In this transition, suddenly comes an awe, a holy fear. It started yesterday, with Preston's blog post (Thank you, Preston!); it was this line that did it: "but King Jesus has a sword coming out of his mouth". This Journey had me read that passage in Revelation back in November. I called it the "freaky Jesus"--the picture that came to mind then--not the soft gentle appealing and kind Jesus that I often think of, but this Jesus too, is true.
I've struggled with distraction. About the Sabbath, Isaiah 58:13 says to honour it, "by not going your own way and not doing as you please..." Yesterday was my "Sabbath", but I did a lot of "what I please". Today, before the time of prayer, I suddenly thought: What would Jesus say to all my excuses? What would happen if He showed up before me here and now? Would the excuses fly, convince Him, impress Him? I doubt it.
Today's prep for the next section had me read Mark 1-10 in one sitting. Later I wrote:
You are completely "other"
Teaching, healing
No one could predict You
or demand You do it their way
But You are full of compassion and patience
I find myself among the disciples
Like them I am eager to follow
Like them I also get off track
Find other priorities compete, or
do not fully understand Yours
Like them, I need You to teach me
Teach me, Lord,
as I come to the next phase of the journey
And at the end
May I not be like those
Who found the cost too great
and turned away
May I be counted among those
still following
You ahead
Me behind
Amazed and maybe afraid
But following.
And then, this afternoon I discovered this song. (Thanks Wendy--for having it on your player)
I listen...and something like a holy fear descends...if I can even pretend to know what that means. (listen...lyrics below)
What do I Know of Holy
I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?
(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?
Thank You Jesus, for calling me to this journey. I do not know where I will be or what I will be like at the end of it, but I want nothing else.
Thank you M.A., J.&A.W., for journeying together. I knew I would need others to make it, I'm so glad He called you along too. I love hearing your experiences--the same journey, but so different for each of us. Don't stop. Press on. Remember, all we need to do is present ourselves, and let Him lead and teach.
And thank you S.A.M., my new friend, sister, spiritual director--you've given a gentle and firm vision of what His "no excuses" looks like, affirmed the journey, and helped strengthen the hope that I'll make it through.
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