like a holy fear descends...if I can even pretend to know what that means. (listen...lyrics below)

What do I Know of Holy

          I made You promises a thousand times
          I tried to hear from Heaven
          But I talked the whole time
          I think I made You too small
          I never feared You at all No
          If You touched my face would I know You?
          Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

          (CHORUS)
          What do I know of You
          Who spoke me into motion?
          Where have I even stood
          But the shore along Your ocean?
          Are You fire? Are You fury?
          Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
          What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

          I guess I thought that I had figured You out
          I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
          How You were mighty to save
          Those were only empty words on a page
          Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
          The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

          (CHORUS)
          What do I know of You
          Who spoke me into motion?
          Where have I even stood
          But the shore along Your ocean?
          Are You fire? Are You fury?
          Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
          What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

          (CHORUS 2)
          What do I know of Holy?
          What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
          And a God who gave life "its" name?
          What do I know of Holy?
          Of the One who the angels praise?
          All creation knows Your name
          On earth and heaven above
          What do I know of this love?

          (CHORUS)
          What do I know of You
          Who spoke me into motion?
          Where have I even stood
          But the shore along Your ocean?
          Are You fire? Are You fury?
          Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
          What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

          What do I know of Holy?
          What do I know of Holy?


Thank You Jesus, for calling me to this journey. I do not know where I will be or what I will be like at the end of it, but I want nothing else.

Thank you M.A., J.&A.W., for journeying together. I knew I would need others to make it, I'm so glad He called you along too. I love hearing your experiences--the same journey, but so different for each of us. Don't stop. Press on. Remember, all we need to do is present ourselves, and let Him lead and teach.

And thank you S.A.M., my new friend, sister, spiritual director--you've given a gentle and firm vision of what His "no excuses" looks like, affirmed the journey, and helped strengthen the hope that I'll make it through.

Isaiah 58

Blessed with this chapter on Feb. 13, 2013, it came to life two days later, the 15 & 16, and has hitting me ever since. I think it is my new call, new vision, and perhaps it will be the guidance for the next season...I don't know how many years.

 

True and False Worship

58 

¹    “Shout with the voice of a trumpet blast.
    Shout aloud! Don’t be timid.
Tell my people Israel of their sins!
²     Yet they act so pious!
They come to the Temple every day
    and seem delighted to learn all about me.
They act like a righteous nation
    that would never abandon the laws of its God.
They ask me to take action on their behalf,
    pretending they want to be near me.
³ ‘We have fasted before you!’ they say.
    ‘Why aren’t you impressed?
We have been very hard on ourselves,
    and you don’t even notice it!’

“I will tell you why!” I respond.
    “It’s because you are fasting to please yourselves.
Even while you fast,
    you keep oppressing your workers.
⁴ What good is fasting
    when you keep on fighting and quarreling?
This kind of fasting
    will never get you anywhere with me.
⁵ You humble yourselves
    by going through the motions of penance,
bowing your heads
    like reeds bending in the wind.
You dress in burlap
    and cover yourselves with ashes.
Is this what you call fasting?
    Do you really think this will please the Lord?

⁶ “No, this is the kind of fasting I want:
Free those who are wrongly imprisoned;
    lighten the burden of those who work for you.
Let the oppressed go free,
    and remove the chains that bind people.
⁷ Share your food with the hungry,
    and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
    and do not hide from relatives who need your help.

⁸ “Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
    and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
    and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
⁹ Then when you call, the Lord will answer.
    ‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.

“Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
    Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
¹⁰ Feed the hungry,
    and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
    and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
¹¹ The Lord will guide you continually,
    giving you water when you are dry
    and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like an ever-flowing spring.
¹² Some of you will rebuild the deserted ruins of your cities.
    Then you will be known as a rebuilder of walls
    and a restorer of homes.

¹³ “Keep the Sabbath day holy.
    Don’t pursue your own interests on that day,
but enjoy the Sabbath
    and speak of it with delight as the Lord’s holy day.
Honor the Sabbath in everything you do on that day,
    and don’t follow your own desires or talk idly.
¹⁴ Then the Lord will be your delight.
    I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised to your ancestor Jacob.
    I, the Lord, have spoken!”

Learning to Trust

I've followed You
I've believed in You
And I've trusted You
With my life
With my choices
Almost all of my life
And yet
I am only learning to trust You now

Exposed

here I am LORD
a little fragile
a little vulnerable
open and exposed
I've shared my life my soul
it was well-received
and gently cared for
yet now I am alone
and
yearning
a little fearful
doubting
the let down
leaves me vulnerable
a little needy

I turn to You
my only rock
my only companion
through this life
hold me LORD
I'm here
held in your loving arms

Thank you friends who share your lives with me, and let me share my life and heart with you too.

Surrender

Here I am LORD

Broken before You

My heart

Exposed

Committed

Surrendered

I want no other life

This heart

Exposed

Quivering

Moved and shaken

Nervously anticipating

Trying not to fear

So moved

It has to follow

And lay down all

With joy

And some dread

Of the cost

The price

Yet

Still knowing

Someday

All costs will count

As nothing

Forever Reaching

forever reaching
forever yearning
but never touching
never crossing
this impasse
this divide
this wall

Review of "Outlive Your Life" by Max Lucado

In Outlive Your Live, Max Lucado challenges the reader to live to make a difference in their world. Good, challenging, except I felt like I was already coming from the other side of this. This book seems to be written to the complacent church-goer in North America, the ones that aren't involved, haven't yet been inspired to do more with their lives--more than just live for themselves.  I know many who are NOT complacent, already involved in great things.  And I myself was already inspired with this idea years ago--30 or more perhaps, and have sought to spend my life in ways that would "outlive my life".

So, from that perspective, I personally found the book lacking, and maybe a little simplistic. Main beef here is that while Lucado gives great inspiration for living and doing more, there is not an appreciation of the complexity and difficulty of truly engaging in something that will make a long-term difference.

Did the author hold my attention? Not really. I read 2/3 of the book close to when I first received, but then put it down for a long time--maybe it is where I am, or was wanting something that he wasn't trying to give--motivation and help and ideas to KEEP outliving my life when the outliving gets hard.

Still, there were some inspiring bits. I have really enjoyed Max Lucado's writing at times, but then I get tired of the style. I thought I might like to read one of his books again, but in the end I didn't even finish this one.
 
I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” 

What if...

What if
I had not gone through
All that pain last year

What if
I had not been so hit
That I had to fight
And struggle
And cry out
And finally climb out
Of the confusion
Being so enmeshed

If I hadn't gone through last year's
Would I be standing strong
And thinking clearly now
Would I be able to help others see
As all the responsibility
Now falls on them

If I hadn't gone through
And been pulled free
I'd be punching the tar-baby now
Lost and confused

Maybe I'm starting to see...

Not alone

I realized today, toward the end of our Journey with Jesus discussion, that I have sense of being abandoned by God and alone in life. For some reason, every attempt to work with others here has not resulted in a long-term good scenario...I've often wondered if I'm doing something wrong. Or, is this just the way God planned it for me? If so, it would be easier to know--like the prophets were sometimes told.

But God does not usually tell me as much as I'd like to know.

As I pondered, I realized there are so many ways in which I have NOT been left alone.

Financially--I, and staff, and students and all the costs related to the project--have been cared for throughout these years.

As I think about how my views about faith have changed...I'm so glad that the year I realized I had changed and wondered what that would mean going home to my home church--and realized--they had changed too. Half a world a part, not much connected, and yet we had been on parallel journeys, and those who had bee close spiritual companions earlier, still were.  For many it doesn't happen that way.

These are just a few...

God, You have been with me, in so many ways I can see,

 and probably in so many ways I cannot see.

Help me to grow in this. 

May the head knowledge 

become deep transforming assurance and peace.

I am not alone. 

I never have been.

You are here. 

You are beside me.

You are with me.

Laziness

"Over-activity, over-work, and over-involvement are each a cover-up for laziness at the center" 
(Sunder Krishnan quoting a book written by Eugene Peterson)

The laziness of not seeking Christ, staying to listen to Him, hearing from Him. I am too often way too lazy.

2013 Living Sacrifice, Today