Permanent Beta

Michael Hyatt says to "Embrace Permanent Beta and Launch".  There is a sense in which I need to do that more--just DO IT!  Don't wait for it to be perfect and all figured out, it's already pretty good--do it, and twig it as you go.

And yet, there are some ways in which I DO do this, and I'm okay with it.  

These days I'm thinking about how to wrap up this first time through with the students in our final year-long course "Lead Yourself, Lead Others", and especially how to wrap up the "my story" component.  I got the idea a couple of years ago reading Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and started dreaming of how it could be used. Earlier, a professor had led us through a project thinking about our own life themes, using sticky-notes to create a timeline similar to this one. It was so meaningful for me personally, I want others to experience it.

So I started, just jumped in.  

To refresh myself, I looked online again, and got ideas from others. Online--what do you know, Donald Miller had audio resources fleshing out story, and NOW, there is Storyline!  Oh my goodness, what I anticipate doing with students in the future with this, is so much better than what we are doing now. Can hardly wait! But first I have to do the process myself (let's see, would it be possible to do the 2-day conference? or will it be the book, or online group?). And then I need to contact the organization--ask if there is stuff coming in Chinese, or if they have problems with my turning it into Chinese, and then...

But...we're doing it now, we're already doing it.  And ... it is way less complete and powerful than what I imagine the big package deal to be. And it is way less than I imagine we will some day be doing. Maybe we can invite these current students back for the future version some day.

It is way less, but I am doing it.
It is way less, but I think it will be pretty good.  

Yes, permanent beta. Launch, and improve as you go.

It is how our whole program goes.

Btw, blog posts are kind of like this too :o) if I waited for perfection...nothing would ever get posted.
Gee...maybe God does "permanent beta"...now that's another take...(only goes so far...but..)

Gone

It's gone now

Washed away by the rain

The blood spilled on the pavement last night

All the signs are gone

But still I remember

I want to remember

Don't know how or if I should remember

Don't know what to do with it

It happened so fast

And rather familiar

But the outcome is not always so devastating

I heard from my kitchen

Up here on the 4th floor

A thump

Then, looking out

Saw people running

I too...went to look

Out my office

There on the ground a man

Dark pants, white shirt

Fallen off his motorbike

Guess he had been hit

People were there

Trying to pull him up

A lady with a baby carrier

Worked to pull the motorbike off him

At first I thought he was moving, responding

That the next thing he'd do is struggle to get up

Shake himself, stumble a bit

But get up

But he didn't

He seemed to curl up a bit

And the crowd stepped away

And the dark stain around his head was clear

and huge

Even from the 4th floor

The ambulance came

I didn't see them take him

The last I saw was the spot with all the blood...

and the motorbike still there

Police checking, measuring

And finally ... just the blood was left

But now even that is gone

Washed away by the rain

But him

Is he gone?

Did I watch him go last night?

Or maybe he was gone before I even saw anything?

Did someone lose their husband last night?

Their father?

Or is he still in hospital, struggling to remain?

How should I think about this?

How should I respond?

How should I remember, or not remember?

It's the kind of thing that makes you want to do something

Or feel like you should have

Last night--what did I do?

Whisper a prayer:

     "Lord have mercy" "Lord, help him live"

Make a couple of calls, overcome that "surely someone down there must

     have called an ambulance" thinking, but by the time I got the number 

     and called, the ambulance had arrived

Send a text message to a colleague: "Do you ALWAYS wear a helmet 

     when on your motorbike, even for short distances in town? This is

     what I just saw..."

Lord, bless the man, bless his family

Lord have mercy

Lord have mercy

--The accident: June 3, 2012, around 9 p.m.

A Healthy Soul

"...a soul is healthy to the extent that it experiences a strong connection to and receptivity to God."

from Soul Care

These days...focusing on renewing that health--the connection and receptivity.

"Living from a healthy soul does not mean you'll have an easy life...[it] means you remain alive to God, alive to yourself and alive to others, smack in the middle of the ups and down s of life."

Mindy Caliguire, in preview from Discovering Soul Care

How alive to God am I? How can I become more alive to God?

Don't Refuse This

Karen talks about her invitation to the White House, because of her father's death as a soldier in Vietnam, then quotes another:


“I get the invitation every morning when I wake up to actually live a life of complete engagement, a life of whimsy, a life where love does. It doesn’t come in an envelope. It’s ushered in by the sunrise, the sound of a bird, or the smell of coffee driving lazily from the kitchen. It’s the invitation to actually live, to fully participate in this amazing life for one more day. Nobody turns down an invitation to the White House, but I’ve seen plenty of people turn down the invitation to live fully. Turning down the invitation comes in lots of flavors. It looks like numbing yourself or distracting yourself or seeing something really beautiful as just normal. It can also look like refusing to forgive or not being grateful or getting wrapped around the axle with fear or envy.  I think everyday God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited. But you see, we have been invited — every day, all over again.” 

From Karen Spears Zacharias' blog, quoting Bob Goff's book.

Thanks for this Karen, thanks for this Lord.

No Fish

No, I haven't caught any fish.

Not quite sure what to do with myself these days

I went out looking

Wanted to...at least do something

Something to pass the time

Something to fill the ache

Something productive

Something that might at least make me feel useful

And like there is purpose

I've lost purpose

Now that You've gone

Or show up so much less

Not sure of my direction

The way forward has no path

Unless I make one myself

And fishing ain't so bad

A good living

Respectable

I am good at it

Or ... was

But I have caught nothing

Here in this boat 

I have not found anything to fill

The longings are still the same

The ache is still there

The missing You ... in community

Trying to figure it all out

What was this all supposed to be about anyway

I left

I followed

You spoke to me

And touched my heart in so many ways

I thought I would never be the same

But now I wonder

And I haven't caught any fish


(Jn 21 "Have you caught any fish?")

I lean into pain

I lean into pain...I think that's it, that's how it looks for me. That's how I am my Father's daughter.

Jamie TVWM wrote: "In the same way, when you lean hard into the gifts that God his given you and when you pour your might, spirit, and heart into those gifts, then you reflect beautifully on your Father in heaven.

You get to lay it all out there! And then remember that Shame and Pride have lost their place in your world - You are simply your Father's son. "

I lean into pain.

• Wednesday morning on the steps of the courthouse, waiting with friends for their divorce proceedings to begin (later postponed due to the other party not coming). 
• That night another struggling.
• This week a colleague has been out searching for our new students--stories of pain and struggle--the one with no parents, yes, we're taking her for sure.
• Tonight a call--a sister hurting, mom feared for her life last night when dad beat her.  Now she's bringing mom to her city, courageously doing what she can, yet hurting.

I love that line: "lean hard into the gifts that God has given you, " and then recognizing that "I'm my Father's daughter."

Not sure I fully live this yet. Too much insecurity and wondering. And then also too much pride and shame.  

Yet...I've also backed away from some pain in recent months. What's with that?

Don't know how this "I lean into pain" idea popped into my head, but it fits--the life I live and the work I do...lean in, to join with others in the pain, help find healing, relief... Perhaps it also fits the attitude I need to adopt in facing this other pain.

I want to live this more and more. I need to really lean in, to enter into some of the even closer pain, quit pulling back, quit flinching.  

I'm my Father's daughter. I'm meant to lean in.

How will she...

What will it look like
How will it happen
When she finally believes?

'Cause I think she really is on the way
Slow though it is

Is she?

She started out--"I don't believe in Jesus, but I like people who do"
Two years ago

She still doesn't 'believe'
But when we talk about thanking Him
She realizes, she can thank Him for meeting people that believe in Him
Showing her a way of living that is good
Something she would have known

And as we study Mark together
So slowly
We rotate facilitating
She doesn't pray
But brings up that it is time for that part.

Yesterday--a friend whose parents are in divorce court next Wednesday
asked for prayer, but said, "I don't know what to pray for"
She came back to that later and said,
"Don't know what to pray for...well, can ask for a just and fair result"
And after we had finished praying she said,
"And oh, I forgot to say (a student who is ill)"

Is she on the way?
I think so
Oh Jesus
Bring her home
Home to You

And I can't wait to see how it will be
How your seed is falling even now
On soil that is being prepared
Oh how deep the roots will grow
Please make them grow deep LORD
And Oh the fruit that will come
Fruit that will last, please LORD
A strong tree in the courts of our God
That's what she will look like
That's where this is going
I hope
I pray 
Our Father, may Your will be done

(written several weeks ago...'yesterday' is not yesterday)

Running...

You on the beach
Me in the boat
But there You are
Calling out to me

I see it is You
I turn
I jump
I run
Nothing else matters

I run to You
I look in Your face

I want to know
How You might look at me
What You might say to me
Please...speak to me

Speak to me
Say the words I long to hear
Say the words I need to hear

Invite me once again
To follow only You
Ignoring all others

(inspired by...John 21)

A Decision...

A decision made

For sanity

For boundaries

For time and space to recover and heal

In the working through to forgiveness and restoration

I still am not sure where the boundaries are

And that I could do better next time

So...in spite of the "need" that compels

I chose for space

Distance from the hassle

And heart struggle

Until perspective can be regained

Reconciliation at a slower

More measured pace

The decision is somewhat painful

And yet hopeful

I feel a peace

I had not quite expected

Healing Love

Is this how it is then
Just one long, never-ending journey
Growing deeper into Your love
Finding that the healing needed
Goes deeper still

For those who barely or don't yet know You
I so often see their need
And know it is You--

He needs Your powerful, unconditional love
You, Your love can
   Heal the wounds of childhood
   Give him the safety he lacks
   Free him from his over-sensitivity
   Give him confidence
   Enable him to become who he was meant to be

Your Love is what she needs
   To free her from the self-deception
   Thinking that comments of others don't affect
   When they do

They need You
And yet
So many more years down the road of knowing Your love
I, too, am just beginning

Does it mean I don't yet know Your love?
That I have not yet received and been healed and freed by your love?
That I don't yet live in Your love?

No...
I do
I have
I know and am living in Your love

Yet the need goes so much deeper
And Your love is so much grander

There are parts of my soul not yet touched
Not yet awakened

Here I am Jesus
Again
Still
On this journey
Of finding You
Of seeing You
Of seeking You

Show me, teach me, of Your love
Teach me to receive
And to live in Your love

Work the healing for now
And the healing to come

Thank You
this love
You
Forever, this journey   

Fatherless

Fatherless young men, and the things with which they are struggling--that was the theme one day.

A 2 hour conversation with a university student. Oh this one was good, because he has come through so much of his pain, recognized and processed much already, and has newly come to know God as Father. This conversation wasn't actually even much between us, as me facilitating him talking to Immanuel (Immanuel Process) and finding healing there. How he lost his dad--suicide--he was one of the ones who ran upstairs and saw the body, the blood, after hearing the thump. Much of the pain he's processing now followed from the years after that event.

The next...well, already wrote about it here. His dad died from what I imagine to be a pretty simple problem.  He was injured in a construction accident--shoulder hit, probably cut, later it swelled...I suspect infection. They didn't have money, he didn't go to the hospital. He died a month or two later.

And the last one I talked to was later--via text message. 
"How are you today? Are you telling yourself "hopeful" words?"  
Feeling pretty hopeless. He's in an incredibly busy semester, high pressure, been fighting depression...his dad died last July after wasting away for two years. Sometimes it's hard to sleep, hard to stop thinking, hard to see anything positive about life or self. This time all he could see was 'failure' 'hopeless' 'inability'. 

It's sad...too many have lost their fathers way too early. Yet, what a privilege to know these guys, to have the privilege of walking with them afterwards. I don't know what my life would be like had I experienced their pain. I so admire their honesty and courage--to admit and face the struggles of their lives. One by one, may they come to know the One who is Father to the fatherless.

So...why do I have to talk?

I wanted to come home to a quiet evening
I needed to spend quiet time reflecting, and reading, and catching up on some emails

Well, it was good to connect with my roommate
Some pretty funny comments and spontaneous moments in there

And yet there was lots of needless chatter
My soul longs for quiet
But my mouth just won't pull it off

Engaging is good
Yet, maybe it could have been different

Could it have been more quiet?
Could there have been more listening, more reflection?
Would me soul be more at ease now...?

How to live
in silence
and in connection

I want to learn more silent, withing the conversation
Father...reveal my heart
Grow a listener
A learner
A quiet one
 
 

Weep for the Lack

So many other guys have girlfriends, I really want to have a girlfriend too.
I'm lonely on weekends, ever since I hurt my friend--we don't talk much since then.
They don't think about how I feel, don't consider what I gave, I think they're just selfish.

So many things he wanted to talk about, burdening him down.  I'm so glad he did, and it was a great conversation--talking about how we let other people know how we feel, apologize when we've done wrong, evaluate why we might want to be in a relationship.

I cried after he left though. I just feel bad for him, wish he didn't have to wait until high school, to get here and have to talk to me about this stuff. I cried for his lack!

These are questions a guy should have been talking with his parents on and off again, over and over again, over the years growing up. They are the ordinary questions of growing up, learning to live, learning to make things right with others, learning to apologize, or let others know when they've hurt you, etc. But who has instructed him?

And then the other painful part...family.

Other students ask me about my dad. I don't know what to say. I say he's away.
My mom...came home at spring festival...she's lost a lot of hair, has way more wrinkles...and she brought a man with her, I don't like the way the people in the village talk about this...
...only cried once since dad died (abt 10 years ago), that was last term when mom was about to have surgery.

Did no one reach out to this guy and give him opportunities to grieve after his dad died? Well, can't blame anyone else, they didn't know either, but...

Now, in grade 11 he wants to talk, wants to know what to do about these. I love his heart, that he wants to learn. 

Tonight he plans to make an appointment to get together with his friend. He'll put away 'face' and apologize later in the week, and hopefully regain a friend. He's learning the skills.  (Skills I'm still working on myself.)
I just hurt that he hasn't had parents to walk this with him, that he has to try so hard to be strong.  (His sister--oh, I can't say for sure, but I think her 'trying to be strong' is in her over the top exuberance. Ah...)

I love this part of the work I do, the one-on-one walking with students. But I wonder...if it had been me...oh...

It's ALL plus

So I started the Journey yesterday, Journey with Jesus.

I didn't get through the exercises this morning. My roommate had to knock on my door to get me up for prayer time...I WAS in bed by midnight last night, which was very good, but didn't sleep for a long time...not used to it yet I guess.

So the exercises...I didn't get through them this morning. And I didn't do the full examen today at noon. And I realized that yesterday I didn't pray the examen quite right--I focussed on a couple of the important questions, but missed some important parts.

But it's really okay, because on this journey, everything is a great big PLUS. All that I do, that I'm learning to do, is directing me to Jesus, drawing me to Him.

When I answered the question "When and how did you feel the love of God today?" It wasn't too nice to confess that...I hadn't. But if I hadn't, now I'm aware that I have been missing it, and I can ask.  Oh Lord, help me to see. Today when I asked myself...one answer: that I'm still here, that He still loves me, that He still gives another day, more chances. Last night reflecting on the grace I'm asking for at this time--growing awareness of the love of God--at one point I thought, "but, oh Lord, I can't just ask for me."  It felt like this could all get so selfish--just praying and seeking about what's in my heart and my relationship with God...but I must also ask for others. But that's just it, isn't it? An awareness of the love of God for me WILL lead me to think of others. His love just works that way.

So, even while I'm not getting the steps quite right, and my time and my schedule are not yet where they are supposed to be, it's all a plus...all that I do, do, every moment turned toward Him, with Him, learning to live in His presence, is good.

Tonight I know to do the part about asking Him to make me aware of my sin in the examen. Yeah...well there are some I'm already aware of...some already apologized for and confessed today. It seems there may be a whole truckload...and tears. But...who knows, maybe there I'll feel His love for me.

It's all a plus, and...I just might be coming alive again!

Starting a Journey

I want to be transformed by Jesus.

I need a deeper awareness of His love for me.

I know that transformation happens by time in His presence, and living from there, and yet I struggle to know how to spend that time.

A year or two ago I noticed a comment in a sermon I've listened to many times--about the exercises of St. Ignatius, how in them there is a great focus on meditating on the love of God.

In Thailand recently, a random comment by someone else at the place I was staying reminded me, and then I found this book: Journey with Jesus: Discovering the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius.

And now it's all coming together. I'm starting the journey.  And actually, I might only do the first three weeks of this one, and then repeat, and then stop for a time.  Not totally sure.  The author says you really should have a spiritual director for this journey.  And, I'd love to have some others take it with me.  Praying about all of that.

But I am starting now anyways. Starting and doing even partially--starting to get into the habit and pattern of the exercises, and especially the asking for a certain 'grace' and then examen at noon and night--this will be beneficial.

So I'm starting a journey. The first three weeks--focussing on the love of God, really deep down coming to know and believe He does. (I know He does, but there is a part of me that doesn't, and needs to know.)

Desperate again!

I remember the last time I was desperate like this, 7 years ago now.  I remember reading Phil. 3:8 where Paul said he had lost all things for the sake of Christ. What I realized was "Nothing is worth keeping, at the cost of losing Christ." I was weary, living too busy, seeing so much not like Christ inside, and had come to the place where I was hardly hearing His voice. At that time I evaluated, and made changes. In the evaluation time, I was so clear that anything and everything could be scratched if needed--my role, my work. Nothing was worth keeping at the expense of losing Christ.

Now I am in a similar place, and needing to see that central focus return. Last week I heard a previously recorded message by Dallas Willard, and one line has been repeatedly going through my head: 

"The greatest challenge to our faith is to make sure

 we do the things we need to do 

to keep ourselves centered in God 

and ... environed in grace."

I'm not sure how to plan my schedule. I'll probably never figure it out, but there are some things that have to happen. And this is a filter I can use to evaluate the decisions of each day--will it help keep me centered in God?

I don't know if I'll get my work hours down to consistently 50 or less...actually, I have to find a way (I just hope I let fall the things that are least important).  I must make sure I learn to get to bed earlier (:o/ writing at 2:15 a.m. now), so that I can get up in the morning for time with Him. The morning prayer time with my roommate is good. The new book I am starting to dabble in, and its noon and evening examen, is good!  These will help keep me centered in God. Everything else can go!

If I do nothing else, I must say "Yes!" to the things that will keep me abiding, centered in God, surrounded and transformed by His grace.

Undone

I'm at a loss
Undone
Everything I have tried
Has failed

Yet...
I haven't tried everything
I must be more undone
Completely lose

And in losing
Perhaps I will find my soul

Learning to Abide

What does it mean to "abide" or "remain" in the vine? I've been asking that question and seeking to learn to live it for years now. Time and again I find myself hovering in John 14-17, realizing again that ... if and when I figure out how to live all that is there, this will be life fulfilled, lived joyful, lived well.

I'm there again, hovering, reading and then reading again. (I guess it may be called "meditating"?)

I want to learn to abide, remain in Jesus, remain in His love, remain in His presence. Yesterday was good, as the stresses and frustrations came--changes, people not understanding, a 'quick trip to the hospital' becoming 6 hours there. But I was reminded to turn to Jesus, and as I turned, and asked and listened...new thoughts came, broader and wider perspectives... Oh, I didn't get it all right. Sometimes I did not turn quickly enough, did not listen first to Him before responding. But hopefully I am learning, and getting better at this.

No matter what the stresses of life, no matter what the challenges that come, there is and can be love and patience for others, there is grace that I can receive and live out.

Today, once again I turn toward Him, once again I seek to abide.

As the Father has loved me
so have I loved you.
Abide in my love.
If you keep my commandments,
you will abide in my love,
just as I have kept my Father's commandments
and abide in His love.
These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and that your joy may be full.
This is my commandment, 
that you love one another
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this,
That someone lay down his life for his friends.
Jn. 15:9-13

Life Lived Slow

oh to learn to live life slow
not rushed
not bursting with ideas
and rushing to catch up
but
thoughtfully
relaxed
wisely
listening
a kind and gentle presence with others
a calm and settled essence within

broken

 

That staff
It's broken now
And so am I

Any worship
Any service
Is broken 
    incomplete
    imperfect 

Much not known
Much not 'together'

But You are the Healer
    Redeemer
The one who takes what's shattered
And redeems
    renews

And I will worship
This life was meant to give glory to You
To worship You
I have found no other
Worthy of my adoration
Worthy of following for a lifetime
I have found no other
    Healer
    Redeemer

Broken, fallen
I keep crawling to You
Because I know You receive
You restore
You renew
and You will never stop loving 
    even the broken
    even me