Maybe there's a strong that feels...weak
Maybe there's a victorious that doesn't feel at all triumphant
Maybe there's a successful that feels...lost, wandering, all over the place
Maybe things are not at all what they seem
(Dec. 16, 2014)
The invitation
written Dec. 1, 2014
Pulling
Drawing
What are you pulling me
into
towards
A new level of abandon
commitment
surrender
How
Why
I don't understand it
It just seems that all that has happened
Is working together towards something...
Pulling
Drawing
What are you pulling me
into
towards
A new level of abandon
commitment
surrender
How
Why
I don't understand it
It just seems that all that has happened
Is working together towards something...
Satan won...
Satan won
this time
for now
over this life
He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed
What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through
He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside
Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her
What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won
What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...
But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering
Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy
Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times
Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time
But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains
this time
for now
over this life
He convinced her
time and again
that she was unloved
It was the lie she believed
misconstrued
from many events
and to which she finally succumbed
What blocked the way
Why was she not able to come to healing
Why was there no way through
He also seemed to convince her that
there was no way out
there was no one she could talk to
she needed to build distance
and keep it inside
Yes, if he could convince her
to hold it inside
to not be open about her pain
to not ask for serious help
then he could weaken her
What happened in those final moments
We may never know
What finally snapped
What finally won
What went right all those other times
Why she kept on...
But finally
she did it
took her life
and left her husband
and boys
and parents
and siblings
aching
wondering
Yes, his mark is all over this
the prints of the one who comes and loves
to steal, kill and destroy
Much has been destroyed
Hope is gone
hope for
reconciliation
forgiveness
holidays spent together
a family whole at significant times
Yes, Satan, you surely dealt a blow
that will be felt for a long time
But know this
This is not the end of the story
And hope still remains
Grief coming on...
A grief coming on
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to
My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all
It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in
I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.
God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading
Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us
And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness
First it was for my kids
Birthed from an idea
And it led me to
My grief
The losses
The current struggles
In family
In relationships
Things unsettled
Things not mentioned
Glances
Words
Questions
Awkwardness
Much just barely felt
Until the times when
I feel it all
It's probably all down there
Building
Adding
Soon to be a volcano
Erupting
Unless I heed the call, the invitation
Today
To enter in
I wrote the above 4 days ago. Then, two and a half days later I heard the news, the dreadful news--a cousin is gone from this life, took her own life. Oh the pain, oh the agony, especially for those closest to her. And for me...a sense of His guiding, leading...a heart prepared, and a time...to enter into what all this means, the feelings, the things that need to be acknowledged, the sharing with family.
God of this journey
You know my ways
You know the past, present and future
You know the mess
The incompetence
Inadequacy
Of my ways
And yet You are guiding
You are here
You are leading
Lead us all
Guide us Lord
Heal us
Teach us
And for those especially hurting
Hold them Lord
Comfort
Strengthen
Give hope
And light through this darkness
The song that makes me weep...
What is it with this song? As I listened the first time, the second time, and then again today...tears stream down my face. I
first heard it last week, when I was at a Catholic retreat centre. Each
of us were all on our own silent retreat, so no interaction, but there
was this 11:30 liturgy time. I forgot about it, but suddenly heard
singing. I went to the chapel, but was late and didn't want to disturb
or be noticed, so I stood outside the door listening, and this is what
they were singing. Certain lines jumped out and touched me. I searched the hymnal they were using to try to find it. No luck. But online, I found it. There seem to be a couple versions.
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
Here I am, Lord,
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
Why the tears? It's a mixture of so many things.
There is a shame and yet a receiving of grace
There is a being moved at such a noble vision, such a tender heart
And an amazement that humbles me,
That I would be invited to be a part of such a great and noble thing.
But also shame...dismay
For many times I hear You "calling in the night"
And I don't give the respect and honour that is due
I run off to other things
Listen to other voices...
And yet I still hear You calling
Maybe if I sit here long enough
Keep getting to know You, keep hearing Your heart
I might be moved
To clearer intent, greater obedience, greater surrender,
More focused and intentional following
Here it is, sung by Chris Bray...lyrics below.
by Daniel O'Donnel (His version)
I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard My people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.
I who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear My light to them?
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
I the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people's pain,
I have wept for love of them,
They turn away.
I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my word to them.
Whom shall I send?
Here I am Lord, Is it I Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night.
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.
John Michael Talbot switches the last verse for this one
I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will tend the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them,
My hand will save
Finest bread I will provide,
Till their hearts be satisfied.
I will give My life to them,
Whom shall I send?
John Michael Talbot's version:
The pull, the choice...
Torn
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Pulled
Where will I live?
Where will I focus my attention?
This, I suppose, is the challenge
The NEWer challenge
To find a way, somehow
To focus my attention HERE
Here
where You have led me
where I have lived most of my adult years
where it's become so old and hard
often it isn't naturally exciting and 'drawing' anymore
But here You have led me
To here I have agreed to commit
At times the vision still feels glorious and grand
At times it isn't 'old'
At times it is still very compelling
There still is much joy
And work that excites
But it doesn't come as naturally anymore
And there are newer and fresher
attractions
ideas
That compete, and draw
My attention
So
I must choose
I must choose TODAY
Today, fresh, I must find a way
To look in the face of what I am supposed to do
And make it my focus
My goal
My aim
Today, fresh, I must look away from other things
Today I must do this
And then, tomorrow, remember
And figure out how to do it again
Again and again I must choose
Maybe the "torn" feeling will lessen
Maybe the other "draws" won't be so strong
Maybe it will be a constant battle
But it's not really about here, is it?
It's about You
Somehow staying rooted in You
And then living here
(wherever "here" is at the time)
Ah Jesus
Teach me to live
Rooted in You
And living fully HERE
Strength Comes
Strength comes
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Like you promised
Enough for each day
Enough for tomorrow
I even feel a little left over towards tomorrow
But ...
It may be gone by morning
When I'll need to come again
Learn to trust again
Keep reaching up (Talking to Trees)
Where do you find the strength?
How do you sustain and support yourself out there
So far from the trunk
No external support
You started out pointed down, but then grew up
What sort of internal dynamics or structure
Enable
Support
Insist
That you continue to point up
That you must reach up
You will continue to grow up
If you can
Then there must be a way I can
Extended
Reaching
Far from visible and obvious support
But strengthened from within
Created to endure
And thrive
And keep reaching up
And going forward
We need to talk... I need to hear
We need to talk
Well, we have been talking
Maybe You've been talking to me
Maybe I've heard some things
I think I have
Maybe I haven't heard what You've really wanted me to hear
Maybe I haven't been listening
But...
I think things are coming to a climax here
Or they need to
I need to hear... more
Something has to change
Maybe... I sense...
In the end there will be
Some sort of
newer way
or deeper level
of trusting You
There must be
There needs to be
Somehow, some way
Something needs to change
Really change
Please, can You break through to me here?
Can You say something really loud and clear?
Something that will give clarity, direction
and hope
for this next season
for today
We need to talk
or rather
I need to hear
Really need to hear
Please speak
Please break through
Strengthen my heart, my soul
For this journey
That has somehow become
Harder than ever
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
seek his presence continually!
I. Chr. 16:11, ESV
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my
trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Ps. 143:8, NIV
Come to me...(again)
"Come to me," You said...again, still.
You reminded me: "I love You"
(Thank You!)
And we have spent these days
I have tried to be still
And yet not as still as I could have been
How still do you have to be anyways?
How clear do I need to see?
God of my journey
God who knows all
There hasn't been time
There isn't space
To explore all
To resolve all
Much just started
Much pondered
(the trees...I will be pondering for days!)
But...it's okay, isn't it?
You will take it from here
You will take me from here
You will continue to guide and lead
This is one thing I do take away
The message of this reading
I read it on day one, and continued to ponder
I read it again today
Each time, tears come
It may be granted, therefore, that we are called to difficult and costly service. Yet have we abundant cause to be satisfied with it, from the sustaining support and consolation provided for its emergencies. All, indeed, may be considered to be included in the single promise, "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the world." The officers he employs, in every age, are entitled to this treasure, as well as those of the first age. Keep your mind believingly attentive to this "always"--
"Lo, I am with you,"
to qualify and succeed you in whatever work I call you to.
"Lo, I am with you,"
to comfort you by my presence and Spirit, when your hearts are
grieved.
"Lo, I am with you,"
to defend and strengthen you in trials, though all men forsake you.
While he stands with you, there can be no just cause for fear or faintness. You need no other encouragement. This you shall never want, if you continue faithful: and thereupon you may conclude, "The Lord shall deliver me from every evil work, and will preserve me until his heavenly kingdom."
--Daniel Williams as quoted in On the Ministerial Office
(A Guide to Prayer for Ministers and Other Servants, pp.382-383)
Something's wrong
Something is wrong
But I don't know what
Something is
unsettled
not at peace
not at home
wandering
searching
seeking
yearning
not satisfied
lacking joy
lacking enthusiasm
Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
things unresolved
questions unanswered
wonderings
discomfort at my many failings
Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know
But I don't know what
Something is
unsettled
not at peace
not at home
wandering
searching
seeking
yearning
not satisfied
lacking joy
lacking enthusiasm
Maybe it is the accumulation...of life
things unresolved
questions unanswered
wonderings
discomfort at my many failings
Jesus,
I'm arranging some time
Clearing away the noise
To meet with You
To focus in
To come and hear
Please
Meet me in that time
Speak deeply to my soul
Remind me again of Your love
Show me...whatever I need to see
And strengthen me again
In whatever way it is needed
For the future, the journey, that only You know
Satisfy
Nothing to feed me here
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?
And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...
I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering
Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now
I'm left yearning...
I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy
In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long
How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships
Probably both
And yet people fail
You say You won't
Even with You...
Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either
Or nothing to feed the distraction
The sense of meaning
The false sense of meaning?
And yet I am hungry
Searching
Wanting
Yearning
For affirmation
Attention
Something that tells me...
I've cut off the sources
And now I'm left wandering
Places I've looked for comfort, encouragement
Are gone now
I'm left yearning...
I look to You
I try to look to You
Wondering if You really will
If You really do
Satisfy
In a sense I know You do
In a sense I know that only You do
But it feels like
It has been so long
How does it work anyway
Do You, in Yourself alone
Meet all of our needs
Just in You alone
Or do You meet some
Through people
Through relationships
Probably both
And yet people fail
You say You won't
Even with You...
Is it a sign of idolatry
Or just a sign of
Being a normal human being
(Something I have probably never been)
To desire connection
To thrive with healthy connection
But then...have I ever had enough of that either
Turning
A slow turning
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God
Yes it's slow
Very slow
Help me God
Turning back to God
To fixing my mind and heart on God
Yes it's slow
Very slow
Help me God
Stripping and Building
Stripping down
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter
Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify
I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away
A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present
It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again
But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality
There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?
I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy
Throwing away
Breaking through
The junk and clutter
Things have accumulated
In all parts of my world
Physical--paper clutter, piles, old electronics
Mental--questions, wonderings
Emotional--confusing relationships and obligations
Virtual--too many connections, options, places to run
More than I can even identify
I'm stripping down
Clarifying
Closing down
Cleaning out
Throwing away
A lightness comes
A hope
A sense of living in the present
It's not done
I must continue
For there is much to be cleared away
And if I don't continue
The piles will return
To clutter
And drag down again
But as I strip away
I'm also aware of barrenness, emptiness
There are areas needing
Support, repair, or brand new additions
There is need to build
Physical--awnings for the cages, air con repairs, shelves
Mental--a plan, order
Emotional--strengthen life-giving relationships
Virtual--more intentionality
There was need to build before this stripping
And even more after
For what will fill the emptiness?
I've wasted too much time bogged down
How can I strip down and build up
For a life that will go the distance
Accomplishing the task
Faithfully running the race
Lighter
With more joy
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses,
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely,
and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,
who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,
despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself,
so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
--Heb. 12:1-3
He withholds no good thing from us
There is a theme that came today.
First a Scripture reading included this:
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this?
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
CHORUS
First a Scripture reading included this:
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things.
Ps. 81:10b
Ps. 81:10b
Then a song recommendation--"Open My Hands" by Sara Groves
Which refers to this verse:
The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.
Ps. 84:10b
And I am stopped
Stunned
Sharing it with friends...I could hardly say it
I know I need to come before You
And find a way to believe it
First, am I walking uprightly?
If yes,
Then I can trust
You will withhold no good thing from me
The song...it's a song of paradox, a song that calls out faith
Some of the lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand...
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
...
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
So...will I?
Will I do this?
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
Funny, the lyrics I first copied over here have this line in the chorus:
I will show up and play the smallest part
Which actually is not in the song
But I like it...
I know I can "show up" and play my part
But can I do it with joy?
With confidence?
With expectancy?
With a knowing that You
Really will
Withhold no good thing from me?
Whatever I receive
Or don't receive
You are not withholding any good thing from me
You are filling my "mouth," my life
With good things
Many good things...
Lyrics:
I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing, no good thing from us
I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS:
I will open my hands will open my heart
I will open my hands will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me
I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us
CHORUS
No good thing from us
No good thing from us
He withholds no good thing from us
CHORUS
Waiting...
It hurts so much
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
I couldn't have imagined this pain
Do I regret having come here?
Almost
Do I want to stay open for more pain?
Like this?
Not really
But...
I don't know the end of the story
And, are there are some endings for which I would say,
"Yes, the pain is worth it"?
Probably
In the end
Can it be not about "pain"
or "endings"
But about how You led?
If I could hear You
If I know You are in this
If I know that I'm responding to Your direction
Then I can (maybe, hopefully!) trust
That it is part of Your forming
Your shaping
Even...
Your blessing
I'm not hearing You much or very well these days
I'm not sensing, or feeling much Your presence
It's nicer
It's easier
When I do
But I've learned my feelings are not the truth
Whether or not I feel
I can choose to trust
I choose to remember Your promises
You are here
You are guiding
You've promised to not let my foot slip
Could it be You are guiding even now,
Even when it feels like I'm slipping all over the place?
It could be
And so I wait...
What kind of darkness..., Part 2
Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people...
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Is. 58:6b, 9
...Help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
Is. 58:10b, 11
Is this what You mean Lord?
I thought it might be about something systemic
Perhaps related to sexuality
And the "bonds broken" happening through education
But sitting there beside him
In his darkness
And later pondering
I realized...
This is good
You want hope for him
And maybe this is what You mean
When You talk about removing the chains that bind people
And the heavy yoke of oppression
I sensed You guiding that day
Guiding the prayers, the tears, the words
And maybe this is what You mean
When You say my light will shine out from the darkness
And that You will guide me continually
Guide Lord, lead
And...please,
Shine into his darkness
Make his darkness into light
Restore hope and strength to his bones once again
This is the view from where I sat, the view out the loft window. He was to my left. Previously others were sitting there too, in that chair, and others nearby, sharing that sacred space and time, lifting prayers.
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people...
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Is. 58:6b, 9
...Help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
Is. 58:10b, 11
Is this what You mean Lord?
I thought it might be about something systemic
Perhaps related to sexuality
And the "bonds broken" happening through education
But sitting there beside him
In his darkness
And later pondering
I realized...
This is good
You want hope for him
And maybe this is what You mean
When You talk about removing the chains that bind people
And the heavy yoke of oppression
I sensed You guiding that day
Guiding the prayers, the tears, the words
And maybe this is what You mean
When You say my light will shine out from the darkness
And that You will guide me continually
Guide Lord, lead
And...please,
Shine into his darkness
Make his darkness into light
Restore hope and strength to his bones once again
What kind of darkness..., Part 1
Some sat in darkness and deepest gloom,
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Sitting
Praying
Weeping
Inviting
Hope and comfort
Come fill this home
Fill this life
What kind of darkness
What kind of despair
Leaves a man
Hiding
Avoiding
Running
Mostly silent
All day
Every day
In bed
Oh he eats
And washes
But otherwise
Just laying there
He doesn't like staying there either
Shakes his head
Weepy
Tears as we pray
He doesn't like it
But it's the best choice he can see
It is all he can do
Father
Please break through
May Your warm gentle light
Break into his darkness
Warm his heart
Invite him
Up
And out
And on with life
Father
For the glory of Your name
For the love You have for them
For the son that's waiting, yearning
For the life that is left to be lived
For the purpose You have planned
Break through
Make change
Give hope
And life
And strength
And...
Whatever is needed
Update Sept. 25, 2014--Yesterday I learned that he does not just sit in bed all day every day. True, he rarely speaks, but his son says he does get up to go foraging on the hills for various in season plants and other edibles.
imprisoned in iron chains of misery.
Ps. 107:10
Sitting
Praying
Weeping
Inviting
Hope and comfort
Come fill this home
Fill this life
What kind of darkness
What kind of despair
Leaves a man
Hiding
Avoiding
Running
Mostly silent
All day
Every day
In bed
Oh he eats
And washes
But otherwise
Just laying there
He doesn't like staying there either
Shakes his head
Weepy
Tears as we pray
He doesn't like it
But it's the best choice he can see
It is all he can do
Father
Please break through
May Your warm gentle light
Break into his darkness
Warm his heart
Invite him
Up
And out
And on with life
Father
For the glory of Your name
For the love You have for them
For the son that's waiting, yearning
For the life that is left to be lived
For the purpose You have planned
Break through
Make change
Give hope
And life
And strength
And...
Whatever is needed
Update Sept. 25, 2014--Yesterday I learned that he does not just sit in bed all day every day. True, he rarely speaks, but his son says he does get up to go foraging on the hills for various in season plants and other edibles.
How does one hold...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...
I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...
All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength
How does one...
Sometimes I almost want to stop asking the questions, but...
There she is, coming to visit.
And she looks troubled, carrying burdens...
and so I/we ask, and find out more, and more...
ugh...how hard...
I don't know what to do,
almost don't want to start to get involved,
but...how can I not....
Three kids,
oldest just out of junior high,
working to make money to get treatment for her dad
Mom left with an other man earlier this year
The girl who told me--her mom died a couple of years back,
her brother is still trying to pay off the debts...
She is starting 2nd year university now...
All I can offer is--a hug, a prayer (she wanted the prayer!),
and now...tears.
Maybe some answers will come, maybe some wisdom.
Maybe we'll be able to help the younger girl...
How does a heart hold all the pain?
I'm talking about hers...
And I'm talking about mine
But for me...
I know
It doesn't
I come to You
And dump it out
Again and again
But her...
Help her to come too
To know You are real
That You also can be her refuge and strength
Tell me...
Tell me You think I'm beautiful
And that You love me
Just the way I am
Tell me again
and again
You did
It was wonderful
It was enough
But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters
Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."
If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think
And that You love me
Just the way I am
Tell me again
and again
You did
It was wonderful
It was enough
But then I don't hear
And I wonder
And I'm tempted to overly seek
Or fall for
The affirmation of man
The folly of thinking that what people
Think about me
Is what really matters
Tell me every day
Cup my face in Your hands
Look in my eyes
Tell me again,
"You're beautiful to me.
I love you just the way you are."
If I hear You say this
I can live with joy
No matter what life throws at me
No matter what others think
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